Rest In Peace by Stewart Wadwell (MacDuff) - Short, Drama - Embalmer Kyle Hunter is about to come face to face with a memory that he hasn't quite shaken since High School.  - -   Dogglebe One Week Screenwriting Exercise Submission - rtf, format 8)

Hey Stewart, I just read this and I think it's my favourite so far.

Somehow you made Kyle into a likeable character straight away. I immediately felt like I knew him. The voiceover was consistent and funny throughout. I thought the flashbacks worked well. You made Tobe very intimidating, giving Kyle good reason to be freaked out.

Loved the ending... you managed to turn the whole thing on its head, really wasn't expecting it. A nice idea. My only criticism would be that Kyle's speech at the end is a little long. I think once you drop the bombshell, you should end it fairly quickly. The closing dialogue is good but I think you could trim it down to a few choice lines.

Not much else to say, I really liked it and I felt like I knew, and could relate to, the central character after only 16 pages. Great work.

Very nice work. I enjoyed it a lot. I specially liked the strong connection you portrayed between the flashbacks and the protagonist´s present (i.e. Kyle repeating Tobe´s lines). It contributed to a better flow of the story. Well done.

Thanks all!

SPOILERS...

Requiem - The hardest part was the speech at the end. It took me forever to figure it out...and I had cut some other stuff out too! I'll go back, take a look again and see if I can tighten it up.

Thanks again all!

Nicely done.  The V.O. segments worked great, and those are so tough to do well. I ended with a longish one, too, and it was what I struggled with the most also.

(minor spoilers)

The "carving" was a fantastic touch.  Perfect for this.  And Petrov worked great for me as I was reading.

And the ending works, too.  It's amazing to watch the different directions that everyone decides to take, isn't it?  A really nice addition to the collection we are building here.

Hey Stew,


SPOILERS - - > >



This was extremely well written!! I really liked the use of voiceovers in this one. I see your love of Queen slipped in more than once, ha! Good stuff. The burger on the corpse was GROSS! I cringed out loud reading this on my bus journey home today, am sure the fella next to me thought I was nuts!

Petrov was a fun character, I think you did well with his accent too. Kyle was very strong too, well done there.

Loved the turn of events at the end, really didn't see anything like that coming! The last page of dialogue was fantastic. Moving actually.

Really well done, Stew! I think you did a terrific job.  :P

SPOILERS

Um, is it Tobe Cooper or Tobe Hooper? You have both names. One on the paper and one in the flashback description. Just curious. Oh wait, we have where he carved T.C. into Kyle's arm, so it must be Cooper.

Anyway, good job on this. It had a solid feel good ending. I liked how Tobe redeemed himself, not only with the ending, but also earlier when he took the jibe from Kyle. It really showed how Tobe moved on and how Kyle just clung to it.

I enjoyed also the conflict Kyle went through to be malicious against Tobe, but resisted and overcame his own desires. Clever having him talk to the corpse.

Well done.

I had originally named him Tobe Hooper - but changed to Cooper on the last re-write.

Can't believe I missed that...oh well.

Thanks for the kudos!

:-)

Well Stew,

This was a very nicely written piece. What I would expect from you. But if I had to compare it (and I know I shouldn’t) to In Only Seven Days, well, it doesn’t measure up.

But let me qualify that by saying I loved the reverse story-telling of 7 days, as well as that sense of adventure and wonder… as to what was coming around the corner.  And how it would all fit.

Rest in Peace is a more introspective story, one that lends itself better to a [less-expensive-to-shoot] short. And if it were to be filmed, I’m sure Peace would be the more complete 20-minute story.

First off, I read a similar story here back when I joined SS in March. It was a short script about a guy confronting a deceased high school tormenter, who is being prepped for a funeral – as I recall  (oh, maybe that was the theme of the OWC).  The details of that script are fuzzy now.

At first, I thought I was reading the same script.
But in checking the reviews, I see that this was my first reading of your story.

There are elements to your story that also remind me of the HBO series, “Six Feet Under,” which was a favorite of mine.

Anyway, your story begins okay.  

Spoilers *******

The prep room scene is where my interest picks up. That bit of humor as Kyle scoots his chair here and there, while prepping a body and still managing to consume a greasy burger was fun.

I liked that Kyle sets down the burger on the torso and leaves a dollop of ketchup on the body. Haha.  I fully expected Kyle to dip his fries in the ketchup without missing a beat.

Crazy Gorgei Petrov made me think of that Russian guy (the florist) in Six Feet Under, although Gorgei is short while the guy in Six Feet was a big dude.  Anyway, I digress…

So, I’m liking this story just fine at this point. Liked Gorgei talking Kyle into working an extended shift.  You did a nice job of Kyle giving in, because that is his nature.  Accommodating and weak.

At first, I wondered why this case was special enough for Gorgei to persuade Kyle to stay and work overtime.  It’s explained at the story’s end.

