Starbuck Starr - Print Topic

Episode 1 Review contains spoilers.

I guess I kind of owe you this one seeing how you’ve read almost every episode of my series even ones that aren’t up and rewrites and so on so I thought I’d see how your masterpiece went and if it lives up to all the hype.

INT. BEYOND THIS DOOR – What? I hang my head with confusion.

On page 5 – ELEVEN says Armor and loaded… I guess that’s straight forward.

I thought Moloch was the good guy and these number characters were the bad guys but I see you have set a specific goal and I think it works really well with misdirection to get where we want to… the old west.

On Page 10 – ELEVEN lifts the mike and not the mic.

If this pod doesn’t launch until they’re about to crash wouldn’t they be in the atmosphere and therefore the pod would burn up while going up?

Emily and her description is just way too much as you should not go into that much detail.

Is their any reason why a father would ask his daughter to fetch his pants, sounds kind of weird.

Quote I mean, this guy is like lightning… Couldn’t you just use the next sentence and add he’s lightning fast without it being you telling us out of script.

Did you really need to describe the skull of Moloch again? I mean really as you did it once already.

I think you’ve really done it here man, it’s a good read and it’s very entertaining and flows very well and that’s hard to find. This may rival Expect No mercy on my favorite series list ha-ha but only time will tell on that as I’m eager to see if you can build on and make the series something special and unique and not just build up after build up that never leads to anything.

Great writing, intriguing story, characters are distinct, the bad guy works though I thought he was a good guy at first and the hero well Buck Starr is as of yet to become the real protagonist as he’s just not that special to me yet as the reader.

I enjoyed the story, Bert.  It seems like a good blend of western and sci-fi.  I look forward to reading the next chapter.

My biggest problem was in your descriptions.  Too often, you describe things in wordy and over dramatic ways.  Examples of this include on page 15:  "Buck draws.  Fast.  I mean, this guy is like lightning."  I don't this is appropriate.

I don't know how much you're going for the old Roy Rogers westerns, or the spaghetti westerns.  You're kinda bouncing back and forth here.  You should lean more to one or the other (personally, I'd pick Roy Rogers).

Phil

bert,
I'm glad to see that this one is up for reading. I'll have to come back to it though. These 12 hour work days are rough.

Thanks guys.

Wes:  There were a couple of times that I almost pulled out that description of Emily.  Not sure why I left it.  Maybe to see if somebody else would gripe about it.  I agree with you, and it will probably go.

Phil:  A passing grade from the dogg is always a good thing.  Both you and Wes hated the "lightning" line, so that will probably be reconsidered.  I hadn't considered "sub-genres" for Westerns, but maybe the tone does fluctuate a bit too much.  I'll keep that in mind as I go along.

Cindy:  That's retail for you.  Merry Christmas  :-/

Well, Bert, you didn't disappoint. I think this a solid start to your series.

As usual, your descriptions drew me into the story. You seem to have a knack for choosing exactly the right adjective. The trouble with sci-fi scripts is that writers are tempted to describe too much of the world they've created. In the opening sequence I think you give us just enough to form a mental image of what the ship and the aliens look like without going overboard.

I love how you describe Barbos and Moloch. In fact, Barbos is my fav. character so far. That probably says a lot about me and my taste (or lack of it)

Be consistent with your slugs. You have INT. BEYOND THIS DOOR which is a little awkward as it is, then, later, the same location is INT. BARBOS AND THE BLOCK

I usually stick up for your descriptions but the 'lightning' thing kinda pulled me out of the story.

There are a few parts where you're a little wordy. The saloon fight, for example. It's great writing but, for an action sequence, I want to be zipping down the page. It'd be nice to see a change of pace with some fragmented sentences. Don't change too much though because you have a good 'voice' and it's the reason I like reading your stuff.

As far as characters go, we meet quite a few in a short space of time but they are well introduced. I'd say only Emily is lacking because her few lines of dialogue reveal nothing about her character. I liked how you introduced the Indian 'he was my horse' - those few words say a lot.

Overall, really good stuff. I hope you continue this series because we've only had a taster so far and I wanna see where you take it.

Hey Bert,

I finally got around to checking this out, and I wasn't disppointed. I went into it thinking of a serial like the old school Flash Gordon type stuff, and I still have the kind of vibe coming from it, however, I got to thinking about what I initially thought when I read your WIP thread and what I initially perceived it to be, so I jumped in the ol' wayback machine known as google, and lo and behold, here is your hero.

BraveStarr! This was a cartoon that came out sometime around the late 80's, and had that futuristic western theme to it.

If memory serves this was rather short lived, and from what I've read so far your story will go in a different direction. I just thought you'd like to have a visual other than Briscoe County Jr.

Keep up the good work, and I will keep checking these out.

Mike

Quoted from Shelton

And knowing is half the battle...G.I. JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE

That looks like one of the G.I. Joe guys. i could be wrong considering i was born 86 and don't know many obscure 80's cartoons.

LMFAO!!  I've seen plenty of cartoons in my day, but I sure don't remember this guy...and you even remember Brisco County!  Perhaps you spent a little too much time in front of the tube, Mike...

Martin:  Thanks, man.  It's becoming pretty clear that playing fast and loose with the slug lines is a bad idea, and the "lightning" thing will surely go.  Part of the challenge with Emily is to avoid a generic "damsel in distress".  It won't become clear until later what her character is bringing to the party.

Prodigal:  I would sure appreciate a critique from your slightly skewed point of view.  Aren't you even a little curious about what's going on with this one?

Damn, I remember BraveStarr. I knew there was something familiar about the name Starbuck Starr (coffee franchise aside)

Regarding sluglines, I was always told to be consistent i.e. if you go back to the same scene twice, you should have the same slugline. It makes it easier for production purposes and it avoids confusion for the reader.

When can we expect the next episode?

Quoted from Martin

When can we expect the next episode?

Feedback on this first one really gives some good leads as to what should come later (it helps, folks -- honest!), so I will give a little time to let a few more critiques (hopefully) roll in as I rework the next one. I try not to rush things.

The next episode is running long -- an action sequence on a runaway train is taking up alot more pages than the outline had suggested it would.

I might split it into two, and release them one after the other fairly quick, or hold off a bit and release a longer one. We'll see what happens during Christmas break.

Hi bert,
I got to read this one this morning. Here goes...

SPOILERS   ;D

The first description kind of had me questioning what I was reading.
A shambling, misshapen brute, squat, with huge arms, pushes a cleaning cart with rattling wheels.
Then you go on later in the scene and introduce Barbos in caps. I thought Barbos was another character until the dialogue came in.
Shouldn't it be something like this: BARBOS, a stout brute, with huge arms, pushes a cleaning cart with rattling wheels.
The characters are all pretty cool, except Emily needs some work since she is going to be a big part of this story. What is she good at or bad at? How does she help the story along? Is she a fighter or maybe a good cook, bad cook? Maybe since she is the daughter of an inventor, maybe she has an education. Maybe she knows about different herbs, and maybe her and the Indian could cook something up for the aliens to poison them. Or maybe they'll put booze into the food. Just a thought.
I didn't like the fetch the horses and my trousers lines. Did men really tell women to get their horse back then? I thought they all looked at women as they were weaker than them. Maybe have him say something along the lines of we gotta warn the town, to the horses... something like that.
One more thing ... the word "technology". Was it even around back then? Technology like I've never seen before. Hum... Maybe something like: Some new invention that I've never seen before, since he is an inventor.

Okay, now for the good. Pretty neat story. I liked the descriptions. Very original. And now that you have brought the two worlds together, you have formed a fit that works like hand and glove.
At first when you were talking about this one, I was kind of like, I don't know...
But you do know what you are doing, and it's turning out to be something really neat.
I can't wait to read the next episode.

Quoted from bert

LMFAO!! Perhaps you spent a little too much time in front of the tube, Mike...

If you only knew the dark and horrible truth. :X

*SPOILERS*
I liked this one, Bert. A fast and enjoyable read. By the end of your script, you have an interesting bunch put together (hero, indian, inventor, hottie); I feel intrigued not only about how are they going to deal with the bad guy, but also how they are going to interact with each other. Something tells me that Buck gets the hottie, but maybe you have a surprise planned regarding this matter. I hope that each character has personal secrets to be revealed as the story advances (specially dirty secrets).

I liked the way you identified your spaceship guards; it looked much better than the usual GUARD Nº3 or COP Nº5 thingy.

I second Martin about keeping always the same slug for your locations, and Cindy about the introduction of Barbos.

Some nitpicking:

P.3
I suggest including Eleven´s age. At least: 20´s, 30´s, 40´s, etc. (Same with the Indian and the Sleeping Cowboy in page 12)

P.4
ELEVEN
(into com)
“Security personnel to Max Wing. Annex 12. Armor and lodaded. Repeat. Security personnel to Max Wing. Annex 12. Armor and Loaded.”

The alarm starts to sound when Barbos does his thing. Then you cut to the main deck when 117 speaks to a com to warn that “We´ve got a code 4 in the Max Wing”. Then you cut back to Barbos and Moloch for a while. Then you cut back again to the main deck and introduce Eleven. By this time, I already expected Security to be on his way to Max Wing (the alarm had been sounding for some time). So when Eleven orders “Security personnel to Max Wing” (twice) it sounded kind of odd. It seemed like the security guys were intentionally delayed by the writer, so Eleven could have a relevant order to give. You can make her inquire if security is on their way, and have some other guy to confirm, instead.

P.9
Eleven´s escapes the prision transport too easily, IMO. Moloch leaves her in the Pod Bay, where she can clearly see through a window that the transport is heading towards the moon; and she´s near some other Pods conveniently ready to go. General Griveou´s escape comes to my mind; the bastard escapes the spaceship in a Pod, but also launches all others so the jedi can´t follow him. It´s good that Eleven´s pod jettisons just before the ship smashes into the moon, but I felt that some additional trouble was needed for her to make the scene work. Maybe you could make Barbos shoot her some polymer before leaving, to make her escape more difficult?

P.9
EXT. THE CRUISER AND THE MOON

Not that this slug lost me or something, but I think it will look better if you write: EXT. SPACE
The description that follows is quite clear; we know the cruiser is about to crash on the moon.

P.9
“A telescope like we´ve never seen”

This is too vague; not a clear visual IMO. And considering that in the following paragraph you describe the telescope in detail, I would suggest removing the quoted line.

P.10
I know you know what I would say about Emily´s description :-)

P.11
“DISSOLVE TO:

THE PROSPECTOR´S BOOTS
Somebody is wearing them now”

If you believe it´s absolutely neccesary to use a transition/camera direction to show your story, then it´s ok to go for it. But if there is a way to get rid of said transition/camera direction, and leave your story intact, then it must go; we know these things are not welcome in spec scripts. How about:

“The Prospector´s boots lie abandoned on the dusty ground as his O.S. SCREAMS echo helpessly through the woods.

EXT. WOODS – LATER
Somebody is wearing the Prospector´s boots now.”

You show the same idea, and leave the director the decision about which transition (dissolve, wipe, etc) should go. Just for the record, I think the transition you wrote was the right one; all I´m saying is that is better to avoid such choices.

P.14
I second what other posters said about the Buck´s “draws like lightning” line. It doesn´t sound bad, but it doesn´t sound appropiate for a screenplay.

And there´s another thing to consider about Buck´s drawing scene: a good script can make the reader feel like watching a movie while reading. Script-pages turning are like movie-minutes flowing. So, a quick visual requires a short description. If you use too much words to describe how quick a certain action is supposed to be, you´re disrupting the cinematic flow of the action described. In this scene you´re telling us Buck is fast but it doesn´t feel fast enough, because this action takes 5 lines from start to finish. You could make it to feel much faster if you shorten your description.

Anyways, you have a nice and useful visual here: Buck is able to draw, shoot and return the pistol to his holster *before* the bottle hits the ground. That gives us a very good idea of how fast he is. You should build this action bit around that idea, and get rid of everything else you can.

Despite the previous nitpicking, this is my favourite scene. The bad guy has a hell of a laser gun... but the good guy draws faster making his opponent´s technology useless. I liked this. The best ideas are usually the simpler ones.

P.15
BUCK
Now you just hold it right there
(he doesn´t stop)
Hey! I mean it!
(he keeps coming)

I thought that parenthicals should not be used like this. Shouldn´t that information be given as action lines?

P.18/19
Kipple and Emily find the pod and that the Prospector is dead. News for them, but not for the audience. It would appear that this scene is not needed (unless it gives some other information I´m missing). Besides, they tell Buck about their discovery moments later.

P.21
“KIPPLE
My name is Dr. Ivan Kipple. I am a scientist and an inventor.

Buck reads the card.

BUCK
Dr. Ivan Kipple. Scientist and Inventor
(looks up)
What the heck is this?”

You are repeating information, and have some action in a parenthical. How about:

“Buck reads the card.

KIPPLE
My name is--

BUCK
Dr. Ivan Kipple. Scientist and Inventor?

He looks up.

BUCK
What the heck is this?”

Well, that´s all. Congratulations for writing this entertaining piece. Looking forward for the next episode.

I'm doing my best to review one script every day, and this was today's pick.  First off, starting a series is very hard to do, especially that first episode.  I tried writing one a while back and it didn't work in my favor because that first episode really needs to grab your attention.  For the most part, this one did, but I had a few issues with it.

spoilers ahead

The first five pages didn't do it for me.  I had to go back and read a second time to make sure I got everything, because alot is happening here.  I think when the star cruiser crashes into the moon is where I started getting interested.  First I'd like to say that I heavily enjoy the blend of two genres, both of which are completely opposite.

On page 8 when Moloch says while evily laughing "And give my regards...to the inferno!" I don't know why, I just started laughing.  You really develop Moloch in this to not be that supreme all around bad guy, but he has a personality and makes witty remarks.  You can have some fun with him in future chapters.

"Fetch the horses, Emily!  And my trousers!" I like this line.  We can assume that Emily and Ivan have a close father-daughter relationship, because A) they're both doing scientific discovery things in his study and B) obviously if he's not wearing trousers(I assume he's wearing something) then Emily is comfortable and that makes them close.  Kinda like Homer Simpson and Lisa.

On page 11 when the pod crashes and takes the prospector and leaves his shoes--I'm certain I've seen this a half a dozen times before.  I don't know where exactly, but it sounds very familiar.  Then Moloch comes out in the skin, which reminded me of Men in Black, which also, I'm fairly certain, reused that formula from earlier sci-fi stories.  That sequence wasn't really original in a sense that it's been in seen many times before.  I think for future chapters, try avoiding that kind of stuff which has been recycled.  The sci-fi in a western setting is pretty unique on its own, so you should try to keep everything in between unique as well.

