Loch Ness by J.P.S. (et) - Short - Griffin Jenkins must learn that there is no such thing as the Loch Ness Monster. 10 pages - doc, format 8)

Okay just lookin through this. Since i couldn't stand the Freddy Versus Jason Script.

So is Natalie dating a Family member, because Mike has the same last name and usually there related. So i kind of found that disturbing,

                                              GRIFFIN
                              I said through the seventh seas with this bad girl.

Do you mean?

                                             GRIFFIN
                             I sailed through the seventh seas with this bad girl.

And please fix the thing where griffin says Now Mike you take car of my granddaughter. Instead of CAR you spell it CARE.

Dude the thing where he says in the mattress and she says Do you mean the Matrix. I laughed my ass off.

Well dude i loved the police thing, but in the beginning there were a few mistakes. But i loved the short, made my morning.

Thanks. I think I rushed a little of the script. I'll try to fix the script/spelling errors. Natalie is suppose to date Mike, but they are not suppose to be brothers/sister. Thanks for the feedback.

ET

A few typos here and there but you already knew that eh?

the story is okay, heavy on the sight gags (think Airplane)

loved the grandpa character though.

a fun read read if nothing else.

brion

The script has potential, but it does need a lot of work.

SPOILERS----------


The Good
-Good part with the fonker.
-Griffin’s a very colorful character.

The Bad
-Never have actions longer than five lines.
-So are Natalie Jenkins and Mike Jenkins brother and sister and dating each other? If so you need to make a point of that, because that is a very odd relationship.
-This passage of dialogue makes no sense to me. I get the point, just should be re-worded, “No grandchild of mine is a this so called ‘clumsy.’
-“I said through the seventh seas with this bad girl.” – I guess you mean, “I sailed through the seventh seas with this bad girl.”
-The flashback should be described even more. Where is Griffin and what is he doing with his boat and how old was he at the time. That kind of thing.
-On page five you have “car” instead of “care”
-Many people have said music cues aren’t necessary.
-Was there any message or point that was hidden in the script, because I didn’t see it.
-Mike has two speeches the entire script; I think it would be a good idea to have his part be a little bigger. He seems like a flat character.

This could be a very interesting tale, but it just needs to have a meaning or point to it.

Good Luck.