Behind the Gun (was Currently Untitled) by Ryan Nestor (yusuke007) - Drama - When the lives of two hitmen are destroyed, they must work together in their quest for revenge. 120 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well, this is my first script.  I used to write books here and there, but I decided to try this.  Please mind the formatting, I know it's bad, but please read it anyways. Thanks.

hey its great, altough there are a few parts missing, unless u left them out on purpose, lol
but i was wondering if you'd allow me to change it around a bit, and film it with a few of my friends. please let me know, so i can start. once again this is a great story, with a bit of tweeking. where did you get the idea for it?

--Dan

email:Ueafafreek@aol.com

I'm getting ready to read this, but I thought I'd let you know that the format isn't THAT bad compared to other scripts. I don't know why it got such a bad format grade...

Anyway, I'll post my review soon if you go read someone elses screenplay...no one else will read your screenplay, apart from Freek up above me, if you haven't read AND left a few good reviews on some other screenplays...

-Landon

Thanks for the advice, Landon, I'll get started on that now.

This is my first attempt at a long review, so you?ll just have to take it or leave. :-)

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You use transitions like CUT IN. and FADE IN. at the start of every scene I?ve seen so far. Transitions in a reading script are usually frowned upon unless they are really necessary. The only transition you should use is FADE IN. at the beginning of the screenplay, and FADE OUT. At the end.

Also, when you right scene headers, or ?slugs,? you don?t write ?EXT. SOME PLACE.? You would write
EXT. SOME PLACE ? DAY/NIGHT (Whichever it is.)?

Another thing you do is when you write a characters name right before their dialogue, you write ?SO AND SO:? Leave the : out and just write their name.

Right under the characters name when you write ?(Not taking his eyes off the road)? or something like that?don?t over use these so much. You tend to use them for every piece of dialogue.

One last thing! When you introduce a new character in the screen play, write his name in all CAPS.
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As far as the story goes, it was pretty good. I pretty much enjoyed it. It seems more like a movie that you?d see on a Sunday afternoon on TNN or something like that?he he.
It needs some work in the format area, and I pointed out as much as I could up above.

I'll give this?

7 out of 10

Good luck on all future writings!

Well, the reason that it ends with the f- bomb is because that's not the ending, there are three pages missing from the script, i guess when i made it a pdf from final draft, it cut out the pages sorry.  I can email them to anyone who asks.

It didn't feel like the ending, but I really didn't know, ha-ha.

Well, its a good ending, but a bit to fast on the rundown.. i think Riziti should fight more, not just get shot, as strong a charecter as she is, its too easy a death. Bassillions death was perfect though. Hall, should have survived, maybe a scene in the hospital recovering, or something, maybe put in some passion he liked, and then show him doing it during the end narroration. but thats all just my opinon. This was  greatt scripts. i wouldnt be surprised to find it (ors something frighteningly simmiler,) on the silver screen soon.

Well, the thing I tried to do with Riziti was show how weak she really was with no one protecting her.  And Hall's death was, I think, needed cause his family died and whaty not, so he really didn't have much more to live for, keeping him alive would be torment.  But thanks for thinking Bassillion's death was perfect, I thought it was a fitting end for his character, and thanks for reading, hurry up and write something so i can read it.

Hey Ryan this is Rich just finished the script and i must say that i really like your writing and i enjoyed the ending too. When it comes to critiques the only problems are basically covered by Rapture. Can't wait to read another one from you NESQUIK. To all who read the reviews before reading the script, this one is a MUST READ!!!

RICH

I haven't finished the whole thing yet but it is fantastic! I don't know why but I could really, really see this as a movie. Ellis reminds me of Ellis, Sigourney Weaver or Susan Sarandon as Riziti and Keifer Sutherland and Michael Keaton as the two guys, and Laura Ramsey as Veronica. Very good.

I can't WAIT for your new stuff, you said you were a writter, do you have a book out?

Ryan

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Alright, I finished...great! I really do agree with the other posters.

Thanks everyone so far for the reviews, it helps me a lot, and no I don't have a book out.

Alright, I FINALLY finished it and it was great. However, as I said that I agreed with the other posts I have to say this was original. And thats hard to do in this genre. I really liked how you didn't have to make it a gore-fest with an F word in every sentence. But, I felt like you have to pick one way or another, in some parts where it could have been a little more violent or in some scenes where you actually should have used the F word you didn't. It seemed as if you were supressing it like it was PG-13 while in other scenes you went on out and wrote it. As I said, it is good that you didn't curse a lot to make it like most in its genre. I just feel that you should pick what you want to do, a PG-13 or a R. I strongly feel that you want it to be an R, I just think you need to in some scenes you shouldn't supress things as much compared to others.

Write more stuff!!!!!

P.S. Randy reminds me of Djimonu Huston (probably spelled that wrong) and Sam as Kane, that guy who is gonna be in See No Evil...and everyone thinks I'm crazy for writing this  :) !!!!

"When life gives you AIDs, make LemonAIDs."
-Sarah Silverman in Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic

Thanks for the input. Come to think of it, when I wrote the script, I never really thought about what rating I wanted. R would probably be better, but I'm in the middle of a new script now, and I should be done in a month, so the rewrite on this one will have to wait. And by the way, anyone got any good titles for this script, because I can't think of one at all.

What about:

A Time to Start or Time to Start


Now I would think of Bruce Willis as Hall and Naomi Watts as Veronica, again, you think of me as insane.

What is your new one about?

