The Wretched Woe by Steven R. Scheer - Thriller, Horror - Richard Humphrey is a detective in the midst of the most important case he's ever had, chasing a serial killer who calls himself "The Wretched Woe". He struggles to keep his personal and professional life separate as he tries to come to grips with his shortcomings and the death of his wife. However, he still maintains that he knows what he has to do to make everything right with the world again. Warning: Screenplay displays explicit themes, and graphic violence that may be offensive to some, if not all. 115 pages - pdf, format 8)

I started reading this one, and ran out of smokes. I'm making notes as I go. I'll be back to this one in about ten minutes...


So far, though...



SPOILERS

I like the idea of it being set up in a basement. The wretched woe is a creepy looking guy, but I think he'd be a lot creepier if we didn't know what was going on inside his head. Instead of having him say they are only there for his amusement, just have him turn and go up the stairs.

I'll be right back to this one.

Hey Steven,
I just finished reading the script.
You have a nice story here, but there is too much dialogue. There was one whole scene that didn't have any description in it at all just two people talking. On page 17 King has almost a whole page of speech. One page is equal to one minute of time on the screen. There should be things happening. You may see this in your head as how the actors are moving while they speak, but it is not clear to the reader.

This could turn out to be a very grizzly piece if you concentrated on action and what is happening at that time.

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***SPOILERS***

You should describe the girls. Age? Are they clothed? Naked? The reason I asked if they are naked is because on page 10 he rapes her. That scene should also be longer. It's all over too quick, him beating, strangling, raping her, and burning her with an iron all within in a matter of seconds.  
The wretched woe, such an evil guy. As for the opening I would just describe him and have him sit in front of Kate staring at her. I would cut his dialogue where he says she is just there for his amusement. Just have him get up and leave. I think it would be scarier if we didn't know what was going on inside his head.
The girls introduce themselves to each other like they have just met on the street.
Maybe have Donna try to console Kate. Kate just got there, she is scared. Donna has been there for a while.
On page 9 you say a cart of weapons. What kind of weapons? Or did you mean to say a cart of tools? What kind of tools?
On page 44 you need to show a passage of time from when woe goes up the stairs until he comes back. Maybe show the empty stairs, then the girls looking at each other, then woe can come back down with Gwen.
When a flashback is over simply use END FLASHBACK.
On page 53 the cop says they tested the blood and it was Kate's. I surely hope no doctor has my blood on file somewhere. You might want to change that. Maybe Kate has a rare blood type that checked as the same.
Page 86 The way you have this written, McCaffrey, Jenny and the bar are all in Humprey's kitchen.

I wasn't trying to be harsh here. Just trying to help. I believe it is a good story, but you should concentrate on cutting dialogue and on showing a lot more action.

Cindy


    

Revised script here: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-thriller/m-1153866039/s-new/