Call This A Cry For Help by Tyler Nisbet and Addison Richardson. - Drama - They're not bad people.  They're just not exactly right. - doc, format 8)

Okay guys, I'm halfway through. I thought I'd post my review in 2 parts since it could be a long one.

I made notes as I was reading. Mostly minor points about formatting. I'll get on to the story in more detail later. So far, it's a good read.

Pg.1
INT. A DARK ROOM - ‘August 31, 1999’ -- NIGHT

You need to put the date as a SUPER or a CAPTION.

Pg 1. "The first of several voice-overs comes in" - no need to say this, especially since the
next voice over is a while away.

Pg.1 "It’s all relative, I guess. Then again, I guess everything is." This sounds a bit off,
like he's repeating himself.

Cole dyes his hair but there's no description of what it looks like, or what color it is. Then
Seth comments on it, and I had no idea how to picture it.

No need to have your character names capitalized every time. Only when they first appear in the
script and in character headings for dialogue.

Try to avoid 'we see' in descriptions. Although it used to be widely accepted, it's now become
bit of a no no. Try to reword descriptions without this, you'll find they read much better.

"GERI answers the knocking to find AUDREY LANE, her stepsister, with phone in-hand." We have no
way of knowing this is her stepsister.

"We only see the inside of the car. We do not see the driver. GERI gets in and sits in the
passenger seat.

                   GUY
         What took so long?"

If we don't see the guy, put (O.S.) after his name denoting that he is Off Screen

Again, if MOM is off screen behind the door, use (O.S.) to make this clear.

Pg. 8: "He puts on a shirt, goes outside and lights a cigarette." He's moved locations so this needs a new slugline.

Okay, it's page 10 and I was beginning to wonder when we'd get the hook that got the story rolling. Seems like this band thing is it. Nice little dialogue exchange between Cole and Trey.

Pg. 13. Cole ariving at Fletch's house is weird. Is he acting strange for a reason, jumping on
the bed, making strange comments etc?

Pg. 14: I dont know the background here but Cole makes a blatant dig at Seth's parents, calling
them irrational and his Mom a liar. Wouldn't Seth react to this?

Pg. 18 "AUDREY calls out from another room." - her dialogue should be (O.S.)

The phone conversation on page 19-20 is a little confusing.  Seth's dialogue should be in (V.O). When you cut to Fletch's house, both of their voices should be in voiceover.

Pg. 20: I know quite a bit about drugs but I have no idea what '2CI' is.

Pg. 27-28: I really like the intercut conversations here but I think it could be formatted better. I'd remove the (cut before parenthesis) note and just have it like this:

                   GERI
         Only because she follows the directions on the
         package! She’s totally incompetent! I’d say she’s just--



EXT. COFFEE PLACE -- AFTERNOON

                   AUDREY
         --clingy and selfish and an all-around terrible person--



Cole's line "Mine too" doesn't make sense here since he's responding to the other conversation. Maybe he could just say the same line that Seth just said.

Also, when writing sluglines, stick to DAY and NIGHT unless it's absolutely necessary to be specific.

Pg.34-35: The conversation between Seth and Cole is excellent. This is really going somewhere now.

I'm gonna leave this for now because I have work to do. I'll get back to you with a full review soon as.

So far I'm liking it. It took a while to get going but I'm becoming more involved with the characters now.

First off,
I really appreciate you taking the time to read our script. You have given a lot of great insight so far. Some we have fixed recently, some may need a lot of explanation, but especially all the format errors. I really appreciate all the help. Please let me know what you think of the screenplay as a whole, when you finish.

Thanks again,

Tyler Nisbet
writer/director
"Call This A Cry For Help"

i'm really glad someone is actually interested enough to take the time to make notes or even post suggestions about our work. i'll definitely be submitting scripts more frequently for help. any comments on story structure, character development, and anything else that maybe could have been tweaked to be better would be great. we tried what we thought was unconventional and we think it worked well. also, any kind of overall rating would be great, even something like a one to ten scale, just to know if writing more is even worth it.  what do you think?

thanks,
Addie Richardson
writer
"Call This a Cry for Help"

Here's the rest of my review.

Pg. 37 Seth's Place- this is a good scene, the dialogue is great.  We're really seeing some of Cole's identity crisis.


Pg. 46 - good voiceover from Cole "Good things come to those who wait, but so does death, if you wait too long." - great line.

Pg. 50- excellent scene between Geri and Cole- dialogue is spot on.

Pg. 57- I'm liking Fletch, "so does being in a diaper for six months"  :)


Pg. 58- consider having POOL ROOM as a slugline to make it clearer and also to break up the description. In fact, throughout this scene you could make the locations clearer with more sluglines.

"He looks up at the clock. 8:57 P.M. He blinks. 9:21 P.M." - this is good- we've all been there

;)

Pg. 60-

INT. SETH’S HOUSE -- NIGHT

He’s trying to calm her down. We cut away. We see a group of people at the TV waiting for the

countdown.

This gets confusing- use sluglines to cut between scenes even if it's as simple as:

BATHROOM

Cole tries to calm her down.

LIVING ROOM

A group of people watch the TV...

Much clearer this way.

Oh man.... MAJOR SPOILER BELOW!



