Last Charge of the Rodent Brigade by Mike Jones - Anime, Family - Inspired by a legendary band of rodent warriors, a group of forest critters attempts to bring law to their wilderness sanctuary. 89 pages - doc, format 8)

This is really cute. It’s a very sweet little story that I think kids would love.

There were a few formatting problems such as: it would be better to just introduce a character instead of changing the way you address them. Once, a single character had three different addresses: voice, gopher, and then Waddle. There were a few other minor format problems like on p.48, you have Scratch as the speaker when the dialogue is Sarge’s and you wrote “loose” instead of “lose,” a common error and “prey” instead of “pray” but, quite honestly, they were all overlookable given the overall quality of the story.

I do like the way you did the dialogue montage with the various characters. It’s a good technique that worked very well. It was clear and served its purpose economically. I take it you invented that since I don’t recall having seen it before. Very creative.

As far as the story, I really liked it. I think it could use just a little more fleshing out but for the most part it’s solid and definitely has a lot going for it.

I wish you had given the main characters names. I know you explained why they had none but I still felt like it made it too impersonal. I really think it would have contributed to the endearment of the main characters if they had names.

Some main characters were obviously better developed than others. Scowl, for example, had a lot of good lines. I could almost hear a deep British voice like Jeremy Irons. Other characters like Waddle or Grandma Squirrel, for example, could have had a little more added to them.

Also, the Rodent Brigade: I understand that they were off fighting but they were barely in the story. I think it would be beneficial to the story if Scratch (and what a visionary was he) were actually a member. I’m not sure why Scratch and the rats went their separate ways. The Rodent Brigade obviously allowed other rodents besides rats because Father Squirrel was a soldier. I think this could benefit if Scratch were a member and had stayed behind in the fen because of, say, a battle injury or something.

The only other problem I saw with this is the adult content. This would be a really good children’s story. Possibly some of the graphic scenes of dead animals may be a bit much. I’m conflicted about that. I don’t know how well small children could handle that. Also, there was at least one profane word that I remember. Without those scenes, children could pretty much watch this without parental guidance.

I really liked the scene where the Squirrel family was forced to move and had to stay in more humble accommodations than they were used to. This scene had subtle allusions to homelessness. In fact, this story has quite a few little allegories for some very serious societal issues (the most obvious being war) while simultaneously managing to effortlessly stay well on track as a simple cartoon about critters in a fen in the forest.

Overall, this was a really sweet and charming little cartoon. I really enjoyed reading it. It was very adventurous. And very sad on occasion. Very well done. If I were a reader for an animation company, I wouldn’t be ashamed one bit to take this to an executive and see if I could get a sign-off.

The title of this story really fired up my imagination. I had images of an amry of raccons and badgers and rabbits charging across a grass field. Swords raised, explosions all around them, their banners trailing in the wind.

The story does not quite match the excitement  of the title.  But it still is an enjoyable and gentle story.  The idea of forest cirtters trying to create for themself a utopic community is charming. This starts of  as a good solid story involving a family of squrriels moving into what they believe will be a slice of heaven. A paradise where all animals live in peace.

But of coarse the wolves ruin it for everyone when they decide that living in harmony is for pussies and obey their more primitive instincts: eat rodents. The plot structure is tight and solid for the first two acts. However by act 3 the story falls apart and becomes a bit of a mess. The end battle is a little limp and the final confrontation with the vilian seems like it has been tacked on as an afterthought.

One of the best things that impressed me with this script was how short the scenes where. most where only half a page. This kept the story moving at a brisk pace. The flow of the story is great and you really get swept in the adventure of this story and want to know how it will finish.

If you loved Watership Down or Secret Of Nymph or the Redwall novel than you will think this story is a hoot.

    

Thanks both of you for you reviews.  I'll make a point of reviewing some of your scripts in the near future.

Breanne:

I kind of cringed when I saw you use the words 'cute' and 'sweet' to describe my story but I guess it is what it is and I appreciate the comment.  Most of my writing is geared towards kids anyway so I'll take this as a positive.

As for the dead animals and adult content, I think you'd agree that the deer carcass at the beginning is an important story element and needs to be there; perhaps if I made it into just a skull or something instead.  I've always felt very strongly on this though - that children, even very young ones, are far more resilient and capable of handling much more than we give them credit for, especially if it's presented in the proper way.  That's why, I think, most fairytales are quite dark (think Hanzel and Gretel, little red riding hood and so on.)  

I agree that the rodent brigade isn't in it too much but, dispite the title, it's not really their story.  I purposely focused on the squirrel family so as to personalize the story more. Your opinion is duly noted though.  I'll have to ponder on this a bit longer.

As for the names, well, I'm just not very good at them.  Scatch and Sarge was the best that I could come up with.  When I wrote it I just referred to the main characters by their species with the idea that I'd come back at some point and change them but they kind of grew on me.

And finally thanks for pointing out the typos.

Tonkatough:

I had thought about expanding the battle scene at the end so we'll see what happens; it certainly wouldn't hurt the story in any way to add a bit more fighting.  

As for the final confrontation with the villian at the end feeling tacked on, well, you may have a point.  The ending was the most difficult part for me.  I essentially wrote it in chronological order with no idea how it was going to end.  I just felt that it rang true for his character to not be willing to let this go.

