The Recluse by Andrew Roby and Malcolm Bowman - Thriller, Adventure - Constantine Thriften was just accused of murdering his whole family. Only problem is he states he never preformed such an act. In prison he finds an opportunity to escape and takes it. He makes his way to an unknown island. And on the island there are things that man was never supposed to see. - html, format 8)

What was cool about this story, Andrew and Scoob, was that I could spot both of you in it as I worked my way through the piece.  This is nice work, guys.  A story you can be proud of.  The pace is brisk, without much down-time, and I always like that.  I can’t think of anything else to say up here that would not be a spoiler, so I’ll just get to it:

(Spoiler Space)



*  Just to be a dick, I will bust you on the very first line.  “In what looks like an upper-class area…”  You are the writer here.  It is or it isn’t.  You tell me.
*  Also, the first time a character appears, their name should be in CAPS.  I think you guys already know this, but somebody forgot to do it.  I don’t see it anywhere.
*  The beginning is too much like “Liberty City”, with the slaughter of a wife and kids we haven’t even met yet.  As stated by a couple of people under the L.C. thread, this will not carry a lot of impact until we know these characters a little better.
*  You have a stretch of dialogue, with the judge and Constantine, where it is all in caps.  This just “looks” wrong, and I suspect it is wrong.  You can say something like, “The judge must shout to be heard above the ruckus of the courtroom” or something, and end his lines with a “!” That should be enough.
*  After Weasel starts the car, you say, “they drive around until Constantine points to a house.”  Break this up into two scenes:  “Weasel starts the car -- then end that scene and begin a new one – driving around, and Constantine points to a house.”  And then you have Weasel sitting there honking the horn?  They just escaped from prison!  This detail is unrealistic and needs to go.
*  During the boat scene, which I liked, having Weasel “turn” was clever, but give him some motivation for this.  Constantine’s escape from this situation was done well.  But a tiny piece of dialogue here, by the chopper pilot, I think:  “…both are now a burning chip.” seemed like an odd thing to say.
*  Early on, on the island, you have a scene that begins with the slug “INT. UNDER CAVE” that is way too confusing.  First he is on the floor, then on a ledge, then on the floor again, and suddenly outside the cave.  I read this one a couple of times, but could never follow exactly what was going on.  This scene needs to be reworked, and described in greater detail.
*  You make a tremendously big deal about these “THUDs” in the village.  And then they just stop, and go away?  I like the giant worm very much.  Is it the worm making this noise?  But why does it “Thud”?  It seems like this noise is here for effect – several times – but with no real explanation.  I hope there is a payoff later.  (An addendum, written later:  No.  This noise is never explained.  You use it so frequently that you cannot leave the source of this sound unanswered.  You’ve gotta put it an explanation somewhere, I think, or it comes off as a “cheat”, strictly for effect.)  
*  Ken seems a little too open with Constantine about his past.  Why would he share such intimate details right off the bat?  Or is this supposed to be a clue of some sort?  I am beginning to suspect that something strange is going on here.

It was soon after this last comment that I just stopped making comments, as it quickly became clear that nothing was as it seemed, so questions about continuity or whatever became meaningless.  This actually ended up with a nice “Jacob’s Ladder” feel to it, leaving plenty for the reader to ponder once the story was over.

In fact, now that I am finished, I am not even sure the family was ever real to begin with.  I am not sure if this interpretation was your intent, but I think the story can be read that way, too.

After this has been up for a while, you and Scoob need to drop a line on this thread describing YOUR interpretation of this story, as the authors.

But you should do it separately, and I wonder if even the two of you will agree as to how this story all adds up in the final analysis?

I will tell you my interpretation as more people read it and what not.

On the next draft i already plotted out what i am doing and the first thing is the opening scene.

Thank you for reading this and i am honored you enjoyed it. It's a really good feeling, ya know?

Hi Bert,
Thanks for the review on "The Recluse". Im glad you enjoyed it and you have pointed out some great points that Im sure will be fixed.
Andrew really deserves most of the credit, he wrote a large percentage of the script and I think he did a great job putting everything together.

Yeah, I am. Maybe tonight, I've been kinda busy but I'll get around to it.

-Zavier

Hey guys, I will be checking this out at some point although probably not this week since I'll be visiting friends. It's definitely on my "to read" list though.

Andrew and Scoob

Your story kept me ingaged throughout. I kept wanting to know, "what next."

I like twisty movies and screenwriting.

Bert makes a great point right off the bat. Your opening line almost made me stop and drop the reading of your script. If I were a Hollywood type I am sure it would have been dropped right away. Be decisive with your descriptions.

