The Ambulance Angel by Andrew Roby - Short, Drama - John, a funeral home worker, gets stuck with the body of a former bully. Which brings back many past memories and something he thought was never possible.    -  Dogglebe One Week Screenwriting Exercise Submission - doc, format 8)

Started with yours, Andrew, since is the shortest of the lot.  It's got a nice, ambiguous end (some people like that), and makes for a quick read.  I enjoy thinking about what this story might actually mean without being told explicitly.

I need to tell you that John Newcomer is my father's name, so I was pretty weirded out already while reading this piece!  I mean, it's not like it's a common name or anything.

Really minor spoilers:
*  At one point you call Joe a "victim", which is a little confusing because I thought you were going somewhere with that, but didn't.
*  I don't think John's dad would just rush off because his kid told him to.  A little more conversation there might be appropriate.

Good job.  I can hardly wait to read the rest.

Holy crap. That is pretty weird. I swear i didn't even know your last name or anything haha.

So i don't spoil this short i am going to PM why his dad rushed off.

Hey Andrew!!

This was a great little read. I enjoyed the concept of it a lot.



SPOILER ALERT - >



I was a bit stuck without visual descriptions of these characters... so went ahead and imagined my own! I think you would benefit from including physical descriptions in this. Just because it would give a sense of build and height which might make for more impact with the fighting between John and Joe.

I thought the voice-over worked well by the way.

I got a teeny bit confused at times when Joe and John are fighting on the sidewalk. I guess it's the 'J' name thing which made it harder to separate the two.

I think the scene with the father and son in the living room does need to be stronger. Like Bert, I found it hard to accept that his dad would just do as he was told. If you can, I think re-writing this scene would be beneficial to the overall impact of the script. I also think that they shouldn't hug so soon, it could have had a bit of dialogue after Joe was shot down. I would like to see the family bond there.

I liked the way you brought Joe's corpse back to that of him as a 15 year old bully and the way the room turns back into the classroom. Great stuff here.

How the heck do you pronounce that teacher's name!?! Ms Zavu perhaps?

Overall, I liked this Andrew. A good concept and I liked the way it worked out for John and his father. That was a cool little twist/turn of events.

Andy x

Hey, Andy is right about the whole John / Joe thing.  I got a little confused from time to time also.  And the only thing I can think of was that it was the J's...

I wouldn't have thought it was that important to make sure the character's names are very different, but I guess it is.

It's funny that you have one character named "Joe", and another named "Ms. Xavious".  Really going for extremes there, eh?

Hahahahaha.

Yes. I just thought of the most wacked out name. And for some reason that came to my mind. haha. Like i thought John Newcomer from the top of my head. Weird.

SPOILERS?

Hm, I don't really understand this one. You start with the recognition of a scar, the recognition of a name, a flashback to build some character stuff, and then...the bizarre happens. A boy tells his father to hide, and dad doesn't argue. Boy struggles with bully, and dad shows back up, shooting the kid. Yes, it was justifiable, but at this point, I was lost, thinking "wait a minute, then who's on the table?"

Someone else is on the table. I feel a little cheated. And then Dad walks in. Huh?

The central bully story was ok, but the mortician part felt forced.

This is a nice length for a short (shorter the better IMO)

The opening is very well written and really sucked me in. I liked the transition between old John and young John.

As others have mentioned, it's very confusing when your three characters are John, John, and Joe. It made it difficult to follow at times. I had to reread a few parts just to figure out who was doing what.

The ending kind of crept up and took me by surprise which was good. I'm still not sure I fully understood what happened. Maybe a rewrite could make this clearer.

Overall, a strong opening and some nice imagery. Short and to the point. Good job.

I thought this was a great short!

Have to agree with the previous reply. The three characters names are very similiar which makes it somewhat confusing.

I really think that you packed a lot of information into a very short piece. It all seemed to flow well, and I love the voice overs!

I just realized i left a big part out of this.

While the two kids where fighting for the first time John was suppose to give Joe the scratch he noticed on his body  :-/ sorry. I'll do a rewrite in about a week. I am heavily working on the recluse now

Andrew,

Hey. I was really compelled right from the beginning...it seriously was a grabber. Everything was smooth until the John, John Sr thingy, but I didn't get that lost because I just had to pay close attention. Good potential here...I liked your ending. Good luck with Recluse.

-ONEY

SPOILER SPACE


The thing I like best about this script is that it wasn't really the bully on the table, but just someone who triggered memories for John.  It doesn't take much to recall something you haven't thought about in it.  I can only guess that the corpse's real name wasn't Joe Greenwater.

I didn't find Joe to be that much of a bully as John was holding his own pretty well against him, even when Joe entered the house with the gun drawn.  I thought this escalated things really fast (maybe a little too fast).

One thing bothered me, though.  On page one, John said that he took over the family business after his father was shot, and then you just forgot about it.  When Joe drew the gun, I immediately thought that John Sr. was going to get killed.  Then, in the end, he's still a live.  That was really confusing for me.


Phil

I figured I'd read this because it is the unproduced script of the day.

Andrew, this is a very weird story, I liked some of it.  I like how you started things off, then when the room turns into a class room, I thought that was really cool.

I liked how John fought back against joe, he wasn't just a little pussy.  I liked the fight.

then came to the part when John came home, and the whole thing with the dad just lost me, I did not understand that one bit.  I know if my son young son(well if I ever have one) told me to go run and hide while he stayed up I would be like no way!

I did like the turn of events, how the guy on the slab wasn't who he thought it was, but it did leave me confused.

there was a sentence her that kinda threw me off

"John looks over at the door that was behind his self." you could just say "John looks at the door behind him"

anyways, I liked the idea and the twist at the end, but the way the dad acted kinda took me out of the story, but most of it worked.  Good job :)