Saloon-great scene.  I like how the sleeping cowboy winds up being our hero.

"Name's Starr.  Buck Starr."  "How unfortunate for you then, Sheriff Starbuck Starr."  This is what I mean with Moloch.  You can turn him into a very funny character because of the things that he inadvertly does or says.

"Word to the wise.  Less talk.  More bullets." Eh, the line strikes me as odd.

Moloch takes flight.  This guy reminds me of one those giant flying lizard things from Lord of the Rings, which were really cool!  Ivan Kipple is another guy who can bring some funny lines, such as his business card one.  That cracked me up!

So now you got these 4 guys who are going on a journey-esque type thing.  Kipple I think can turn out like Doc from Back to the Future--a smart, eccentric type guy.  Don't get the idea that I'm saying that I disliked this, because I didn't.  I'm trying to give you pointers and suggestions because as stated before, the first episode is always key.

Overall, when the pods crashed on earth, the story sped by and was very enjoyable.  Once again, I greatly enjoy the sci-fi/western genre.  Those, in my opinion, are the two hardest genres to write, but you pretty much nailed it here.  You end the first chapter establishing a solid story, and with more developing in upcoming chapters, I think this has all the potential in the world.  I look forward to upcoming chapters.  Good job!

Wow.  You guys have really come through with some great stuff.  I'm buzzing.  So much so that I am actually looking forward to the rewrite phase.  How weird is that?  I feel like I'm gonna have the tightest first act ever when I return to paste these episodes together.

Cindy:  Some ideas to use later.  Thanks for that.  And "technology".  Hmm.  George gave me a website to search the timeline of words but I can't find it now.  I'll have to check on that.

Z:  Top-notch stuff, man.  Hard to argue with any of it.  I keep waiting for you to put something up though, you know?

Greg:  It sure is hard not to let "formula" stuff slip in, but deep down, I know you are right.  Moloch's shape-shifting will play less of a role later, but it is fun to have something like that to draw upon when I want to play around with it.

General Stuff:
*  As mentioned in the WIP thread, there will be five adventurers in total.  There is still one more left to introduce in the next episode.
*  Also, Kipple is Emily's grandfather, not her father.  Nobody is getting that, so I clearly messed that up.  Fixing that will be a top priority in the next episode, and I have already figured out a nifty way to do it -- adding an additional layer to Emily's character (admittedly lacking so far) that should take everyone by surprise.

Kipple's a grandfather! Oh! Well that makes for more fun. Nice diverse choice of characters. It's like the good version of Fantastic Four!(well, 5 technically).

Bert,

Here's a little more feedback that will hopefully serve you better than a pic from a schlocky 80's cartoon.

I really liked the idea with the numbered guards, but you go back and forth between identifying them by number and spelled out number, such as 117 and Eleven.  You keep it consistent once you identify one either way, but I think they should all be one or the other.  My preference was the numbers themselves.

This really doesn't have any bearing on the story, but when Barbos hit the guard with the mop I thought "This is the first thing I've read or seen in a futuristic setting where the guards didn't wear helmets."   ;D

Gonna agree with up top.  "I mean, this guy is like lightning" is more tell than show.  Maybe "He draws fast, like lightning"?

Same thing with "It's horrible to watch, but Barbos begins sniffing the animals rear end."

On pg. 16 you break up Buck's dialogue with wrylies like (He doesn't stop) and (He keeps coming).  These seem like they should be descriptions instead, since it's Moloch that is actually coming at him.

And lastly, a dialogue suggestion:

Buck: You gotta be kidding me.  You mean there ain't one...

This is the perfect time to drop the word "yellowbelly".

Overall, I thought this was great.  I'm really liking the characters so far, and I think you ended it at the perfect time.  Keep it up, and I can't wait to read the next episode.

Mike

Bert... Can you email this to me in document format? If it doesn't cause too much trouble I would love to read this. Thank you.

Quoted from bert

As mentioned in the WIP thread, there will be five adventurers in total. There is still one more left to introduce in the next episode.

Is it a Country/Western troubadour named Tex Arkana?

That......would be awesome. ;D

Thanks, Mike.  A couple of quick responses:

*  Numbering:  I went with "Eleven" -- spelled out -- to make her stand out, because we'll be seeing her again.  That, and also because "1" and "11" above the dialogue ended up looking completely retarded.  Even worse than you might imagine.
*  I'll definitely take your dialogue suggestion on board during rewrite, as I think your instincts for character speech are just great.
*  I'm sorry, but our fifth adventurer is not a singer.  Nice idea, though.  However, he is a performer -- of sorts -- with talents that will prove useful later.

And B.B.B.:  Sure.  No thanks are necessary.  Thank you for the interest.  It's at home and I'll try to remember it tonight.  FYI, some of the best stuff here is on PDF, as it preserves formatting better than anything else.  The reader doesn't cost a dime, and you might consider loading it up sometime.  (PS:  Sorry that "Warriors" thing didn't work out.  I love that flick, man!)

I'm loading it right now... Oh, and by the way. My email is untouchablemoses@yahoo.com. Yeah, I just don't think I can live up to the movie. I think this series I'm working on is pretty good.

Wow, nice job Bert. This was an amazing opening to what I'm sure will be an amazing series.

Your descriptions are top notch, the dialogue between each character is flawless and it flows like a river. The action is great, and everything about it just blows me away. I'm serious when I say this.

But every good script has its flaws, but they are just minor.

A mic isn't spelled mike. So I guess you could say there are 1-2 spellig/grammar issues.

And on page 12 when Dr. Kipple asks Emily to fetch his pants. Isn't that a little... A little bit strange for him to ask. I'm not sure if anyone else agrees with me on this one, but I don't think he should have asked her for his pants. Just my opinion there.

Fast. I mean, this guy is like lightening.

Instead of putting that as your description maybe you could have made it less broad I suppose. Those are just very minor things I noticed.

Everything else is correct, and it all fits together.

May I ask when episode 2 comes out? (Hopefully no one asked this already.)

Fantastic start to what seems like a promising series. Good job Bert.

I have to admit, I like the line "Fast. I mean, this guy is like lightning.". I think it flows with the style of writing. But that's just a personal opinion.

As for the "pants" reference, I think that fits in with the inventor. I seem to think he will turn out to be a forgetful, maybe absent minded yet ingenius character. Works well with his character traits.

Nothing really more I can add Bert. It reads very well, great dialogue and sets up the next episode well.

Good luck, can't wait to read part 2.

Quoted from MacDuff

I like the line "Fast. I mean, this guy is like lightning."

Thanks for that, MacDuff.  I like it too, dammit  :-/.  But when so many readers pounce on something like that...well, you have to give that some weight.

Mixed reviews on the "trousers" line.  But I think part of the problem is that I failed to make it clear just how old Kipple really is.  That's my fault.  Something to fix on rewrite.

Thanks to B.B.B. as well.  I assume you don't need that e-mail now.  As for episode 2, it's discussed on post #13 of what is quickly becoming an unwieldy thread...but that's a good thing, I suppose  :)

Bert

I meant to get back to this sooner, but my computer recently fell victim to a large amount of spyware, so forgive me if my review is short; everyone has pretty much touched on what I wanted to say.

Once again your skills have impressed me. Like all you’re other previous works, the descriptions were wonderful and really made everything come together. The characters are original and very interesting. This is unlike anything I've ever read before, which is really refreshing. I'm really looking forward to more episodes.

My only concerns (which are few) have already been stated.

-Zavier

Bert don't get me wrong, from my review when I mentioned that lightning line I was telling you it was wrong for a screenplay as we're not supposed to tell what we can show easily.

I like the line, I was being technical. If you want to keep the line I don't think anybody will call the script police on you... you know?

Plus if someone like a TV studio were to pick up and read the script they'd be to involved to actually close it because of one line.

Thought I'd give this a read.

Very few details I feel I should pick at. The only one that particularly bothered me was when Moloch said "A blade? How barbaric. I'm flattered." If he considers a blade barbaric, wouldn't he feel insulted rather than flattered?

Overall, I enjoyed this very much. The blending of sci-fi and western makes for a pretty entertaining read. This felt more like a setup for adventures to come rather than an actual episode though. At the end of the script, I wanted to see what happened to these characters and didn't feel entirely fullfilled. I guess that's a good thing though since this is a series.

Also, I feel that Moloch was defeated a bit too easily. I mean, he was frozen in a giant cube. Unless he's supposed to be the main villain throughout the series, I suggest he put up more of a fight.

Otherwise, this is a read I'm glad I made since very few scripts have caught my interests as of late. I'll definitely be watching for future episodes. Good work.

Quoted from bert

Cindy:??Some ideas to use later.??Thanks for that.??And "technology".??Hmm.??George gave me a website to search the timeline of words but I can't find it now.??I'll have to check on that.

That would be http://www.etymonline.com.

And for the record I just found this on. Shows how out of touch I am. I was perusing the threads at the top of the boards and recalled this title from your sig. I guess I'm just not paying attention. I'll have to give it a read. God knows, I sure as hell owe you a few since you've been my number one Fempiror fan.

Gotta love the numbering nature of pages vs. numbers on pages. My numbers refer to the number at the base of the acrobat screen.

5: Eleven says, "What is the nature of this alarm?" Nitpicky, but it feels weird. I try to "listen" to the script in my head, and this line just hit me as sort of odd-sounding.

9: "A blade? How barbaric. I'm flattered." When I was going over the comments, I noticed how someone commented on this line and I thought it was probably a gag thrown in because it was amusing, but in context, I don't get it. Why would he be flattered (even fecitiously, since the comment is clearly in that vein)?

All in all it's a good beginning. Not too much to pick on really. I really don't understand previous comments about Moloch being defeated so easily. I didn't see a clear defeat -- more like he got hung up by something. He got hit with something he didn't recognize, and so flew off to regroup. Common enough. Don't mess with the unknown till you know it.

I like the old/new crossover when you move from the beginning to the end. It's clever. I didn't see that coming at all. Took a bit of an adjustment.

I do look forward to seeing what more comes out of this.

Quoted from James McClung

This felt more like a setup for adventures to come rather than an actual episode...

Thanks for your comments, James.  You might have missed that this is not a conventional "pilot" for an ongoing series.  These episodes are meant to be like an old movie serial, and will eventually be edited together into a feature.

What you've got here is essentially the "first act", and Moloch will be back.  He is our primary nemesis throughout the story -- though perhaps he is not turning out as intimidating as I'd originally conceived him. (He's got big plans, though...)

And George -- I couldn't get that stupid website to work.  Maybe it's just me, but all I got was links to video games.  Can you tell me what year the word "technology" was invented?  I think Cindy was right about that word kinda' standing out.

D'oh!!!!!! I transposed two letters in the link. My bad. It's http://www.etymonline.com.

To answer the question, here's a quote from that site, called Etymology Online.

technology
1615, "discourse or treatise on an art or the arts," from Gk. tekhnologia "systematic treatment of an art, craft, or technique," originally referring to grammar, from tekhno- (see techno-) + -logia. The meaning "science of the mechanical and industrial arts" is first recorded 1859. High technology attested from 1964; short form high-tech is from 1972. Tech as a short form of Technical College (Institute, etc.) is Amer.Eng., attested from 1906.

I think the word is just barely old enough to have the meaning it has in the script, as long as your story occurs after 1859. Your good Dr. is probably informed enough to use it. Of course, some of the lower intellects around him might find it confusing forcing a moment to define it for them.

Hey Bert, when can we expect the next episode?

-Zavier

Quoted from bert

The next episode is running long -- an action sequence on a runaway train is taking up alot more pages than the outline had suggested it would.

I might split it into two, and release them one after the other fairly quick, or hold off a bit and release a longer one. We'll see what happens during Christmas break.

Well, work on this has been sidetracked these past few weeks by a virtually unproducible piece of thumb-twiddling called "SimplyNoir".  Maybe you've heard of it.

I'm going for the longer episode, as I wanted to preserve the original cliff-hanger as I originally envisioned it as opposed to creating an "artificial" break.  I think it's a real grabber, too.  (In fact, somebody might not make it  :o)

This was never intended to be a weekly series.  And anyways, I think people might be more prone to return to something periodic as opposed to a series churned out at such a furious pace that readers can barely keep up **coughGeorgecough**

So maybe another couple of weeks.  Late Jan or early Feb.  Thanks for reading.

Quoted from bert

Well, work on this has been sidetracked these past few weeks by a virtually unproducible piece of thumb-twiddling called "SimplyNoir". Maybe you've heard of it.

SimplyWhat? :P

Quoted from bert

This was never intended to be a weekly series. And anyways, I think people might be more prone to return to something periodic as opposed to a series churned out at such a furious pace that readers can barely keep up **coughGeorgecough**

What? It's been a month since I churned the last episode of my crown jewel, giving anyone who wants plenty of time to catch up. My little sleeper hit has come to life a few times over the past month, but it mostly continues to sleep until awakened. Seems that some people can't put it down till they reach the last episode. Weird...

And I just pulled an Alan...

Please forgive me for cranking the wheel on the hype machine...

Episode 2 will be dressed up this weekend and submitted sometime next week.  A couple of side-project distractions pushed this back, but then, I am very easily distracted.

A little about this new one, for those who tolerate these self-indulgent posts:

*  It's right at 40 pages, so it's kind of a "double-episode", but it all leads to a big, balls-out cliffhanger that I am just super pleased with.  I think it's really good.  You know how sometimes when you are typing and you just "know" you're hitting it?  The last five pages or so were just like that.
*  A few new characters are introduced, and among them is the despicable, gold-tooth bandito first seen in "Paramour's".  His real name is Coyote, but da*n if I didn't come within an inch of naming him Helio.  I still might at some point.
*  Geri and Jessie are nowhere to be seen.  Just couldn't do it.  Maybe later.

Thanks to those who read this kind of stuff.  Hope you will like it.

Good news. I´ll check it out.

I´m curious about something. Do you picture this as an animated feature or live action?

Man, when I first saw this thread back at the top of the series board, I thought the new episode was up. Oh well. I'll read it later.

Bert. Regarding the Goldtooth character, does this episode take place before or after the "Paramour's incident?"

Hey, guys -- thanks for the opportunity to chat this up a bit more.

Quoted from Mr.Z

...animated feature or live action?

