One Last Fix by Mike Shelton - Short, Drama - If you can't trust a heroin addict, who can you trust? 33 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey everyone,


I wrote this last weekend to try something a little different.    Hope you enjoy it.


Mike

Waaaaay to much cursing in that first scene. Kinda makes it hard to understand what's going on cause' most people will concentrate on the fucks and shits. I will keep reading though...

SPOILER SPACE

*Hundred proof special-classy name, but if Virgil and his boys are beating Franco, I don't think Duane is in position to question what it is.
*The grilled cheese sandwich bit was out of line.  That was something that would work nicely in a comedy, but this sort of thing needs comic relief that doesn't go in that direction.
*The iron burning scene-fantastic, it's always nice to have some burning flesh in a script, but you didn't write any description of Franco until after Virgil burned Duane.
*You should have added some more when Lucius got shot, man!  It's just "gun to head, Lucius falls down."  Need some more meat in there.
*Lucius dies, Virgil apologizes to Duane, and he says "don't worry about it?"  Just a few pages earlier he was trying to hide his brother...
*The last 4 pages were the best part of this script.  Smooth dialogue and a sharp sequence.  The hot sauce...man that's just a horrifying thought.  And you clearly explain it through the internal third degree burns--great shtuff.
*Virgil's character has a sophisticated strangeness to him which worked out pretty nicely.
*Duane reminded me of Seth from "American History X," the hardcore kind of guy who's a complete idiot.  I don't know if that's what you were aiming for, but that's what it came out as.

Overall it was a nice read and breezed by.  I wasn't troubled by the cussing, because I've never actually seen a drug dealer who didn't use excessive language.  Anyway, nice work!

Quoted from greg SPOILER SPACE *Lucius dies, Virgil apologizes to Duane, and he says "don't worry about it?"  Just a few pages earlier he was trying to hide his brother...

Yeah I really went back and forth with leaving this in.  It's more or less supposed to imply that Duane is such a junkie, that even though his brother is dead, he's got his junk and all is right with the world.

I think the grilled cheese thing proves I'm incapable of writing something without going for a laugh somewhere.  Ha Ha.

I'm still working on this one a little bit, and I'll post revisions as they come.

Thanks for the feedback.

Mike,

I enjoyed this one but you're right about comedy creeping into your work. That's not a bad thing though. I think you have a flair for comedic dialogue and situations and it's always best to play to your strengths.

I was reminded of Pulp Fiction in that your dialogue free-flowing and funny, your characters are drug addicts and there is a fair bit of violence.

I think you can afford to be a little more descriptive at times, especially when Lucius gets shot. I also found his brother's reaction a bit strange.

I loved the torture scenes, especially the hot sauce. Man, that's gotta burn.

One problem I had is that there's nobody to really root for. Your characters are entertaining but there wasn't any real reason for us to care what happened to Franco. I realize you're portraying lowlifes here but it'd be nice if Franco had some kind of exterior goal that we could relate to. Is he stealing the drugs for any reason other than greed?

Anyways, I enjoyed it, especially the interaction between the characters.

Quoted from Martin Mike, One problem I had is that there's nobody to really root for. Your characters are entertaining but there wasn't any real reason for us to care what happened to Franco. I realize you're portraying lowlifes here but it'd be nice if Franco had some kind of exterior goal that we could relate to. Is he stealing the drugs for any reason other than greed?

Yeah, I kinda did this on purpose.  Franco is the main character, but I didn't want him to be too likeable, since I wanted Virgil's appereance and the things that he does to be that much more entertaining.  The only shred of goodness in Franco is in his "look to the sky".

I really do need to work on my descriptions.

As always, thanks for the input.

Mike

It was a good script. I really really enjoyed this script. For a few reasons. But then there was some things I disliked... (Rolls Up Sleeves)

LIKES
I like all your characters, and you can imagine things from their backround. Like who they are and what they are.
The dialogue between each person flowed perfectly, and everything seemed to fit in just right. Even though they swore every sentence; which can get distracting. Great dialogue
And suspenseful...

DISLIKES
I don't like how Duane goes from... "You killed my brother!" to... "Oh, it's okay." It didn't seem to make sense.
I'm not trying to be rude but you can see every single event coming before it's happened. Right when I read the dialogue between the latino and the heroin addict you know it is going to be a drug misunderstanding or something like that.
Can you tell me about that air in the needle. I'm confused... They took powder and made it into air...

