The Dream Defenders by Lee Turner - Adventure - A good days monster hunting on Dreamworld soon becomes the very thing that could destroy Dream City.  Join Officer Dax MaCloud and Officer Chase Bullet, as the Dream Defenders prepare to defend Dream City from Chemica a mutated scientist and his huge army of monsters.  They've got only three things in mind, invasion, kidnap, and experimentation. - pdf, format 8)

Hi all,

This is my first attempt at a screenplay so...please be gentle.

I'm new to SimplyScripts so I'm going to make a start on this weeks unproduced, feel free to leave the name of your script(s) and I'll have a good read through and give you my comments.

I started reading this, Lee, and had serious problems by page twenty, or so....

Before I starte, why did you choose to set this story in America?  Why not Britain?  The reason why I ask is because thsi script was obviously written by a Brit.  An example of this takes place on page two when 'Mum' (a term of endearment that is not very popular in the USA) twlls her husband to 'turn the television over.'  Does this mean to change the channel or to turn the TV off all together?  This isn't as important as my first question regarding the location.

Two big problems I had regarded your pacing and your use of descriptions.  After reading twenty pages, I had absolutely no idea what this story was about.  And this isn't good.  Usually, an agent or professional script reader with stop reading at ten pages if the story doesn't hook them.  At ten pages, you still have Mum and Dad arguing/discussing whether or not little Joseph should be watching a crappy movie.  After twenty pages, I have absolutely no idea what's going on.  The opening sequence with the family could be reduced to two or three pages.  The dialogue in this sequence was way too long and was forced.

Regarding your use of descriptions:  Anything you write must be described in a way that can be recorded by the camera.  One page one, you write that it's time for every kid in the neighborhood to get ready for bed.  Do you actually expect the camera to film every kid getting ready for bed?

On page three, you use the phrase 'if looks could kill.'  Rather than this, you should describe it as Mom gives Dad a dirty look.

On page five, you summarize a story segment by saying, 'Dad quickly beckons Joseph to come sit with him on the sofa, Joseph scoots over.'  There should be dialogue with this.  While it may not be important to the scene, you can't condense it so.  This was done on more than one occasion in what I've read.

On page seven, you wrote, 'Mum does an impression.'  WTF does this mean?  I'm guessing this is a British colloquialism.  This means nothing in Americanism.  This, again, makes me wonder why this story takes place in USA when you live in UK.

Do the clocks in England use military time?  They don't in the US (for the most part).

On page 11, your header for the dream sequence is INT.  JOSEPH'S DREAM.  This should be INT.  OPEN PRAIRIE.  You should do it this way and somehow describe in your description that it's a dream.  On the same page, when you return to the sleeping Joseph's bed, you need to re-establish the header.  Just saying that he's sqirming in his bed isn't enough.

Your introduction of 'Dream-world' characters is wrong.  I thought that Dax was human looking when you introduced him because he didn't say otherwise.  When I read he was a blue elf, it completely through off my image of the character.

Your description of Dreamworld and Dream City (on page 13) are way off.  Don't explain major settings in such brief ways.  Describe them as the they are recorded by the camera.

The script is filled with problem descriptions where you tell us how a thing should be, rather than telling us what we see.  Moviemaking is a visual medium.  You have to describe this way.


Phil

Thank you for taking the time to read my screenplay Phil, it's much appreciated.  All comments made on the bad points are extremely important to me, they help me stop looking amatuer which I need to shake asap.

Why USA?

I believe both Dax and Chase would sound much better with American accents, deep south maybe.  So I set the inital part of the movie in the USA for continuity.

The family argument was one of those choices, can I let it go?  Well I can now, the decision is final.  I'll just have the story start with joseph on dad's lap watching the movie.

Pointing out the colloquialism was very helpful, I know most Americanisms but obvioulsy there are a few I've still to learn.

Now, my descriptions, I've described things that the audience can't see!!!, oops (Bows head in shame)  I'm going to get straight on that.

Military time, I chose that as The Dream Defenders are a military ran outfit, kind of.

I'll check out your work, Price Check On Film Noir first.

I think if you made it British, it would be better, as you're British.  The dialogue was too British.

While military time may be the way in Dreamworld, it's not how it's done in the Real world.

Describing things in ways that cannot be filmed is a common mistake here.  A lot of the newer people do it.  Just remember to describe things in ways that can be filmed by the camera.


Phil

Hi Phil,

I was just wondering did you like the actual story and the main characters?

I take it the formatting is okay as you haven't mention it, although I did use Toy Story as a guide so I hope it is.

Oh I read Price Check On Film Noir, there were plenty of comments about it so please don't think my post is a little thin on content, it was a little hard to write something that nobody else had.

