Just finished this one and really enjoyed it. I liked the dark tone and the mystic feel of this script. I was hooked right away with the croach scene which was quite disturbing, in the good way.
You've got some nice visuals as well: the priest filling the chest with items of his present life and taking out his assasin equipment, was a good representation of his inner change.
Now on to the negative stuff:
*SPOILERS*
While interesting, I had some problems with the main concept which you defined as: "What if God and priests were a squad of assassins and they used confessions as a way to find out whom to punish?"
If we're taking about God, know-it-all-almighty God, he shouldn't need confessions to know who the naughty boys are. And he shouldn't need an assasination squad to do the punishment.
The antagonist plan is central in any story, it's usually what puts your protagonist in motion. It has to make perfect sense. I would suggest to choose another antagonist, maybe the Devil as Kevan suggested, or maybe a lesser being expelled from heaven who isn't so powerfull and could *really* need to put together an assasination squad.
Have you considered Fallen Angels?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fallen_angelsAnother reason to think about redefining your antagonist: If this short is produced, there's no way the audience could think that the antagonist is God; they'll think it's the devil because he behaves like him. The script mentions 'God' and 'The Lords Club' but that information is lost on the page; remember the audience don't read the script.
Furthermore, your protagonist says 'I know no God'; another reason for the audience to think that it's the devil he meets some pages later.
Format is good, you've got the basics nailed down, but I think it could be improved a bit. Take Kevan's advice about descriptions that the camera can't record, beats, and the use of parenthicals.
About parenthicals, check lesson 2 of this article:
http://www.creativescreenwriting.com/csdaily/craft/05_06_05.htmlYou´ve got some action described in parenthicals as well; don't do it. Action belongs to action lines. An example:
FATHER MCREADY
There. Guys ready for breakfast?
(smiles)This should be:
FATHER MCREADY
There. Guys ready for breakfast?
He smilesYour descriptions are good, but I think you could shorten them a bit and give this script a quicker pace. Remember that 'less' is always 'more' in screenwriting. An example:
The priest reaches for the small container of paper glue. He picks it up and holds the end over the back of the squirming insect. Squeezes the glue container.
A large glob of white glue extrudes from the end of the container. Lands directly on the back of the roach in the priest’s hand covering the insects back.This can easily be:
He picks up a small container of paper glue and covers the insect’s back with a large glob of white.Some actions are implied by others. Don't get too specific in describing the mechanics of certain actions.
Well, there's nothing more to add. Good job on this one. Despite the things I pointed out, I believe it's a very decent short and I think it's got potential to improve even more. I hope some of these comments may be of help.
Good luck.