OVERALL
This was a great script. (Roll sleeves down) Continue writing shorts like this one.

4/5

Brian,

Thanks for the feedback.  Basically, the whole thing with Duane is to show how much of a junkie he really is.  He's angry that his brother is dead, but once Virgil gives him the drugs he may as well be his best friend.

The air in the needle is just air.  There never was powder.  Next time you happen to catch a show like ER on tv watch how they squeeze the needle first to make sure they got all of the air out, because frankly air is VERY bad in the bloodstream.

I'm working on something else right now, and it should be posted soon.

Thanks again,

Mike

Hey. Enjoyed the script. Especially the dialouge. Very true to life stuff. You should definitly keep up the good work.

Anth

So, this one is a real departure from your straight-up comedy stuff, isn't it?  This is pretty good -- not my favorite of yours, as it could be better -- but still good.

I have read through the previous posts, and echo a few of their comments.  And what's up with Greg stealing my "star-point" review format.  Hmm.  Might have to have a few words with that boy...

(SPOILERS)

*  The grilled cheese is fine.  By all means, keep it, but with some modification.  As you have it now, the sandwich is done, like, instantly, and we have no idea how he has cooked it.  Describe him pressing the sandwich (that's how I saw it), and cooking it throughout the scene.  There is no reason it has to be done within seconds.  Stretch it out.
*  I did find the singing Mob Boss a little o'er the top, though.  It seemed out of character, and you picked the wrong lyrics, anyway.  If you want to keep this, it seems obvious that it should play out like this:  "Fish don't fry in the kitchen..." (one leg -- Ssss.....), "...beans don't burn on the grill" (and the other leg -- Sssss.....).  How's that  :) ?
*  "Duane Train.  Woo woo."  That's beautiful.  You really have a way with dialogue that makes it look so easy.  Makes me jealous, actually.
*  I found it odd that Lenny would know right away what "triple x" meant.  The first thing that sprang to mind for me was porno.  I mean, surely that's not just me, right...?

So, at the end, I am in complete agreement with previous posters that we need a central hero in this story.  We don't have to like him, but the things going on in this story carry less punch if we don't really care about him.  I think what you got from D.S., about giving him some reason that he must have this money, something humanizing and sympathetic, is just what this story needs.  

Hey Bert,

Thanks a bunch for taking a look at this, and for the feedback as well.

Quoted from bert *  The grilled cheese is fine.  By all means, keep it, but with some modification.  As you have it now, the sandwich is done, like, instantly, and we have no idea how he has cooked it.  Describe him pressing the sandwich (that's how I saw it), and cooking it throughout the scene.  There is no reason it has to be done within seconds.  Stretch it out.

When I originally conceived this, Duane wasn't supposed to come into the room and use the iron on his cheese sandwich until AFTER it was used on Franco.  I ended up thinking that may be a little too disgusting though.

Quoted from bert *  I did find the singing Mob Boss a little o'er the top, though.  It seemed out of character, and you picked the wrong lyrics, anyway.  If you want to keep this, it seems obvious that it should play out like this:  "Fish don't fry in the kitchen..." (one leg -- Ssss.....), "...beans don't burn on the grill" (and the other leg -- Sssss.....).  How's that  :) ?

I can't believe I completely missed that!  You're idea is so much better than mine.  Going forward, I will sing the entire song before committing to anything.

Quoted from bert *  "Duane Train.  Woo woo."  That's beautiful.  You really have a way with dialogue that makes it look so easy.  Makes me jealous, actually.

I think I need to collaborate with a descriptive writer.  I truly enjoy writing dialogue, but my descriptions are always, always, always lacking.

Quoted from bert *  I found it odd that Lenny would know right away what "triple x" meant.  The first thing that sprang to mind for me was porno.  I mean, surely that's not just me, right...?

Really?  I tried to make it seem like Lenny spends a great deal of time at Franco's, so he woul dknow what's in the fridge.

Quoted from bert *  So, at the end, I am in complete agreement with previous posters that we need a central hero in this story.  We don't have to like him, but the things going on in this story carry less punch if we don't really care about him.  I think what you got from D.S., about giving him some reason that he must have this money, something humanizing and sympathetic, is just what this story needs.

