Diabolical Fishing by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - The devil has many faces to show us foremost when we are feeling like a crap person. 17 pages - pdf, format 8)

It now will not gain the best number ever, 0!
Now was reviewed by his creator!

This has the best Title evwer helio, i think i'll give it a read some time tonight or tommorow.  For sure by saturday

Great BigHig! Be free to criticizes it as you whish! Is a pleasure!

SPOILERS

Okay Helio, this lost me a bit, but after reading your log line I can figure out that jake is the devil--right?  Then there are a few things that did not make too much sense, like the letters, they would have dissolved in the water, and unless I'm mistaken, you don't really need them.

I'm still a bit unsure about just the general plot.  Why did these things happen, did jake have a plan of some sort?

Anyway, I'm sure if you explain a few things and pace it better, this will be a nice, clever peice of work.  Nice job helio.

Thanks BigHig for you comments .

Jack is realy the devil that helps all ghost from the past to get back their belongs and he uses the trunk to capture all the victims. This a type of cursed trunk. Yes about the letter maybe them weren't necessary but I used to increase the pieces that will be asked by the ghosts.

Intersesting story, I liked the premise, but I got kinda lost near the end, but looking back on it it makes a little more sense.  One thing I didn't get was who jake was until I read what higgonaitor said, I didn't know that Jake was the Devil, and I also agree with the part about the letters, I don't think you need that.

I had a few problems with some of the dialog, it felt kinda off. like when george says "I'll give up that shit fishing life", that just didn't feel right to me, Plus basicaly all of page nine, all that dialoge felt odd.  when George says "oh shit!  who is this"  I think it would sound better if he said "who the hell could that be"  or something like that.  and when Don and Jake want to come into the house and george is like" I have to go out now, lets go for a drink." and don says "okay sounds like a good idea" that just din't work for me, maybe you could create some tension with the don and Jake peering through and seein the trunk, then George would have to think on his feet trying to figure out a way out of that, but that's just a thought.

you also say george a lot when he is all by himself, once you've established that George is alone you can use the word he, but I noticed by page 6 that you started to do this, but on page 4, every sentence started with "George".

on page 10 i think you ment "lightning" instead of lighting, and when it says trough the window I think you ment through, but those are minor mistakes.

All in all I think this was a good effort and it had a lot of idea's, I just think it needs a little more explanation of what is really going on.  keep up the good work.

Three words. What the fu*k?!?!

Helio you are being known as the weirdest writer. haha. And that is a good thing. This script was good and i enjoyed it. Yes there are some problems that the other reviewers stated but it was a good read. Good job!

9/10

2: Your first slug is "Further along the river bank." Further than what?

"a gold ring with a D in relief." Don't knwo what to make of this.

4: You describe George's house and then he has a neighbor who complains about noise? What kind of house is this? I pictured a house in the midst of a large yard where to bang on the wall, the neighbor would have to jump the property line fence.

6: Might want to describe this trunk. Say how big it is and the shape. I have a clue of the typical, but it could use some help.

He says "Great shit!" but I don't quite understand whether he's happy about this trunk or not.

7: The POV of George's empty spot. Really not necessary.

10: "He's my old friend George" I don't understand this line and how it fits in.

12: How do the guys know about the lady with the cut? She didn't appear until after George got home the previous evening.

13: Why throw the trunk in the tub and burn it? Doesn't make sense. Nothing has been said to indicate that owning the trunk has anything to do with the visitors.

16: Why would the Arabian kill George? How dows he know him? Why does he have Don's ring? Need a lot more on these spirits and why this is going on. The next scene says that the two fisherman were charged with murder. It only continues to the question of How did the Arabian get Don's ring?

I don't understand the ending. How does this child relate to what went before?

I think the idea is good and it has some promise, but the execution is lacking. We know very little of the pair who watches George besides that they fish. They could use a little more development. George seems to be all right, although I would have liked to know a little more about the woman in the picture.

The actual activity that goes on with the spirits taking their stuff back is clever enough and the screams from the tub is bizarre. The spirits need more explanation and reasoing as to why this is all going on.

You need to work on your descriptions to make them mroe concise and descriptive. A lot of them are downright confusing and very difficult to follow.

On dialogue, watch people talking to themselves. It's a shaky device that doesn't always work too well. Try to show emotions and intentions through their actions rather than throgh dialogue. Also, use profanity sparingly. Not only is it annoying to read, it gives your characters a negative characterization and fills up the dialogue with unnecessary words. Dialogue should be concise, and profanity adds nothing to it. Explicatives are ok, but to use it to the extent it is here not only confuses the meaning of a lot of phrases, but it gives you an "R" rating on an otherwise "PG" script.

I think this is a good start, but you can do a lot more with it.

AFTERTHOUGHTS: After reading some of the other reviews on here, the idea that you put forth that Jake is the devil and he helps spirits get their things back or whatever was not in any way put forth in the script. If this is somethig you want (need) to get across, it needs to be a lot clearer in the reading.

Thanks George. As usual you and your detailed reviews. Yes you are right about every point exposed here.

Happy is the writers that have their wrok reviewed by you, man!