You killed Geri... I wasn't expecting it.

This scene is a bit confusing the way it's written. How many doors are in the bathroom?
It takes a long time to bleed to death and with Trey and Audrey standing there, I can't see it happening. If you really want to kill here, consider removing Trey and Audrey from the scene. Have Cole and Geri struggle over the knife, maybe Cole gets knocked out while Geri bleeds to death. You could intercut with the celebrations downstairs for some juxtaposition. Maybe have Cole wake up and try to save her but too late.

I like how you did the journal thing, you succeeded in making me think it was Cole all along.

Pg. 63 - ‘the most tragic thing to happen since Columbine’- I'm not sure a newspaper would compare these two events, maybe I'm wrong.

Okay, I'm finished.

Overall thoughts: very good. To be honest, when I started reading I wasn't expecting such a moving piece. Your characters are well drawn and unique. The dialogue is excellent at times- some of it could use a little work. You have some nice visuals in there too.

Although I've picked you up on a few minor points, the overall formatting is pretty solid.

If I were to offer advice to improve, I'd say the first 10-20 pages could use some work. I

wasn't really hooked by this script, more like gradually drawn in. The first 10 pages are the most important, since you need to hook your audience. I like it enough to continue reading but I wasn't 'hooked'.

I won't give a mark out of 10 but I will say that I think you did a really good job with this. It needs a little work but you have a good story and strong characters.

I enjoyed it.

Keep writing.

Quoted from MobstaMan56 I think the guy who reviewed this script before with all his bullet points and page numbers needs to loosen up...A LOT! If he is that interested in the technical then obviously he is too stupid to understand the message and meaning.

I'm gonna call you on these comments, MM.

The "guy who reviewed this script" is a very talented writer who offered valuable feedback for this author -- what these boards are all about.

You, on the other hand, offered nothing but empty praise.

Martin is most certainly not "too stupid" to get the story.  He was trying to help this author.  For free, in fact.

If you want to try and film this then knock yourself out -- good luck -- but please refrain from further negativity towards board members and their reviews -- and do not discourage them from posting feedback by calling them stupid, OK?  You don't know what you are talking about.

From this thread:

Quoted from MobstaMan56 I just finished reading your screenplay. WOW! This is probably the best screenplay I have ever read on this site. I love the characters, I love the message, it is amazing!…This is truly an amazing story that must be told…I am asking for permission to make this into a movie.

From the “Among the Dead” thread:

Quoted from MobstaMan56 I just read your script and it was amazing! Great plot….I was wondering if I could have your permission to film this movie…

These are quotes from two of three posts from this “director.”  I think this in conjunction with what he said about Martin pretty much sums up this guy’s “expertise.”

The authors of this script would do wise to consider Martin’s advice and take the words of this “director” with a grain of salt. Remember that technically anyone who has a camera can call himself a filmmaker. The type of advice Martin is giving is valuable. It can help make you a better writer. This guy’s unmitigated praises are worth little more than an ego stroke.


[EDIT - These boards are member moderated, not just moderated by official moderators. In other words, a member may admonish the inappropriate behavior of another member. Therefore, I’m not “butting into something that does not concern me.” I’m admonishing a rude poster.]

Quoted from MobstaMan56 I just finished reading your screenplay. WOW! This is probably the best screenplay I have ever read on this site. I love the characters, I love the message, it is amazing! I think the guy who reviewed this script before with all his bullet points and page numbers needs to loosen up...A LOT!

Such praise, and from someone who's made five posts?!

LOL -- comments, such as the above, are enough to make me, a new member, pass on reading this.  

Fact is, those who read this script were probably being generous. If you think they were being "tough," imagine what a Hollywood studio, with millions of dollars on the line, might say.

The reality is, you haven't any interest in improving this script. You, apparently, think it's perfect. If this is the case, then tell the writer to submit it to his agent (assuming he has one -- lol~!). In any case,  stop wasting your time with us wanna-be writers.

Seth  

I would ask that we not turn this thread into a protracted Mobstaman bash.

I thought I should jump on here to say that I got a PM from him that was actually quite polite and apologetic.  He gets it.

There is no need to delete any existing comments -- they all make fair points -- but there isn't really much more to say here either.

Unless you are talking about the script itself, of course.

[EDIT:  I have reviewed Brea's comments, MM -- and while her brand of sarcasm can be quite pointed -- her comments are also quite general.  If you feel she is "cutting you down", then you are personalizing them more than you should.]

We can't legally allow anyone else to make this film because Tyler Nisbet and I, Addie Richardson, have already filmed it and gained copyright for it and the screenplay. We appreciate any more critique anyone will offer but we really can't offer more than that.
If you'd like to discuss any other ideas, feel free. We have email, myspace, a cheapo website, you name it.
We really do appreciate the praise, and all the argument over it, but we also appreciated the criticisms because it helped us see the writing in a new light and (thankfully) that was before we filmed. Seriously, this production took three years to complete and I'm very proud of the results. Thanks again to anyone who read the script or offered advice.
Just a little advice. Try to stay on topic here. This thread is about a script, and everything it involves. It's not about people arguing online.
-Addie Richardson, cowriter, actor, sound engineer.