Yeah, that makes sense.  I actually turned in another short a few days ago called 'High Stakes'.  I tried to give the central character a little backstory/purpose, so hopefully I can keep learning from my mistakes, and applying them to future works.

Thanks again,

Mike

Sorry it took me so long, I'm slow with reviews. Some spoilers within because I always have to give away things just for those people who don't listen when others say spoilers.






Two men sit a table in the center of the room breaking up large bags of heroin into smaller bags. – at a table.

The descriptions in this scene are wrong; you need to capitalize character names when they first arrive. Also Lenny needs to be the same.

What kind of research did you do here, I mean really or did you just slap it together based on television stereotypes? Just a simple question.

You said the N word, the one word that I dare not to speak. Wow that was a long build up but somehow I seen it coming and since you put it into the mouth of a Rican it lessens the blow if you will.

Okay wait a minute; they use a silencer for the gun but nothing to keep Franco from screaming really loud? That seems to defeat the point I think. Why don’t you have Virgil turn on the song you mentioned or something so that one of the two events don’t seem pointless. Later on our "hero" of the story says he doesn't want Duane to scream because somebody might hear which is pointless unless that earlier scene is edited.

Could someone realistically speaking really talk or in a rational manner after the trauma he encounters? They’d be screaming for days and crying in pain, not say I just wanted out of this life.

You must have taken influence from the film Empire, good film and really gritty at times. Like if Scarface was to live he’d want out of the business eventually.

It’s gonna give Duane his one last fix. – The pay off and I hate it ha-ha. Take out his and it has more of a pop or after the first sentence just have him say One Last Fix. You don’t need the rest of the dialogue for it to work.

It’s a page turner that you should adapt into a full length script or do a full length script like this with a larger story. You could even sell a full length version if you can duplicate the experience.

Very few problems to speak of, well written and an enjoyable overall read. Well done.

Hey Mike, may I say bravo sir, bravo. This script pleased me, and tickled me with laughter at a few parts. Especially the druggie which absolutely cracked me up. Anyways, here is my review.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

So, Duane is pretty hilarious. I think the dialogue between him and Franco is great and flows nicely just like it should. When the Virgil guy comes in with his henchman the dialogue kept moving.

You've got great descriptions, that were playing the script in my mind as I read. Not too many scripts can do that.

The torture scene was gruesomely cool, and I was shivering at the thought of the pain he was going through at that time, and yet he still kept himself calm throughout the whole thing.

One thing I didn't like was how Luscious walks in and gets shot without saying too much, and we don't get too much back round on him either. I don't think even an addict would kill their own brother for just one hit. Despite how high he could've been or how much he needed a fix it still doesn't matter. I'm not sure what it is like to be a druggie though.

I like your ending as well as everything else except Luscious' death.

Thank you for providing a great short script Mike.

Jimbo

Mike I read as I drinking a vodka then I don't sure what makes me drunk whether was the vodka or you story format! Man what happened with it?! Was It  an old script that you pick up to show the guy that was looking for a script then why it wasn't properly formated? The paragraphs, gosh!

So, ther are good lines on it anyway: "He puts his sandwich flat on the table, pick up the iron and begins pressing it down on the sandwich - The sandwich sizzles as it cooks." best scene for me!

one more good work from you!

PS: Dictionary to me please! "mullingjeans" -muthafucka'" fuckin'" Do all this means f*****ng in Polish?

Quoted from Helio "He puts his sandwich flat on the table, pick up the iron and begins pressing it down on the sandwich - The sandwich sizzles as it cooks."

Sing A Song of Six Pants?

Wes and Jimbo,

Thanks for the feedback.  When I first submitted this way back when, I wasn't sure how most people would react to it, since a lot of what I write tends to be on the comical side.  I guess even this has it's moments in dialogue, despite the subject matter.

Anyway, thanks for looking it over, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Helio,

Yeah, this was written while I was still learning how to chop up descriptions, so some of them are a bit chunky.


Mullinjean is Italian for eggplant, and is a racial slur for a black person.

Ok, I think this is the first time I've posted, saying what something meant in a foreign language, and was actually serious.  :)


Thanks for the reads guys.

