Caribal Canis Lupus Familiaris by Zavier Alvarez (Dick_Nixon) - Short, Gothic Horror - The tale of a Psychopath, who loves dogs. Dogglebe's Halloween Writing Exercise entrant - pdf, format 8)

This was a creepy little tale, perfect for Halloween. It sent shivers up my spine when the body parts were found.
I liked Sarah's last name, glad she made it outta there.

SPOILERS AHOY!

Overall, not bad. It was bizarre enough although the existence of the sheer number of bodies kind of threw me. A little known fact is that the human body can provide enough sustenance to feed several people for several days. This guy's meat is going to go bad before he ever uses it unless that bedroom is actually a deep freezer.

I didn’t know how old Hanna was until she pulled out a business card (business card? What is she, a realtor?) with her number. My first impression was that she was 6 or something.

I think the story would have been more effective if instead of the voiceovers, Albert just told Hanna what was going on after he had her back in his apartment before he killed her. Sure it's monologging, but it builds a little more suspense as Hanna lies there, awaiting the inevitable.

Finally, there is one too many characters. My curiosity is why there is a second character. By his initial actions with Hanna, we know his intentions. If Hanna were to escape, even injured, it would provide a more satisfying conclusion, in my opinion, than essentially going through the script twice.

The basic plot, however, was clever and very creepy.

I know who this one is, too, I think.  I like your use of voice-overs here, and think they work just fine.  And I really like Albert's final words, that elevate the conlcusion of this story a little higher than it might have been otherwise.

(SPOILERS)

*  You should not type "mutilated corpses."  It's wrong.  For a "shock", you would type "MUTILATED CORPSES", in caps.  I don't think you are ever supposed to use bold.  Ever.  You do that a couple of times.
*  A nice action sequence with Hanna.  It moves along well.
*  Hmm.  What function is Sarah serving here?  What does she do that Hannah couldn't have already done herself?

For a guy who sits in the park all day, he seems to have a pretty nice apartment in the city.  Who knew serial killing was so lucrative?  I liked this story pretty good, but think it would have benefitted from a little more information about Albert.  This is clearly his story, but we do not find out enough about him for his character to really take root before his story is over.  But this is pretty good stuff for a weeks' work, I'd say.

I agree with most of the comments above, especially about using two characters instead of one.  The script would come across as being a lot tighter if it were just one character.  Besides, I think Albert's interactions with Hannah are a lot more interesting than they are with Sarah, anyway.  I thought at first that Sarah would take the story in a totally different direction, but I guess not.

That last VO line is really great though.  I like the voiceovers -- they add a certain 'classic' feeling to the whole thing.  Personally, though, I'd cut them down in the middle and just have them at the start and end.

Good work!

Sarah's last name..interesting.  I look forward to knowing who wrote this.  

Great work. The opening line of dialogue had me hooked. The voice overs in general are excellent, reminded me of American Psycho. Perhaps you overdid the gore a little, this would work fine with a few less bodies.

The story moves along quickly, it's well-paced and the action description is clear and well written. However, I did notice quite a lot of typos that need to be fished out.

I think this is actually my favourite script so far and I have no idea who wrote it. Albert's darkly comic dialogue is what made it for me. I thought he was a great character.

Good job, whoever you are

I found this script to be very lacking of suspense and, essewntially, more of a slasher short than gothic horror short.  I thought Albert was cliche and two dimensional.  His motive for killing seems to be the same as every other psycho killer's.  If wonder what a real killer's motiovation is for what they do?  And, if it's different than this, what they think of everyone writing the motivation used here.

I didn't like how Hanna, in her drunken and drugged state would notice one speck of blood.  The way you portrayed her, I was wondering if she might miss the toilet.

Two nights in a row (maybe more) blood curdling screams come from Albert's apartment (and the hallway) and none of his neighbors peek out their doors?

Finally, while Albert may have liked his dog, I didn't feel that he had a special bond with his dobie.  Ending the script with, "I'm a dog lover" didn't have any impact with me.


Sorry.


Phil

Yeah, this one is mine.

This story was born during my Math class. I was desperately trying to think of an idea when it hit me. “Cannibal”! Unfortunately I unconsciously blurted this out right in the middle of my teachers lecture.

After a few moments of awkward stares and some distant giggles, I started writing down my idea and that’s how Caribal Canis Lupus Familiaris, which roughly translates into Cannibal Dog.

Not bad for a few days work, if I say so myself.

P.S.
The name Keller is a complete coincidence; I have no subconscious desire to murder anyone on this board. lol.        

-Zavier

Did I mention this script was creepy? It was well done, and it kept me entertained. A psychopathic weirdo loves dogs. I never thought I'd hear of something like that.

It was good Zavier.

Thanks Jimbo for digging this one up, glad you enjoyed it.

-Zavier

It's a shame I didn't read this earlier.  Nice gorey shtuff here.

*There wasn't much suspense.  Maybe after Hanna exited there could have been something else involved, but instead you went to another girl which kind of shut down that possibility.
*I hated the ending.  I'll be honest.  A dog being hit by a car just doens't do it for me.  The murder of the driver and Albert's death were fine, but the dog's death was out of line.

But that aside I did enjoy this script very much.  I think you created some nice imagery here, especially with the corpses hanging in the master bedroom.  

So yes, a nice piece of work, a nice title.  I'm sorry I didn't get to it sooner.

Zavier, this is some wicked shit :D

I love stories like this, I liked Albert's V.O, especially when he was saying stuff like "Did I mention...."

A part of me(the sick evil person inside me), wished Albert would have gotten away with it, I dunno how, but I kinda like it sometimes when the bad guy wins.

anyways this was a great gross out script that also had a lot of laughs :D

Whoa, totally forgot about this one. I actually had to go through and read it again. It’s been awhile. Anyway, I’m glade you enjoyed it. Now that I think about it, this theme/ topic was probably my favorite out of all the writing exercises. Who knows, maybe we'll see Albert again.

-Zavier