Overall, you both have great potential and look forward to reading more from you guys.

Spencer

Read: Open Casket

Thanks Spencer,
Glad you took the time to read the script and glad you enjoyed it.

You're right (and Bert) about the description mistakes and as it was me that did it, I'll try and improve on this for the future.

Thanks for you're comment.

Thanks Spencer.
I already fixed it and many more things that will be in the next draft.

I'm glad you enjoyed and thanks again for taking the time to read it.  ;D

Andrew & Scoob,

I was completely drawn into the story and I liked it. But, I am a little confused on a couple of things; what was the worm supposed to represent? The village also, was it supposed to represent Constantine's "abanondment" in this mind? You guys had some pretty cool sequences; the cave and the escape from the boathouse.

Dialogue needs to be tweaked a little and maybe more development with Constantine, maybe Ken or Jay could ask *him* how he found himself on the island or something?

Overall, not bad, it was a quick read. Good job.

-ONEY

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The whole worm creature and island were to represent Constatine 'loosing it' in his mind.

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END OF SPOILERS


Thank you for checking it out. The next draft i will extend/fix with more then 20 pages added. I will have more detail on all this later on.

Alright fellas. I had a read of this today and, overall, it's impressive stuff. It's certainly original too. I remember when this idea was first mentioned on a WIP thread and it seems to have evolved a great deal since the original premise was posted.

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW






I made some notes as I read. Apologies if I'm repeating what others have said. Some of it is picky but only because the majority of the script is very good.


Introduce characters in CAPS

I'd like some character descriptions so I can visualize your characters. I keep picturing Keanu Reeves as Constantine purely because of his name. We need clear, concise descriptions.

Again, you deal with killing the family very quickly. There's no suspense but there is a lot of potential for it. I'd suggest drawing this out a few more pages, give us some build-up.

The courtroom scene is very good. A minor note at the end. The judge shouting seemed odd because it was in caps, like he was losing control. Then you have "He is drug away"- this should be 'dragged'.

The hole in Constantine's cell is a little weird. Wouldn't they notice a big hole in the floor and a hammer under his mattress? This place would be maximum security. I'll suspend my disbelief for now though. Edit- having finished the script I can hardly pick you up on believability issues.

Early flashbacks are working well- short and to the point. Good stuff.

"The unknown man lights a cigar, the smoke illuminating his facial features." again, we need a brief description of what he looks like, how old he is etc.

If Kane gave them blanks, the gun would still fire and make a sound... At least I think so, anyway.

The action sequence with the police and the yacht is very well written. So far, the pace of the piece as a whole is very quick with few wasted words.

Just a minor point: When Constantine arrives at the island and enters the cave you could tighten up the description a little. It reads like �Constantine does this, Constantine does that etc.� We know it is Constantine so it would read quicker if you refer to him as �he�. Sentence fragments are fine as well.

Constantine enters the village- some awkward wording here: �the village is made up of huts made up out of trees and straw�

It should be �rain-soaked� not �rain soaked�

You�ve built up some great suspense in the village scene- this is the kind of suspense I�d like to see at the beginning before his family is killed.

Wasn�t expecting the worm. Things are getting interesting.

Continuity: �JAY: Oh I'm sure it don't. Constantine. Didn't you say the village you saw was destroyed?� � actually he didn�t say it was destroyed, he said there was nothing there. Edit- again, having finished it, this probably isn't an issue.

Ken seems to admit to having �killed some people� a little too easily.

When they are asleep and the thumping starts, I�m pretty sure they would know what it was right away. The dialogue is unnecessary.

The ending opens up a whole can of worms about what this all means. It leaves a lot of questions which I think is a good thing. We still don't really know why Constantine killed his family which left me a little dissatisfied, but, on the whole, I think the ending is effective. It's the kind of ending I like- with more questions than answers.

I think the strength of this script is the pacing and the way the action is described. The best scenes for me were the shootout in the safehouse/yacht and the scene where Constantine enters the village. I also liked the dialogue between Constantine and the voice in his head towards the end.

Overall, an enjoyable and original script.

Thank you very much for your review and most of the stuff you posted i alrady fixed. The beginning is extending longer and all.

If you read the WIP thing for this youll see i got really mad at one point. When i was writing the scene with the voices in his head my computer went gay and shut down. I had 10 dramatic and thrilling pages of all of this.

The voices scene you are reading is no where near as good as it used to be. I am going to try and extend that scene again.

Thanks again  ;D

Thanks for the review Der Spieler, much appreciated.

You made some good points, particularly about the blank gun!