I thought it flowed quite well. However, I thought Lenny went from being a pot smoker, who wanted to steer clear of anything heavy, to an accessory to murder a little too easily. He could have helped "off" Duane, but only if his hand was forced. Perhaps he could walk in while Franco and Duanne are grappling on the floor and then somehow be put in a kill or be killed situation. I also think Virgil the middle aged Crime Boss with his two henchmen was a bit of a stereotype. I think you need to think outside the square a bit more for him. Perhaps he could be a 14 y/o kid, flanked by henchmen and he could be one of the big dealer's lieutenants. It could be like "City of God" American style. Anyway, it's a good start, but I'm sure you could make it even better. Good luck.  

Wow! Nice work, Mike.

From the logline, I was expecting some kind of stoner comedy or something but it turned out to be a pretty serious crime drama. There were a few amusing moments (Duane ironing his sandwich for one) but for the most part, it felt pretty straightforward. There was some good substance in this as well. A drug dealer trying to get out of the business was a concept that really intrigued me.

A few things...

1. pg. 2 - A minor spelling error. "Good samaritan but." I think you mean "bit."

2. Does Virgil really need to tell Tony and Casmir to punch Franco in the face? I think it'd work better if he simply said their names and, in turn, have them know exactly what to do.

3. Franco's a tad passive during some instances of his interrogation. For the most part, his dialogue is good but there're a few "yeahs" and "whats" that could be expanded into actual lines. I think that'd enhance the scene a little more.

4. Can a bottle of that hot sauce really kill someone? This is more of a question than a suggestion for improvement. Really. I've never heard of this before.

All in all, one of the best shorts I've read on here. Seriously. I was reminded of True Romance a few times (especially since one of the characters was named Virgil) but, for the most part, you made it your own. Good job.

James,

Thanks for the read and the feedback.

Yes, there are certain hot sauces that could completely burn a person's insides out or cause them to go into cardiac arrest should they not use them properly.  Kinda messed up isnt it?

Hey, it's a study in how many ways we can make people suffer, but it's kind of fun. The plot is decent and clever with a neat little twist even, so you constructed that just fine. I don't even think you have any holes in it anywhere that I noticed reading it through once. The dialogue's harsh, but it fits the characters pretty well, and you've even got your characters each talking a bit different. You definitely know what you're doing in the dialogue department.

The characters are the big downfall here. You do a decent job of constructing them, but when it comes to actually caring, their situations are not ones that warrant much concern. Most of the flinch moments are just human nature as opposed to concern for the character. Even with Duane getting his last fix, we're kind of like, "That sucks" but that's really it. Franco is probably the best of them all because he is thinking outside the boundaries of the story. He is looking forward to a future that we won't see, but since it is a nobler future than he has now, we want him to have it. This gives him a sympathy card since we would want him out of the unfortunate situation. Duane comes close, but really Virgil does the thinking for him. The others are 2-D cardboard cutouts with only stereotypes in their characterization.

You've got a good plot and some good dialogue. With a little more rounding in the character department, this could bump up a notch in quality.

Hey Mike, this was pretty cool.

First you need to capitalize your character's when they are introduced, but I'm pretty sure you know that.

Second, when you do heroin you need a spoon and a lighter or bunsen burner, something to liquefy it.

third, Lenny says he doesn't wanna do heroin cause he hates needles, I think most drug users know that you can also lace a joint with it, no needles needed(don't ask me how I know that).

Fourth, I don't know who refers to pot as "the smoke"

Fifth, you seem to capitalize people in the Dialogue.

Sixth, I love the cheese sandwich bit :D

seventh,

                                                    "VIRGIL
I’m not talkin’ about that gangster shit.  I’m talking about real, honest to goodness music."

That line didn't work, sounded kinda off.  Then it went into the pulp fiction thing about the Beatles and Elvis, maybe a different comparaison would work better.

Eighth, I loved the burning crucifix part.

ninth, I didn't get the ed Norton sewer line, is that from the honeymooners or the actor?

Tenth

                                                 LENNY
See?  I told you.  Scarface.  You got the dead guy, the O-D’ed guy, and whatever the fuck happened to you.  All you need is some crazy Italian guy with coke all over his face and somebody in the shower with a chainsaw stuck in their fuckin’ head.

I think they were Cuban, or at least Latinos, I know they weren't Italian.

i did really like this though, I dunno if this is something you plan on re writing or not, I think it has potential, just needs to be tightened up a little.

I did like Franco, maybe if you made him a bit more darker, I think it would work better.