Personally, what I see for this while writing is live action -- but of the sort that looks like it should be a comic book, you know? Like "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" or those "Mummy" movies that came out a few years back. Not that those are the greatest movies -- but they're the first of that "style" that come to mind.

Quoted from James McClung

Regarding Goldtooth...does this episode take place before or after the "Paramour's incident?"

That part of his backstory (get it? backstory?) is definately before this story -- that's just in case I actually find a place for the girls.

I guess we know what just zipped to the top of everyone's read list, don't we?

i have read the first episode and I really liked it. I was hooked by the first five pages, unlike some people or persons I guess, it was exciting and faced paced. I loved Barbos, he was written very well. I thought the dialog was great, I loved Buck Starr's introduction into the story at the Saloon. You are a very skilled writer, I know now I have a long way to go in my writing. I really enjoy your description's. I can't wait to read episode 2. I hope it's as good as this one. I think this would make a much better show than firefly.

Hey Bert. I enjoyed the second episode; it was worth the wait. You can now officially consider me a fan of the series. I can point out some small things here and there, but there are no major faults in your work so far; structure, story, format are all great.

The only important downward of this idea –and I suspect you’re aware of it- would be the high budget it requires. We know that a new/unknown screenwriter has much more chances to “break in” writing the next “Saw” than writing the next “Matrix”. Anyways, writing these series will be a great learning experience for you, even if it doesn’t become an earning experience. And you still have The Farm to pitch around, which requires a more reasonable budget.

Here are some notes I made as I read along.

P.3
“INT. THE GIRL’S WAGON”

If I understood correctly, this is the same wagon you called COVER WAGON earlier in the script. I suggest keeping the same denomination to avoid confusion.

Same in p.32 (NITRO CAR and FLAT CAR)

Jail Scene
I liked it but it felt a little too long; it’s nearly 8 pages. Try cutting out everything that isn’t essential. For example, Buck saying they need guns (we know that), or Conn saying “lets go rustle up some bad guys” (we know they’re going after Moloch). I think that Emily’s speech (p.7) could be shortened a bit.

P.5 “Emily is staring”
This doesn’t bother me at all, but I read it’s supposed to be a big no no. I would suggest changing this to “Emily stares”. Writing only in present tense seems to be one of those golden rules, and it’s easy to follow. You got another couple of these along the script, but you get the idea.

“We will son learn that he goes by the name of THREE-CLAW”
I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever the screenwriter “talks to me” I feel dragged out of the story. You could loose this line; after p.9 it’s clear enough that the Indian is known as Three-Claw.

“THREE-CLAW”
(to Emily)
What is it you see?

Very minor complaint here, but I think you can loose the parenthical; Three-Claw is looking at Emily so it’s clear he’s talking to her.

P.6 “You won’t fine any powder-puffs in there”
Lol, I´m starting to like this guy.

P.8 “the kind that charms you with one hand while robbing you blind with the other”

Believe it or not, I’m not going to bust you on this one. On the contrary, I liked this line; with few words you manage to put a clear picture in the reader’s mind. Don’t ask me why, but I picture Conn as Sawyer from the Lost series.

P.10 “he drops the cigarette it into his balled hand”
I can’t be sure since Spanish is my first language, but isn’t the “it” not supposed to be there?

P.17
“KIPPLE
May I… May I touch you?”
I admit it, I have a dirty mind, but this line sounded kind of odd. Maybe he could touch her directly, while she stares at him confused.

P.25
I really like how the golden tooth becomes the morning sun; it was a great scene transition. I’m guilty of writing similar transitions in my scripts as well, but I’m not sure if this isn’t the director’s territory. Maybe these kind of things are too much for unknown writers writing on spec, or maybe not. I don’t know, I just felt like ranting a bit about it.

P.33
“COYOTE
He reaches the rear of the speeding train.”

I think these kind of secondary headings are not really needed. You can perfectly write…

“Coyote reaches the rear of the speeding train”

The train scene
I liked. Crazy and unpredictable, with enough “oh sh*t” moments to keep the reader interested.

P.37 “Fuego y fuma”
I think you meant “Fuego y humo” In Spanish we have different words for “smoke” depending if you’re using it as a verb or as a noun.

Verb: She smokes (fuma) a lot.
Noun: The smoke (humo) bothers me.

Well, nothing more to add. Eagerly looking forward for the next chapter.

Hey Drex (I am going to keep calling you that): Glad you liked it. More than one reader has commented that Barbos was their favorite. Not sure what to make of that, but whatever....

Z: Everything you busted on is fair game, especially the fancy transitions. No...you are not supposed to do that, but I am just having fun with this one (for now). And that includes the monsterous budget. You are correct with the typos, too -- my errors there. Thanks.

Quoted from Mr.Z

Fuego y fuma...I think you meant Fuego y humo...

Stupid online translators! Ha! You keep fixing my Spanish and I'll keep fixing your English, OK?

Thanks again, guys.

Just finished.

This was much better than the last episode IMO. There was a lot more action and it was easy to get into since you already set up the characters in the "pilot."

A few things to think about:

Why does Buck let Conn join the posse? There doesn't seem to be any "bargaining" in this scene. It's just kind of accepted that he's in.

The word "filly" pops up a few times. Never heard this term before. What's it mean?

The Primus character was cool but doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story at hand. I suspect you are setting him up for the third episode? I'd say take him out of this one and introduce him in a future episode where his presence is more pertinent.

Also, it'd be nice to have an idea of how Primus speaks. I mean, half of his vocal chords are robotic, right? I think a description of that nature could strengthen his presence in the future.

Another thing about voice. Why does Coyote/Goldtooth have a Spanish accent? In Paramour's, he had an American accent (I assume anyway). I know they're two seemingly unrelated stories but it'd be nice to have some consistency nevertheless.

Anyway, nice job. I look forward to the next episode. I have to read it anyway. You left this one on a major cliffhanger.

Quoted from bert

Stupid online translators! Ha! You keep fixing my Spanish and I'll keep fixing your English, OK?

Deal! ;D

Thanks for the comments James:

*  Buck and Conn have a bit of shared history, so had no need to bargain.  They just understand each other, for the most part.  Or at least, it was supposed to be implied -- and that scene was already running long.  But it's not clear, is it?  I see that now, so thanks.
*  A filly is a young female horse.  At least, I think so.  Check with Tomson.
*  Primus has gotta show up now so -- when he shows up later at a crucial point -- the reader is not, like, "Who the heck is that guy?"  But yes, he does need a voice, doesn't he?
*  The Spanish thing just kind of evolved when I was considering changing his name to Helio.  And I still might.  (I don't think he'll mind...)  But, yeah...it's just something fun to play with.

Thanks again for some good stuff to consider during rewrite.  Especially that voice thing.  I gotta think about that.

Quoted from bert

"please, no more"

PLEASE BERT NO MORE!
These are the most horrible things i have ever read in my life.
You can do so much better.
Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Justttt playing haha.
I'll give this a read this weekend :-)

Hey, that wasn't funny, Andrew.

I mean, you had me going for a second, and I was thinking, "I'm gonna kill that little..."

And then it got better. Sheesh. So I guess it was kind of funny.

Hope you like them, even if there aren't any lesbians (at least, not yet).

Quoted from bert

* A filly is a young female horse. At least, I think so.

It's a female horse under the age of 3. After that it's just a mare.

Glad I'm not a horse.

You're getting a lot of good reviews Bert, it's on my list too.
:-)

Kind of funny!!?!
You know it was hilarious? Just admit it!
I'm sure i will like them. I've liked everything else you've written and you're a great writer. I'll have a review for each episode up by saturday.

Actually Bert, I'm not very happy with chapter two.

I understand that you're trying to do a movie serial-type series with Starbuck Starr.  In order for you to do this, you should find some old movie serials on DVD.  They don't have to be westerns.  Back in the day, they had science fiction, western, superhero, cop and robber, etc.  These serials were designed to bring the movie going back the following week.  After all, how did Flash Gordon escape when his ship was blown up by Ming the Merciless?  Well, you have to come back and find out.

Chapter two (and chapter one for that matter) were both too long.  Each chapter should be ten to fifteen pages long as these serials were the shorts before the first feature.  And each of these chapters was filled with action and suspense.  For the first fourteen pages, all we have is a lot of talking.

I understand that you want to show the whole posse formed.  My question is, what's the rush?  Stretch it out over two or three chapters.  Put at least two action sequences in each chapter and have them end with a cliff hanger.  We're in no rush to read Buck capture Moloch.  Don't rush writing it.  Put some story arcs in it

Regarding Three-Claw.  You should've identified him as such in the first chapter, even if no one calls him that.  We, as the reader, are entitled to know.

You're going to have to explain some of Conn's motivation.  Why doesn't he just sneak off, especially after seeing what he's up against.

Now for some nit-picking....

Research handcuffs for the period.  Make sure that Conn could actually open them.

Page thirteen:  Kipple hits the correct button?  Is it that easy?  More detail here.

Is Eleven supposed to be your version of 7 of 9?  I'm annoyed by her.

Page fourteen:When Conn has his sights on Eleven, would he really be that close to her.  If I was him, I'd be far away from anyone I'm pointing a pistol at just so they can't do anything.

Page twenty-seven:  An open train car filled with saw dust?  How long before the wind blows that away?

Page 30:  Referring to the earlier encounter regarding Moloch's scar.  Bozo no-no!

I recommend that you take these two chapters and make them five or six shorter chapters.  Take your time with the story.  As long as there's plenty of action, people will like it.  Look at Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Phil

Hey Bert,

I’m planning on reading this (sometime). I’m assuming this is meant to be a television program. Is that right? I’ve got to say I’m not really much for reading a series (which is odd for someone who works in television -- haha. I think it’s because it’s so difficult for me to keep up with the story of something on television because I can’t watch at the same time every week.) But you’re an excellent writer, so you’ve sparked my interest.

Anyway, I noticed the first episode is 22 pages and the second episode is 41. That would make the pilot episode a half hour on television and episode 2 an hour. Is this what you intended?

Thank you, Phil. Your criticisms are always appreciated, and I really can't argue with them -- they are all fair and well-supported -- other than to defend a wee bit by saying that this is not a "traditional" serial -- even though it is very clearly labeled as a "serial" so a lot of that is my fault I suppose.

But this will not go on forever.

I am writing a feature and releasing it in "chunks" -- that will be pasted together sometime down the road -- utilizing feedback that I receive now on the individual pieces.

There will only be 5-7 episodes in total, and later, I can go in and make trims based upon what has and has not worked with the audience that looks at it now -- in its nascent form.

A few quick, specific responses:

Quoted from dogglebe

1) Research handcuffs for the period.  Make sure that Conn could actually open them.

2) Page thirteen:  Kipple hits the correct button?  Is it that easy?  More detail here.

3)  Page twenty-seven:  An open train car filled with saw dust?  How long before the wind blows that away?

4)  Page 30:  Referring to the earlier encounter regarding Moloch's scar.  Bozo no-no!

1)  Did that -- and he can.  I can even tell you how it's done if you want to know  :)

2)  From Episode 1, Kipple has already discovered the correct button.

3)  Hmmm.....

4)  Just trying to jog the reader's memory regarding events from Episode 1 (see comment #2, for example).  Things like this will be gone from the "formal" script to be developed later.

Thanks again, Phil.

And thanks for the interest, Brea.  The first coupla' paragraphs to Phil were also sort of a response to you.

Quoted from bert

And thanks for the interest, Brea. The first coupla' paragraphs to Phil were also sort of a response to you.

Ahh, okay. I gotcha. Thanks.

Bert, I can go either way on this.  First, I enjoyed chapter 2 very much, but after reading this, I can't help but feel that this would work better as one feature, which I'll get to in my review.

So don't get me wrong, 41 pages and I enjoyed each one.  For the most part, the characters lived up to my expectations after reading chapter one.  Buck reminds me of Ralph from "Lord of the Flies."  He's the leader who respects his group and gets respect in return and overall seems very relaxed throughout.  Conn reminded me of Owen Wilson's character from "Shanghai Noon," so he was obviously very enjoyable as well.

But then the Kipples were kind of left out of this one.  They had their lines, but their performances were limited.  Same deal with Three-Claw, but I guess in a way that's sort of expected.  Lonely Indian following a bunch of white people along on a journey with big-mouthed Conn...I guess there isn't much for him to say in the first place.

Something tells me that there's a past link that connects Three-Claw, Coyote, Conn, and Emily.  We already know some of the history between Coyote and Conn, but something tells me there's more.  Speaking of which, I don't recommend consulting online translators for your Espanol.  Spanish is a complex language with dozens of different meanings, so I'd ask a fluent speaker.  But anyway, I laughed several times with Coyote's lines.  Maybe there will be a bond between him and Moloch in the future?

The train action sequence was awesome.  Your vivid descriptions enhanced the storytelling for me very much.  I was able to picture my head Moloch flying through that fireball, very awesome.  And hey, I laughed at the line "And so, I release you...to the oblivion!"  haha.  I'm a very troubled individual, I think we've established this.

Back to my main criticism.  I really think this would work better as a feature.  Episode one established the setting, the problem, and most of the main characters and episode 2 jumped into building onto the problem and the rising action but the first 15 pages or so felt rushed.  I guess that goes with the territory of writing a series.  Episode one ended, then episode 2 jumps right into this and I felt that I need more, whether it being more background of some of the characters, or storytelling, etc.

But on the other hand, you left us on a huge cliffhanger and I am eager to see how this all unfolds.  So, Bert, chapter 2 was a very enjoyable experience and I, along with many others I'm sure, are looking forward to chapter 3.  Well done.

Quoted from greg

I really think this would work better as a feature.

You know, I appreciate what you are saying here.  Phil said kinda' the same thing, in a different way, and looking back over this I am in complete agreement with you both.

I am thinking now that "feature" pacing does not necessarily translate well into "serial" pacing.

Phil tossed out "Raiders of the Lost Ark" as an example, and I thought about that.  Right up front you have the bang-up opening in that jungle temple (this would be episode 1), but this is followed by that longish, dullish patch where Indiana is teaching his class and talking with those government guys about the ark.

You don't really flinch at this in a feature -- you expect it, and are patient because you know more is coming -- but if this were the opening to a "second episode", it would seem kind of dry.  And I think that is what is going on here.

I'll see this project through, but doubt I will try something like this again.  These are two different forms of storytelling for a reason.  Note to people considering a similar approach.

