Stormville by Helio J Cordeiro - Short, Western - Never, ever a general store was so general like that day! - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - pdf, format 8)

Hm...hm.hm.hm...

Well, I'll give it that it was wonderfully random and had several amusing situations as well as the current big chief of the board. The concept of Stormville and Rainville was clever and amusing as well. Very funny premise for the town.

But it also had no plot. There was a series of stuff that happened, but no discernable plot at all. In fact, it seemed to end too soon. I felt kind of cheated.

I think you could have taken this rather exceptional concept and done more with it. At the very least you could have finished the story. But hey, I gave you the good stuff first...

This was most bizarre!! Not sure where this was going at all.....  

SORT OF SPOILERS ***


The descriptions were very long. I think you could benefit by really cutting back a lot here to make this piece more fluid and concise. I noticed a few spelling mistakes too. I'll point them out as I go along. Your description of the general store is very vague and assuming. I would either describe it fully or not at all.

I don't think you're supposed to write "As the name says..." anywhere in a script. It's unnecessary. You could simply say that there is a storm to explain what's happening. I assume you mean tumbleweeds for your description of "dried bushes"? Just thought I'd let you know the appropriate word.

You said "three native Americans... it is impossible to tell because of the storm" - again, too wordy. If we can't see this is who or what you mean, then don't include it. Write only what we can see. I noticed this a few times in this short.

Spelling tip - helps a little pink pig saftely - change to piglet and safely, no 't'.

The sequence of the piglet's flashbacks were really ODD!! Kind of made me sad that part.

I know it's toilet humour, but I did chuckle at this in places. It's a sweet, yet gross piece due to the subject matter, but all in good fun... but a bit too short!!! I can't believe this little Tanuki keeps resurfacing on this forum. Interesting way to bring him to life there.... ;D

All in all, a very short piece which lacked a plot I think. I think it could benefit from a re-write and a some more depth perhaps? I see potential in this  ;)

Andy

Nice little story with oddball characters which conform to the western gene – just..

There's a lot going on in this story, some of the gags are very funny, both the visual and the dialogue..

PLOT SPOILER

Loved the little pig  - shame he came to a nasty end!

Your story does appear to be devoid of a conclusion.. I mean there is an ending as such but the choices you've made appear random rather than logical.. Decide on a much improved ending and you may be into something here.

You made use of a lot of capitalization in both scene descriptions and dialogue; if you reduce the need to do this in a new draft then it will benefit your script immensely.

Its always difficult to pull-off a MONTAGE in screenplays, personally I'm not a lover of them.. It works to a degree..  I’m just not in favor of INSERTS or MONTAGES, I reckon these can be described better as action without the need for capitalized headings.

I like the characters, as a collection of weirdoes but you need to develop them a bit more and maybe in a next draft you'll do that.. Loved the 3 Native Indians – cool..

Loved the jokes about the Irish Priest shitting his pants - laughed out loud on that one - must admit, this kind of humor appeals to my childish side.. There’s a lot of these amusing moments in this script – well done for that..

For a seven page script it does have a lot going for it. I would take onboard some of the suggestions from Andy, its always best to write descriptions in scenes of what we see rather than what the characters feel or what they may be doing as opposed to what they are actually doing.. If this doesn't confuse you.

Overall I reckon you captured the essence of the brief for this short western so well done for that.

Decide upon a better more believable ending and you might have something..

Well done..

Haha, a series of strange random events but it leads to nothing much indeed.
The General Store pun was good.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

Okay, I was reading this, and I have to admit I thought it was really stupid, untill, UNTILL, I got to the part where the pigs life flashed before his eyes.  That, that just made my day. Everything else, to be honest, really, it just, well, it did not float my boat, especially the pooing priest, thats just gross.  Anyway, remake this as odd as it was before, but get rid of the toilet jokes and the tanuki.  The pigf is gold.

I don't think i ever tilted my head so much in my life. Definitly not one of the best but i give you a 10/10 for the strangest on the board.

It was just... i don't know. But whatever you were trying to do i say good job.

And i have no clue who wrote this ??)

Yeah...not a real big fan of this one, I'm afraid.  But alot of readers seemed to enjoy the random nature of what was going on in Stormville, so I would encourage the author to give their comments more weight than mine.