The dialogue has the Mike Shelton touch.  Most of it was very good other than the area's I mentioned.

Good job :)

Mike

I read your script this morning and wondered why you haven't written a new draft on this as there are a lot of good things going on in here.

It’s actually a decent story, there is a setup, a mentor/helper, an antagonist and a protagonist. There's also a decent ending.

Other reviewers are right dialogue is your strong point but I'd prefer to see you write your dialogue without the 'ya's" in there and such. I can what you're aiming for but it doesn't work for me. I prefer reading dialogue written the regular way and my mind usually fits the dialogue to the described character anyway. Just something to try when you perform a re-write on this.

Other reviewers are correct, I feel no sympathy for any of the characters and I feel there is no through-lines or ambitions for a future beyond this story. If you can conceive a future for your characters when the story ends then at least you can write with this in mind. Sure two of the characters die but the characters themselves weren't to know that and I bet they had ambitions even if this was only their next score. We all know what a backstory is and we all try and give our characters a backstory but if you can give them a future story of where they intend on going after the story ends then this will give you some meat to put on the bones for those characters so they have a goal. The main goal is Franco wants to get out of the low-end drug-dealing business so you should use that more as a through-line for his character. This is his complete motivation and should also be in his dialogue when interacting with all the other characters he speaks to. This can even be the conflict between the other characters who either doubt his intensions or can imply he is going to fail. The whole story hinges on this through-line..

So for example, Franco acquires the stash of drugs and hopes to make one last series of deals but in the process make a ton of money so he can get out of the business and move away. Unbeknown to him it doesn't work out this way because he's ratted out by a low-life addict and the dealer higher up the rung comes visiting and decides to punish him for ripping him off. Everything plays out as before but at the end, rather than leaving with all the money he expected to make selling the drugs, he only makes it out with his life. This is the reversal, he doesn't get the money to make a new life, he gets his life and any new start is up to him from this point on.

I'd like to see your descriptions of action broken up into more manageable lines which would communicate shots. As it stands the action is all bunched together and this is confusing and spoils the read in my opinion.

You could also work on your descriptions some more, be a little more creative like you are with your dialogue. Some of your descriptions come across as throw-away or forced just to have some text in there. Have fun with it, enjoy writing the descriptions as much as you do with the dialogue because you are describing how your characters act and react in these scenarios you've set them in. The idea is to paint pictures using words so these illuminate for us the reader.. I think you can do a lot better..

I'd like to see this script written in a proper script formatting software package I'm sure it would look and read that much better. As it stands in a Microsoft Word document it doesn't do this script any justice.

Another problem nobody has mentioned in their reviews is you only have three scenes in this script and this makes the script a little static for me. You could find solutions to this by cutting between rooms. The Studio Apartment and Kitchen are a good example but you could also cut inside the hallway which would give you another location for a scene. I'd like to see how you expand on this to break up the scenes a bit more so as to provide movement and pace to the proceedings at the moment your script reads like a stage play. The more cross-cutting you put in your script with additional scenes set away from the apartment the more like a film it will look. This is my opinion anyway.

There's a lot going for this script and if this was your first draft then its pretty good. I'd like to see you develop this script some more. Go further with it, develop your characters more, improve your dialogue, think about through-lines and how these affect action and dialogue, the narrative and any subplots. I'd also like to see more scenes cross-cut between each other to provide more movement within the piece. I'd also like to see how you thread the through-lines to the plot, how this would be reflected in the reversal and the actual end. You're nearly there and with a little work this script could be top notch..

One last thing, I'd remove any reference to other movies as this doesn’t work in your script. Instead, try and find your own stuff for the dialogue. You don't have to stray away from your current ideas because these are great. There is some great black humor in this piece, in fact this is the beauty of this script. With a little more work you can craft a damn good script here Something to be really proud of..

Love to read your next draft if you decide to continue with this...

Kevan

Hey Guys,

Thanks for the reads.  I'll go into a more detailed response later in the day when I have time, but I figured I'd respond just a little for now.

Jordan,

A lot of the technical probs have been fixed in subsequent drafts, such as the names being capitalized and what not.

Kevan,

No new draft posted because this has since been filmed and is currently in post.  There were some revisions done, but I sent them straight to the filmmaker.

Hey, Mike,

   It's probably been awhile since you've even thought about this story, and I see that you've had it filmed since you posted it, so I'll just tell you what I thought about the story.

