Season of the Devil II by M Bowman (scoob) - Horror - Picking up exactly where the original left, survivors Father Keane and Kerry Price find themselves on a desolate track that leads to a cemetary. Finding help from the mysterious Kane Rinson, the two soon realise that the nightmare is far from over. It has yet to begin... 134 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting this Don so quickly - I only sent it in last night!
I hope everyone that reads this enjoys it, this is the first draft.

I gave you a read, Scoob. I guess that's redundant considering I'm leaving a comment. :P

SPOILERS

The first scene needs some sort of description. It took me forever to figure out where they were. The slug is EXT. VIADUCT, but parts read like they are out in the open in a field, there is a description of a man hole cover, which I know can be in the middle of no where (I have two in my yard), and other parts that imply that they are either in a tunnel or can see a tunnel. Riley was trapped behind the cover, but this other guy walks out of the tunnel. Need to know EXACTLY what you're seeing with this opening scene.

Your time lapse should be written as SUPER: One Hour if the time lapse is to be indicated that way. Otherwise, just use a secondary heading as LATER if within the same scene or LATER with a new slug if the scene changes.

The Dream Sequence: another formatting comment. As much as you hate to give it away, you've got to slug this section with more than "DREAM SEQUENCE." Depending on how this area is to be used further in, EXT. DREAM WORLD could work as well as anything, especially if the place is rather fluid in nature shifting without warning.

"The comment goes over Jim's head. Either in ignorance or idiocy." -- Careful with the unfilmable telling stuff. You need to read through a lot of your descriptions to make sure you're not writing stuff the camera can't capture.

Occasionally, Jim's name isn't capitalized.

Jim says: "We're there. I didn't notice it before, but we are here!" I didn't understand this.

EXT. WOODLAND -- White smog? So are we passing into industry or something. After all, smog is not a natural occurrence. Fog is.

How can midnight be heard?

EXT. GRAVEYARD -- Kerry's line: "You mean you were drunk out you're mind whilst performing the ceremony?" -- I think you can see the problem here.

EXT. WOODLAND -- intro of the baddies. I get the intro, but I'm hoping the rabbit plays some part in the bigger picture.

INT. CRYPT -- just a typo -- "As the three are eventually helped out of the small LAUNDY shoot-like tunnel," Perhaps, laundry?

You're vs. your is becoming an issue in the crypt. Might be worthwhile to examine that.

INT. CRYPT -- the next time it comes up. "Kerry and Father Keane, sat together by the corner of..." Always use the present tense in description.

Um, why is Kerry taking charge? She just arrived and has no clout among the others who regard Kane as their leader, though self-proclaimed. If she tries to take over, she won't get support. We'll see how the scene plays out, but she hasn't really been there long enough to get a feel for anything, and his caution of them is well-justified.

The descriptions in here are getting very novelistic...which is not a good thing, since while it is a pleasure to read, you can't film any of it.

"Kerry nods a yes, afraid this psycho might kill him." Uh, Kerry's still a girl, right?

"Father Keane attempts to grab Kerry from Keane's hands and he releases her, making her grab her and hold her although she is not hurt bad." This sentence is a mess. Make sure it says what you want it to say.

EXT. GRAVEYARD PERIMETER -- Surely you knew someone would bust you on this. "The perimeter fence is (x) feet high and (X) foot wide." Just say what you want the fence to look like and the production company will change it anyway. No need to give the freedom of X.

First, please do a find and replace on Seargent. It is spelled Sergeant.

"Seargent James, in a well decorated army uniform holding a shit load of victory badges..." Military personnell don't wear their shtloads of victory badges in the field. They wear (in the case of the Army) their battle dress uniforms, or BDU's, which contain only their name, rank, a patch designating their home base, and sometimes (rarely) a patch indicating an aspect of their postion (usually airborne or infantry).

"Before Colonel Haden Askins can finish his speech, a line of wire is shot straight into his forehead and out through the back." I would need more description of this wire thing. I'm sure it's terribly cool, but I don't get it entirely. What kind of wire? Where did it come from? How would this look on screen exactly?

"Standing a long distance away, in a line, is the three demons." This would read "ARE the three demons."

"Shots begin to become quite..." What?

"Human heads falling like acons," Maybe acorns?

EXT. FOREST -- I initially understood this to be two soldiers sitting in a tree, but then they were looking into rifle barrels and four soldiers looking down at them. I don't understand where they are really. Maybe just as well to not have a new slug for this since the prior descriptions placed them at the edge of the forest.

EXT. GRAVEYARD PERIMETER -- The sign of Sowen. You might want to describe this, since a Google search for it turned up little in the way of trying to visualize it. I found a wheel, but not sure if that is it or not.

INT. CRYPT -- Kane says, "But it's a cat and chase game." I think it would be a cat and mouse game.

You mention Bill, Jennifer, and Eric piled on top of each other twice.

"Taking Kerry's chin in his hand and forcing it as much as possible, Kane smiles." Forcing her chin to do what?

Kane says, "I was in the army for nearly twenty years." Earlier, he said he was in the Army for twenty-two years.

"We were offered security, in a job where you can loose your life at any time, that kind of deal is a good one in my book." Whoa, I don't understand this at all. One thing is I think "loose" should be "lose." The rest of it sounds like the speech of a lunatic, but those should make some measure of sense. I think maybe there's something else missing here.

"You're fete is in the ceremony of death." Huh?

PART 2

MORE SPOILERS

INT. CRYPT

The chamber is a large and darkened room, lit only by a
selection of burning torches placed upon the surrounding
three walls.

The chamber is a tall and spacious room,  the walls stone
built, the floor has stone tiles.  Adorning the walls are
large flags with the Sowen symbol, eerily laminated by the
torches.

