Forest Hills by David P. Toussaint - Horror - At a U.S.O. dance back in 1945, all VICTOR HILL and his newly wedded wife SILVIA wanted to do was dance the night away and enjoy their evening together. But information Victor was concealing was to powerful for his betraying platoon to ignore. Now that they have been raped, tortured and tormented, a list has been created, and the town of Forest Hills will never been the same.  - doc, format 8)

This one is really weird.  You go in expecting a WWII story and get...well, something very different.  It has a strange "Texas Chainsaw" vibe to it, where the whole family is way off kilter.  Not exactly a slasher, not exactly a whodunnit.  It's unique, and I like it for that.  However, some style issues make this kind of a tough read:

*  The use of camera directions is way out of control, to the extent that they almost seem to be random.  Obscure references like "SWISH PAN" and "LAP DISSOLVE" need to be replaced with a simple "CUT TO"; if you use that at all.  And lots of people say don't.  At one point, we find one that actually reads "FADE OUT: INT. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT"  Huh?
*  Long, long descriptions.  Break these up into smaller paragraphs.
*  You name specific songs at least a dozen times.  Maybe more.  I have read more than once (and it sounds reasonable to me) that this is frowned upon by professionals.  Those decisions come much higher up in the process.
*  Rethink that long, introductory VO.  We all saw how well that worked for "Alone in the Dark"...
*  The first scene has an awful lot of spitting going on.  I think it would be a little absurd if actually played out.  Unless that is what you are going for?
*   Beware putting too much "can't show it" in the character descriptions.  Things like, "Jack loves coffee" and the history of Milton Mills.

You have an interesting story here, populated for the most part with interesting characters. Particularly Sylvia.  She's great.  It still needs some tinkering, but good luck with this.    




 

Thank you so much for your input, it was very helpful! I read it over again and you are verry correct with the camera angles, I will look into revising them. The spitting is a sign of disgust. I wanted the viewers to understand that not only is Ronald out of line, but the platoon as well. I believe this will pose more of a hate issue toward these cowardly acts, which is a must to understand  Victor's redemption. The music I'm sure will be changed but I wanted the professionals to capture the mood for the scene from my point of view. I thank you very much for the compliments and I will continue to pick away at it. If you happen to see anymore errors, I'm am always opens to suggestions.  :)

If anyone would like me to read their script I will be more than happy to, I will give an honest judgement. Please read Forest Hills and give me your two-cents as well. I am nearly finished with the final draft... a lot of changes have been made, beginning, middle and end. I believe if we all work together, our professional goals can be achieved.  ;D

I started reading this script and found a lot of problems with it.  You include too many camera directions and song listings.  The director decides these things.  The same applies to how the main title and its font.

You're not using (beat) properly.  This is to be used to show a break at the start of someone's disalogue.  It's not used for dramatic pause in the middle of the dialogue.  An example of this would be this:

            DAD
   Son, I have some bad news for you....  Your mother
   and I are getting a divorce.

            SON
       (beat)
   A divorce?

In the above exchange, the son pauses before he says anything.  To show a pause in the middle of someone's dialogue, you use four periods (....), as shown in the father's dialogue.

Another problem, that a lot of writers here have, is that you describe things in the action that the camera cannot film.  On page 3, you wrote:  "Victor’s HEARTBEAT is BEATING RAPIDLY. "

On page 5, you wrote, "She is very bitter toward others because her husband Victor never came back to her after the war)."

And on page six, you wrote, "David loves to pick on the unfortunate because he feels it’s their fault they’re that way. "

There are more.  Hopefully, you get the point with three.  You cannot describe things like this.  If you want to show people's character flaws, you have to show them doing something.  The camera can't record your direction and the viewer can't see it on the screen.

In regards to the story, I couldn't tell what what going on.  You start out with a long V.O. (something you shouldn't do).  It was too on the nose and it should be something you should show.

Keep in mind, that I only read about twenty pages into the script.  Based on this, I have no idea what the story's about.  Why read only this much?  That's more than agents and producers read.  If they can't tell what the script's about in ten, or so, pages then there's a problem with the story.  You have to establish everything sooner.

