Twisted by Moses - Short, Horror - Inspired by true events - fdr, format 8)

Can't read this because it's in final draft format. I suggest uploading it in rtf format

I can't imagine what part of this was inspired by true events. It might be a better idea to have a summary that tells something about the script? This is a short and it is horror but there isn't all that much to TWISTED.

The suspense is done well enough to begin with (when sound 'detonates' across the top of the motor home). That's a nice touch with the door handle slowly turning before Jack guns the engine. It doesn't need all the 'What the hell is going on' straight after, just Kevin's deadpan: 'That was no deer' to get a laugh and ease tension.

I didn't really get what was going on. Is the idea that they ran over the woman, who came back from the dead to serve them all right? Or was it a zombie out there by the road? Ravenous hell-beast? I guess we'll never know.

It could use a few scenes in the ordinary world of gas stations and mini marts to establish the guys as personalities. Where are they going and why should it matter? If they are just three 'dudes' doing what dudes do then they can die and who cares? The script read like a bit of gory fun but you have Final Draft so scriptwriting must be serious to you. At least proof it carefully. Check the urge for triple exclamation, 'WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT!!!' may not be as powerful as a half-whispered 'What is it?'

The description of the roadside figure, with hands 'raised in back of her like a diver on a starting block' is excellent - weird, grotesque and suitably startling. It's a little lame to have Jack call her over so that she stumbles more or less to the sound of his voice and lets herself in the door. If I can take the liberty, it might be better if Jack shows some humanity by putting his own safety at risk. First we get a sight of the strange shape in the headlights up ahead.


                     JACK
           Guys, I think you should see this.


The others come up front and are transfixed. They urge him to drive on, but he can't do it. In the distance a pinprick of light, a car approaching fast. She's in the middle of the road, oblivious. It draws nearer, burning up the center of the road. Jack calls from the window, she doesn't seem to hear. He shuts off the engine, calls again. The lights get bigger, they hear now the roar of the engine, it isn't going to slow down, it doesn't seem to have seen them. Jack yells louder, she's right there kneeling in the road. As the others shout hysterically, Chris jams on the horn, but the car isn't slowing. Jack leaps out and whips the woman aside as the car hurtles past, buffeting them as it rips through the dust into the darkness of the road far behind. Now just the three of them in the desert with a whole other problem. The woman in this version isn't a bloody mess but she won't speak and spells disaster just the same.