So thanks for your comments, Greg.  As for the Spanish thing, I'm not too worried as long as I've got Mr. Z and Helio around  :)  (I first envisioned Conn exactly as you saw it, but Z sees Conn as that Sawyer guy from "Lost" -- and I think I like that better.)

Alright, alright, alright! I'll read episode 2. But you're stuck in line behind Martin and Jimbo.

Love the Bert....just Bert pic, BTW.

Quoted from bert

(I first envisioned Conn exactly as you saw it, but Z sees Conn as that Sawyer guy from "Lost" -- and I think I like that better.)

Roy O'Bannon can kick Sawyer's ass

Hey Bert,

I read episode one, I will do episode two tomorrow since I'm stuck in front of my pc this weekend.

I would never ever have read anything called series, sci-fi, western had it not been for your kind comments to my piece a month or so ago. You know what? I liked this! I liked it better than "The Farm". The Farm was very well written, as was this and I know a lot of people think it's the best horror script at SS, but it just didn't do much for me. This one, I don't know, somehow it just kept me interested. VERY nice descriptions. I could visualize everything. I whish I could express myself like you do, but I can't.

The reason I'm going to read episode two tomorrow is I can't wait to see what happens when Eleven shows up.

Just out of curiosity; did you ever read Dragon Tears by Dean Koontz? Moloch reminds me of that character (can't remember his name right now).

Very Cool Bert.
8)

EPISODE ONE

Alright Bert pretty much i see where this is heading. And it is definitly in a good direction. I have not read the other reviews so if i state something that was in one of the other reviews then i am sorry. And if i don't that prolly means i didn't notice it.

All the characters in the script were amazing. And i mean amazing but the bad guy should be done better. If i were to take every character in your story and try my best to describe them, the bad guy would be the hardest because i don't believe he was drawn out the best. it was good don't get me wrong but seeing these other characters, i know you can do better.

Your INT. and EXT. lines dont make much sense. I forget what they exactly said but read over them and you will see what i mean.

Everything else is amazing. I think at least haha.

i'll give this a 9/10.

I'll review the 2nd soon.

Quoted from greg

Roy O'Bannon can kick Sawyer's ass

You better be referring to that guy from Lost.

Phil

Quoted from dogglebe

You better be referring to that guy from Lost.

Hey -- is this a thinly-veiled "Linus" plug?  On my thread?  May the curse of Holman be upon you!

Tomson:  Horror doesn't speak to everybody -- and that's cool -- but I am glad you like this one so far.  I've read some Koontz, but not that one.  I'll have to check that out for myself.

Andrew:  Moloch was supposed to be, like, this ultimate evil guy -- but as the story progressed, I was surprised to find him becoming kind of comical, in a way.  I went with that, but perhaps it weakened his character a bit.  I'll think about that.

Hey, guess who finally read it. I should really pick up on this quicker. I owe you so many reads, I'll never pay you back fully, but here's what I got on this one.

SPOILER ALERT

Only had two page number comments, since most of my comments are more general.

5: It has been a little while since I read the first episode, so I am catching up on character names and how they are labeled. You indicated Emily Kipple at the top of the page and then Kipple was listed as a dialogue header. I assumed it was Emily, but then learned via description further down the page that it is the old man she was with in the last episode...oops. Each episode should be treated as a new script so new characters need to be introduced anew, even minimally using all caps for their first appearace.

19: Shame on you, using "we" like that.

It's kind of difficult to comment on this at this stage. I feel like some of this will get a later payoff, but here's some thoughts on this episode.

The opening scene is a clear setup for Emily's feelings towards Three Claw, but this setup never really pays off. She makes some side glances to him, but it never really pays off at any time.

You did a good job picking up where you left off and driving on full force with the plot. The prime weakness here is you either took off too quick or you didn't slow down enough.

I actually felt like the balance between plot and character was decent, but needs more character focus. While the characters you introduced previously didn't really devlop further, you did work somewhat to develop the newer ones or those we haven't spent time with much. Eleven is still a bit thin, though. She seems to be all work and no play, but we need more to relate to so her falling into a big explosion means something. Conn is decently developed for this stage since nothing much happens to him that doesn't happen to Emily and Kipple. You need to focus on rounding out your characters more than the plot at this point. The plot flowed real well, I thought, and it looks like you have that reigned in for the long haul.

Moloch and Barbos got very little time in this one, which is ok, since they didn't do much either besides make a big mess. We need a little time with them at some point to understand more of the big villain. Villains should be as well rounded as the hero, who is also currently a bit thin, since Starr showed up near the end of Ep 1, and in Ep 2 did a bunch of stuff, but never gave us a chance to connect with him.

The introduction to the new characters just showing up was good and it should be interesting to see them blend in with everyone else.

I like how this is flowing and personally, I can see the serial in it. I believe if you step back for a moment here and there and give us a chance to really connect with these characters you've created, the whole thing will mean a lot more. Right now, it's all about the plot.

Bert,

I'm sure you would prefer some of the younger, male SS members to praise you (maybe they have already) but all I can offer is a bad tempered, weird woman to do it.

I honestly do enjoy this. I've now read part 1 and 2 pretty close together, so I'm seeing this more like a full length, rather than a series. I'm not sure how you feel about that.

Anyways, Spoilers ahead:

In my book the technicality of your script is flawless.

I'll be honest with you, but the beginning of the script, I didn't like, but then Emily turned into her present self and I forgave you and went along with it.

I REALLY like your posse. Probably we're seeing them totally different (who cares), but I have Conn as Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise. I thought he was hot there (then he went down hill).

Do you have Buck's contact info? So far, he seems like my kinda dude.

Emily's, my kind of woman, I see injustice or a threat and my AK and I are ready.

Nice dialogue! Right spacing too.

I'd like to see Eleven and Kipple get something going, I know they're not the same, but it works for me.

You did Coyote well.

Bert, I'm not trying to butter you up here, I don't really care what you think of me, but I think you've got something here. So far it's actually a nice, but unusual story. Yeah the basic story has been told before, but Sci-fi-western? Good job, I do hope the right people will read it.

You know how to write action too? Pretty good for someone at FSU. ;-)

Nice job!

Hope others will read it as well.

TomSon 8)

I'll check out episode 2 and give you a review this week Bert.

Quoted from George Willson

The prime weakness here is you either took off too quick or you didn't slow down enough.

What?  Everybody else gets these really insightful Willson comments...and I get this...?

Kidding aside, thanks for the comments, George.  I actually kinda' know what you mean, and it's from struggling to squeeze a feature into serial clothes.  You are right that some things are being set up for a later payoff, and I am learning that this does not always translate well into a serialized method of storytelling.

And I am also worried I may be trying to juggle too many characters.  They are distinct, I think, but it is very difficult to find enough for all of them to do.  This series thing is tougher than it looks, and I have new appreciation for those who can do it well.

And I knew that page 19 transition was pushing things.  I'm surprised you didn't mention the "tooth"/"sun" thing, too.  Some of this stuff is just me playing, and will likely be gone from the finished product.

------

Tomson:  Why is everybody "casting" Conn?  That's so weird.  I've never had comments like that before, but now, you are like the third one with something different.  I like it though.  It helps me feel that his character is working.

And your perspective is more welcome than you might think.  "Young male" comments are a dime a dozen around here.  But weird, cranky ladies?  Now there is a unique perspective from a sought-after demographic, and it lends your thoughts additional weight.  So thanks.

And I'm telling you -- I am a Gator trapped here amongst the savages!!  Ya' gotta believe me!

-----------

Oh..and thanks, Andrew.

Quoted from bert

What? Everybody else gets these really insightful Willson comments...and I get this...?

Oy, yeah that's confusing. To elaborate on what I was trying to say (it was all in my head, but I was having trouble spitting it out), you either begin a story by kicking it into high gear and leaving development for later, or you develop at the beginning and then go non-stop till you're done (the latter being Stephen King's personal favorite). After you hook people, it's just a personal choice of the writer. In episode 2, you started right into the plot and never backed off enough to get us into the characters. Hence you either need to slow down at the beginning enough to give us some time to get acquainted, or you need to slow down somewhere in the middle to get us acquainted. Right now, you have lots and lots of plot with minimal character time.

Maybe that makes more sense. Then again, I could have been off my nut last night too...probably explains the bazooka in my face.

Bert you asked me if the beginning was slow? Frankly I loved the beginning though I do think you over-describe certain scenes and at time it distracts one from the story but that's how you write, you're a visual guy and I won't hang you for it.

I've read the first 10 pages so far, since it's 40 pages I thought I'd let you know I'm reading it because I have a habit of telling people I'll read it and about 3 weeks later I finally do. It's like a delayed action and my brain just stops on me.

I'll try to read the rest today or tomorrow morning as I'm finding it flowing along nicely but those descriptions shouldn't go on so long for a simple action... You'd be a great action writer which is probably where this series is heading once I read on and stop typing... right now.

So I’m not going to go into spelling as George probably did that already… I’m going to be straight up and tell you what I like and what I don’t like.

Buck works, he’s a flawed hero but he just fits. Now Emily is kind of useless to me as a reader, one minute she’s all I’m this way the next she’s one of the guys and I don’t see this in my head.

She’s John Kerry, just not as smart, ugly or manly.

Why didn’t Conn take the handcuffs off earlier if he’s so magical? He seems to be a great man of magic one moment and a blithering comedic pause the next.

Wow you just unloaded a big detail on us about the history of there earth, cool idea and well pulled off.

One of your scene headings is two people’s names… how do they have an exterior or interior?

I sense this like Buffy The Vampire Slayer but in the old west ha-ha I know that sounds a bit odd but that’s how it feels. You’ve got a blend of action and comedy much like Buffy.

Damn I hate those endings where you leave people wanting more, can you just tell me what happens. I mean it’d be pointless to kill any of the main characters (Maybe Three-Claw) but certainly not the others. I’m intrigued to find out how they survive.

The Wrath of Moloch hahah.  Great title.  Makes me think Wrath of Khan, of course.  Moloch is a big supporting character in a script of mine, by the way.

Page 2:  Small thing.  Tiny thing.  "We've got a code 4 in the Max room."  To increase the urgent feeling of this, I'd cut the "We've got a".

Page 4:  I'd like it more if 117 said "Annex 12", and it was Eleven who said, "That's Moloch"...makes her look a little more on top of things, perhaps.

"Give my regards...to the inferno!"  That's one of the best moments of writing I've seen on this site.  I'd love to see this on film just for that line.

The writing is fantastic.  It's big and colorful and action-packed and it keeps you interested...I notice I didn't make a single note once the story really kicked in.

But I've got a problem with Buck.  He's well written, he's funny, and he's got style...but he doesn't have his own style.  Now I don't have a problem with over-the-top stereotypes in a story like this...Moloch's a fairly archetypical villain, Kipple's a bit archetypal himself, and so on.  But Buck, really, as the protagonist...he's the kind of character that everyone can write to some degree, you know?  I just hope that he turns out to have an interesting little fatal flaw, and that it's not that he's brave and bold in every way except for dealing with Emily romantically.  I think Buck needs a little more to him right off the bat, or coming up soon.  You have so much action crammed in here that there's not really much of a character hook for anybody...it's all plot hooks.  This works for most of the characters because they're characters we're used to, but so far, Buck is boring (to me).  He needs something.

But maybe I've spoken too soon.  Let's see how episode two goes.

Page 2:  I think we might be getting a little TOO classic with everything.  I called the arrow in the dad's chest, including stupid expression, before it happened.  Onto page 3, I also predicted the arrow in the mother's arm before it happened.  This is a scene I've seen too many times.

Page 6:  "You're all that I have...everything that I've ever known."  Your dialogue moves at such a lightning pace that even this much exposition sticks out for me.

Page 9:  No-one reacts to "prestidigitation"?

Page 16:  Did Moloch actually eat children?  They sacrificed the children of Ammon to him, this I know, but I have no recollection of him "eating" children.  Sorry, I've got all this random stuff about angels in my head so when people mention them I get excited.

Pages 18 to 20 or so:  Great idea for a transition.  Modern directors would love it...just composite the hell out of that sucker!

I really like the character of Barbos.  Despite him being the "dumb servant" type, I think that you manage to give him an interesting twist...all in subtext, too,  Very nice.

Page 21:  Eleven's pretty badass to get snagged by a couple rustlers.

Page 22:  "You killed my cat!"  Great line.  The postcedeing line is great too actually.

Page 23:  The rest of the group are pretty heavy sleepers, I guess.

So Coyote hit Conn in the head and left it at that?  I don't get it.

Page 29:  No Coyote's trying to kill them?  Why didn't he just kill Conn then and there?  If he's firing indiscriminately at Conn now, he can't care about finding that money too much.

Good god, man!

I think we need a nice quiet little character interchange here when they're all sitting around the fire.  Then another in the morning post-Coyote.

If you keep it at this pace people are gonna be dying left and right in theaters.  Too much story, not enough character.  The action scenes would be great to watch, but I don't see much character sympathy for the main characters - Emily is an easy one because people want to see her naked, and Kipple is very likeable, but other than that, I don't know, it all seems so shallow.

Even Indiana Jones has some heavier overtones with the character stuff, so that we're really drawn into the characters and care for them.

I also think that there's a lack of a main goal.  Sure, the posse's trying to hunt down Moloch, but that's not much of a goal, especially since Moloch is so much more powerful.  I think we should establish earlier exactly what Moloch plans to do when he reaches Wadsworth, so that when we see all this stuff happening, it's like the posse is trying to save the whole world.  Imagine how much more exciting the train sequence would be if it's not only their lives hanging in balance...but, subsequently, the fate of the world or universe.

I don't know.  It seems to be lacking that straight A to B plot line, because the characters  spend more time getting jerked around and reacting to the actions of others than they do acting on things themselves.

But I really enjoyed reading this.  The train action sequence was superbly written.

I'm back with another suggestion.

I have a problem with what I feel are cliches in your script.  I've already mentioned that.  But...

I love the idea of a sci-fi western.  I have a sci-fi horror western in the back of my mind, and I hope it works out as well.  But here's what I'm going to suggest for Starbuck Starr.

The western cliches are hard to avoid sometimes...and they do spring really nicely off the page.  They're something everyone can enjoy.  What if, however...what if you developed Moloch and the sci-fi element a whole lot more?  Gave him more screen time?  What if you had Moloch and Eleven seriously examine this world, react to what things have become since the initial "imprisoning", and really try to take a serious look at our earth...through the eyes of pure evil, and of course, the eyes of good.  You could use the unique blend of genres to springboard off the traditional plot and character scenarios of one, and the opportunities for creativity and serious thematic questions of the other.

