Open Your Mind by Martin Lancaster (Der Spieler) - Short - A drug-dealer is released from prison into a world vastly different from the one he left behind. How far will people go to achieve the ultimate high? - pdf, format 8)

My goodness, this was a wild ride!  First I'd like to say that your descriptions of gore are superb and they're written in such a way that makes you squirm while reading.  

SPOILERS

*This script had it all; sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.
*Fearless, it vividly explains what's going on and isn't afraid to cut on the details.
*The Lex character was very well developed and the Wolfgang fellow really made this thing creepy.  After seeing the dent in his head...wow.
*The dialogue was sharp, but the Rufus character didn't live up to the others.  Lex and Wolfgang obviously had this surgery done to them and it showed physically and mentally, but what about Rufus?  Maybe because he had the hat on, but I think it would have been effective if there was some physical distinction which makes you go "whoa!"
*The surgery scene--beautiful.  It was disgusting and churning, but I loved it.

Overall this was a fantastic read.  This script has pretty much everything you could possibly want with the sex, gore, creepiness, trippiness, and a close-up surgery.  Great job!

Martin,


Nice script here.  You've got a nice little group of diverse characters, and the descriptions were excellent.

I noticed in your title page you have "PROLOGUE".  Will there be more to this script?  When I finished I wanted to read more, so if there is that would be great.



SPOILER

I was a little confused with Lex's "roadside service".  It seemed that she was just trying to get Brannon to trust her, but it's like there's something else there that I'm missing.  Am I?


Mike

Thanks fellas. I wasn't sure how this one would go down.

This is basically the opening pages of a feature I'm working on. I have three intertwining stories plotted out but it's taking some time to figure it all out.

Mike,

The 'roadside service' is there to show Lex's character and, yes, to gain Brannon's trust. The idea is that it's all part of the service and the message Rufus wants to give to Brannon... "I'll take care of your needs"

I'm wondering how the Brannon character came across? He just kind of goes along for the ride. Is he too passive? Is he likeable? Ultimately, I have him planned as a kind of anti-hero.

Hey Martin:  Don't you hate it when you finally get something posted and there is a great story sitting right next door in the very same batch of new stuff?  Brea's is a real grabber, and I hope yours doesn't get overlooked in the process, 'cause this is pretty good, too.

It does feel like the genesis of a larger story, given Wolfgang's final words -- and as such, although it is powerful stuff, it doesn't quite stand on its own yet.

(SPOILERS)

*  The poodle hat may be a little over the top.  Not for every story (it’s still a nice touch), but maybe for this story.
*  I read above about what you were going for with Lex and the "service" -- but it comes off as a little abrupt.  Some lead up (just a little) might make this work better.
*  You need to describe Wolfgang’s dent.  Where is it?  How deep?
*  While the suregery scene is cool, I am not sure that drilling a hole in one’s skull, in and of itself, makes for a "convincing" high.  Perhaps Wolfgang should place something into this hole as well, making it all the more disgusting and disturbing.  What he uses will depend on the tone of the larger story, which I don’t have a feel for yet.  For a straight-up drug story it could just be some kind of powder or something, but for a sci-fi kind of thing you could do just about anything.  Even some kind of animal, like a worm or something.  Whatever you use, make it repugnant, I think.  Anyway, give it some thought.

As to Brannon, specifically, he is not exactly passive, but he hasn't really flexed his muscles yet either.  It's too soon to tell how he is working.  But, if you want Brannon to be more sympathetic, I do have one thought for you.  Consider having him resist when Lex first injects him.  He can be, like, “No.  I kicked that in prison.”, and then Rufus can say something like, “I insist”.  Brannon seems too willing now, and if he resists, the scene that follows carries even more impact, I think.

It will be interesting to see where this goes if you carry it forward. You should start a WIP thread if you do. These are interesting characters so far.  Even Wolfgang, who is only around for a few seconds.  

Thanks Bert, insightful comments as always.

As for the hole in the head stuff, it is a semi-convincing high that gained some popularity in Europe during the 60s and 70s. Allegedely John Lennon considered having it done at one point and there have been recent cases of people attempting the operation themselves and dying in the process. Check out http://www.trepan.com or google "trepanation" if you wanna learn more.

That said, I also felt it wasn't enough to simply drill and you've touched upon where this story is heading. It's a little bit sci-fi but not too far-flung from reality. I'm really enjoying writing this which can only be a good thing.