I kept waiting for some payoff aside from the unfortunate problems the priest was having, but then the piece ended quite abruptly, with multiple plot points unresolved.

I guess I was hoping for a little more...substance.

Some of the dialogue is kind of funny, and the formatting and spelling are pretty good, suggesting that this is not a first-time author.  But then there is all of that pooping and vomiting.  I honestly have no idea what to make of this one.  I'll be very curious to see who wrote it.  

I've got an idea of who wrote this, but it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense based ont he writer's previous work, so I'll just keep it to myself for now.

First line. "As the name says, this is a place where the storm lives".  No it doesn't, it says Stormville.  Show, don't tell.

Typo - The thee are triplets.  

The priest's "problem", was very remniscent of scary movie two, to a certain degree.

I'll give you an A+ for the different spin on the Tanuki.  That was, by far, my favorite part of the script.

Overall, the whole story was really slapstick.

I'm pretty sure there's only one person around here who could write something this bizarre. I actually liked it, if only for the little pig and his montage. However, there isn't much resembling a story here and the toilet humor, while funny, isn't enough to carry this piece alone. It's just too random to make any sense of it. If I were you, I'd rewrite this and make the entire story about the pig. He was the best character :)

Actually now that i think about it.
I think i know who wrote this...

Are we allowed to guess who wrote each one?

I agree with every one on here about how it is so bizarre.

I've just one thing to point out about the poor piglet: to use an inoffensive animal as scapegoat of an unsolved plot is unacceptable.

Sorry, did not clear when I said "...scapegoat of an unsolved plot is unacceptable." I'd like to say instead "...spacegoat in order to make an easy emotional moment."

Helio, scapegoat was the correct word. No need to add a correction.

Okay, George, I'm sorry!

Hey now pardner, I may not be one fer the classroom n such like but that there script was not what i was spectin' to read bout my life in the wile west, cos it don't seem to grab me like the sheriff ah that there dustbucket town, and the gripes was funny but it didn't seem to matter none, but I'm sure you'll cum up wi sumpin a little more considered if ya take my meanin'!  

good effort but it lacked a little sumthing.

Quoted from bert Yeah...not a real big fan of this one, I'm afraid.  But alot of readers seemed to enjoy the random nature of what was going on in Stormville, so I would encourage the author to give their comments more weight than mine. I kept waiting for some payoff aside from the unfortunate problems the priest was having, but then the piece ended quite abruptly, with multiple plot points unresolved. I guess I was hoping for a little more...substance. Some of the dialogue is kind of funny, and the formatting and spelling are pretty good, suggesting that this is not a first-time author.  But then there is all of that pooping and vomiting.  I honestly have no idea what to make of this one.  I'll be very curious to see who wrote it.

X 2.  

This was a very strange script. It was funny but incoherent. The situations were constantly changing and growing more outrageous. I liked the oddball characters. Ironically, the pig seemed to be the most sane of the bunch. I liked the animal flashback as well. They don't have too many of those in movies. And, of course, what would this script be without the Tanuki reference?

All in all, a good script but try to keep it together next time. A plot would help ;).

First, I thought this story was about a young Clark Kent coming to terms with his super powers.  Then I realized I was thinking about Smallville.  Anyway...

I was disappointed when this story ended.  It seemed like the writer had a bunch of wacky characters and he threw them in a setting.  And then he ended everything.  I was impressed with the characters and the author's writing style and would like to see this as a full length story.


Phil

Pigs with emotions, a priest with the runs...this was by far my favourite, nice one brother!

Although this script was bizarre it kept me reading -- probably because of length. Seems the character were just thrown together. Need one here -- need one there. Should have thought about each one for five more minutes.  For a quick write it went well. It now needs direction, because there was none in this script. I agree, no plot. And a note. If the pig was now dead then the priest should be that much closer to lunch.

Spencer McDonald

Spacegoat sounds pretty good, though....


Phil

SpaceGoat, the master of universe! Hello, Mr. Lucas!

Well, I think I've received all comments and I'd like to thank you all!




By the way, a sequel is coming!

very interesting... unlike anything I've seen before.  It was delightfully random.  :)

Thanks Jay! Now go to the sequel in Shorts: Stormville Chapter I




My short scripts optioned:

The News (Australia)
The Soldier, the Child and the Dog (USA)
Buck's Burger (Austria)
Hello, Mr. Einstein (Australia)