I think that would be really cool, lend a little weight to the script, and still keep audiences really interested.  Eleven could observe little humanities, and also little conflicts, as well as getting used to some of the 'big' ideas of the world, while they're on their quest.  I'd also love to see a scene where Moloch was confronted with a display of pure love or generosity or humanity...I'd like to see how he would react to that.

I don't know.  Maybe that's too far from your vision of this thing.  But...as a feature?  That's where I'd love to see this go.  Not enough to lose the fun mood, mind you...just enough so that critics would say "A summer blockbuster with heart" rather than "A noisy action-fest".

Hey, thanks Heretic.  It was nice to find your thoughts on this story this morning.  Aside from some of your smaller points (Coyote's turnabout, cliches, some dialogue -- all helpful, thanks), I've got a couple of chatty responses to toss out there, too.

[Responses are specific to Heretic's posts:]

Buck:  I have also noticed something lacking in him. He's got "Shelton Syndrome", where you invest too much in supporting characters and neglect your main guy.  I toyed with making Buck something of a drunk (recall how we first meet him in the saloon, passed out on the bar), but that angle always became too dark, doing his character more harm than good.  I'm hoping the opportunity for a flaw will emerge later, then I can come back and introduce it earlier once I've got a handle on it.

Moloch (since you asked):  What I got from my research (by no means extensive) was that statues of Moloch were constructed like large furnaces, and the arms popped the kids right into his mouth like Skittles.  It's a cool story -- in a gruesome kind of way.  Maybe I'll have Kipple or Emily supply a few more details on this.

Other characters:  Emily naked?  I would ask you not to think of my girls in such vulgar terms.  (A little risque later -- maybe).  And you like Barbos, too?  That's cool.  At least there is somebody that everyone seems to agree upon.

Your Final Post:  That's where the meat is, and some of this has already occurred to me.  But you are a bit prescient, and are getting ahead of me.  This is third act stuff -- but I am glad I'll have your thoughts regarding this on board when I get there.  Thanks for that.

And the "goal" hasn't really emerged yet.  This is something of a long lead in to that -- you're right -- but it's coming soon, along with a fairly large change in venue.  I don't know how much you followed the WIP thread for this, but in the very near future we will be moving back into space...

Thanks for your thoughts, Chris.

Quoted from bert

Emily naked? I would ask you not to think of my girls in such vulgar terms.

It comes from my day job as a truck unloader haha. You should hear those guys...it's like The Aristocrats all day long.

In seriousness, though, you know what I mean, right? My point was that, sad but true, character sympathy is a lot easier on film with an attractive man/woman.

Damn it! I just wrote a lengthy review, misclicked and lost it. I'll try again.

I'm enjoying this series, Bert, but I have to agree with others that it's more suited to a feature than a series (which I gather is what you planned anyway).

I liked the opening scene with Emily. It's good to see you've taken people's advice and devoted more time to her character. The scene is very well written as usual. But I have to agree with whoever said it felt somewhat cliched. The little girl, the tea party, the mother hiding her away to keep her safe. It did feel like something I'd seen before. Then again, there's a fine line between 'tried and tested' and cliche. I enjoyed it, but you might want to shoot for something more original. Play with our expectations a bit.

The next section moves a little slower, but you're developing your characters so that's fine. I like Conn's introduction. He's likeable right off the bat. One problem I see is that you have so many supporting characters (and several more pop up later). It gets confusing at times, especially during action scenes where it's hard to keep track of where everyone is.

Also, Buck's character seems to be lost amid all these quirky supporting roles. It doesn't really feel like his story. He doesn't have enough screentime IMO, and his character suffers for it. He needs to be something more than just a sharp shooting Sherriff. Given the series' title, the story should revolve around him and he should be driving the action. As it is, he's one of many protagonists, and one of the least interesting so far.

You introduce the bandits and the action plays out well, but I'm wondering if you really need them. You've established your antagonistic force, yet you sidetrack to another antagonist. I see you bring them together at the end, but I think you need to reign in the amount of characters you're introducing. I like Coyote though, reminds me of a certain Brazilian :)

Conn's line "This is for Fluffy" cracked me up. I think he's emerged as my favorite alongside Barbos.

You introduce this Primus guy, but there's no pay-off. I gather that's coming later, but you might be better served sticking with aliens vs. cowboys and leave the bandits out of it. Especially if this is going to become a feature. Just a thought.

I'm still uncertain about Buck. It seems like you're having a lot of fun with the other characters while neglecting your protagonist. I'm sure you'll find the answer to his character soon enough.

Anyway, this is all good stuff. It's a fun read and you have some great characters, but you need to work on Buck.

Reading back a few posts, I think Heretic's given you some great advice. I agree with pretty much everything he said.

Quoted Text

Reading back a few posts, I think Heretic's given you some great advice. I agree with pretty much everything he said.

See? Martin wants to see Emily naked too.

Actually, Martin pointed out something that was in my mind while I was reading, but that I guess I forgot. I agree that, while the bandits were nicely used, it is a big - and, at this point needless - complication in my opinion. Maybe one way to give the audience some breathing room would be to cut down the number of characters.

This is hard to suggest because I do like Coyote, but...well, they better really throw something special into the next episode.

Hi Bert,
I have read part one of this series and will definitly be reading the second, but as it now here is what I jotted down as I read this.

I think the description of the characters early on are really good, Barbos is a great name and it fits his description aptly.
As I've found with everything I have read from you so far, the descriptions are excellent - can really picture the scene you have set.
The creature is interesting and his escape from his confinement was, well, again well described.

Moloch, although very early in the script, is a character I personally like! The way he tosses the knife back to Eleven as if mocking her lets us know this monster's characteristics early on. It sets the rest of the script up very interestingly.

I think the description of Emily was perfect.

"Fetch the horses Emily, and my trousers!" That made me chuckle, so far so good!

Buck, obviously the main character, is well introduced and the gun fight with The Prospector (Moloch) was well written. I think you did a great job in describing what would be seen in seconds very well.

Barbos and the horse is amusing, leading to Moloch being hit with the whisky bottle. I really enjoyed the transformation as he then takes flight. I would say the best scene so far.

The whole Indian- Buck- Horse scene was funny and entertaining.

All in all, excellent! I will read the second part tommorow and I expect it to be just as entertaining as this was.

Great job Bert,

Hey, thanks for the read, Scoob.  That was a nice surprise!  I've been trying to pull episode 3 together, but I've been pretty busy, too, so it might be a little while still.

I don't know how many of the other comments you've read, but Barbos seems to be the only character everyone can agree upon.  Maybe he should have his own show haha.

Hope the second episode delivers for you when you get a chance to give it a look.  The last 10 pages or so are one, long extended action sequence that I am pretty proud of, with a pretty decent cliffhanger, too.

Looking forward to SOTD II (which I would have looked at anyways, of course) -- I am waiting for a block of time where I can go through it in one read, and then I'll let ya' know what I think.

No worries Bert, it was enjoyable and fun and I should have got round to reading a lot sooner.
As well as Barbos, I like the character of Moloch the most, I always like the bad guys, that's just me! Buck is going to bring in a lot of comedy aswell I expect so the second part should be as good.

Im looking forward to reading more and I will do that now and hopefully come back with a little write up later.

I'll go through this without reading anyone else's comments so I apologize in advance if my comments have already been mentioned.

The opening was quite shocking with the little girl's dad being killed straight away but I was a little confused over the mention of several more men falling victim to the killer arrows. There was no previous mention of other people in the wagon or any other wagons beforehand...I went back and re-read this part and you do state it is a wagon train, but no mention of these other guys that are shot down.

Apart from that, the opening scenes are really well written again. It's so quick flowing and a really good way to show some of Emily's past.

If one of the characters, or Three-Claw himself, does not mention his name then how would we know what it is other then you telling us in writing? Im probably nit picking here(and Im a fine one to try and be a critic) but I thought it was worth a mention.

Buck is very similar to Ash from the Evil Dead! Well, at least thats the impression I got when he's sorting out all his guns and talking to Kipple. It might also be that I think you described him as similar to him in part one. This is a positive thing, I think the dialouge is quick witted and funny.

Excellent dialouge in the cell scene with Conn's introduction and the group getting to know each other's characters. You describe this seemingly so easily.

Eleven's reintroduction was great, a nicely written segment of action there, Bert! Dialouge is really amusing!

The fight with the bandits was a good way to get the group more bonded together and not to mention some action as well!

The action on the train is really well done and entertaining, I guess this is the action scene you were referring to. It's quick, fast and bloody funny! "This is for fluffy!"
It's non stop and wow, this really would be something to see on the big screen let alone a series. Excellent job Bert on such a long sequence and managing to carry it out without droning it out.

Oh man, you had to leave the ending like that?? Damn! Great ending but frustrating also!

It definitly leads me to want to read the next part.

All in all, great, I think it was exciting, adventurous and fun. Lot of witty humour and one liners which really made this work in my view.
So how many parts do you have planned for this series, and when is the next one coming along?

Thanks, Scoob.  You know, a lot of people weren't too crazy with the way the second episode opened.  The next one will also open with a similar piece of backstory, but if that one gets similar reviews, I may or may not drop that technique -- which is kind of half-stolen from "Lost", and I think it works pretty good there.

And since we are on my thread, I'll do a little off-topic editorializing, too.

It was very cool to see this up for the "Simply Whatever It's Called 2006" stuff -- many thanks to whoever -- but I am not sure this 60+ pages stands up to the other bodies of work up there.  And it's a shame that "Expect No Mercy" didn't find it's way onto that list -- Zavier is doing a hell of a job with that series -- and it's too bad it doesn't get more looks.  Anyways, some stuff for potential voters to consider.

And Scoob -- did you notice SOTD is up there on that list for horror?  Good job, man.  Thanks for the read-through on this.  I hope to look at SOTD II before too long.

Bert

Read Starbuck Starr: Episode One and here my thoughts.. The praise is at the end of the second post as I had to split the post due to the large amount of text..

All pages:

Your shot/action descriptions over-use words which end with "ing" in them and I reckon your script would read much better is you wrote them in the present tense.. At the moment, these words with "ing" in them read in the past tense which makes them static, know what I mean?

Its just when writing action scenes the use of Action verbs or Power verbs work better, read better and keep the action moving forward and provide better momentum, movement and flow to the whole thing..

Here's an example:

Page #1

INT. STAR CRUISER - HALLWAY

A shambling, misshapen brute, squat, with huge arms, pushes
a cleaning cart with rattling wheels.  He wears what looks
to be little more than a glorified diaper.

The brute approaches a fat guard, who stands before a large
door that is both imposing and secure.

An example of improving Action/Power verbs:

INT. STAR CRUISER - HALLWAY - DAY (you missed time of day on your slug)

A shambles of a misshapen brute, squat, with huge arms, pushes
a cleaning cart, the wheels rattle. He wear what looks
to be little more than a glorified diaper.

Here's another example where your action/power verbs can be modified so they improve forward movement and momentum:

PAGE #2

Barbos steps to the keypad, stabbing at it with sausage
fingers.  He struggles with the numbers, but gets it right.

Example as an improvement:

Barbos steps to the keypad, stabs at it with his saugage
fingers. He struggles with the numbers, but gets it right.

All I've done is add the word "his" and changed "stabbing" to "stabs" and already it reads better with regard to action verbs.

Okay, I'm gonna piss you off here, here's one final example:

PAGE #2

Encased in this block is a large, dark creature; humanoid,
but also amorphous, as if rippling.  It seems more shadow
than substance.

Barbos steps to the block and caresses it, peering inside,
where the creature’s red eyes are alert, staring back.

Turning now, Barbos snatches a tarp from off his cart,

And the improved edited corrected verbs:

Encased in this block is a large, dark creature; humanoid,
but also amorphous, as if it ripples.  It seems more shadow
than substance.

Barbos steps to the block and caresses it, he peers inside.

The creature’s red eyes are alert and stares back.

Barbos turns now, snatches a tarp from off his cart,
which reveals a large, plastic barrel.

Sorry Bert, but you could go through your complete script and improve every page using the examples I've written here..

I personally reckon doing this will actually lift your script up a notch and make it more enjoyable a read for the reader..

You can completly ignore this advice if you don't agree or you can take note, have a go at adopting these ideas and try and impliment them in another re-write. It's faily painless to do and you'll get a lot out of it..

More in the next post below:

Kev

Followed on from previous post above..

PAGE #3

He cracks the barrel on the block like an egg.

Wouldn't it read better if for example you wrote:

He breaks the barrel on the block, it cracks like an egg.

Just a thought..

Barbos basks in its praise like a puppy.

I think this line doesn't read correctly..

"Like a puppy" implies we know what you mean without a mention of the description of the metapor only the end of the metaphor's line..

For speeds sake I reckon you missed the full meaning and unfortunatly the correct meaning of this line is lost..

If an alien read this line it wouldn't know what you mean..

Now if you write the line like this:

"like a well-behaved puppy"..

An alien would know exactly what you mean, myself included..

She is attractive and fit.  Her jet-black hair is cropped
severely short.

I know what you mean, just, with the above line, but I still think you could be a little more elaborate here with her bio description..

She is attractive and athletically fit, her jet-black hair
is cropped severely short.

With the above suggested amendment I would understand the character works out, does gym or lifts weights and or even jogs or something..

PAGE #13

I really love these lines and how they link to each other. They tell us his name, who he is and his position in town but amusingly they are corrupted by the alien in the Prospector's shoes and no doubt this is his space name to be too.. Very cool indeed.. You dialogue is execllent..

BUCK
Means I’m the law around here.
The Sheriff.  Name’s Starr.
Buck Starr.

PROSPECTOR
How unfortunate for you then,
Sheriff Starbuck Starr...

PAGE #14

Buck draws.  Fast.  I mean, this guy is like lightning.

I remember a previous posting which criticized the "lightening" word featured in this script and was eager to spot it.. I don't think it's a problem myself but maybe a suggestion, it may sound and read better like so:

Buck draws.  I mean, this guy is like, lightning Fast..

Dunno, what do you think?

Just thought I'd throw that suggestion your way..

PAGE #15

Loved the scene where Barbos smells the horses ass and you cut to the horses reaction of same - very funny!!!

PAGE #17

I'm not altogether sure about some stuff in the INT. SALOON scene..

INT. SALOON

Buck jerks at the sound of an O.S. GUNSHOT.

He turns.  The Indian holds a smoking revolver.