Hopefully the next draft will pick up on the points you have made and will smoothen a few things out.

Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading.

The second draft should be out sometime in November.
Im glad you all enjoy this so far.

I read your script.

SPOILERS FOR EVERYONE!

Here's my comments as I was reading. They might repeat what you know.

INT. THRIFTEN HOUSE - The murder -- Personal preference gives me a bad taste right from the beginning. You killed children. Name a successful movie where children (age range you have here: 4-6) are slaughtered. A golden rule I write by and have seen upheld time and again in movies I watch are NEVER mess with young children. This being the opening scene, you have a huge hurdle to overcome.

As a side note, the first time a character (any character; lawyers, jury and judge included) are introduced, their name should be capitalized in the description.

INT. COURTROOM - The sentence - Description reads that  a juror stands and acknowledges the court before reading the verdict. This is allowable in a book, but on screen, we will see the juror do this, so his comments need to be written out as it occurs.

Charge two happens twice. The second time, it should be charge three, I would think.

The judge says the sentence will be the harshest twice. This is redundant.

And he would be “dragged” away at the end.

EXT. RICHMOND MAXIMUM etc…

Drop the “we see” and just describe the prison.

INT. RICHMOND… --- the bit about Ol’ Smokey seems like useless info. Better to get right to Constantine.

INT. THRIFTEN HOUSE --- I think this sequence should be indicated in the script as a dream. As I read it, I think for a moment, we’re in real time and not a flashback or dream. It took a moment to realize this is a flashback at least, and then that it is a dream. There is no usefulness in avoiding the dream sequence indicator, so it might as well be there. If someone makes it, it will get put in at some point in production.

INT. TUNNEL SYSTEM

When Constantine first drops into the tunnel, he curses. This would be a reaction to something, but nothing in offered in any description as to what he is reacting to. I’m guessing it is the tunnel, but you failed to describe it.

EXT. BACKYARD

When Constantine enters his backyard, he reacts again verbally. But again, there is nothing to react to besides a pool and a deck. We’ve never seen this backyard before so the existence of a pool and deck mean nothing. Perhaps a quick flashback showing the yard he remembers, if he is reacting to a different yard, which is all I can figure out.

EXT. THRIFTEN HOUSE

Weasel honks the horn and flashes the lights of a car. From the latter description, I assume this isn’t the blue Buick Century originally lifted, however, no indicator is given that the car is different and even though you gave a specific car earlier, you gave no description of the new one.

Constantine says “I thought we were going to yours?” Going to your what?

Constantine’s final line in this scene doesn’t really fit with the ret of the scene. It seems to foreshadow a longer night, but there has been nothing to indicate that the night isn’t over yet.

INT. BOAT HOUSE

The first line of description is redundant. If we’re in the boat house, clearly the pair enters the boat house. “Weasel and Constantine enter” is quite sufficient.

The “unknown man” has already had his name established as Kane. No need to be unclear about it.

EXT. YACHT

The last line of description before the next slug says “Constantine is left out.” It took a moment to realize this means he was left outside. My first thought was “left out of what?”

The next EXT. YACHT venue has a sole lifeboat flapping in the water. Where is this lifeboat in relation to the yacht or the boathouse?

EXT. ISLAND - The island description is a bit weird on how Constantine is viewing it. You have the sky dark and scary from a distance. How is the sky above the island? How does this distance relate to the island? And he is already on the island, what is he walking into? Not the woods as they are yet ahead of him. And he can’t start walking; he either walks or he doesn’t. You mention the woods take up most of the island. Why is this not included in the initial description if they are such a prominent feature?

INT. UNDER CAVE -- The outline of something. When we see this on screen, what kind of description would you give to this something? Animal, vegetable, or mineral? The outline of some sort of creature maybe…remember, you’re writing something visual here, not a book.

EXT. BOTTOM OF HILL - He starts to walk away again. Again, can’t start to do this; he just does it.

His arm “have” scratches…

INT. HUT/EXT. VILLAGE -- you mention a well, but offer no description of this well until we’re on top of it. At that point, we learn the bonfire was in the well, something not put forth until we’re looking down this circular formation of rocks.

He decides to walk towards the woods. This can’t be shown. He either walks or he doesn’t.

EXT. WOODS -- Woods don’t have a entrance or exit, they have an edge or border. Why did he walk into the woods anyway? Why did he give up on whoever is in the village? During the thuds, why does he turn back to the village?

INT. VILLAGE -- Constantine works to push open the door and finally pulls it open. For civilization, exterior residential doors open inward. In primitive huts, I wouldn’t think it would make a difference.