It's a start, but I really need something that appeals to the story itself.  Thanks for the try.

I stopped reading this on page 5 or so.  I don't care how great it might get, but I wouldn't get there because you've got to fix up your format. Huge paragraphs, camerawork, too many rileys and dialogue shouldn't be done with character: <no colon. Sorry if I sound like a bastard but I think people should know what a script looks like before they try and write one.  Also, 143 pages?

I'm really sorry you feel that way, unfortunately, i've been busy and haven't had time to fix it all.  I just don't understand how you can be bothered by : after a character's name.  And how 143 pages could bother you?  When you write something, you just let it flow, no matter what it is, it's your opinion whether or not you want to read it. When i get some time to fix it, I'll fix it, and if you haven't read the posts before you, I already know that I have to fix them, so I'm sorry that I sound like a bastard, but if a few minor details bother you, than don't read it, plain and simple.  And rymatt, the script is under the drama section of the unproduced scripts.

Greetings. A few thoughts on formatting from someone with absolutely NO background in film or any of the arts for that matter. I read a little about how to format then bought Final Draft so I didn't have to think about it while writing.
Yes, proper formatting is absolutely essential if you expect an industry person to read your script. So are proper front and back cover, the correct brass brads, etc..
But frankly, that is all mechanical stuff. All the spit and polish in the world won't change a bad story into a good one. Personally I ignore all that stuff when reading an unproduced script unless it is distracting.
Just my opinion. I could be wrong. (tip of the hat to Dennis Miller)
Haven't read your script yet but it's on the to-do list.
                                           Rich B.

I understand that the story is important too (of course) but I think the story and formatting go hand in hand for a script.  The better the format, the better the read.  Also, 143 pages is OK for a 1st draft but you've got to shorten it.  I'll read the rest.

yo...i read it, and i give it a B. you range from really great dialogue to really corny dialogue. and what wegmann said above. it isn't that he was being impolite, but rather he was being truthful. an exec would toss your script in a heartbeat, no offense, but ":" can be annoying to some people. and the exec wouldn't even consider being polite about it at all, no matter how good the story is. wegmann said it best: the better the format, the better the read. it's just the way it is all run though. however keep up the good work. i think ima read it again.

Considering the positive reviews this script has received I was reluctant to post a reply. Reluctant because I don't want the forum to get the impression that I enjoy writing bad reviews. But I must give an honest opinion. Check out my replies to EXPECTING and AMERICAN DREAM. I liked them. That said.......

(1) I feel this script could be about half as long and still tell the story without losing anything interesting. For lack of a better word, it rambles.
(2) The dialogue is unbelievable. It's like a Japanese movie poorly dubbed in English.
(3) Lots of inconsistancies. Example: Veronica says she never achieved her goal to play pro tennis because she had to care for her dying mother. But later on she's going to play in the French open. ??????
(4) In order to write a believable script the writer must have a working knowledge of anything he puts in the story.

The bit about jamming a semi-auto pistol by pushing back the slide is true. I know. I checked with a cop friend.

Heller says the call on his cell phone, which interrupted the meeting, was from a telemarketer. Have you ever gotten a call from a telemarketer on your cell phone? I haven't, nor anyone I know. That's because telemarketers call numbers that are listed in phone directories. Cell phones are not listed.

If Sanitori was late with his payment to the mob, be it a loan or extortion, they wouldn't whack him. It's bad business. He can't pay up if he's dead. Instead they would make him sign over his restaurant and work off the loan. Of course they keep raising the interest so he's trapped forever. Ref: Sopranos, et al.

All in all I thought this script was hastily written and sloppy.

Well, I have to thank you for the comment.  It made me relize that I forgot the first rule of writing, 'write about what you know.'  But, I have to tell you that telemarketers do call cell phones, I've ahd it happen a couple of times.

Telemarketers may occasionally call cell phones, but only if the cell number were used in some way that the telemarketers can get ahold of it, such as credit card application or contact number for a magazine subscription. Basically, it has to be given to someone first.

Also, it is still illegal for a telemarketers to call cell phone numbers since they can't call any number in which the recipient of the call can be charged for the call. Therefore, the quickest way to end a telemarketer call on a cell phone is to say "You called my cell phone." That'll kill it pretty quickly.

I noticed that you used this as a device to get someone out the room. Might as well make it an important call that would last a few pages rather than one that would be resolved almost before Heller walks out the door.

This telemarketer bit is an example of what I meant by "hastily written".

I'm guessing you wanted the call to interrupt the meeting and get Heller out of the scene then realized he was gone for a long time so you added the bathroom explanation. That's a simple fix but not very imaginative.

Let's ignore the fact that a guy like Heller's boss wouldn't tolerate his underlings leaving his meeting for a personal call. So, who might call a hitman unexpectedly? Bookie? Hot tip at the track? One of his woman having thouble with an ex? Lots of possibilities better that telemarketer.

I think he would look at the caller's number but not answer. Turn the phone off out of respect for, or fear of, the boss. He can lie about who called and contact him later.

Like I said, just a small example. But they all add up.

I'm probably going to sound like an ass for this criticism but here it goes:

1. The dinner conversation is way to dark and depressing for two people on a first date.

2. There are a lot of hit men stories being told, and this one wanst that original or interesting.

3. I didnt think any of the characters were that interesting, and we dont get to know what makes them tick.

4. The dialouge was trying too hard.

5. The title was good, but the story not so much.

You know what? You're absoultely right, back to the drawing board.