He has shot the horse.

The Indian looks up at Buck.

INDIANT
The beast was in agony.
(motions with the gun)
Your weapon.  I hope you do
not mind.

The Indian tosses the gun back to Buck.  Buck catches it
smoothly and slips it back into his holster.

BUCK
Thanks.

If Buck jerks at the sound of a gunshot, why do you need to mention that it is O.S.?

If it is only the sound you describe then it is already ofscreen and you don't need to write the "O.S." bit..

Next line you've written:

He Turns. The Indian holds a smoking revolver.

I am assuming you refer to this as a side shot so we can see both characters in the same frame. Either that or over the shoulder shot where we are behind Buck and we see the Indian standing there with the smoking gun?

A little confusing I grant you..

In master scene terms I would be more direct with my description like so:

Buck jerks at the sound of a gunshot. He slowly turns around.

The Indian holds a smoking revolver.

We now know exactly what you mean and can see it from one shot to another as we cut from Buck to the Indian, that's the payoff.

In the next couple of lines of description again you've jumbled two shots together me thinks..

The Indian tosses the gun back to Buck.  Buck catches it
smoothly and slips it back into his holster.

It should read:

The Indian tosses the gun back to Buck.

Buck catches it smoothly and slips it back into his holster.

The above come across a two camera shots rather than a single shot. Unless that is what you had in mind.

Moreover, you could split this even further into three camera shots and have the gun sliding into Buck's holser in a close-up like so:

The Indian tosses the gun back to Buck.

Buck catches it smoothly.

Buck's hand slips it back into his holster.

For me, one of the genre highpoints is seeing the pistol being drawn fast, you've done that, but also being casually placed back in it's holser.. Preferable with a twizzling around the finger showoff thingy..

Just another way of looking at something.. Again, just another suggestion..

PAGE #18

Buck's line:

BUCK
I reckon somebody oughta.

he is actually cut off in mid sentence by the Indian and should read:

BUCK
I reckon somebody oughta...

You wrote this correctly on his next line after fiddling with the laser.

You know this of course, the three periods signify being interrupted...

Overall this is a great opening for a potential T.V. series. Great characters, excellent dialogue, and very funny humor. I like the dull Barbos character, he's funny. I like Buck, he's my hero and I just love the characters and unfolding drama in the Saloon, you're a born western writer Bert, way cool..

I can see where you're going with this and with a little pile of shit, sorry,  I mean a polish it here and there I reckon this script would be as tight as a crab's arse.

I love the final couple of scenes, they flow effortlessly from one to the other telling the story as it unfolds both for the characters and ourselves the reader.. I really like how the characters, who will be employed in the next installment, didn't know this fate lay in store for themselves, it’s a great set-up..

I can really see this series being optioned from you at some point.. Sure can..

Still think you need to do a re-write on this Bert. Not for the sake of it but to make it better. To improve on the little things I've pointed out. These are only small gripes. Apart from these things I've mentioned you have a great piece of work here. You really are a great writer and your ideas sure are wacky but at the same time not too wacky, they're believable, funny and entertaining, and that's what counts..

Don't take this stuff I've said too seriously Bert, it's all hints and tips man. Another way of writing stuff and offered as help from me to you my friend.. Well done, man.. I really like this and want to read more.. Where's the next one.. Oh, here it is..

Kev

Quoted from Kevan

....tight as a crab's arse.

Honesty, Kev...sometimes I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.

But seriously, thank you for what amounts to a fantastic batch of genuinely helpful comments.  In fact, as far as that "power verbs" thing goes, I am right there with you.

I had noticed you and Cindy discussing that, and while I didn't participate on that thread, I was certainly taking notes.  Really good stuff there that everyone could probably benefit from.  I suspect we all do it from time to time.

So, thanks again, Kev.  Comments that one can actually incorporate into a new draft are always appreciated.

Guess I'll cut this short so we can all get back to reading those one-week comedy submissions, eh?

EPISODE ONE

Hey Bert,

I really liked this.

****SPOILERS****

Of course, the descriptions were well done. Your exposition is perfectly suited for this kind of material by the way. You wear it well.

Dialogue was very good as well.

It was very creative and original. Always good in my opinion.

You do know Moloch (one of several spellings) is the name of a rival god that Yahweh, in the bible, expressly forbids the Hebrew people to worship? I didn’t know if that name was a sort of “devil” name you gave the character on purpose or not. It would require some interesting special effects to bring him to life, though.

The Moloch character was a good magnetic character. In fact, until Buck enters the story, Moloch pretty much walks all over the other characters, not just physically, but charismatically. There was no other character who could compare and no one to really root for. Number Eleven was just too down-to-business and un-involving. She really came off as a sort of throwaway character. The actions - her surviving and crashing on earth - were the only cues that she was more. Nothing in her character suggested it.

At the first encounter between Buck and Moloch (as the prospector), it says Buck draws again with his left hand. But it doesn’t say what he does. Does he shoot? Does he spin the gun around and show his dexterity and coordination with a gun? Or does he just draw and train the gun on the prospector?

I think the Indian really needs a name. Unless just calling him Indian is going to be a running gag in the series. If not, he needs a name. How about Squat? -- haha. Then every time he asks Buck something Buck doesn’t know, Buck answers: “I don’t know, Squat.” -- haha -- I’m being silly.

When I first saw the word technology used by someone in the old west, I thought - wait a minute. That word wasn’t around then. But I checked it out and sure enough that word (its original root anyway) is actually quite old.

I’m not sure what this is. I think I read somewhere that this was a feature broken up into parts and not an actual series or something. In any case, it seems metered out pretty good to me. Very professionally done. You’re getting really good Bert.

I liked it. I thought it was cute and funny and interesting. Good work.

Brea

Thanks for the look, Brea, and your kind words.  I'll tell you what -- if I am "getting good", it is in no small part because of these boards, you know?  If you use this place right, there is nothing else like it.

A few quick responses to comments:

I know about the "real" Moloch.  In fact, in the original outline Moloch was supposed to be an ancient evil -- he was the Moloch -- here on Earth all those years ago.  This has changed, however, and his origin is much different now.

Moloch is a good example of a character who has found his "own voice", seemingly independent of my efforts to create him otherwise.  And I like him better this way, anyways.

The Indian has a name -- it's Three-Claw -- as we learn early in the second episode.  "Squat" is pretty funny -- but yeah, a little too silly.

And as for "technology", Cindy called me on that before, and George checked it out for me and confirmed that it was OK.  That exchange is buried in this thread somewhere.  Isn't it great how these boards can work sometimes?  You can't buy that kind of help.

Episode Three (you didn't ask, but I'll make dual use of this post) has some parts that I am still not happy with.  And I don't like to put stuff out there that I am not happy with.  That, and the fact that "real life" has really cut into my writing for the time being -- I've got some pretty big deadlines bearing down on me right now.

It's coming, though...

Hey Bert,

I need to clear some things up:

1) When I say you’re getting good, I don’t mean as in an amateur getting decent. I mean as in a good writer headed toward the upper echelon. You’re approaching a level from which no one will be able to argue with your technical skill and creative prowess.

2) My review is based solely on Episode One. I’m sorry, I should have made that clear. I have not as yet read Episode Two. I plan to get to it after I read Open Your Mind. Then I’ll be back. (Oh, and by the way Oh Tuft Headed One, your little “miniseries” here has proven a great way to get a large number of posts.)

3) The Squat thing was a joke. Three-Claw is, of course, much, much better.

Brea

EPISODE TWO

Hey Bert, I really enjoy your little serial here.

****SPOILERS****

- Emily with Mrs. Honeywell - just a small little transitional scene but it reminded me of me -- haha.

- “Guns. We’re going to need lots and lots of guns.” Is this a Matrix homage? Isn’t this the line Neo says right before he goes to rescue Morpheus?

- Why does Emily call Kipple papa? This is not explained. Is their meeting explained in part III?

- Kipple abhors guns. But yet Emily is adept with them. And Kipple has no problem with obliterating an outlaw. It seemed a little inconsistent with his character. I could see if a bullet whizzed by Emily and angered him before throwing the bottle.

- Conn is a good character. He kind of reminded me of James Dean at his introduction, which is always good.

- Eleven doesn’t know what planet she’s on while talking at the campfire. No one tells her either. Buck tells here she’s in Nevada. Then she tells the history of the planet. She still wouldn’t know what planet she’s on unless she knows that Nevada is on Earth, which she wouldn’t. Maybe Kipple should inform her.

- Eleven nicknames Buck Starbuck Starr (p18 ). Moloch also nicknamed him that (p30 and also in Episode I). It’s pretty coincidental that two separate characters would come up with the exact same nickname.

- Coyote calls Eleven loco. In Spanish, a crazy woman would be loca with an a.

- "Boy, are you wearin’ a diaper?" -- haha!

- Only complaint - Moloch’s character was prominent and charismatic in Episode One. Here, he’s had his screen time diminished and his character is more linear.

Well, it’ll be interesting to see what happens since every single character is in imminent peril.

Primo work, Bert.

Brea

Quoted from Breanne Mattson

1) “Guns. We’re going to need lots and lots of guns.” Is this a Matrix homage?

2) Kipple abhors guns...Kipple has no problem with obliterating an outlaw...It seemed a little inconsistent with his character.

3) Conn is a good character. He kind of reminded me of James Dean.

4) Coyote calls Eleven loco. In Spanish, a crazy woman would be loca with an a.

5) Moloch...had his screen time diminished and his character is more linear.

Thank you, Brea.  Quick responses:

1)  They say that?  Shite!  I thought it sounded familiar.

2)  Subtle, but a good point.  Thanks.

3)  So far Owen Wilson in "Shanghai Noon" and that Sawyer guy from "Lost" have been "cast" in this role by previous posters.  Not sure if Dean is available....

4)  Dang-it!  Mr. Z and Helio are supposed to catch that stuff for me.  Falling down on the job, those guys.

5)  Moloch had to make room for Conn and Coyote this time around.  He'll be back, alright.

Thanks again, Brea.  All of it's appreciated -- even the stuff that didn't get specific replies.

Quoted from bert

1) They say that? Shite! I thought it sounded familiar.

2) So far Owen Wilson in "Shanghai Noon" and that Sawyer guy from "Lost" have been "cast" in this role by previous posters. Not sure if Dean is available....

1) I watched the video (The Matrix-just for you Bert) to make certain of the actual dialogue. Neo is in a place called “the construct” with the character Trinity. Another character, outside the construct, whose name I didn’t catch, asks, “Okay. So what do you need? Besides a miracle?” Neo answers, “Guns. We need lots of guns.”

So it’s not word for word but similar enough to sound familiar.

2) Conn only reminded me of Dean at his introduction. I agree that Owen Wilson is probably a better choice (especially since the irreplaceable Mr. Dean is no longer among the living) though Mr. Wilson’s smile isn’t all that beguiling to me personally.

Great followup to Episode 1 Bert. I won't go into details as most of my points have been covered by everyone else.

It's important, especially with a series, that the characters drive story along. You seem to have assemble a great cast that plays of each other very well. That will help you in the long run as you can play so many relationship issues and intertwine them with story archs to fill an episode (while staying true the main linear plot).

This series reminds me of the fantastic FireFly series (and Serenity movie). I think Nathan Fillian would make a great Buck, but it may resemble too much like his charater from the show. Seriously, if you haven't seen FireFly, watch a couple of episodes, you'll see the resemblence.

Can't wait to read the next episode.

Brea:  I can't believe you checked that out just for me.  How sweet.  Even if it does screw up one of my favorite lines -- maybe I'll just say it is an homage -- you can get away with anything if you do that, right?

And Owen Wilson seems to be a love him or hate him guy.  Have you seen "Zoolander"?  That film was much, much funnier than it had any right to be.

MacDuff:  Thanks for the surprise read.  You are not the first to mention FireFly -- but hearing it from you does make me feel that perhaps I should check this show out.

I've heard good things -- which is good -- even though it tanked -- which is bad -- so I guess I'll just have to check with Netflix and see for myself.  I'm pretty sure "Serenity" is out now at the very least.

Thanks again guys.

General Comment:  For the next installment I am aiming for late June.  We'll see.

Bert, my apologies, as this review is a long time coming.  I'm actually kind of ticked off at myself for not reading it actually, since I really anticipated the arrival of Conn, and while I'm on the subject, and others seem to be casting him, I'll throw my two cents in and say Aaron Eckhart.

Waitaminute.  Here I am praising one of your secondary characters, and I stumble upon something known as "Shelton Syndrome".  Oh, great.  Do I really need to start laying out a bunch of movies where the main character is a relatively uninteresting person surrounded by oddballs?  Sheesh.

Having gone through all of the previosu posts, it looks like most of the things I've noticed have already been commented on, so I'll keep this mostly to the point.

I enjoyed this chapter, not so much because of the story involved, but because of the introduction of the new characters.  I think Conn, Coyote, and the little bit we see of Primus really help to strengthen this story on the whole.

I must say that as much credit as you give me for dialogue, I can say the same thing about your action and descriptions.  I fidn them to be spot on and concise without being overbearing.  I really have no idea what the hell a power verb is, but your stuff REALLY works.

I see you've brought back inferno, always a classic, and used oblivion in the same sense.  I did not however see a "yellowbelly".  Why, oh why, not?  :(

Really looking forward to the next one, which I hope I can be a little more on top of.

Quoted from Shelton

Waitaminute....something known as "Shelton Syndrome"....

You saw that, huh? I thought that was safely buried away in the depths of this thread -- it was right about the time I'd finished reading "Hero of her Heart", I think. Leave it to you to go mining for it.

But you should be happy to be the namesake of a script-related syndrome, you big baby. It could be worse -- like, Tourette's or something, you know?

And "yellow-belly" is already going into the rewrite for episode one, which is why you didn't find it here.

The next episode is going to have one important segment that is devoted to Buck -- all on his own, with no support -- and we'll see how that goes.

Hey,

The stuff I had to say has pretty much been said but any ways...

I liked this quite a bit. I enjoy serials (although I agree that its not a traditional serial but I think that, like dogglebe, if you would have broken each of the episodes up it could have been written as a serial) Any way, I think it works fairly well as is.

I think you write really well especially descriptions (I hope I absorbed some of that skill while reading) Also, contrary to some other posters I enjoyed some of the more "off" descriptions, like the  "fast like lightning" thing for example. But what do I know, you should probably listen to the more experienced folks.

