Bethink by Mike Carlone (Marshallamps12) - Short, Drama - Paul Brody, the owner of the local funeral home has just found out that the newest body his workers are preparing, is of his old high school bully.   -   Dogglebe One Week Screenwriting Exercise Submission - html, format 8)

Mike(fellow Deftones fan, LOL),

      I really liked the mystery you created behind Bruce's death and thought the whole short went quick and it was very enjoyable. But, I do think you should've "shown" us the torment that Paul experienced. Otherwise...great!

-ONEY

POSSIBLE SPOILERS


I like the direction you took this one and I thought you excecuted it  pretty well. There are a couple of typos where you use hear instead of here and than instead of then. Otherwise the script flows very well, it's nice and tight and the dialogue is good. You handle the exposition well, revealing that the two guys are now friends- it all seems like natural conversation which is good. One thing that bugged me was when the two wives are talking about his death, it just seems very nonchalant, like "oh well at least we know he's dead now, don't need to worry about that anymore". This conversation made it sound like they didn't care.

I liked the ending. I knew what Paul was going to do and I was about to question his motives but then you threw in the thing with his wif and that made it work for me. Overall, a good script, I enjoyed it.

Well, Mike.  Oney may have spoiled HIS story, but at least he didn't spoil yours, eh?

[Note:  Oney fixed his post]

SPOILERS

*  It's a little talky at some points, particularly between Paul and Jimmy.  However, there is one point in the dialogue -- a single line -- that just goes CLANG!! and turns the whole story on it's ear.  I love it when that happens.  I am sure you know which line I mean...
*  Once we know the guys name is Paul Brody, it isn't necessary to call him "Paul Brody" throughout the entire story.  "Paul" is enough (unless you have a bunch of characters named Paul, I suppose).
*  A minor point, but something to consider -- if a dead body has been in the water for an entire month, the decomposition would be terrific.  If you tried to pick the body up, any remaining flesh would slide right off.  Cool, sure, but a small problem in this story.

Nice work, Mr. Amp.  I was waiting to read something from you.

I apologize for any spelling mistakes and I'm glad you guys liked it.

I like the story. Definitely. And it worked really well in reverse.

I think it's odd that although Paul Brody owns the home, he asks if he has to sign anything. In fact this first scene with Paul makes no sense in conjunction with the rest of the story. He puts forth to his workers that he doesn't know Bruce or anything, and yet one day earlier, they are with the police and Bruce's wife. There was no reason to lie to his workers. It feels like the script was written in the order it was told and you improved on the story as you went along until you hit upon the awesome idea you ended with. I know we had to write it quick, but a quick proofreading before submission would have revealed this.

Other than that, well done.

The reason that all he said to his workers was that Bruce was just a bully is because deep down inside that IS all he ever thought of him as. With the limitations of the script length and because I wrote it quickly, I probably didn't explain it enough and although it is subtle, I think you can see the reasoning for him to say that. Also, the reason he acts surprised when he finds out his workers will be handling Bruce's body is because he wouldn't expect the wife to use his funeral home as for Paul to see his friend (or so she thought Bruce was to him) dead on a table for a couple days would probably be very disturbing to him. He was thinking: Why wouldn't she just use a different funeral home? I didn't really put as much information into the script as I wanted, but that was what I was trying to say with the script. Sorry if it wasn't that clear.

Hey Mike,


POSSIBLE SPOILERS ->


Well, this was certainly entertaining! I love the way you approached this! Aside from the typos etc, I think this was well written. I did enjoy the twist, I won't spoil it for others, but seriously, this part was ingenious. I loved the fact that Bruce had to squirm there. However, the 'punch' seemed a bit forced and obsurd by Bruce to suggest that as a means to make peace! I don't know, maybe guys are differnt to girls there..

Overall, really well done! It wasn't predictable and it flowed well. I share Martin's views on the wives chatting as being very non-chalant. As George said, this script got stronger and stronger as it went on. I think the beginning could benefit from a re-write to tighten it all up a bit more.

Good stuff hon x

I thought the reverse storytelling was a unique angle and the format was spot on. Unfortunately, I didn't didn't really care for the dialogue (it was very 'on the nose') and I predicted the outcome early on. A good effort nonetheless. :D

Quoted from Andy Petrou However, the 'punch' seemed a bit forced and obsurd by Bruce to suggest that as a means to make peace! I don't know, maybe guys are differnt to girls there...

Yes, you're right, we do differ there. ;) That was a part that rang true with me, many guys are like that. Absurd? Yes. But men are absurd sometimes.