Scary Movie 5 by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Comedy - Cindy's back in action as she, Cody, Brenda, and her newest boyfriend battle to survive a zombie apocolypse while held up in an abandoned mall. While barricaded inside, each survivor seems to have their name on a certain list, and one by one, they begin to die in the order of the list as Death begins to stalk them. Featured spoofs: Dawn of the Dead, Jaws, Final Destination 3, and more. 102 pages - doc, format 8)

Before everyone reads this, I just want everyone to know that this is my first comedy script I have ever written. It may be dumb or stupid or not good, but I tried and I hope you understand. I'm mainly used to writing horror scripts, and I'm not really good with comedy, but I tried anyways, just to see how I would do.  :P

P.S> There are some parts I just randomly threw in there. Also, if you are wondering about SM4, they're making one right now.

I read the first ten pages of this and, truth to tell, can't see why you would call this a comedy.  I saw two jokes (and they weren't that funny).  This could pass for an actual horror story more than it could a comedy.

Please don't say that I should keep reading and that it will get better. I read fifteen percent of it.  Given how short this script is, I should've been hooked by page five.  There were many instances where you missed inserting a joke.  Each time someone mentioned the Tooth Fairy's wrinkly burned skin, you could've referred to Nancy Reagan or Joan Rivers or somebody.  This easily could've been a running gag.

As Michael Jackson was a joke in Scary Story 3, I don't see the point of you doing it, especially when it was funnier in 3.

Finally, your formatting somewhat off.  The biggest problem with it is the unnecessary spacing .  You don't need a space between the characters' names and their dialogue.  By eliminating these spaces, you'll probably shorten this script by twenty percent.


Phil

Um, before i read this...was there a scary movie 4 script somewere around here? i was just wondering because if they are connected it would be good to read that one first, as refrence. i know someone was working on one, what is the deal?


EDIT: started to read this and it started to get dumb real fast, i think a couple things in the beginging were a lil funny and the rest of the "comedy" was blah.

some spelling errors and like one pucutaion error is all i saw, yes format is off.

um, using Freddy Kurgers name it's self is not a good idea, fan script or not i don't think lil things like that can be done unless the script is about the character...could be wrong though.

the MJ thing is stupid.

I pretty much stopped reading at the freddy part, which IMO was way to far.

Quoted Text was there a scary movie 4 script somewere around here?

Yeah that was mine...despite the bad comments im still tempted to read thsi...for soem reason.

Who am I to make a critisim? I don't write scripts that good either. But, to me, I'd give the script 2 out of 10... just because I was picturing everything in my head... it was a good hour in a half script is fou picture a movie in your head when you read the scripts, but I didn't like it much because... I was trying to read this to learn better dialog but yours is the same as mine is. There were some funny parts in the movie. I see the michael jackson joke at the beginning. The only funny parts were in the beginning. But, I didn't like it when you made the tooth fairy talk. I just didn't like it too much. And before the beginning credits, it was good. After the SCARY MOVIE 5 started... I just didn't like it too much. But people, It is worth reading. It has its moments.

Okay I will try and revise the script and make it better. THanks for the comments and it really helped me on how to make this script better.

Once I am finished revising the script I will put it back up here.

........

This was as good as the other Scary Movie films, if not better. However, why was it Scary Movie 5, if there have been 3 films? Why not 4?

I am reading your script. I will have a review late today.

Shelby

Hey Sean! Read the script.

POSITIVES:

1. It had the Scary Movie style. Most people screw this up but it was the same...parody-like comedy that the others were.

2. The dialogue was good. What I mean is people try to make funny dialogue and it comes out stupid, your's worked.

3. You brought back Cody! He was my favorite character in SC3

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM:

1. Im not going to give you too much stuff over formatting. I just want to say you formatted exactly the way I did when I started. I still dont get formatting I just got screenwriting software *which is expensive so dont get it unless your really sure you need it*

2. Most of the jokes werent funny. They were the smile kind of funny. There were like 2 times i actually kind of giggled *the mom telling the son the dad threatened her with a shot gun was one*.

3. Pick a monster and stick with it! You had like 5 different monsters that killed people and it was confusing.

4. You had some typo's in it, please fix them!

5. Some jokes you would put in parenthesis (from the movie...) yes, we know that.

Over it was a damn good effort at a scary movie script but maube after two more drafts you will have it perfectly.

Apparently cody is in militairy camp now.  I don't know what you want to do about that.