You had a lot of eccentric and entertaining characters which I always enjoy. Especially Conn  who is probably my favorite character. I really love the idea of a magician outlaw. The only thing is, as another person mentioned, I think the cast kind of outshines Starbuck Starr who I in general found less interesting, but then again I have a tendency to like the side characters more then the main character, especially in serials.

I read one comment about jumping back in forth between a Roy Rogers and Spaghetti Western tone.  I'll just put out there that I was completely comfortable with it, perhaps because there is already a bit of genre hopping.

Well anyway, although it looks like no ones touched this in a while, I hope I do eventually get to see an episode three. And while I'm here congratulations on earning a doctorate. Out of curiosity, what are you a doctor of? Like a medical doctor or a love doctor?

Sheepwalker

I wasn’t going to wake up this thread until I had a new episode to put on it; what a nice surprise to find that someone has already dug it up.

Starting with some of the latter comments first:

Quoted from Soap Hands

I hope I do eventually get to see an episode three.

Oh, yeah. The treatment for this is complete. I simply have not had the time to flesh it out into its final form because…

Quoted from Soap Hands

Out of curiosity, what are you a doctor of? Like a medical doctor or a love doctor?

“Love doctor” haha. But then, aren’t we all?

Several of the older members already know I was busy earning a doctorate in Biochemistry. It was all-consuming -- which is why I haven’t written anything "for fun" in maybe a year or more. But now that is behind me, and completing this series is something I hope to get moving on soon. I am shooting for a new episode this fall.

Quoted from Soap Hands

I enjoyed some of the more "off" descriptions, like the "fast like lightning" thing for example. But what do I know, you should probably listen to the more experienced folks.

NO! You have to trust your instincts. For every person out there saying, "that's wrong", there is another person saying, "I like it." While there are some unwavering rules with screenwriting, those “gray areas” are for you, the writer, to navigate as you think best.

And that is what feedback is for, anyway. Do what you think is best until somebody really convinces you otherwise.

Quoted from Soap Hands

The cast kind of outshines Starbuck Starr…

You are correct. It is a flaw I am still trying to hammer out.

Quoted from Soap Hands

I read one comment about jumping back in forth between a Roy Rogers and Spaghetti Western tone…I was completely comfortable with it…there is already a bit of genre hopping.

That was Phil, but I do like your response to his criticism.

So thanks for dredging up my series and reminding me that I need to get cracking on some new additions. I am glad you liked it, S.W. It is one amongst my favorite things I have written. I will be sure to check out some of your work as time permits, but I am in the middle of moving right now, so it will just have to be a surprise as to when…

This is actually pretty sweet, you know! I'm a sucker for this kind of genre - and I think Firefly should've made us all appreciate the natural progression from Westerns to Space Westerns - but this was done with real love for the various genres it straddles. There was an ace novel by Babylon 5's Bruce Boxleitner along similar lines - aliens land in the Old West - and for some reason it's a mixture that seems to work well. There's obvious thematic parallels that I won't go into here, suffice to say that me likey.

The stylised direction? That works for me. It's nice to see a bit of unique voice go into a script, as long as it isn't overpowering. See, in the realm of virtual series where I work, we write scripts for our site that have little chance of making it to professional production, so we can foord to go a bit more in-depth with our descriptions and actions. It makes the finished product a much more visually evocative read.

In fact, if I have a fault it's that this is too short, even for a half-hour drama. You could easily cram three or four more pages in here - do more with the Indian, who kind of shows up and gets accepted pretty quick.

So I give this one a big fat:

Hey, thanks for the look M.Z.  This one is still very much a work in progress.  The remainder of this story is mapped out, I just need to find the time to do it.

I am pleased that you could appreciate the style, and you are absolutely right that at our level, if we cannot inject a little of ourselves and break a few minor rules, then what’s the point?  This story may never actually see production, but it might serve as a nice calling-card script when finally complete.  I hope so, anyway.

As for the odd length, this is eventually going to become a feature-length, and the short episodes were supposed to mimic an old serial.  Of course, the second episode is 40 pages, so I guess I am kind of all over the place with it haha.

I popped over to your own site for a glance, btw, and I have to say, that is a mighty impressive body of work you guys are collecting over there.  A passing grade on this from the likes of you makes me feel pretty good.

Thanks again for the kind words -- as I suspect you know -- that is the kind of stuff that really keeps us going.

Quoted from bert

Several of the older members already know I was busy earning a doctorate in Biochemistry. It was all-consuming -- which is why I haven’t written anything "for fun" in maybe a year or more. But now that is behind me, and completing this series is something I hope to get moving on soon. I am shooting for a new episode this fall.

Bert, congratulations on receiving your doctorate! But come on. Don’t act like earning a doctorate in Biochemistry and writing screenplays both was just too much work. Oh boo hoo! Get the little baby a binky! You could have done both, lazybones!………I’m just teasing you. I’m very proud of you, Doctor. Oooh I like that. I like calling you Doctor. :)

Quoted from bert

Oh, yeah. The treatment for this is complete. I simply have not had the time to flesh it out into its final form…

You said this on August 29th, 2007. Still no final installment. What’s your excuse now Doctor? We already have a Dr. Mabuse. Now it looks like we have Dr. Excuse. :)

Breanne

Ahh...fresh abuse from Brea is always such pleasure -- but in that sadomasochistic kind of way that is so hard to describe -- like a cold shower on a sunburn.

And thanks for the kindish words, Ms. Holif...oh, but perhaps it is no longer Holifield.

Hearty congratulations of your own are in order by now, I suspect.  And as I told you before, you can be sure that more than one lonely screenwriter shed a small tear on that happy day.

As for Starbuck, his triumphant return will occur.  But I rushed it out before I was really ready to go all out with it and let the series down.

Dr. Excuse haha.  Pithy as always, and working on several levels.  But I promised Wesley I would not start things back up until I was really ready to do it right; that is, seeing it through to its conclusion in a timely fashion.  I want to make sure I have things ready to go all the way this time.

The concluding scenes as plotted are obscenely overblown -- ten times bigger than the runaway train scenes.  They will be very fun to write, and I will just have to do my best to pull the readers back when the time comes.

Thanks for checking in and letting us know you are still lurking around.  It is nice to know that you're out there.

Well I read the first episode and I loved it.

Buck reminds me of a Bruce Campbell type.

I liked Eleven, it's a shame about her.  Maybe a rewrite so she makes it out in time?  I think she would have the potential to be a really good character.

And the only thing I really noticed that felt off in the script was in the beginning when you were introducing Barbos.  I think it would save space to tell us his name in the first line i.e. Barbos, a shambling, misshappen brute, etc

I'll get to the next one when I can.

Hey, thanks for looking, slabstaa. And for casting Buck exactly as I had done so myself :)

Quoted from slabstaa

I liked Eleven, it's a shame about her. Maybe a rewrite so she makes it out in time? I think she would have the potential to be a really good character.

Hmm...I will have to go back and see if I can spot the confusion -- she DOES survive the crash -- and plays a large role in the next episode.

But I cannot make any promises about Eleven -- or any of these characters -- as episode two draws to a close...

I appreciate you taking the time to drop a few comments, slabstaa. Thanks again.

Oh shit. She does survive the crash? Maybe I might've misread it or something.

as I pormised long time ago I would have a look at Starbuck.

To be quite honest I'm not sure what to write as hell yeah this script has perfect format pacing dialouge writing style everything and you already have 8 pages of reviews saying this.

So what to write? Kipple's buisness card was the high light for me.

While cowboys and aliens is a cool idea I found some (just a little) of the content you used a bit ordinary.

Moloch as a big claw/sharp teeth and bat wings monster was just so average and the whole alien on ship bust out of container reminded me of a dozen episodes of toons I have seen on Cartoon Network.

It's just that your writing is so rich and visual and stylish why would you settle for the mundane?

I would have loves to read your description and action of a alien villan that was a mix of a Rancor and a gazell. strength and agility with an overbite.

The ending was top stuff and left me hanging for more. I've mentioned many times I'm a sucker for cliffhangers.

The title of your script reminds me of old 80's cartoon called Bravestarr which is a sci-fi western. Was it an inspiration?

And that's all I've got. This script is perfect in everyway and I will always come back to it for inspiration when writing my own scripts. Like they say Monkey see, monkey do.

Hey, thank you for the surprise look, Tonka. I remember that conversation, too, and should work my way around to my end of the bargain sometime. I will drop you a PM. I like that your "highlight" was such a silly little moment -- almost an afterthought -- but it is one of my favorite bits, too, because it almost sails right past without even being noticed. I am glad you noticed.

Quoted from Tonka

Moloch was just so average...I would have loved...a mix of a Rancor and a gazelle…

Well, in my imagination he looks great haha. The CGI guys would have to work overtime on the shadowy, shifting flesh. Honestly, I had to google Rancor haha. He is a bit like that, I suppose. Only smaller, and more intelligent-looking, and kind of mix-crossed with Venom and a bat. Perhaps I should work to ensure that is more fully realized on the page.

Quoted from Tonka

I'm a sucker for cliffhangers.

Me, too. I was actually pretty proud of that finale, but it took a while to figure out how to put each and every character into jeapordy. And I suppose I am kind of a dick for making people wait so long on its resolution. Where does the time go, you know?

Quoted from Tonka

The title of your script reminds me of old 80's cartoon called Bravestarr which is a sci-fi western. Was it an inspiration?

Ahh...another person who watched entirely too many cartoons. A couple of people mentioned that when this was new, but I had not seen it myself. I got a good laugh when I did a little google research. If I had to point to something specific, I suppose "Brisco County" was what I borrowed the most from. If you actually remember Bravestarr, you might remember Brisco, too.

Thanks for the kind words on this one, Tonka. Of all my stuff, this one was the most fun I have had while writing. I suspect it will be just as fun when I really have the time to resurrect this and finally wrap it up.

Just read the first episode. I erote some of my comments while going along, and haven't read the other posts so there might be repeats.

I read the script all the way through, though since it's only 22 pages that might not mean much. The formatting was perfect, your descriptions were short but descriptive. However, the one thing that turned me off before even reading it was the fact that there were no act breaks. I understand it's not a full-length episode, but act breaks still make it easier to read. You make up for the lack of acts in that the story is engaging all the way through, but to me there were spots where you could have divided it. Maybe end a teaser after "...like a puppy" on p3 or after Eleven says "Moloch..." on p6, the next act end after the prospector screams or when Buck asks "Who wants to know?", and the final one finish at the end.

Enough of formatting. As for the plot, it was a neat science fiction original. I'm not a fan of sctrictly sci-fi works, which is what I initially thought with the space crusier on another planet, nameless technicians referred to as numbers, and cliche pods. But once they landed on earth, and the events with the sheriff and prospector happened, I was proven wrong. I was also skeptical about the old time western setting, but eventually realized it worked better with the story.

I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I figured out from the start of the saloon scene the the prospector was Moloch. It was obvious with the fact that Barbos was outside and the the prospector's abduction earlier. I also hope there's some backstory between the Indian and the horse. I don't know how close people got to their animals back in the day but "I want to avenge my horse" doesn't seem like enough motivation to go after deadly alien forces.

All in all, it was a nice script. It set up the characters and situation well, and the settings and dialogue were believable and fit the story well. I don't know if it's the type of thing I'd watch if developed, but I've only read the pilot, and from an unbiased standpoint it was good. Now onto episode two.

Quoted from nextbigthing24

...the one thing that turned me off before even reading it was the fact that there were no act breaks.

That is because this is not a traditional series. But you are forgiven for not wanting to read 8 pages of comments :)

This is a feature-in-progress that I was releasing in pieces, more like a serial. I realized early on that there were a lot more than 120 pages of story here -- so that plan is to just toss all the parts that do not work later and paste everything together.

You will not find act breaks in the next one either, but I hope this explanation will excuse their absence.

Quoted from nextbigthing24

I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I figured out from the start of the saloon scene the the prospector was Moloch.

It is kind of telegraphed with the boots, but I suppose the scene can play out from either perspective, really.

Quoted from nextbigthing24

I also hope there's some backstory between the Indian and the horse.

Haha. Honestly, I have never, ever considered that. There are some flashbacks scattered throughout the story. I will have to consider that if something good occurs to me. This is the first time I have heard that his motivation does not stand alone as written. Hm.

Thanks for looking. I have dropped some comments on "Legacy" as well. Hope the second episode works for you. There is a late action and cliffhanger sequence that I am particularly fond of. Just consider yourself moving from the first act into the second act of a feature as opposed to looking for specific act breaks.

Wow.

Let me start off by saying that you damn well better be writing an episode 3, because I need to know what happens next.

You managed to take two genres I normally despise, and combine them successfully into one heck of a series.  In short, I basically loved everything about it; the developing plot arc, the characters, the dialogue (although admittedly a tad bit corny at times - mostly from Coyote).

I have to say that my absolute favorite sequence was the train.  The way you interwove all the action that was going on was beautiful and even though the sequence spanned several pages, it never seemed like it was going on too long, and the suspense was always there.  And killing Eleven (or I assume you killed Eleven)?   Wow.

I think the other thing I liked the most about it was that you created an arc that kept taking the story to new locations and different characters.  You didn't settle down in one place for too long, basically.  And with each new location came a new and exciting problem and a brand new character (that was, above all, necessary to the story).

Basically, I can't say enough positive things about this piece.  Normally, when I'm writing a review I jot down notes about things that bother me, but that just wasn't the case here.   Great, great job!

Quoted from dresseme

…you damn well better be writing an episode 3,…

Bert likes to make his readers beg.

Yeah I always liked this little series. As I understand, if I remember correctly, it was originally intended to be a trilogy. So I believe Bert already has at least some idea of what’s supposed to happen. I’m sure he’ll get around to it someday.

*(sniffle) I’ll wait for you Bert.*

Breanne

Hey Bert, i decided to jump on the Starbuck bandwagon! Great stuff. I've read the first episode and will get onto the second later. This has everything in it. I didn't read all the comments obviously because of the sheer volume. But i imagine it's all good over 4 years! Cheers man.

Hey Bert, just did the second ep. continued great entertainment! Only one question: I'm not sure how Conn and Eleven got from Coyote's nasty grip back to buck's camp so easily. one minute Eleven was being dragged behind a horse, the next she's free.
Apart from that, how long till Ep 3?

Just finished episode one. Bert, this is the bomb! What a great concept and great story telling! The characters are engaging and fun to read. I'd love to see this on TV! Heck, I might pay for cable if this was produced!

I just can't wait to read episode two!!