Your allusions to 'Watership Down' and 'Secret of Nimh' are correct.  That is what I was going for, something in that vein.  I've never heard of the Redwall novel though.  Maybe I should check it out.

I'm reeading this instead since the prior one was difficult to find. Give me a couple of days to read and set review in order.

I'm looking forward to your review.  It's a kids story but don't let that frighten you.  At some point I plan to do a rewrite on this one once I get enough feedback so tell me what you think.

P.S.

I'll keep a watch out for A Night to Remember and be sure to post a review.

Sorry for the wait, I only got to read the first ten pages and it appears the same as The False Road. The flow of the story is great, I enjoyed the dialogue, and there were funny scenes. The scrip seems to Disneyish (if there is such a word).

Nevertheless, many mistakes are repeated as well: format wise. You could fix these up in a real jiffy. Eventhough I loved how you introduced the characters, the proper format I believe is through description first and then you can introduce them if you like through the dialogue. I wanted post some review for you in order to not keep you waiting. I hate that when people do it to me so I try not to do it to others. I will continue reading to see how it goes and will post a review.  Sorry again for the long wait.

Gabriel  

Hey Gabriel.

No problem about the wait.  I'm kinda eager to see what you think about this one though, especially since you're not the typical audience for this type of story.  Honest feedback is all I ask.

Your Disney referrence is interesting because, believe it or not, I was trying to steer clear of that when I wrote this.  Any rewrites I do will most likely be done with the intention of drawing it further away from that mold.

Finished the script. I loved it; it made me think of the Lion King.

The only thing you are responsible for is fixing the errors that I mentioned as  others probably did to on your prior script and what other people mentioned in this one as well. I hope this makes tsense if not just ask and I'll see if i can clear it up.

The fact you tried to deviate avay from Disney interests me. From the very few pages, I got that whif because of the characters introduced and later supported by the overall premise: equality. I'm really unsure how you are going to get away from that, but it's a great challenge for a writer.  

I have only two questions to ask that slightly confused me: 1. How did the son and daughter get wind of the wolves' scheming if they were easedropping in the council meeting?

2. Why would the volves betray their new leader Scowl that quickly? I could understand that it's their nature but I think that scene should be developed when the wolves conqueror the fen.

Anyway, on a good note, Loved the story and you have a terrific style of writing except for all the camera angles. :) I am considering to read your adventure/fantasy script since I'm thinking of doing one. Don't know when I'll start though.

Gabriel

Thanks again Gabriel.

I'm not sure either how I'm going to get away from the Disney tag.  Maybe it's inevitable given the characters and subject matter.  I just don't want it to be too cute and fuzzy to the point that it might drive anyone over the age of nine away, if you know what I mean?  I hope the emotion is real anyway.  Too many writers tend to pander down to kids.

To answer your questions:

Son and Daughter left the council meeting right after the wolves did.  They were trying to sneak back home before Mama found out they were gone and accidently stumbled upon the two wolves along the way.  At least that's how I intended it to be.  

I guess I don't have an answer for your second question.  I should though.  Actually these are two very good points you brought up and I'll make sure to work them in when I do my rewrites.

OK, finished.  Sorry for how long it took.  I've never reviewed a kid's movie before,  so this was interesting to read.  That being said, however, I have to say I was a little disappointed with the script.  For me, it seemed to by-the-numbers.  Which might be fine for kids, but for me, it just wasn't doing it.  The whole time I was reading, I was trying to figure out if a kid would like the story, but I didn't know.

I think your biggest problem was your characters.  You've got a great cast of characters, but none of them seem to have their own personalities.  You've got the potential to have some real memorable characters, but they all seem to talk/act the same.  I think you need to give them characteristics that really make them stand out.  That, for me, usually is what makes a kid's movie; the colorful characters you meet on your journey.  It just seems like whenever you introduced a character (The spider, the salmon, etc), they didn't seem to have an individual voice.

And because of this, the script suffered for me.  Also, like I said, the predictabily got to me at times.  I never felt like the characters were in any real danger.  I think what really would have mixed things up would be to kill one of the main characters early on.  Like, when Scowl initially attacked Digger and Lilly...I kind of wanted to see Lilly die.  You might think this too morbid for a kid's movie, but if you think about it, a lot of kid's movies are morbid.  Think about Mufasa dying in the Lion King.  I know you kill Sarge off, but I could see that death coming from a mile away.   But then again, like I said, it's for kids....so a kid might actually believe that Lilly and Digger might not make it out alive.

Don't be discouraged by my critiques.  I think it could be a really great kid's film.  I just think you need to mix it up a little bit (as far as defying convention) and add some spice to your characters.

Thanks for the review Dressel.  Sorry it didn't work for you.  I like getting  opinions from people outside the genre so your reaction is interesting to me.  Can't say I understand how you think the characters are all alike though.  I find that a little perplexing but maybe that has to do with the fact that you just couldn't get into the story.

I know the story is pretty straighforeward so I can see why you'd feel it's too conventional.  I wanted the animals, for the most part, to act like animals - that's why I didn't create any new spin on things or go for some gimmick by infusing them with too many human characteristics.

Killing off Lilly is a bold suggestion but I think it's a writers job to challenge the reader so maybe it has some merit.