   I'm kind of ticked off, because as I was reading it, I made a note in my head to mention that it slightly reminded me of True Romance, then I saw somebody else already commented on that.  It's not that it's like True Romance, it just has a few of the same nuances, (from the time you introduced him into the story, I pictured Gandolfini as Virgil).

   And I definately liked the burning iron against the flesh (you've pleased my gory side.)  Honestly, I think you could've gotten away with Duane cooking his sandwich even after Franco's flesh had already been burned onto the iron.  He was such a f*ck up, he probably would've forgotten or just not noticed it anyway.  Also, for the rest of the script, I couldn't get the image of Johnny Depp ironing grilled cheese sandwiches (the ending of 'Benny & Joon'), out of my head.

   Another enjoyable story.

   -Mark

Mark,

Thanks for the feedback.  Yeah, this one was filmed, but I'm yet to see the finished dvd.  May have to give him a call again soon.  I do know that he ended up changing the ending though in order to shorten it up, so I do have plans to fix some things up and go back to pitching it in the hopes that someone will stay closer to the script.

I do remember someone mentioning the True Romance comparison, and I didn't even think about it as I was writing it.  The only thing I had to go on was a guy being burnt with an iron (which did actually happen to someone) and I built the rest of the story around that.

Mike,
I know this has already been filmed but read it and thought I'd give you a little feedback.

I liked it. It was right up my alley. Nice tale about dark deeds and their consequences. I thought the exchange between Duane and Virgil was perfect. Loved it. The best part of the story. One thing I didn't like was the ending. I didn't think Duane deserved for anything good to happen to him. He was a drug dealer. Not much sympathy for a drug dealer... unless you give us something to be sympathetic about. I think if you would have set this up somehow. Give him a reason to deserve to have something good happen to him. As it is I wouldn't have minded if he were tortured killed.

Besides this point I thought the story, though simple, was played out well. Good job.

Joseph

Joe,

Thanks for the read.  It's always funny for me to pop open some of these older scripts and look at them, especially the way they're formatted (no title page, uploaded in word, chunky descriptions).

I agree that it's hard to sympathize with a thieving drug dealer, and the only thing I could com eup with was that he wanted to stop doing it, and that he has a little sense of religion (his cross, looking to the sky).

Like I said in my last post, I'm still yet to see a finished copy of this, and I think I'm officially pissed off.  Might be time for a phone call.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted Text the only thing I could com eup with was that he wanted to stop doing it, and that he has a little sense of religion (his cross, looking to the sky).

I saw that direction you were taking but it wasn't enough. The idea is there, I would just make his desire more apparent. He needs to be desperate enough to want to get out that he rolls over a drug boss.

You may have to whoop some arse to get your copy. Put it up on SS when you get it, if you can.

Ok, seeing as this is 34 pages long and knowing that Mike Shelton is a veteran, I will ignore spelling and format issues and completely and utterly focus on the story, characters and twists. I do wish you'd take the bother to convert it into a PDF file before submitting, it only takes a few mouse clicks. Hope you have a page turner here, Mike.

Ok, I know I said I wouldn't comment on it but I have to ask, Mike, why don't you have a title page?, action paragraphs aren't supposed to be longer than 5 lines, I think you know this, and when a character is introduced their name is supposed to be in upper case... Why haven't you done this? It was posted some time ago though, maybe you didn't know this back then...

I just read the first 9 pages. I'm hugely impressed with your writing. I read 9 pages without even noticing and I never got bored, it never felt rushed or forced, it read easier than most scripts on here. In fact, it DID read easier than the scripts I've read on here. You have real talent in this, must say. I'm intruiged to see what happens next.

[I will hand it to you though, your dialouge, although mostly good, doesn't flow as well as it could.]

HAH!:D An Elvis man or a Beatles man! You and me Mike, we have the same taste, I'm really enjoying this script. Great nod to the deleted Pulp Fiction scene.

By the way, I'm a Beatles man myself. What are you?

I'm currently on page 26 and I'm loving every single moment of it. This is exactly the genre I like to read, I like to watch in the movies and I like to write myself, I am definately going to check out more of your scripts, Mike. Your dialouge and characters is 100% fluid, I have nothing to complain about. It's like reading a Quentin Tarantino first draft screenplay. Heavenly.:)

Absolutely 100% pure gold man, trust me, it takes a lot to impress me like this and you've just done it, I loved the characters, the dialouge, the one room-setting, everything. Just magnifizent.