Boy, you sure like to leave people on tenterhooks, don't you?!? Well, pretty much everyone seems to be either dead, or on their way to being dead. That's what I call a cliffhanger lovers paradise!!! Again, most excellent on everything. Even with Elevens incredible physical abilities, she can still be bested by crude bandits. That's realism.

Now, episode three will be out when. . . .

Quoted from steven8

Boy, you sure like to leave people on tenterhooks, don't you?!?

Yeah -- apparently for years and years haha.

What happened is I very suddenly went from a place where I had lots of time to write to a place where I had very little -- right around the time this went on hiatus. I really need to get back to this. Nothing like renewed interest to generate a spark.

Quoted from Stevie

I'm not sure how Conn and Eleven got from Coyote's nasty grip back to buck's camp so easily.

I was never entirely satisfied with how that played out. In its final form, there will be something different there. Probably something involving a cliff.

Quoted from Brea

...it was originally intended to be a trilogy. So I believe Bert already has at least some idea of what’s supposed to happen.

Oh, many more episodes than that. And the entire story is laid out in treatment phase. I know where its going. Just gotta' get it there.

Quoted from Dressel

...the dialogue (although admittedly a tad bit corny at times - mostly from Coyote).

Yeah, but that is kind of by design, you know? And in the future, I will hook up with Z or Helio prior to posting for Spanish help. One lesson learned is that apparently you can not always trust on-line translators.

Quoted from Dressel

And killing Eleven (or I assume you killed Eleven)?

Sure looks that way, doesn’t it?

Quoted from Brea

*(sniffle) I’ll wait for you Bert.*

You are just the sweetest thing haha. I pinky-swear I will try to get something cooking with Buck and his crew this summer.

Thanks for looking, guys. Finding some new posts on this makes my morning. And I will try to catch up with some reciprocal reading as time (and Tanis) permit.

Bert, what's the deal with other stuff in the works? Spill your guts.
So far everything you've done has been consistent with me. I like it

Quoted from slabstaa

Bert, what's the deal with other stuff in the works? Spill your guts.
So far everything you've done has been consistent with me. I like it

Thank you for the vote of confidnce, slabby -- but I am not sure I understand the question....?

All of the episodes will undergo some revision and editing when I ultimately paste this together into a feature. Or two.

Just wondering if you had any other script ideas for other things.

Quoted from slabstaa

Just wondering if you had any other script ideas for other things.

Slabby, if ideas where dollars, I would have already retired to my beach house by now.

As would we all.

When I next find a batch of time free for writing, finishing up the adventures of Buck and his posse will be the first thing I pursue.

OK. You're a great writer I hope everything goes well.

Hello Bert,

Just finished reading your first episode.  Thought it was a very good read and well written.  You have that extra touch that distinguishes you from others on this site.

With over nine pages of comments to skim through I can see my trouser comment has been raised.

I would question how One would know the name of Barbos the cleaner.  But as it turns out it wasn't really the One.  Aside from that, I've no other queries.

I could never envisage a wild west & sci-fi mix.  Good job.

All the best,

Javier

Hey Jay -- thanks for looking and taking a moment to let me know what you thought. I appreciate it.

I recall the "trouser" comments -- and I really think that might play better on the screen -- but I can see why some might find it odd on the page.

As for the Barbos comment, it would make sense for Eleven to get a little suspicious at that point, wouldn't it?

I might just work that in someday. I was hoping to find some time this summer, but most of my free time has been spent with Tanis. In fact, I should probably get back to her now :)

Thanks again for your thoughts.

I loved this. I wish the ending was a little more drug out because it seemed like you could have made this into a 30 page script, and it seemed to me like you closed everything up a little fast. Maybe that was how you wanted it, though.

Thank you bangston, for taking a moment to let me know what you thought.

I realize 20 pages is a bit short, but the original plan was to have a series of quick, 20-page episodes.

Then I couldn't bring myself to split up the second episode -- so it turned out to be 40 pages -- and the lengths are just all screwy now haha.

I will continue periodic posting on this once the whole story is done so I do not get caught in this half-done trap again -- which totally sucks -- not sure when that will be, though.

If you got something you would like looked at, drop me a note -- though I cannot promise to get to it right away, I am pretty good about remembering to read stuff eventually. Thanks again for your thoughts.

bert,

Finally, 'Starbuck Starr' makes its way onto my 2004 model laptop. Woah, the laptop is older than the script.

As ever, your writing is so carefully crafted. It feels like you lovingly drop each word into place, as if completing a puzzle that will finally show [ENTER YOU BABE HERE].

Commenting-as-I-go. Kind of. I've just arrived at the late 1800s - lovely little opening. It feels like a 'Doctor Who'/'Back to the Future' hybrid to this point. Instead of sending Marty and his high-tops, we're sending a brute - resplendent with sausage fingers :) - and the shapeshifting Moloch. 'Doctor Who'-type shows/films have never really been of interest for me, but it is a breeze to read through this. Having said that, you've covered a wide spectrum of genres, so maybe I will find something in it for me.

It would appear that the foxy Eleven is a goner - shame, 'cos she sounded hot. No, she sounded HOT. Perhaps she will resurface..

Quoted Text

But her beauty is of the unpracticed sort, like that of a
teacher or a nurse passing through life forever naive of
their true radiance.

Lovely description. Aside from reading well, it paints a picture for me; so, effective as well.

Starbuck has made his entrance, and you have shifted gears a little. The confrontation between him and Moloch is fun and sets us up - presumably - for a lengthy battle. Definitely feeling less of a 'Doctor Who' vibe now.

Didn't really like this line:

Quoted Text

PROSPECTOR
AGH! What poison is this?!

It just felt a little too like spelling it out. His Kryptonite, I presume. In all fairness, you needed something, 'cos the battle wouldn't have been fair otherwise - even with Buck's lightening reflexes - but the revelation for Moloch could've been more subtle, I think.

Quoted Text

EMILY
Be careful, papa.
KIPPLE
Oh, yes. Most careful.
He pokes and prods with abandon, not being careful at all,
pushing every button he can find.

Lovely exchange. Amusing, too.

It struck me as odd that Buck was seemingly interested in Emily, 'cos I have envisaged him being mid-30s, and there hadn't been a nod to him being younger, which I now assume him to be.

Another pod? :) Maybe she is saved after all. You ended this in the perfect place, bert.

This is a very solid and entertaining script. Even though it's not the type I would normally dive into, you crafted something that makes me want me more.

Will get onto episode 2 shortly.

As ever, great work, bert.

Andrew

Ah, another read on my greatest, unfinished symphony. I do hope to see this story through to its conclusion before I die. Though not everyone believes that.

Quoted from Andrew

...the laptop is older than the script...

Ha. Just barely. And I do so like it when people mention word choice and craft. I do obsess -- dreadfully -- and it makes me a slow writer -- but I do think it is important, so thanks for the vindication.

Quoted from Andrew

Lovely description. Aside from reading well, it paints a picture for me; so, effective as well.

That's the passage you chose to quote? Andrew, I am not sure how to tell you that people hated that line. More than any other, perhaps. Just goes to show you can never tell, I suppose, but it might not make the cut on rewrite.

Quoted from Andrew

It struck me as odd that Buck was seemingly interested in Emily, 'cos I have envisaged him being mid-30s

Oh, now there is a good catch, and easy to fix. Thanks. I will be sure to clarify that. I do not want my hero looking like a total perv.

Quoted from Andrew

Another pod? Maybe you saved her after all.

Hmm.  Yeah, she is around, but you might not be too crazy about the end of episode two -- although I will refrain from spoiling anything.

What I will say -- (hopefully without sounding too Balt-ish) -- is that episode two climaxes with one of my favorite passages that I have ever written.  The runaway train.

Several times SS members have pointed to it as a good example during discussions of action writing -- and it may well be the best cliffhanger on the boards -- so I am kind of proud of it.  I hope it works for you.

As always, thanks for your comments, which come from a very thoughtful perspective as usual.  I was also amused, which is a nice bonus.

bert,

It is with relish that I return to this second offering in the SS series. As an added bonus, my team - Manchester United - won a game 5-nil a little earlier. This is after much doubting of the truly legendary Sir Alex Ferguson; now, I see you were - effectively, too - using English words in a different thread, - "bollocks" - so there is much pressure on you to be knowledgeable about the great institution of Manchester United, and the greatest 'soccer' coach there is/was/will be.

Anyway, I digress.

Really liked the way you intro'ed Emily's childhood, and seamlessly weaved it into the present day through her face. It's exactly the way I would visualise a TV series doing so - and I mean that in a complimentary sense. You gave a chunk of backstory - not too much - and then brought us bang to speed in the prison. The natural suspicion would've been to see the reintroduction of Eleven to start us off, but you kept surprise and suspense to that detail.

BY THE WAY, and before I forget, I simply cannot believe that people didn't appreciate your poetic description re:

Quoted from bert

That's the passage you chose to quote? Andrew, I am not sure how to tell you that people hated that line. More than any other, perhaps. Just goes to show you can never tell, I suppose, but it might not make the cut on rewrite.

Really surprised that was met with a negative, 'cos it read well and helped plot a picture in the mind. I am sticking with my convictions here; that was a terrific piece of writing - then again, what do I know.

Whether intended or not, this line:

Quoted Text

KIPPLE
Violence begets violence. It is
reason that will win the day.

Made me think of the Civil Rights movement, and the MLK vs Nation of Islam - and, I guess, particularly the media depiction of MLK vs MX. Irrespective, it definitely felt like you were weaving social commentary in here - I like that.

Also, another benefit of the opening sequence is that you've now contextualised Emily's brash and determined actions re: loading up with guns. Additional to that, we've now got a reason to care for Kipple, - with Emily stating he's all she has - 'cos the immediate assumption is that he saved her from possible death in the wagon. Quality writing with clear thought and depth - really nice work.

Conn's been introduced, and my immediate fear is that he may hog some of Buck's limelight. Now, if that's in a Luke Skywalker/Han Solo-type way, then that's good; if, however, it's not, then I do wonder if two characters will be jockeying for similar ground. We'll see.

Ahhh, so Conn is manoeuvring in on Emily, which is potential love triangle territory. Still unsure if these guys can co-exist. It does hark back to the LS/HS analogy, however.

Well, bert, you're opening a whole can of subtext whoopass - we have the Indians and the Cowboys, seemingly brought together to face down a common foe. A man of your intelligence must be teasing out the historical complexities purposefully here. There's a word I want to use here to summarise that thought, but it is - annoyingly - eluding me right now. Again, terrific work, and indicative of why you remain my favourite SS writer. Don't tell Robert, however ;) He's a terrific writer as well, though.

Anyway, enough talk from me - I am on page 11, so will just read and comment when done, 'cos this could become a beast of a comment otherwise.

Sorry, I just had to drop in a comment. I know we're getting to know the "team" in these opening 12 pages, but I do feel like we could have maybe a little more foreboding at the danger of Moloch. You know, something like them being spooked by a noise, or something to that effect, I just think it would keep that omnipresent fear factor around - that's something I feel needs to pervade your early story. That fear factor was reminiscent of the first season of 'Heroes', where you were acutely aware that Sylar could appear at any given time.

Eleven is literally springing into action re: page 14. This is my kind of babe, and fully deserving of that capitalised HOT. I obviously wouldn't say that to her face, however.

Oh, and maybe Eleven's arrival clears the path for a Emily/Buck romance, with Eleven being the natural partner for Conn. We'll see. Sorry, I just have this need to jot down my thoughts as I read, and I am not entirely sure how helpful, or interesting that is to read, but it may help show how the script seeps through another mind.

Quoted Text

CONN
And what is it again...Eleven?
That ain’t no proper name for a
filly like you. I think you’re
more of a...
(thinks on it)
...Ginger. You like that?

LOL funny! :)

Ahh, and now we have a presumable-Mexican. A real melting pot of American formation presented in this story. Very interested in your thoughts on what underpins this.

Coyote is after Conn for money a la Jabba.. Conn IS Han Solo. Is there a level of homage to Star Wars here, bert? :) Or am I just reading into this way too much.

bert, that was a great train scene. So much going on, and yet it never feels like too much is going on. I am visualising a really great action scene. The introduction of a human enemy like Coyote is a pretty smart move, and my hunch is that he will eventually become a pawn for Moloch.

You've left all of our characters in peril... BUT episode 3 is not - yet anyway - forthcoming. Mr. Newcomer, you need to address this.

Really nice work.

Andrew

Quoted from Andrew

I degress.

Indeed. When are you crazy brits finally going to accept that any form of football apart from the American version is utter bollocks? Haha -- I kid, of course -- lest I spend the rest of my days peeking over my shoulder whenever I hear the sound of approaching footsteps...

Quoted from Andrew

Is there a level of homage to Star Wars, here?

Now, see...this is why I consider your eyes to be amongst the strongest of the recent new batch around here.

Yes. Buck is Luke and Conn is Han. They will both have moments to shine and moments where they compete for the spotlight. And Emily is Leia. I cannot believe I have not been called on this before.

In fact, I would not even call it homage. It is blatant lifting of a well-worn formula -- but then, it is also a proven formula. And in my defense, where I am tweaking it is with the addition of Eleven -- a second female.

Eleven has no corresponding match in your analogy -- but as the story progresses, you will find that other characters play similar roles in the formula.

Quoted from Andrew

A real melting pot of American formation...very interested in your thoughts on what underpins this.

You know, it is kind of intentional, but honestly, I have to admit that I have not figured out exactly what I am trying to say here.

I am simply assuming that will emerge as my treatment works its way onto fleshed-out pages. That is the way such things usually work for me, anyways. It is almost organic, and as you type, you have little, "ahh...there you are!" moments, where you suddenly find opportunities to expand on some of the subtler things you are trying to do.

Quoted from Andrew

Don’t tell Robert, however. He’s a terrific writer, as well.

That guy is a fucking hack -- let's see if he is lurking haha -- but yeah, I have yet to be disappointed by anything of his that I have looked over.

Quoted from Andrew

But episode 3 is not...yet...forthcoming. You need to address this.

As I have mentioned a few times, the full treatment is done, but stuff always seems to come up. Right now I need to finish up with SoulShadows before I can fully concentrate on this again. I am a poor multi-tasker, and have a hard time focusing on more than one project, as I really need to immerse myself, you know?

Thanks again for your thoughts, including the things I have taken note of without actually commenting formally.

And best of luck on your travels, which sound absolutely marvelous. I envy you that. But steer clear of those Slovakian hostels -- I hear bad things.