Old Friends by George Willson - Drama - When a woman falls head over heels for the man of her dreams, she and her man must fend off the jealous and murderous rage of her sister. - pdf, format 8)

Just as a heads-up on the link. Since I keep all my stuff on Angelfire, Don can't link directly to the file. So the link actually goes to a message board where I keep all my stuff, and there is a link there to the script. Hope you like it.

Nice to see this one up, George.  Your WIP thread got me very curious about this one, and it turned out pretty well, too.  Got some thoughts for you on this one:  

(SPOILERS)


*  The opening scene seems a little stilted.  I understand you are trying to establish the situation quickly, but as I read this scene, I thought the dialogue was defeating your purpose.  Why not try this scene with less dialogue to help move it along -- in fact, I can envision this scene working very well with virtually no dialogue at all. There’s no need for all this discussion amongst the characters.   What if this swap has been prearranged -- agreed upon -- and these women are simply going through the motions of exchanging Donna with sad acceptance?  We’ll understand what is happening to Donna, I think, particularly when she begins to cry.  I think Anne should cry, too.  And anyway, your story fills in the specific details of what happened that day for us later.
*  The “cigarette kiss” is a nice touch.  It says a lot about these girls.  Not sure “bizarre” is the adjective I would choose here, though.
*  “Oh, look…here’s the tazer”.  It’s a detail that plops down like a big ol’ shoe.  Try to find a more subtle way to establish the presence of this item.
*  Typo on page 30.  Kelly says, “It’s only bee a week.”
*  Hmm…Tom has an interesting job, doesn’t he?
*  Don’t underline the dialogue on page 34.  We understand Kelly’s point just fine without that, I think.  Only the most moronic actress in the world would not understand what to stress here.
*  Typo on page 44.  Tom is driving a “sports couple.”  And he chats with Francine a bit too much.  Kind of a “yawn” scene here for me.
*  On page 50, who is this “Wendy” that Tom mentions?  Did I miss something?
*  Tom proposes?  I realize why this development is important in terms of the story, but that doesn’t mean that I can just “buy” it, you know?  A bit much, in my opinion.  At least, the way it plays out in this version.  I am not sure how to fix it, though.
*  Typo on page 76 (bottom):  “Tom cross from…”
*  On page 83, Tom says, “Her actions aren’t fair to either one of us.”  Master of the understatement, this Tom.  That line is too stiff, and really rubbed me wrong.
*  On page 87, wedding cakes aren’t cut with a knife.  They use some wussy kinda cake-cutting tool that isn’t very menacing at all.  Most people won’t care, though, probably.  Just saying.
*  Page 99:  Gosh, Tom seems pretty understanding when he talks to Mark.  Seems like Mark would be willing to let Donna go, and I can’t believe that Tom isn’t pushing for just that.  It seems unbelievable that he isn’t, in fact.  Story-wise, I think it makes more sense for Tom to be unaware that she works there.  Try having Donna discover Mark first, instead of the other way around.  There is more opportunity for suspense that way.
*  On page 111, I wouldn’t have Tom cry.  But that’s just me.
*  I don’t understand Francine’s function during the climax of this story.
*  And the very, very end – even though we are at 120 pages already, the final scene seems a bit abrupt.

For me, this story takes a little long to get rolling.  It’s not until page 80 or so that we get some actual bloodshed.  But that is just me, and I am pretty immature about that kind of stuff.  There are plenty of others that prefer the long, slow build-up you have here.  See what some other readers think about the pace before making big changes, I think.

I feel that I understand Tom and Kelly pretty well, but I get a strange sense of ambiguity from Donna.  Is there a sexual component to her behavior or not?  Your WIP thread said “no”, but I get a clear “yes” from many events in this story (pages 58/59 in particular), despite Donna’s vehement denials (and yours, for that matter).  It feels like you can’t quite make up your mind and are trying to have it “both ways” (haha).  Anyway, kidding aside, this is a large aspect of Donna’s character, driving virtually everything that happens in this story, so I think these questions demand a definitive answer if we are going to understand her as we should.