EXT. ROCK CIRCLE -- Strange scene. A plane crash doesn’t land, hence the term “crash.” They would have to give some more info on this crash for it to begin to make sense. The flashback doesn’t give us anything we don’t already know except that they experienced it too. Jay reacts oddly to there being a village like he hasn’t been there, which is interesting, but then Constantine says that’s where the creature is, even though it had left the village shortly before. Now instead of doing the logical thing and take Constantine’s boat and run, they want to kill it. Now I am getting that for some reason, the boat has drifted off into the ocean, though this was never shown. Fortunately Jay is thinking sensibly. Now Jay comes back with Constantine mentioning the village was destroyed, but a glance through the previous dialogue reveals no such info provided by Constantine. Why is Constantine so “down” with killing the creature instead of escaping the island? The Ken gives some sensitive info, and Constantine moves along the scene without a single reaction. Rather cold-hearted. The whole scene seems to be for the purpose of establishing the story line and some new characters, but it moves through very unevenly, and gives Constantine’s character a rather hard blow. Ken’s gung-ho “kill it” attitude toward the thing seems bizarre as well.

EXT. WOODS -- Ken asks where the cave is, but Constantine hadn’t told them about the cave, and implied the thing lives in the village earlier.

The following EXT. WOODS scene can be played instead of the previous one and clear up the problem, since it seems redundant in nature except for them actually entering the cave.

INT. CAVE -- the cave wall has blood writing on it from fresh blood. Weird primarily because the blood is fresh enough to come off on someone’s hand.

Constantine runs down the cave…is that in or out?

EXT. ISLAND NEXT TO OCEAN / OCEAN / OUTSIDE CAVE -- Constantine’s speech doesn’t make sense to me. He states that someone else has to be out there. Well yeah, that’s where he came from, of course there is something else out there. Jay mentions another escape attempt, but I don’t recall the first one. The whole scene just feels weird. Jay and Constantine really don’t know each other, but their conversation feels like they go way back. Jay also seems awful calm for his friend getting lost a moment ago.

EXT. WOODS -- the voiceover discussion thing was cool, and I was hoping for something cool to happen, but it got weird. Why was Constantine calling Jay “Ken?” And why wasn’t Jay reacting to it? Seems like Jay is Ken, but something should have been caught on this by one person or another. And how would Constantine know how Jay talks? They just met.

EXT. WOODS again -- Okay, we get an explanation, but I’m still kinda lost. The explanation explains a lot of the weirdness, but all it does is set up more weirdness.

The ROOM to Constantine getting killed. Um...I don’t get it. You set up how we got onto the island, and it made sense. Now we shift to this room and it makes no sense. He leaves the room and sees himself as an experiment. Then he meets Jay and watches “himself” go Terminator on the cops.

MORE

CONTINUED -- MORE SPOILERS!

FINAL SCENE -- Continuity: in Constantine’s earlier vision, he used an axe, but in this scene he has a knife. I think this scene would work better as a sign to show that he understands who he is finally and what he did. Seems like a weird ending.

I think the concept is good, but there are some parts that really make little sense. Up to the island, the story was flowing pretty well. We had some intrigue and I was really curious about whodunit or how it was done to his family. Once on the island, the story falls apart. I still wanted the investigation into what happened to his family to continue and it was completely dropped. That was the driving force of the story to that point, and it was completely let go for awhile. I think the creature thing is a distraction and lends little to the story. It almost feels like it is supposed to be a different story and kind of thrown in. The two extra characters are clearly some kind of paranormal somethings, but they are so inconsistent that they don’t work well as characters at all. If this was the intent, it is going the wrong direction. They have to be believable.

As the story progressed, it continued to fall apart. Once we got into that room, it all went to hell. No explanation given for location or what happened. I understood that Constantine and Jay were the same, but that’s it. Nothing else worked. Like why was he seeing himself worked on? How did he get to that building? What is that building? Why is he there? And since you have a monster, what happened to it? You have the line of Constantine being the monster, but this should be more visual. We should see the monster perhaps morph into Constantine. There’s a lot of stuff that needs to play into this script to make it work. I love freaky, turned around stories, but stories like that need to make perfect sense in every scene with every character and once it all ends, everything needs a neatly tied up end.

The most pressing questions I need answered though are: 1) WHY did Constantine kill his family? Crazy or not, there needs to be a logical explanation or at least something we can buy. 2) How did Constantine grow during the film? As it stands, it seems he ended exactly how he began. He learned to control an alter ego, but only for an instant before he died. Something more needs to happen to give a satisfying ending.