One question though, how do Franco and Lenny expect to explain to the police the quite obviously tortured and brutally murdered mr. Duane?

Daniel,  thanks for the read...glad you enjoyed it.

Most, if not all of the formatting issues you've brought up I don't do anymore.  This script is really old school for me, probably one of the first shorts I wrote.  My old software package was a pain in the ass when it came to adding title pages and genrating pdfs, so I usually didn't do it.  I do now.

I listen to both, but I'm probably more of an Elvis man anymore.

The torture explanation was that Lucius and Duane were burglars.

Thanks again.

Glad to hear it :) How old are you by the way? Just so that I don't feel small for knowing that my first shorts sucked ***** ***** compared to this.


Yeah, they were burgulars but like... Does that mean they'll get away with torture and murder?

I'll be 28 on August 11th.  I was a few months past 26 when I wrote this, and had only just gotten back into writing after writing my first script about three years earlier.

As far as them getting caught, it's one of those unknown things.  I did try to mention the logic in it at one point with Franco when he asks what he's supposed to tell the people at the hospital though.

Since it's in the portal, I figured I;d post what I have of this.  It's a scene near the end.  I'll keep everyone informed if I ever get to see the rest of it.

Very good! vey well done, I dind't like the lighting much though, it's not really what I would have expected from a mafia film.

Looks great, Mike. I really wanna see the rest of it now. I actually like the low key lighting and I think it works well for this scene. Looks like they found some solid actors, too,  and it's nice to finally hear some of that Shelton-brand dialogue come to life on screen.

Good stuff.

I know how you feel.  I'd really like to see the rest of this myself.

Yeah, the actors did a good job.  The guy playing Franco was actually the director, but he does some acting too.

I did see a clip of the first scene with Franco and Duane, and that dialogue was spoken EXACTLY as I had written it.  This one, not so much.  The general theme was there, but a lot of ad-libbing was going on.

Hey Mike,

I saw this script up in the shorts section and I thought I would take a gander since I usually love your work.  Let me tell you, you definitely did something different and it worked out brilliantly.

I thought the characterization of Franco was excellent.  I really felt for the guy.  He seemed like a good person, even though he was caught up in a horrible business that put him around a lot of dangerous people.  He really had hopes and dreams outside of getting more money and drugs, like most sellers seem to have.

-- The grilled cheese scene got me too.  I don't think it was too out there where it just halted the scene, but it did seem outlandish with him using the iron on it.  You could have just had Duane walk out of the kitchen with a sandwich he just cooked and maybe burn his mouth when he takes a bite.  It would still have that comedic element without stretching too far out there.
-- I really don't see the theory of telling the cops that Duane and Lucius were burglars.  Maybe Lucius being shot would fly but would the cops really believe that they tortured Duane because he was a burglar?

All in all, excellent read.  You never cease to amaze me.

Jonathan Terry

From what I've been able to gather this scene has been cut, but it's the first thing I received that had my name in the credits, so I figured what the heck.

New draft up.


Went through to tighten things up a little bit and hopefully make it cleaner to read.


EDIT:  Thanks Jonathan, for your previous comments.  I missed them before when I posted the link.

Hey Mike,

I don't know how I missed this one before, but I'm glad I got to read it.

What can I say? I liked the story, dialogue, characters...

There is only one thing that I would suggest as for putting in my two cents...

That is about the ending. The two guys just walking out the door, and Lenny saying how his life is going to change.
I mean it's fine as it is, but what if cops were waiting on Lenny outside cos he was arrested for weed, and they promised to go easy on him if he would turn in a big drug dealer???

Okay. I know... Just a thought.
But you can use it if you'd like.
Otherwise, I thought it was pretty darned good, paced well, and a quick read.

Cindy

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for the read, and that's definitely an interesting suggestion that I hadn't thought of.  I ended it on the note I did because Lenny and Franco were the only two halfway decent characters in the script, in my opinion, and I felt that they should have a little redemption, so to speak.

I can see how what you said would play into things changing for him though, and it would definitely work.

Thanks again for reading.

