Jesus' Last Moments by Helio J Cordeiro - Short, Drama - They need to do something to save Jesus, but they seem to be unprotected men against well-armed soldiers. Will them succeed?  - pdf, format 8)

nobody read it? may be they did but they get nothing to comment (like me)?

I tried but some of the grammer really confused me so I quit.  Sorry Helio.

Helio,

SPOILERS

I’m not sure what you’re going for here. I’m inclined to think your goal was to lure the reader into thinking this is a story about the biblical Jesus only to have a twist in which it’s revealed that the story is about a completely different Jesus.

If that was the goal, then it could probably only work on paper. It would be nearly impossible for an actual film to do this without something in the clothing, setting or diction giving it away. It’s possible I suppose but it would be extremely difficult.

In any event, I think you should seriously reconsider the numbered characters. There were four and it’s very confusing as to who’s who. I really think this would benefit from the characters being more distinguished. Perhaps you didn’t because it may reveal the twist if their names don’t match the apostles, I don’t know. But it was difficult to separate the characters when there were numbered men all the way to #4, all of them having lines.

It’s interesting nonetheless and I admire the way you stretch your mind as a writer.

Helio,

I've gotta agree with Breanne here.  I don't think your twist could be accomplished on film.  

What may help is to change the names of Men 1-4 to Peter, Paul, John, Judas, etc., and maybe try to throw some other things in there that would lead people to believe that this is a modernized version of the crucifixion.


Anyway, I did think it was an interesting read, but should be extended a little bit.  Maybe to about ten pages or so.


Mike

Helio:  What can I say.  Everybody is right.  (1) This "misdirection" would not work on the screen and (2) all of the numbered characters gets annoying.

Also, the entire "twist" here is based only on the name -- "Jesus" -- with no other relevance to anything biblical at all.  If you were trying to tell a story with some larger message, this might be acceptable.

But here, it is reduced to the level of a cheap trick.  You even use it in the title, which is quite suggestive of the type of story we should expect.

Invoking the name of a character that is so important to many people for the purposes of this story strikes me as inappropriate -- and this is coming from an agnostic viewpoint.

You've got some good stories floating around here, Helio, but I am afraid that this is not amongst the best of them.

I think the above comments could be based soley on perception.  Helio is Hispanic, and in South and Central America Jesus is pronounced "Hey Zeus." It could all be coincidential and maybe Helio's title is actually "'Hey Zeus' Last Moments.'"  He's got alot of stuff on the board that are odd stories, so maybe this is just about a guy who's shot.  I don't know.  Whenever Helio reads this he'll let us know.

No way.  He's got Jesus being dragged up to a hill by a bunch of soldiers as four men and his mother look on.  I truly believe his intention was to have everybody thinking this was about Jeez Us, and not Hey Zeus.

All signs just seem to point to it.



Mike

I’m with Mike.

There’s also the fact that he refuses to name Jesus’ followers, most likely because if their names match the apostles it will ruin the twist since John and Mathew don’t sound very Hispanic.

It’s the same with his mother and the young woman. Calling them Mary or Mary Magdalene outright would ruin the twist at the end.

Jesus is being escorted to an inferred execution while his followers fearfully try to reason what to do about it. The fact that they possess guns is withheld until a later point.

Jesus is arrested and beaten. Helio even uses the word “transfigure,” clearly a biblical term. I could be wrong but it seemed pretty obvious to me.

All of you are very right!

My attempt became frustrated and I lost the track with their names. Maybe if they were just one or two Jesus’ follower...The other thing was, it never be filmed without to reveals that that Jesus was not the Christ but the revolutionary Hernandez. Maybe if it was a tale or a short story… I swear since my first script I attempt to create many ways (in screenwriting) in order to surprise the readers, but sometimes I fail.

Thanks a lot to all
Helio.

Quoted from Helio I swear since my first script I attempt to create many ways (in screenwriting) in order to surprise the readers, but sometimes I fail.

Helio,

I wouldn't really say you "failed".  You've got a decent idea here that is a nice surprise on paper, it just can't be filmed.

My opinion is as long as you've got something, you haven't failed.  Maybe try it as a short story, this would at least give you a chance to get really descriptive with things.


Mike

Many, many thanks Mike, but I know that my attempt failed.

I'll try again, again until someone to say: "Get out of here you Spanish b*****d, go back to write funeral advertisements!"

I'm so thankfully with you all, believe me!

Helio

I read this and I thought it was good, I mean it wasnt incredible but I liked the way it flowed and the pacing was what kept my interest.

I did believe this was about Jesus and then having peaked a look at the previous posts, saw that it was although I think it would have been pretty clever to have been about someone else.
If not somewhat devious!

Its a nice idea and well written.

Aye. Helio, this was a good script. This isn't intended to be the actual JESUS... It is pronounced HEESOOCE... Right? Okay.

This was a great short, and I only have the same feedback as the others. Your characters need names. Not Man #1 and #2. That was all that really concerned me. It is good, and I'm going to go read Opurto or Orporto's Bride.

I agree, I just got done reading this and I even thought that this was about God's son, I found out iot wasn't. Look change it to God's son and I bet your raves will go wild,
Dan

Good try Helio. I agree with everyone that it's a nice allegory but it only would work on paper.

It was nice to read something from you again

Michel 8)

Hey, Dan and Michel, thank you two to revive (hehe like Jesus!) this attempt of cheating the people around here! Thanks again!

hey Helio,

I really thought it was about God's son nice twist at the end. That makes for a good writer.

Dan

"I really thought it was about God's son nice twist at the end. That makes for a good writer."

Hey Daniel, again, I have to say you thanks a lot, man!

I was think that you maybe will like to read "The man that killed Bambi". Take a look at it on Shorts that I will read one more piece of yours, right?

Digging into the Simplyscripts archive, and the writer will probably never see this.
Not reading the comments of the logline, the twist really got me, but agree with what everybody is saying that is would only work on paper (or a radio play?).
It rarely did feel like a Biblical film at the start, creating the atmosphere with thunder and rain (reminded me of The Robe).
Unnecessary capping. and having sluglines with CONT. and NEXT as opposed to the more traditional Night and Day confuses things.

I actually thought it was going to be a switch. I was thinking Man#4 was Jesus and someone had switched with him sacrificing their life.

When the truth was revealed I was disappointed and immediately wondered how that would work as a film.