KYLE
Yeah, I know...but we need the money. You wanted that trip right?
SHERRY (V.O.)
Yeah, but not at the expense of this every week.

This says a lot about Kyle.

Kyle’s reaction to a deceased Tobe worked well.  The flashback sequences of their past were generally smooth and set up nicely by the present-day scenes.

Okay, now for the rub.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about Kyle.  I don’t necessarily like him, nor do I dislike him.

There is a certain predictability to the story and setup.

When Kyle and Tobe come face to face in the bar, it starts off like old times.  Tobe being nasty and all.  I liked that Tobe didn’t retaliate when Kyle made his crack comment.  Yet, it seemed somehow misplaced.

Perhaps if Tobe was so drunk, that he staggers and then keels over [we see him hit rock bottom].  Once he’s no longer a physical threat, I can see Kyle spouting off.

In that same scene, maybe Tobe could recognize Sherry as a classmate and say her name.  Just so we can ID her, if indeed it is important we know that she and Kyle get married(?) later.

At the end, what if Wanda is expanded to Tristan and Wanda – husband and wife?
Tristan can recognize Kyle and they can exchange a few pleasantries.  

Then, we learn about Tobe’s heroics in the eulogy.  I can see Tristan, another kid tormented by Tobe, praise the one-time bully for saving his kids.  Maybe they've even overcome their differences and got to be good friends.  

I think this would set up an interesting parallel of two kids [Kyle and Tristan] abused by the same bully, whose adult lives travel in opposite directions.

My problem with Kyle is that he doesn’t have much of a character arc, unless that is your intension.  He is essentially the same guy at 30-something as he was 20 or so years earlier:  doesn’t stand up for himself (allows his boss to take advantage of him), appears to still be tormented by his inability to “move on” with his life, still working at a dead-end (haha) funeral home that he was b****ing about as a youth, while digging graves, still listening to Queen (not that that’s bad), and exacts his revenge on an inanimate object (carving his initials into the dead guy’s arm).

He’s got a nice girl and they have plans, but from their brief phone conversation, it seems their relationship is Doomed.

Why?  Because Kyle can’t or won’t move on in life.

And even in death, Tobe rains on Kyle’s parade.  He has seemingly changed.  Tobe’s revered as a hero.  Kyle’s claim to fame is prepping the dead for their last rites.  And he gets satisfaction out of the dead guys that were so bad in life, that nobody shows up to pay their respects.

The ending is okay, some of it anyways.  It’s a bit long-winded, which makes it seem too philosophical.  As if Kyle all of sudden gets it.  

Hmmm…

To me, Kyle has never quite gotten it.  He harbors bad feelings and maybe because of that, his life is stunted.  

Have you considered somebody else (Tristan?) giving those glorious parting words at the end?  

Oh, and that scene with Young Tobe carving into Young Kyle’s arm, I think we need to hear this kid scream.  Sharp blade into flesh, that’s got to send Kyle over the edge.

INT. TREEHOUSE - FLASHBACK

                                 YOUNG KYLE
                       Argh, it hurts.

BLOOD forms around a cut in young Kyle's arm. Holding him down are Tobe's friends, while Tobe stands over him with a knife.


Come on, Stew.  “Argh, it hurts” ?  Argh, that’s weak.

Well, that’s my take.  Perhaps I’m reading way more into this than I should.

Rest in Peace, technically as I said, is very nicely written. Formatted well, everything in its place.
I just wish the twists and turns would have made for a different conclusion.

Abe

SPOILERS

I loved the premise of the story, the entire notion of preparing your worst enemy for his funeral is very strong, I think. I liked the first half best, and though I usually despise flash-backs (often gives off a very TV vibe) I think it worked really well here, primarily because your transitions.

Even though I saw the entire "Tobe-died-a-hero" coming, there was really nothing you could do (nor should you) to obscureify it even more. It's a good twist.

I'm not a huge fan of the speech by the end. It's well written, but the whole redeeming/forgiving process of Kyle seems kinda forced, which is why I usually dislike redemption stories in shorts - you can't really pull them off without having it seem rushed. But I see the way you set it up, you really couldn't have it end any other way.

Overall I thought it was a good short, with a concept I wish I had thought of first.

Tomorrow we shoot a 5 minute version of "Rest in Peace."

I've re-worked the piece as a conversation between Tobe and Kyle. Tobe has to get forgiveness from Kyle in order to pass into heaven. It's a story of forgiveness, redemption and judging. I really like the outcome and it has sparked many conversations as to what the ending represents... which is exactly what you want from a short film touching on these themes.

We have a great little crew filming it on a moderate budget. We couldn't get into a preparation room, so that's the only thing that we have to compromise with. The director is great and on board with the concept and will be filmed in correspondence with Vancouver Film School.

Stew

We had a 3.5 hour shoot, so it was a very rushed shoot. I helped build our set in a classroom. We had to mock it up to look like a prep room.