So, because I know that you can write pretty fast -- and that you don’t hyperventilate at the thought of rewrites – I will acknowledge this as a pretty solid initial draft.  I would call this “great” from some of the other writers around here, but for you – yeah, this still needs some tinkering.  I think you know that.

But for my two cents, it is not Tom and Kelly that really need to be brushed up.  I would really like to understand Donna a little more.  More sympathy for her?  Or more hatred?  Either way, you need to give us a little more on her, I think.

Thanks, Bert, for the comments. Helpful as always.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Yeah, when the tazer actually came out, I realized that it hadn't been setup anywhere else in the story just like the existence of Donna having a cell phone. That bit is definitely first draft material and needs fixing. Didn't realize I was so blunt about it. D'oh! I think we can just have Donna playing with it. Zap zap zap! Tha'ts enough to establish it.

Wussy cake-cutting tool...you're right. Most won't care, but it blows the reality. Ah, she'll bring her own implement, I guess.

Tom's job...hehe. You know how it is, go with what you know. I figured I hadn't used my job yet, so it was high time I brought i in somewhere. After all, I know it well.

Finally, Donna...hm, how to deal with her. I agree that she needs to be firmly established as either sympathetic or hated. I don't she a hateful character inasmuchas her life has dealt her some unfortunate blows and this is how she deals with them.

As I think I mentioned, Donna is based on a real person that I knew, and the situation in this script is something lifted from my life, mixed up, and made more dramatic. I dated "Kelly" for about a year and a half and "Donna's" antics were what drove us apart...so I guess you could say I was "Billy" but not quite. It was like "Kelly" wanted the relationship to continue, but "Donna" didn't because of her possessiveness. "Kelly" learned a few years after I was outof the picture via a diary what "Donna's" true feelings were, and she was completely wigged out. They were living in an apartment or dorm or something, and "Kelly" just left while "Donna" was out. Didn't give her a chance to say anything or stop her or nothing. Was "Donna" a true lesbian? No. Believe it or not, "Donna" called in to customer service and talked to me, of all people, about her cell phone account. I DID NOT let on who I was or that I knew her. What I did learn, however, was that "Donna" was engaged to some truck driver in a town about 20 miles south of me, meaning she was not truly gay. What she was, and what I had always suspected since she did indicate an interest in the male populace, was that she was in love with "Kelly" and would pursue a relationship with her, but unlikely any other woman. "Kelly" was all about them being sisters and trust and mutual friendship and that kind of thing. "Donna" was in a permanent possessive phase of romantic love. Now that I've written that out, you might be able to figure out the difficulty of portraying this type of personality and relationship on screen without it coming off totally wrong. Any thoughts?

Hey George,

I just wanted to let you know that I'm about 70 pages in on this, and I'm liking what you have so far.  To me, it's like a bizarre mix of 'Single White Female' and 'So I married an axe murderer'.  Very cool.  

Huge props on making Donna, IMHO, one of the most pathetic characters I have ever read.

Hey George, I'm gonna read this and give you some feedback once im done

SPOILERS

I just finished reading this, and all I can say is "wow". This was a really good script, despite the fact that I hate dramas, but this one was really suspenseful, and I actually wanted to keep on reading.

I hated Donna, and I think everyone was supposed to hate her. I did feel kind of sorry for her at the end though, but she deserved it anyways.The relationship between Donna and Kelly was a bit weird for me. Lol. With Donna liking Kelly like a lover and all. Eww

The most suspenseful scene I think was when Tom came home, and Donna broke into his house. I was like Don't cut it off! Tom punch her or something damn it. Lol. This was a really good drama/thriller/suspense. I would love to see it get produced into a movie.

Did you write any other scripts on here? Good job on this one. I like.

