Deacon Blues by Evan Noreen (AlvinMofo) - Action, Adventure - An aging hitman living in Chicago is hired by a mob boss to take a trip down to New Orleans to kill a priest for the price of $400,000. But he has to make a few stops along the way. He enlists the help of his old partner, Willie, his hound dog, to sniff out his targets. Willie used to be on point, but he's looking to change his ways. So it's one last big trip for the both of them. But not everything goes as predicted, especially the unexpected fourth hit, a seductive beauty found crooning at a karaoke bar. She's just the incentive Marvin needs to change his ways. Through the heartland of America, the journey of one hitman, his buddy Willie, his love Courtney, an excess of the criminal lifestyle, Marvin has one fundamental goal: to collect his money and retire in peace. As if it were that simple. - rtf, format 8)

I must say that that has to be the coolest screenplay I might have ever read. Keep up with this one, because it has potential. Just one question: what did it mean in the end that it was a good thing he arrived late?

The only part that I found of the screenplay a little ridiculous was when Tommy is disrespected by one of his partners. That could be modified. Tommy could just give him a different type of punishment less severe.

Good luck with this! I could see it as a feature film.

Uh...a twenty two and half minute opening scene, in the living room? I can't think of one movie where the opening scene is twenty something minutes long and takes place in one room. Break it up somehow.  

C'mon, how can you expect a reader to give a decent coverage on this? There's no action, nothing that would entice a reader to continue reading your script. I forced myself just to get through the first twenty-four pages. And what's with Marvin's long winded monologue about his neice? Who cares? And since when does a professional assassin sign a paper contract? That's just plain ridiculous.

I was taught to show, not tell the story and you have your characters talking in canned, forced dialogue about problems and giving detailed explainations about their lives. You're gonna bore your audience with this drivel.

I would strongly encourage you to read produced scripts, study them and then write and rewrite and rewrite some more. Get into a class like the Hollywood Scriptwriting Institute, they offer an online course that's relatively inexpensive or read David Trottier's book "The Screenwriters Bible". He has a ton of good advice for beginning screen writers and he offers online and in person workshops. Check out Syd Field's website. He offers online courses as well. And for Godsakes, if you expect to become a screen writer, get help.

I'm with Mav on this... way too much dialogue and too much sitting around shooting the breeze.  I couldn't get more than a few pages into it because they just kept droning on and on about mundane stuff.