Hey Mike. Enjoyed the read, it really did breeze by nice and easy. The characters did have their own voice but at the same time it was hard to focus on who really deserved the readers attention. They were all equally repellent. Someone else posted along the same lines and your reply basically stated that you did it on purpose and that the only signal flare of Franco's supiriority(socially speaking), was his 'look to the sky'. You are the writer. You are in charge. WE are stepping into YOUR world. So I wont question your motives, but the only tingle of dissatisfaction I felt after the story stemmed from him not being set apart enough. I couldnt get excited over his partial victory, his survival. Other than that, Thanks.

'...basically you end up in the sewer...'. That was my favorite line.   MsN

Thanks MsN, for the read and your comments.

I can understand how Franco certainly isn't the easiest guy to root for, but to me it makes sense.  If I made him a REALLY good guy, then it would leave people wondering just why it is that he's even associating with this people.

If he's completely bad, he gets no sympathy at all.

As I did some additional work on this, I tried to add a few more minor details in to give a little more depth to his motivation and why he did what he did.  The earlier draft was even more ambiguous.

Anyway, I appreciate your comments.

Hi Mike; New at this, so I'll be brief. Liked it. A bit difficult to root for a drug dealin scumbag like Franco, but I did sympathize with his plight. Virgil had a lot more patience with Duane than I would have. He was no longer usefull to Virgil at this point, so I would have popped him before he became annoying.  Liked the grilled cheese bit...Nice way to show the audience that the iron was hot enough to do the dirty work...Lenny was good catalyst for the story, felt natural how he popped in and out...XXX hot sauce...Sounds like the good stuff. Petty, but why keep hot sauce in the fridge?  Reminds me of some Habenero Olives a buddy got out in Baker, CA once. Yeah, those'll kill ya, too. Like to see how Franco get his revenge on Virgil. A Terrific set-up and would like to see more!

Thanks for the read Blakkwolfe.

I definitely understand that it can be hard to sympathize with a character like Franco, but given the company he keeps he wins the battle of "the lesser of two evils".

In terms of character, I tried to have a lot of different, yet similar personalities woven together, and I did end pretty pleased in that regard.

Hot sauce in the fridge?  Never really thought about it, but I guess it doesn't have to be.

If I were to extend one of my short scripts into a feature, this would definitely be at the top of the list for easiest to do since the story could really continue to unfold.  Olus, the fact that it's 33 pages helps a lot as well.  Maybe some day, as it's definitely on my list.

Thanks again.

Hi Shelton, really liked this script. Will definately read more of your scripts.
Dialogue was absolutely spot on.

Hey Shelton,

Read this one, since it popped up on the "recommended" thread that's been getting press recently.

Have to say, one of the more enjoyable shorts I've read recently.   Story was just the right length, very solid writing.  I *could* argue that everyone in it was a scumbag, and I really didn't care what happened to the characters.  But...actually...that wasn't a negative in this case.  I was interested in how it turned out, and that was enough.

Also resulted in my putting "Scarface" into my film queue.  So thanks for the reference!

Thanks for the read, wonka.  This one takes me into the wayback machine a little bit since it was one of the first shorts I wrote.  I actually worked backwards, writing some features before I got into short form.  I can tell I uploaded at least a revised version of this since it's in pdf.

Anyway, I always enjoyed this script, but felt it was a little too long to be produced.  Fortunately, the two guys who are producing my Jack Amsterdam script thought otherwise, and since they were looking for something to co-direct and act in, they went with it.  I believe it was in a festival out your way a couple years back.

As far as the characters, I agree.  I don't think there's anyone here that you can really, truly get behind, but I kind of did that on purpose.  It never made sense to me to try and squeeze in a "good guy" given the setting.  I think Franco's redeeming qualities are about as far as it could go in that regard.

Scarface is enjoyable, but it really doesn't hold up over time.

Thanks again.

Hey Mike,

Janet popped this one on the portal, thought I'd take a look.
Congrats on getting this produced!

Most of your dialog sound authentic, if a bit overlong.
I agree with your assessment that this runs long.
It was hard for me to get invested in your story.
I don't mind disreputable characters, so long as they're intriguing.
And whatever decent cred you built with Franco, went out the door with Lucius.
I tuned out when your protag sets up an innocent man to take the fall for him.
Franco is the worst hypocrite in the room at that point, hands down.

I think with a dialog trim and ditching Lucius, this story could perk up.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.