Mike, thanks for the props. Glad you like it so far. Hope you like how it turns out.

Blake, thanks for the read and comments. I'm sure Tom would have taken Donna down had he not been zapped ito submission, and as for production...I've queried, we'll see.

As for other stuff on this site, there is actually quite a bit. If you Click here, you'll find a list of stuff on a thread someone started some time ago to list what we've written. I've got internal and even some external links to what I've written from there.

Thanks again everyone!

Mr. Speedwriter just uploaded a revision that I hope fills out Donna's character a little more and makes her a little less ambiguous. While she will be inevitably ambiguous to some, I hope to at least get across the psychology of her outlook I presented in an earlier post.

George, I read this at work over the course of a few days so forgive me for not taking notes as I was reading.

My overall impession is that you're one of the more talented writers on this site. Frankly, I'm in awe of your ability to produce so much solid material in such a short space of time. You've obviously studied the craft and the plotting and structure of your work is testament to that.

I'll be honest in saying that I didn't particularly enjoy this script. I thoroughly enjoyed The Soul Keeper which I thought was original and well written. This, however, felt a little cliched and predictable.

Your formatting is excellent, your structure is excellent too. I feel bad criticising anyone who writes features since I seem incapable of completing one myself. I can't put my finger on exactly why I disliked this. It kept my attention well enough to finish reading, which is more than can be said for a lot of scripts on here. Your writing flows well, your descriptions are good. I thought the dialogue ranged from very good to kind of average. Sometimes you're a little 'on the nose'. One section that caught my attention was when Francine talks to Tom after Donna has been thrown out. She thanks him for what he's done and explains how she felt when she heard Donna and Kelly arguing the previous night. It all felt a bit unnecessary. Another example is in the final act when Kelly and Tom talk about security, the gun under her pillow etc... This turn in conversation came out of the blue a full two years after Donna was imprisoned. Again, when Tom talks to Donna at the call center, he's being far too nice. It just didn't ring true.

In general, I couldn't decide whether this was meant to be a melodrama or a psychological thriller. There are elements of both but (IMHO) not enough of either. There is suspense, but there is potential for much more.

The premise isn't too original and by page 30 I could predict almost exactly what would happen in the end. It's in the vein of 'Fatal Attraction' and The 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle' neither of which are movies I enjoyed so maybe that's a reason why I didn't love this script. However, I think you could learn from these films because I remember them being very suspenseful throughout.

Don't get me wrong. You're a talented writer and this is a movie I could imagine seeing on TV, but overall it's not my cup of tea.

By the way, I'm 30 pages in to Fempiror part one and so far I love it. I'll post a review when I'm done.

Thank Der Spieler. I always appreciate an honest review. I can definitely see where you're coming from on the dialogue. It's my last great hurdle in writing to get some decent dialogue. I'm getting better.

As for script feelings, I am getting the vibe not only from here, but other reviews that this script is a love it or hate it kind of story. I've pondered what throws it into such an odd position, and I figure it's probably Donna's character. We live in a society that loves toput labels on things and people and it helps our minds keep the black or white standard we hold so dear. Then you have people like Donna, and the inability to categorize her has made some people just torpedo the poor script.

I've seen Fatal Attraction, and I thought it was brilliant.

Hope you enjoy Fempiror.

George,

I finished this up, and I do agree that Donna is one of those characters that falls into a grey area, which I think makes for a more interesting one.

As far as story progression goes, I definitely saw the path that this one was taking, however that isn't a bad thing, since I think the execution was there.

I will agree with Martin on the pillow under the bed thing, as I think the excessive locks and precautions painted somewhat of a prisoner in their own home scenario, which, IMHO, is more effective than the protective husband.

I would have liked to have seen a little more of Billy in there as I think he could have been used somewhere near the end.

Good read, and I would recommend it to those who enjoy drama/suspense.

Mike