A Bomb under the table by Isaac Brooks (jerdol) - Short - Four people play a game of bridge, three of them unaware that underneath the table they're playing on is a bomb. - doc, format 8)

Nice story. It was sort of funny. Could've done without the ending though.

Rather than a full script, this was meant to be more of an excercise is creating a suspenseful atmosphere.  It's based on Alfred Hitchcock's well known quote on suspense:  "There's a bomb under a table.  If it goes off - that's action.  If it doesn't - that's suspense".  So I decided to build a one-scene script about that.
The beginning is the middle, and the ending lacks a sensible context, because it was written intentionally incomplete.  But the question I'm wondering, the only question I really care about, is:  Was it suspenseful?

Yeah, it was a bit suspenseful when he get looking at his watch and stuff. What I meant by the ending was:


**SPOILER**





The guy that came at the end to save them from the bomb. Kind of corny. You should've had that they all got worried and stood up from the table right before the bomb exploded. That would've been a bit better.

I'm reading this one as of right now... So my review will be reflective of that.

1st off -- You are using paragraphs here. Big ones. Long ones. Break those down into no more than 4 sentences or lines tops.

You tell us who planted bomb... We didn't know that and even though you told us we still don't "REALLY" know that cause we didn't see that and you can show that this is the guy who planted the bomb in that scene you just laid out. Also you are going into fairly deep depth about what they looks like.. Is this important? The tint of their hair and such? I dunno if that is relevant.

GET OUT OWN WIVES??? I don't think this was supposed to be spelt like that.

The CLUBS, huh? Since you've described these people as about or even beyond middle age... I'd hate to be these guys friends at this age. I don't believe they'd be CLUBBING still and if any self respecting parent, middle aged man or woman does this beyond 27 "even" they got problems.

You put way way way way way way way way can I say way too much focus on the bomb. You put just about as much focus on the bomb as I put in my way's... AS IN WAY TOO MUCH!

I don't get already practically standing? Are they or are they not? Are they slightly standing, how can you slightly stand? I dunno... I wanna learn how to practically stand.

I just got to the end... Which I have to say is absurd. I mean... where was the logic in this? Who's the guy in the bage suit and how'd he know about the bomb? If this was a bomb why was Alan in the house with these people? Did he wanna die too?

Your dialogue was kinda good, sometimes, kinda stale at others. I liked when she dropped her hand and she said NOBODY LOOK!  that added a lot of realism to that whole scene, actually.

In the end... It wasn't suspenseful, not really... It was kinda annoying in a way.

I'd re-write it with a few key points I talked about in minde. The CLUB and their age killed it for me right off the bat cause it didn't seem real enough. I dunno... it just didn't deliever very well.

Quoted Text You tell us who planted bomb... We didn't know that and even though you told us we still don't "REALLY" know that cause we didn't see that and you can show that this is the guy who planted the bomb in that scene you just laid out.

I do at the end, where I mention you see his face.  The viewer is expected to recognize him in the next scene, which is why I felt okay giving it away.

Quoted Text Also you are going into fairly deep depth about what they looks like.. Is this important? The tint of their hair and such? I dunno if that is relevant.

It isn't.  That's probably the result of whatever mood I was in at the time.

Quoted Text The CLUBS, huh? Since you've described these people as about or even beyond middle age... I'd hate to be these guys friends at this age. I don't believe they'd be CLUBBING still and if any self respecting parent, middle aged man or woman does this beyond 27 "even" they got problems.

The reference was to a bridge club; I'll make that clearer in the next draft.

Quoted Text You put way way way way way way way way can I say way too much focus on the bomb. You put just about as much focus on the bomb as I put in my way's... AS IN WAY TOO MUCH!

That's a good point.  The problem is that my first draft had too LITTLE focus on it, so I added a ton of one-line references to the script going over it for the second draft.  It seems I overdid that.

Quoted Text I don't get already practically standing? Are they or are they not? Are they slightly standing, how can you slightly stand? I dunno... I wanna learn how to practically stand.

Yeah, I'll change that to make it clearer.

Quoted Text I just got to the end... Which I have to say is absurd. I mean... where was the logic in this? Who's the guy in the bage suit and how'd he know about the bomb? If this was a bomb why was Alan in the house with these people? Did he wanna die too?

Alan expected to be in the other room, where he's safe from it.  The ending doesn't make any sense in the currect context.  As this was more of an excercise than a full script, I didn't put much effort into making the ending or beginning.  There's clearly a greater context to the story that I'm leaving out simply because I don't care about it.  All I was interested in was seeing people gathered around the table.
Now that there's so much objection to the abrupt ending, though, I'll probably change it.
Thanks for the strong criticism, that's just what I need to improve the script.


Btw, how do I post something once I've re-written it?

Jerdol,

All I can really do is echo much of what Balt's already said. The long paragraphs at the beginning are usually enough to stop me reading right away. After that it does improve and becomes quite a quick read.

The dialogue sounds natural for the most part and you obviously know your bridge.

You've added some nice suspenseful moments. When she drops her cards under the table, when Alan passes on a good hand, knocking over the drink etc. I think you could work on adding a few more of these moments or at least working with the ones you have for maximum effect.

At risk of shamelessly plugging my own stuff, my script 'Araucaria' was also written with Hitchcock's quote in mind. I had to write a suspenseful piece for a contest so I did a little research before I started. I learnt that cross-cutting is one of the most effective techniques for creating suspense. You have a little of that here- the part where Alan is in the kitchen is probably the strongest part of the script. You could expand on this. Also, who is the guy in the beige suit? You could show him discovering that Alan has planted a bomb and show him making his way there to save them. Then the audience will be wondering 'will he get there in time?'. That's suspense. The way you have it now, the ending is totally out of the blue and not foreshadowed in any way.

The club thing didn't bother me. I knew you were talking about a bridge club but I can see how it could be confusing.

I don't think you focus on the bomb too much. Perhaps you could reword your descriptions so that it's different every time. I had the same problem in Araucaria where I continually refer to the record player. It took a fair bit of rewriting to achieve the right balance although I still wasn't entirely happy with it.

Overall, I think you did a pretty good job as an exercise in suspense writing. But I think you could have expanded and moved away from the simple 'bomb under table' scenario and given us more of a story.