Here's what I am thinking after reading some of the comments:

Jacob's Ladder is a very cool movie with some amazing twists and confusing moments and a great ending. Here's what Jacob's Ladder has that yours doesn't: internal continuity. Even when stuff changes, we understand that SOMETHING is going on to change the continuity. The setup for these changes makes it crystal clear that he was either dreaming the first version or it's something more screwed up. Don't forget also those wonderful flashes of reality...

I notice now that there will be a follow up version posted for this with 20 additional pages of stuff. I hope this is mostly character work and explanations. Most of the goings on on the island went unexplained. I would guess that all reality ended when he fell asleep in the boat. There needs to be some definitive sign of this before you mess with the continuity or make weird stuff happen. You don't have to give away the farm or anything, but if you don't give away something, no one will buy anything.

I do think the idea has a lot of merit and potential. I like stories that mess with your head and this one certainly has the potential to do so. But the head can only be messed with if you convince it of the reality of what is happening.

Wow!

Firstly, thank you so much for the time and detail you put into reviewing this script George, it is really appreciated,

I agree with you on every point you made, there are a lot of cracks and a few things need to be clearer which Im sure Andrew is cracking on with.

On the small part I had to play in writing this, looking over it again there are parts that you mention where I now realize where I made a mistake here and there so thank you for highlighting these as it will help in the future.

This is only the first or second draft I think, so Im sure any future rewrites will be big and will touch on all that you have commented on.

Thank you SO MUCH for your comments George, as always you have delivered a fantastic and very helpful review.

wow
wow
wow

thank you sooo much george
while i am rewriting this i will most definitly read your review many many times. You are by far the most helpful reviewer on here. I mean i don't know where to start. That was amazing. You pointing things out that i didnt even know. wow. thank you soo much again.

;D

The rewrite will be coming in a month. If anyone has not read this then please do so.

The rewrite will fix many errors amd take out the 'cave' scene and also add many many new scenes with an all new ending.

This is one of the best scripts I've read in a long time.  I actually wanted to know what happened next - and what in god's name was happening to start.  The exposition in the island scenes got a little weak, but maybe that's good because it kept the pace up.

The length, I think was perfect.  This is probably because the script was essentially 4 or 5 easily determined sequences and anothing film I know that does this is King Kong with the intro - island - new york set up.  Even though it might be long, it appears shorter than it actually is (but King Kong was still freakin long).

The ending was a head trip.  That's a good thing.  You never give 100% evidence that Constantine really murdered anyone, so we're left wondering.  I feel their were themes in this that I missed, which mean's they must of been really deep :)

I give this a 90/100 -10 only because I think some of the dialogue and exposition can be intensified.

Props to you

Thanks a lot Stephan. I really apprichiate you reading it. And i'm glad it entertained you  ;D

Make sure to check out the rewrite when it comes up. So much new stuff will be added it will be worth another read.

The rewrite will be up April 15th.


- Extended Beginning
- More Time on the Island
- More Time off of the Island
- More Battle Scenes
- More Character
- And a All New Ending That You Can't Miss

I am about 25% done with this.
Can someone read this when i'm done and tell me if i should make any changes before submitting it?

i wouldnt mind it reading it... i didnt read your first draft so id be going into it with a clean perspective... i dont know if thats good or bad
anyway, check my post history if you'd like to see what kind of reviews i give.. if you don't think id be helpfull then that's okay but i definetly wouldn't mind giving it a read when you're all set

You all will love the new ending.  ;D (devilish laugh)

I'm going to give this a read sometime soon. A review should be up on Saturday.

Have you read it?

I think Jimbo got banned.

Just finished.

Overall, a decent read. A lot of weird stuff going on which is always good. I liked the island segment the best. I think the rewrite could use a little more "worm." The worm was really cool. The final act was cool as well. Constantine watching himself get shot down was very clever.

The dialogue could use some work. For the most part, it sounds natural but I think a lot of it could be cut down. In the court scene, Constantine's crimes could be summarized into one line by the judge and then the juror could simply say "we find the defendent... guilty." Then there're lines like the one about Old Smokey. The guard says that he burned down a church full of kids and a lot of them died. Well, obviously they died if they were in the church. The second half of that line could be cut. Basically stuff along those lines.

You could also lose the final scene. It's pretty obvious by the end that Constantine did indeed kill his family.

All in all, a pretty decent read. Good luck with the rewrite, guys.

Yeah. For the rewrite i wrote a whole new ending. And the end scene is gone. I'm leaving it as a mystery. As in what do you think really happened?

The island has much, much more time and the cave scene is also rewritten. This also has some new scenes here and there and the dialouge is changed.

Thanks for checking it out.