Thanks for reading.

I'm looking forward to Starbuck Starr

This is based on something real???

Oh, I like it much better now.

Martin,

This was very strange. At first, it seemed like a typical guy-released-from-prison story. It succeeded, however, in carrying a foreboding sense until more was revealed.

And, wow, what a revelation.

You mentioned Brannon in an earlier post as to whether or not he was too passive. I thought maybe he was a little. The back story was laid out expertly but I didn’t feel I really knew Rick that well. Personally, I felt that the car scene with Lex was a prime opportunity for some character development and to further set the tone so to speak. I don’t know, though. I may be an over-developer.

Ultimately, the premise was definitely very original and stimulating. This may even be prophetic in some ways.

The surgical scenes were far more graphic than I personally would require for the effect. And they went on longer than I needed. But very effective. Absorbing, even, in a strange way. You obviously did your research. It’s kind of an eerie thought but it sounds as if you could maybe perform this surgery yourself…hmmm. Exactly how much research did you do?

Martin, you know how I know you’re a good writer? When I see something by you, I get excited because I know it will be new and different and well written.

Thanks Breanne,

I think I'm going to extend the scene in the car with Brannon and Lex to reveal more about his character. Sometimes I'm so eager to move things along that I skim over developing my characters which is why most of my first-draft features come up short.

I did quite a lot of research into this. I even watched a video of the operation- nasty, nasty stuff.
This is an idea I've been thinking about for some time. I find it fascinating that people actually drill holes in their head for recreational purposes. There's a book called 'Bore Hole' about the trepanning experience which I plan to read as soon as I track it down. I might even try the operation myself...

...just kidding.

Well, the feature length version of this script is now complete. Thanks to George for some excellent feedback along the way.

I'm pretty happy with the way it turned out. It's 115 pages. I'll probably sit on it for another week and tweak a few things before submitting. I've done a lot of rewriting along the way and I think it's fairly tight.

Not much has changed from the 17 pages posted here so if anyone wants to read a teaser, this is it.

I've had a lot of fun writing this, and I've disgusted myself many times over. It's bloody, but hopefully not mindless.

Look out for it on the unproduced page in the next couple of weeks.

Unproduced Script o' the Day!

If anyone's gonna read this, it's a nice introduction to my feature length script of the same name that can be found in the thriller section.

I'm looking for some reads on the feature version and I'm willing to trade reviews if anyone's up for it.

Yes, I know this is a shameless bump, and my third post in a row on this thread...

Hey Martin,

Took a look at this, I already read the feature length version(which is one of my favorite scripts on this site) but I still wanted to  take a look at this one.  

I don't know why you took the blow job scene outta the feature one, you have it here but it's absent from the other.

This is basically the same as the first 17 pages of the feature, minus the blow job and the opening is a little different, plus the flashbacks.

anyways this was still good and I'm glad you went feature length with it.

Thanks for the read, flyboy.

Yeah, there isn't much difference between this and the opening of the feature.

I thought long and hard about the BJ and eventually decided it didn't really fit with where I wanted to take the characters in the feature. However, I'm thinking about putting it back in the next draft. It might enhance Lex's arc, but then it might not....

I think you should put the BJ scene back in.  What I loved most about the feature version was it's dark and grittiness, it kinda reminded me of those crime films from the 70's.  I don't think it needs to be graphic or anything, but implying it I think would work as well.  Just a thought.  Still, even without it, it is a very good script.

nothing like a bunch of pot heads making scripts....pathetic

I hope he never sees Stoned Patriots or NiXon will have to explain his mind to us.

Do I have to play Therapist while Bert plays Janitor and find out why people are turning into a bad episode of Harry and The Henderson's?

Nothing like a bunch of morons lacking imagination.  Pathetic.

Psst Hey Greg, that comment can be seen as a personal attack and be against the rules. I know we have a lot of intolerable spam.

To further my earlier spam post (At least I admit when I do things) Harry and The Henderson's and what has been going on are alike in a few different ways.

1. Both are slow and harry.
2. Neither think before they do anything which brings us to chaos.
3. Neither have anything better to do.

Personally if Harry and The Henderson's was an R Rated film he would be shitting all over the place and much like the post that started this... it would stink.