I have the video and some pictures, but not sure how to upload them...

I really enjoyed this. One of the better scripts I've read on this site. I'd be curious to see the filmed version.

Thanks.

I'm trying to get the video together and put it online for people interested in watching it.

Stew

Okay - the shortened version of Rest in Peace is now available online thanks to the director.

Have a look here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3s-gZxNS4U

hope you enjoy!

Stew

I haven't read the script yet, but I checked out the movie. Here are my thoughts (also on You Tube):

Toby's bad makeup was very distracting. Good dialogue, but the story was a little weird. I didn't quite get the point.

I thought it was a clever premise, but badly executed. I didn't feel there was a proper ending. There was an event, but no resolution.

The original script as posted works better. In the film, once Tobe starts talking to Kyle, it's easy to see why he wouldn't be forgiven: he's still a jerk. His heroic act in saving the kids notwithstanding, he still took lots of glee in tormenting Kyle. He only apologizes once he sees Kyle won't forgive him.  

However, Kudos on getting the short filmed ( more than I can claim lol )- the set looked good, nice improvisation putting it together.

This is a well written short that works on that moral question of finding good in everyone-- even big bad bullies that carve their initials into your skin.

I think if this were to be explored further as a feature, it would be interesting to see what causes Tobe to become the honorable hero.  Maybe there's a perfectly logical explanation.  Maybe Tobe's father died in a boating accident and after that, Tobe became angry with God and started taking things out on others, becoming the cruel prototypical bully.  

If that were the case, then it would be a perfect redemption for him at the end:  To save the children from suffering his father's fate.  And of course, this wouldn't take away from the fact that:  Yes, lived the life of a complete jerk.  We can all agree on that.  That's not taken away.  He's not magically transformed into a blessed hero.  Instead, he's revealed as a person who walked a dark path in his life, but reentered its cause to save the children and somehow make amends.

Now, what would really be interesting is if we found out that Tobe didn't die saving these children by accident.  Maybe, after he pulled the last one from the water, he allows himself to fall back.  Maybe the mother watching can't understand this act.  She wonders if he got some kind of weird cramp or something.  "He was almost out.  Almost out.  But then I don't know... He had this smile upon his face... How could it have been a cramp if he had this smile face.  And he fell back into the water.  It took hard and fast into the rocks..."

I think that maybe Tobe found his father.

Well... there goes my little excursion into Tobe's past.

Really good job on this Stewart.

Sandra

Thanks for the posts, everyone.

some replies:

ABSteel

- the makeup job doesn't look as good on YouTube as it did in real life and as it does on the DVD. The job was actually done by a well known artist who works on TV.

- Thanks for your input. The basic premise of the short was about characters and power, and how it can switch back and forth, even between life and death. The theme is about redemption and forgiveness. I only had 5 minutes to show it and no special effects... so it was pretty tight!

mikep

- Thanks for reading the longer version. I like the flashbacks in the longer version too, but since I only had 5 minutes, 1 room and 12 setups, I had to improvise!

Sandra

- Thanks for the kudos. I enjoyed your journey into the past of Tobe. That tells me that you were interested in the character I created and enjoyed the short. Thats what it's all about, so I can't thank you enough.

Thanks again,
Stew

"The basic premise of the short was about characters and power, and how it can switch back and forth, even between life and death."

I didn't get that at all.

Quoted from ABennettWriter "The basic premise of the short was about characters and power, and how it can switch back and forth, even between life and death." I didn't get that at all.

Well, it starts with Kyle having the power when he discovers Tobe is dead. It then switches when Tobe re-animates and taunts Kyle, bringing back the memories of high school. We then switch again when Kyle realizes that Tobe needs his help to get into heaven. And then we have one more switch at the end when Kyle realizes that he had judged Tobe all his life. It's at this point in life that Kyle will under go a change. Lots of power switching back and forth.

Hope this clears things up.

Stew

Kudos to getting this made. I read the script posted and have seen the youtube short.

i did enjoy the sript here more, but the vid you made was also very well done.  The power struggle you talked about was something i picked up on, and i liked that theme.

I'm a complete reversal of what AbSteel stated before.

I feel this is an overused premise to me, however you executed it well. The ending made all the difference.

Good to see moree people discovering this little gem.

Quoted from BryMo Kudos to getting this made. I read the script posted and have seen the youtube short. i did enjoy the sript here more, but the vid you made was also very well done.  The power struggle you talked about was something i picked up on, and i liked that theme. I'm a complete reversal of what AbSteel stated before. I feel this is an overused premise to me, however you executed it well. The ending made all the difference. Good to see moree people discovering this little gem.

Thanks for the kind words, chomico.

It's interesting to hear people's differing reactions to the short. I had a screening at the film school and so many different people took things away from it.

The question I heard most was: Did Tobe get into heaven?
My answer was: What do you think?

thanks again,
Stew