A Wildwood by the Sea by Andrew Tworischuk - Thriller - Donnie Darko meets Tyler Durden meets Keyser Soze in this, a psychological thriller about a mentally disturbed teenager who has his life once again complicated when a dream that he has, showing the death of a childhood friend of his, comes true. - html, format 8)

I just completed this script and I need some comments, questions, ideas, critiques, etc. from, well, anyone. I hope the readers enjoy it. Thanks.

I started reading this and found a couple of problems with it.

First is, you're using way too much narrative at the beginning.  There seems to be more narrative than there is actual dialogue.  This is the cheap way of telling a story.  It's how writers do it when they can't do it properly.  Removie most of it and tell your story.

Your description of what happened on 9/11 was pretty misleading.  Given that this story is greatly affected by this event, you should be as accurate as you can with it.  Couple of problems here:

The South Tower didn't explode.  It never did.  The Empire State Building exploded in Independence Day.  The World Trade Center did not.

Smoke did not engulf the entire skyline.

News reports explaining that the planes were hijacked didn't start until later on that day.

I bring these points up because, given the subject, being innaccurate will turn off the readers.

Too often, you write direction that the camera can't record.  On page six, you state that "he doesn't listen."  On page 13, you write that Travis is "desperately wanting to get out of school for good."  You actually wrote this one twice on this page.  Reword these typoes of descriptions in actions that you can see, not feel.

At other times, you tend to do a step-by-step breakdown of a scene.  On page sixteen, when Travis takes his meds, you write that he:

turns on water faucet;
fills glass with water;
steps to the medicine cabinet;
opens the medicine cabinet;
takes out his pill container;
opens his pill container;
takes out two pills;
pops them;
drinks water;
closes pills container;
returns container to cabinet;
turns off water;
returns glass;
closes cabinet.

We don't need to see all that.  Instead, you could just write:

He picks up his pill container;
he pops pills.

The rest is so understood that we don't need to see it.  No one is going to shout, "Hey, he never turned the water off!"

In all of your headers, you mention Northern New Jersey.  You mentioned it the first time.  That's it.  If the next scene took place outside of NNJ, then you could mention it.  Too often, your headers take too lines and they never should.

The way you showed time passing on page seven was very good.  It was very visual, but simple in execution.  Well thought out.


I think I would like this story more if it was how 9/11 affected the life of a teen.  It would be very down to Earth and something that many could relate with.  Don't bother with Donny Darko.  


Phil