I going to make a start on Pugumentary over the weekend.

P.S. What does too British mean, I'm just curious.

Too British?  You used British colloquialism that no one in America uses.  'Mum does an impression,' and 'turning over the television' are not common phrases here.

I'll be honest.  I only read the first twenty pages of the script.  If I find problems with the script, I stop at this point.  Usually thse problems will affect the entire script and need to be addressed.

Your bigeest problem was the pacing.  The scene with the family at the beginning was about ten pages long.  It easily could be cut down to three or four pages.  Reading ten pages of 'Mom, can I watch this movie,' is a little too much.  Most professional script readers judge your script on the first ten pages.  If you don't hook them by this point, your script ends up in the circular file.


Phil

I've taken the family thing out, I just got flowing and couldn't stop, one of my problems actually if it where up to me scripts should have to be a hundreds of pages long LoL!  Anyway, thanks for your help I have to go tweek.

Has anybody else got any other comments to aid me?  Like I said leave me the name of your work and I will give it a good read and comment the best I can.

Thanks

Lee,

Been reading this and I'm about 25 pages in.  So far, I like the premise, but at 25 pages in I should really be a quarter of the way through the script instead of about 15%.  This is in agreement to Phil's statement regarding pacing and an effective hook, and the extended family scene makes it difficult.

I think setting it in America is fine, you'll just have to lose some of the Briticisms, Mum especially.

Also, I can't figure out what genre it is.  You have it listed under adventure, told me it was a comedy, but I would call it a family film.

I've got some notes, but I'll drop everything into one post once I finish reading.

Yeah I completely agree with the extended family scene, way too long.  As I've told Phil I've now shortened that part right down now, the reader will now know what the hook is by page 2.

Regards the genre I'm thinking of (Adventure | Animated | Comedy | Family | Fantasy), the same as Shrek.

Hey Mike, thank you for reading it all the way through, your a good man, I need an objective opinion on the actual story the dialogue and the characters.  It's going to be refreshing aswell as nerve wracking to hear an experienced writers opinion of the overall package.

Thanks

Lee

Hey Lee,

Sorry for the delay between posts, but I've got this play coming up, and rehearsals have been eating up any free time that I have.  I read through this, and I see there have already been comments about format and what not, so I'll let those be.  However, I would suggest going back through this since you have a lot of typos.

First the characters:

Very well developed.  Each one had their own things going on, and their own distinct personalities.  So much so, that I probably could have read this without character names above the dialogue and figured out who was who.  The only thing that I didn't quite get, was Chase being so much older than Dax.  I think ii would have served his character better to be maybe a little bit older, but not as much as you've done here.

Setting this in the US, and having the characters speak with a southern accent, I think would be a mistake.  I just didn't get that feel from the dialogue.

Story wise, I liked the idea.  My one main beef would be in the middle between pages 70-100.  It seems to be a lot of Chase and Dax out in the jungle, with a few instances of Chemicsa in there to break it up.  I think you need to get Dizzy and the others back into the story a lot faster.  The best way to do this would be to cut some of the exchanges between Dax and Chase, especially since this is going to have to be cut considerably being at 138 pages as is.

The exchanges between Chemica and his monsters, and even Chemica himself, were just great, and I would have liked to have seen a little bit more of it.

Who's Captain Aero?  He just seemed to come out of nowhere.

As far as the beginning sequence with the parents.....it could be a British family.  The Dream Defenders do go all over the world right?

Overall, I liked the story, but as I said above, you should really work on keeping those secondary characters involved, and cutting out somewhere in the range of about 30 pages.

Good work.

Hi Mike,

I've been busy re-writing this sucker, and I've managed to trim it down to 118 pages so far.

Regards the accents of the characters, I've now decided on using the United Nations nationalities, like you say the Dream Defenders protect all the worlds children from monsters.  Dax is now has an English accent, Chase American, Ozzie German, the Dream Defender in the elevator Russian, to name but a few.

The good news is that I've now got roughly ten pages to loose, and shortening Dax and Chase in the jungle is a good idea, the bad news is how to get Dizzy and Chase's buddies back into the story earlier.  Now that's gonna be a noodle scratcher.

Once again I really appreciate your time and input as this is my first attempt at any kind of screenplay.  I've read a number of produced scripts so getting the format was easy enough, but wether or not I could write a script was a different matter.

But having read both yours and Phil's comments, it seems that I have a least potential to become a professional writer, so without further ado, I shall continue to practise the art.

All the best with your screenplay's present and future and hopefully I shall have another of mine up on SimplyScripts soon, so beware, I may have to pester you again (Only joking!!!!!)

Lee.