I would take the flashback out of the beginning and use it later on, after the present story has been established.


Hope this helps.


Phil

Thanks for your reply. I've been working with a producer that wants to make this a movie. He pointed out some of the problems that you pinpointed. The changes were made as of today. I appreciate your feedback and I will use your pointers to make this a much stronger script. I'm a little confused though, I based the format off of a brilliant writer/director, Wes Craven. If you don't mind me asking you this question, Have you written a movie that has been produced if so which one?

David P.

A short of mine (supposedly two shorts of mine) are being produced this summer, Suicide and Tocsin.

In regards to formatting, pick up a copy of 'The Complete Guide to Standard Script Formats' by Cole and Haag.  It's comsidered by many to be the formatting bible.

If you direct what you write (like Craven), you format it the way you want.  If you write something to pass around, you have to follow a standard.  Agents and producers will put your work down if it's not formatted properly.  It screams beginner.

Phil

I hope your shorts go well this summer, as I hope for my script. I see your point on the "screaming beginner" reply, it's a common mistake for most. I only replied with a confusion statement because of the great replies, however some "legit" producers/directors were a bit questionable. I'm going to read some of your work tonight and see what, if any, I'm lacking. I was reading the beginning of Suicide and you stated in a part of my dialogue that I should use four periods, well, you used three...  
                   Steve looks at Carl suspiciously.

                                  STEVE
                        You think about killing yourself
                        much?

                                  CARL
                        Yeah...  I mean, I'm not planning
                        to kill myself.  But if I was going
                        to, I already figured out how

I will admit your story is pretty good, but I read the whole thing. A feature is different than a short, a lot more is going on. You missed some punctuation and if the butts are old and severely dried out, they would know. I will read more. Do you have a feature? My plot is in the very beginning, the rest of the story is carried out, you just have to read the whole thing. Thanks again for your help!

David P.

Three might be the correct number.  It probably is.  It just feels... right.


Phil

The one thing I like about your stories is that you have great detail. I hope all goes well for you this summer! I'll keep my fingers crossed.

David P.

I use three periods all the time.

For some reason though, I never use (BEAT). I just don't like it in a screenplay...but that's my personal opinion.

I shall try and read this shortly.
:-)

I use the "beat" for a slight pause, it helps. I've made several changes to the script, one being a shorter (V.0.), second the separations of paragrapghs,  third, the change of dialogue, and fourth, the moving of scenes. Dogglebe had some good points.

If I were you I'd cut out a lot of the useless information that you added in to tell us what the characters are like, it feels like a book. Can't show the useless info don't write it.

With all that cut out it would be of normal length because you seem to do it alot and it holds the story down and makes you just want to stop reading.

And the opening voice over doesn't read smooth enough to be an opener and I didn't see a name at the head of dialogue a few times most notably the opening voice over.

Thanks for your thoughts. I try and give a direct feel to the characters, that's why their so descriptive... I'm in transition right now. I've smoothed the voice over and it reads much better than before, along with, like you said "useless info". I suppose if I'm going to be thrashed with bad remarks it should be here and not at a table reading. If there are any good comments out there I would like to here those as well. We're in it for the good and the bad will present itself, but could we maybe be thoughtful of the sweat and tears.

I never said it was bad, the script so far is fine but it's all the extra stuff that brings it down.

I do agree! I'm working with my producer to make it all come toether. Since, I have taken a lot of  things out and made it more appealing to the imagination. If it's inbedded in the mind while being read, think of what it will do to the mind while seen.
Are there any scenes that do have an interest to you, if so what are they? Thank you for all of your input!

David P.

I'm not finished and am keeping track of my thoughts, you'll get them one way or another within a week because I'm a slow reader and I read to much at once.

But I enjoyed the game of cards by the 3 grandchildren, it was innocent yet hinted towards something bigger I believe anyway.

So you're in the beginning. Things have changed since, but along the same line. Whatever critisism... I'll take it like a guilty man being scorned by an malicious woman.

Could you give me a few examples? I really want to make this work.