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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Action/Adventure Scripts  /  Octagon
Posted by: Don, April 15th, 2006, 8:18am
Octagon by Daniel Robinson - Action - An ex-Marine loses his job and starts fighting to make money for his family until his wife finds out and things get hectic. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: leanordjenkis, April 24th, 2006, 11:00pm; Reply: 1
Boy, where do I begin.  You have major problems with your short.  First of all, it's way too short.  Eleven pages is not even near enough to tell a story like this.  The payoff isn's a payoff at all.  It's just an ending.  You set up the fact that that he needs money and magically he peaks inside a building and magically, there's an octogon and magically.... You see what I mean?  There is not a single drop of tension throughout the script.  The only buildup or tension point is the kidnapping of his family but even that is badly written.  You need to establish as many barriers for your main character as you can and let him solve them.  A kidnapped family and them magically being there that night and the main character getiing out of it by kicking the s**t out of everyone is not a payoff.  It's a chidlren's book ending.

Sorry if I'm harsh but maye it will help you in a re-write.
Posted by: Daniel_Robinson, May 6th, 2006, 10:48pm; Reply: 2
Thanks for the comment.

It is still a work in progress and thats what this place is for.

Posted by: masaro, January 1st, 2008, 3:15pm; Reply: 3
The only thing interesting about this script is the title.

1: Your wife does not come down for breakfast and tell you to get to work because you need money for the mortgage without so much as saying good morning.
2: Your boss does not fire you on the spot without so much as a verbal or written warning.
3: You do not walk around in the middle of the day to find a mixed martial arts event taking place in a warehouse with the back door open.
4: If you did happen to find this going on, I seriously doubt they would let random passers by jump in the cage and fight in their shirts and ties.
5: They would certainly not give you $1000 for it.
6: I'm quite certain that your main character was not important enough for Tony to go to the trouble of kidnapping his family.
7: I sure I could find more problems with this script if I read it again.

Whilst this script is poor in every sense of the word, the idea is not bad.  Mixed martial arts is becoming extremely popular through organisations such as UFC and PRIDE.  You could write a "Rocky" styled script where your main character faces hardship throughout his life and tries to make it as an ultimate fighter?  Just an idea but you must find originality, and please; do not allow your main character to come home in the middle of the afternoon to find his family kidnapped with a note saying "fight, or else".

All the best,
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