I'm sorry to the writer of this short. We like you here at SS and The Moderators for better writing (Our organization for truth and justice... I made that up but it might catch on) but like always these posts will be deleted and my analysis of a classic TV show will be lost on the world.

Quoted from Joe Allen Barniak nothing like a bunch of pot heads making scripts....pathetic

What the hell is going on here tonight?

Joe -- this is the stupidist post I have ever seen -- rules be damned.

But I'm not gonna delete it because Martin will think it is funny.  He will.

Sorry, Steve.  I'll try my best to resist in the future :)

Anyway Martin, this was a great teaser to lead into the feature as I believe I've stated before.  The feature is a beauty of a read for anyone who hasn't done so yet.  

Hey look at this.  Open Your Mind is at the top of the shorts and thriller sections!  Don't see that everyday.

Quoted from Joe Allen Barniak nothing like a bunch of pot heads making scripts....pathetic

Hey, thanks for checking out my script and making misinformed assumptions about my character!

Since you kindly offered a constructive critique of my work, I feel obliged to return the favour.

"a bunch of pot heads making scripts"

The above statement is incorrect for two reasons:

Firstly, I wrote this script all by myself. I dunno where you got "bunch" from. Maybe you thought "Prologue" was my co-writer?

Secondly I'm not a pot head, although I'm not sure why that would have any bearing on reviewing a piece of fiction, or even why you'd jump to such a rash assumption. By your logic I'm also a vampire, a hit man, a serial killer, a detective, a ghostly apparition of a dog, and a paedophile as well as a dozen other characters portrayed in my stories. Gee, maybe it's you who should be laying off the whacky baccy.

Anyway, your statement was pretty short so I thought I'd hunt out one of your scripts and provide you with a little more feedback.

I cracked open "Who is Jack Leever" -- that's right, no question mark. Already, you're creating intrigue which is a good sign.

On the first page you provide us with the following warning:

A GREEN background with WHITE letters centers the screen.  The white letters contain the following:
THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR ALL AUDIENCES BY THE MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA THE FILM ADVERTISED HAS BEEN RATED PG-13 PARENTS STRONGLY CAUTIONED SOME MATERIAL MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 13 FOR INFORMATION ON FILM RATINGS GO TO http://WWW. FILMRATINGS.COM  

I'm really glad you put this up front. There was me thinking I was about to read a screenplay, turns out it's a frickin' movie! That's awesome, but for some reason I couldn't get it to play. Maybe it's my drug-addled brain that prevents me from figuring it out. I decided to read a few pages of your script instead.

My favourite part was this:

"EXT.  DEPECHE MODE CONCERT- DAY                

FLY DOWN FROM A BIRDS EYE VIEW:
A GREEN 1984 TOYOTA CAR drives out of frame."

There's a frickin' Toyota on the stage??? That's one kick-ass concert. Seriously. I can't wait to see how you'll get Depeche Mode to appear in your thirty page short, but I heard you're a director so I'm sure you can make it happen.

Then I saw this:

"PAM is making out with FRAT BOY 1 and walks to his GRAY CAR, it�s apparent they�re going to have sex. DAN is breakdancing with HARVEY and GREGG watching, he gets up and puffs some weed. "

Uh oh... you told me this was PG-13. I dunno if I'm ready for such flagrant sexual references and drug abuse. I'd better stop reading and head over to filmratings.com to file a complaint.

hey excellent stuff.  wonderful to find a reference to trepanning, pretty obscure stuff.  I really enjoyed the prologue but i cant seem to find the full length, but ill keep looking.

since the blowjob seems to be a pivotal issue in your work, my two cents: I would keep it in, just foreshadow a bit with lex's manner of dress/acting that she's the kind of girl that would do those kind of favors for an employer.  I like how it keeps the reader/watcher off kilter in the beginning, plus it adds depth to a girl who can go from that to prepping for a surgery a few minutes later.  

Anyways, loved the idea, hopefully ill find the full length and check it out.

Wow, it’s weird reading a review I posted so long ago.

Quoted from jackx …loved the idea, hopefully ill find the full length and check it out.

You won’t find it here right now. It’s been removed by the author. I don’t believe there are any features from this author here right now. There may still be some shorts. I highly recommend reading them. Martin Lancaster is one of the best.

I recommend The Universe Explained? if you can find it.


Breanne