Here are my thoughts on this one. I imagine a good portion of this script is using other films. Some are obvious, and some aren't. I know comedy, for the most part, is based on the person reading or watching it and not everything is funny to everyone. What you need to concentrate on when doing a comedy is to work out the drama first, so you have a good story. Then you twist it, so that the drama is a little on the outlandish side.

This script has a general theme running through it with the tooth fairy, but you used a host of other things to add to this central idea. Probably too many of them, in my opinion. I admit to having seen none of the Scary Movie films (though they are on my Netflix list), so the general form of those is currently unknown to me. But from a dramatic perspective, it's too much. You tried too hard to spoof these films you used. Some of them you did very well and I did crack up on multiple occasions. Others were just there and kind of pointless.

How to fix this? First, don't limit yourself to the films you spoof. Don't tell when you ar spoofing them. Work out the basic plot first, and then puzzle piece the films into the drama you've created. Use the scenes, and tweak them just enough to fit your own purposes.

I've only spoofed one film, and that was The Godfather. I left every scene intact and changed the names and some of the dialogue to fit the outlandish situation I placed it all in. But the idea was spawned from one situation in one scene that told me The Godfather was the movie I needed. There was a thread where Alfred Hitchcock asked Don about posting a novel. Don responded that he wouldn't do it and his format was screenplays. That thread was the basis for the entire spoof, because I saw the scene in The Godfather where Sollozzo was trying to get the Corleone family to deal in the drug business and Don Corleone refused.

Find your basis for the spoof and work around one film to begin with. Scary Movie began with Scream and everything else was added around that central film. From that humble beginning, add in other films that fit the plot and that you naturally think of. You have creativity as evidenced by some of the clever things you did with this, but you need to trust your instincts more and work less. Doing this will create a better spoof film and make it a lot funnier.

SimplyScripts links to tons of great screenplays. Cut and paste will be your friend. Good luck.

Wow, I read seven scripts today. Think I met my quota?

I started reading it today and stopped at page 15 I think, when Freddy Kruegar had Cindy. It wasn't really that funny. The beginning was ok and the bouger scene was good also but that was about it. I don't think Im going to continue reading it

Don't worry I'm rewriting it. Hopefully it will be better...

:B

Sean

Well right now I'm looking forward for your rewrite because I just saw Scary Movie 4 which was wicked funny and was thinking of reading your rewrite after so good luck with it.

When you say "you saw Scary Movie 4" do you mean the script or the new film?

I saw the movie the second day it was out!

Cool. I'm looking forward to seeing that. I know this doesn't have anything to do with Sean Elwood's script, but is it any good?

Sean's script or the new SM movie?

The new SM movie.

I've gotta ask, who is Sean Elwood? Is he a member here?

The new SM movie was greaT! Wicked funny!

Sean Ellwoood is a member I think. I know I saw him somewhere on these boards

Yeah I'm Sean right here. Haha Alien Man, most people misspell my name with two L's, but with three o's? That's new! ;)

Sean

I must of put three o's on accident.  So when are you kill ride because I want to read your rewrite on Scary Movie 5

I'm sort of almost finished with it, but I don't have a lot of time to work on it because of school and everything. Stupid World Geography has me tied up, but I think it's going to be finished around May or so.

Sean

I hate world geography also. I could wait until may or so.

I'm also looking foward to kill ride. The title sounds cool.

Alrighty then! I'm finished with both and I have sent them in. Enjoy this new and improved script, but beware, my comedy is weak, so yeah prepare to probably not get a "kick" out of this script...:B

Sean

Alright, thanks Don. The new and improved script is here. Hopefully, however, this one did better than my first...

Sean

Its not really that good

Another thing to think about when you re-writing it is to keep the jokes coming. In the previous scary movies there are little pauses in between jokes. And also a lot more talking. There's alot of action sequences and not much dialogue. And try to make the jokes a little more funnier.  

Quoted from robb_blaze014 Its not really that good

Why don't you try telling him why it's not that good?

OK, I read your original so i'll see your rewrite. I really liked the 1st one so i'll see how you changed it.

Quoted from robb_blaze014 Its not really that good

I agree with Rapture here. This board is supposed to help writers improve their work and make it a step above what it began, and as so, even according to THE RULES, feedback should be constructive. Saying this helps no one. You need to give him some more details as to why you feel this way. No one is criticising the way you feel about it. However, if you can give a little bit more about what led you to this comment, that'd be great.