Hell: The Last Station by Helio Jorge Cordeiro - Short, Horror - A bloodsucker attacks in the underground. You may be the next victim! - pdf, format 8)

I can't ever recall reading a script with more un-named characters.  For the tone you are going for here, however -- a "who could it be" kind of thing -- a nice laundry list of fairly anonymous characters seems appropriate.  And it works, actually.  I think I much preferred it this way, as opposed to giving them actual names. It makes it creepier, somehow. Nice technique, that.

Your use of parentheticals (character actions in dialogue) is a bit liberal, though. Things like "(glances at the unshaved man and turns to her)", and particularly, "(to high school girl #2 indicated high school girl #1)" should be trimmed.

I liked the end.  It's a fairly clever little piece, actually. But I would reconsider the title, as I can't quite see what any of this has to do with Hell.  Maybe "The Last Station" is enough, in and of itself.  Or maybe something else.  But your current title leads the reader to believe that your story will be something different, you know?

Thanks Bert. Your comments make me more confident in my writting. About the title I agree with you. It could be just The Last Station. The line into the parenthesis, I think it is because I don't dominate well the English language. I'll seee that question carefully.

heh great short!  Nice job of making people wonder who the Vampire is.  It was a quick but fun read!

However I have to say, I've never known cheerleaders to flirt with nerds.  And I would know.

Great story!

brion

Haha Helio you're a crazy one. I got so confused because of all the unnamed people. But I thought it was funny and clever how you did it. I liked the ending.

It was funny though, my cat is sitting on my lap and right when it came up to:

Quoted from Hell: The Last Station Then...a loud SCREAM!

My cat jumped so it was like the scream coming from the man who was on the script scared my kitty and it made me laugh. I love my kitty.

But this was good.

Sean

Hey Darthbrion, thanks for your comments, man!

And Sean, I'm sorry about you kitty. The poor cat would be dead, dude! Heart atack! Haha! I'll read one of your short maybe today (Living simple) who know tomorrow.

Anyway, thanks  for your comments!

SPOILERS...

This could easily have been a series of random, meaningless, albeit amusing, series of events however the vampire thing ties them all together nicely. I liked the ending a lot. It was quite eerie but somewhat amusing as well. It also, of course, answered the question that was hanging over the entire script. For a moment though, I thought the old lady was the vampire. I enjoyed the dialogue a lot too. Really great quirky stuff (as usual). Not much else to say here. I liked it a lot. Good job, Helio.

I also thought the old lady would be the vampire!

Great script Helio!

As usual I liked it!

well done! :-)