This is kinda poetic with a bit of a bounce to it, but not entirely appropriate for screenwriting. You need to work on describing this room more economically as it goes on after these paragraphs too.

EXT. GRAVEYARD -- "his eyes pierce ferociously" I'm sure this is a cinematographer's nightmare.

"A gaze has appeared over Witch's eyes, as if in a trance." -- You're obviously very much into your story at this point, which explains the descriptive overkill, but remember to show, not tell. There have been a host of these instances throughout, and I think the point has been made, so I'll let it go from here on out.

Jim says, "I don't like to be treated like I'm a fool." Not sure how the good Sergeant did this...

"Jim slight his eyebrows..." ?

"Looks like the other two have the hump with that guy..." I'm sure this is a vernacular saying of some kind, but I don't understand it.

INT. CHAMBER -- A few things in this scene that bother me. Number one, although I understand why, leaving Carly, a pregnant girl, to die whle saving their own skins hurts their characters. It would be better for her to die first, or at least be in the clutches of death, before they make their escape. Then, it wouldn't reflect so poorly on them.

Second, Jamie and Carly die, but their characters are very thin. They haven't been revisited at all since the conversation a long time ago. It would be useful if they were conscious for this whole thing and converse with Father Keane and Kerry to remind us of who they are and what's at stake for them. Maybe Jamie was wanting to be a good father. Carly wants the best for her child and wants to fight for it. For them to die in silence like cattle assigns them little more than feelings for cattle. We need to remember these people before they die. You've had enormous opportunities to this point for development for them. You need to use it wisely.

The betrayal is definitely bizarre. I didn't see that coming.

EXT. POWER PLANT -- "The tunnel must have smelt that bad." I know I said I wouldn't, but we have no way of knowing this.

EXT. POWER PLANT - UPPER TIER -- "We aren't going to survive are we." -- that's the third time Kerry has asked. Why?

EXT. POWER PLANT - TOP

First, you say, "Goblin begins to walk towards Jim." Shortly thereafter, you say, "Goblin proceeds to walk towards Jim." These mean the same thing. Continues would be good. Doesn't stop would be better.

And done.

The ending was ok. I think the way it all worked out was appropriate and made sense, but you have two main characters, Keane and Kerry, who did nothing to achieve this ending. A better ending to involve the heroes would be for Keane to get the medallion from Jim, who does not want to relinquish it, toss it to Kerry who is about to get stomped by the Goblin. She slips it around his neck (something that would be learned just before this), The guards are already firing on the Goblin for killing their comrades, so then their bullets would take effect. Jim could be frustrated and then get hit by lightning. Same ending, but involves our heroes a but more. Just a thought.

The biggest weakness in this is that the main characters do almost nothing for the bulk of the plot. You have what amounts to a character drama playing out in the crypt, and for this to work, it's got to be intense and you've got to build those characters up so we care about them. Right now, they interact, but they're still left flat. The first one was an intense gore fest, and this one changes gears, but not necessarily in a bad way. You just need to play up and use what you have here. The Kane/Kerry conflict is okay, but it can be intensified. Maybe he could kill Bill (oh, haha) since Bill plays no role in the bigger picture. We don't know then that the others (except Kerry) are important, so it would create a very tense atmosphere of "Are we in danger here?" This conflict has to be very potent though to retain the interest. I think Kerry's takeover attempt was a good try, but something else would need to be done to create the necessary conflict to keep that part interesting.

I think there's a lot of clean up that needs to be done with the descriptions, and some minor plot things that needs some work as well to keep the tension going. I think that the shift from horror to character drama in the backdrop you created was good, you just need to work that character drama out a little better by building the characters and creating those interactions and conflicts better. Not just Kerry/Kane, but Jennifer/Eric would be a good one as well since she thinks he's a nerd and he is taking over her company. The Jamie/Carly relationship can be used more; perhaps Jamie might also have always liked Jennifer on TV, and now she's here creating some tension there. Jennifer shyed away from Eric to begin with, and maybe Jamie is tired of Carly's whining about the needs she has from being pregnant.

Bill just seems extraneous, and actually, you never say in the script what happens to him. He was in the room at the beginning of the scene, the gruesome threesome enter, kill Jennifer, Kerry runs off, Kane escorts them, but Bill just disappears. He needs a purpose. He could create some kind of additional conflict for your character drama you've built in here.

It's a good story. Keep working on it, and it'll be really good.

Hey George, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for you're amazing review! Thank you so much!

I see I have definitly posted this a little too early - some of the spelling mistakes and words I have used are really not up to scratch. The only thing I can justify slightly is the Seargent-Sergeant spelling issue - I use final draft and it's so called spell checker altered this.

Cat and chase game - I have no idea how I missed this but it looks like I have missed quite a few of these little things.

I will hopefully write a responce to the great review you have written tommorow, George, but I thank you for writing and letting me know where I need to improve.

I've noticed that the sergeant-seargent-sergent thing is a perpetual issue all over the net. Google gets results for all of them and it actually suggested sergent. Sergeant is the "official" spelling according to Wikipedia, though. The others are possibly regional or something.

And you're welcome. You kept reading those rewrites of Vengeance, so I figured I owed you one or two. If you want another rewrite, incidentally, I've done one.

Hey there Scoob, I was just wondering how dependant on the original Season of the Devil this script is because I'm intrigured by it yet haven't read the first one. I've browsed the pages over a little bit but haven't really read anything.

Anyway, I'm a lazy guy and I'm just wondering if you think I should go back and read the first one before starting on this or if I should just piece little things together and keep on reading. Thanks a bunch and good work on your scripts, so far I've enjoyed both your Friday the 13th (mildly) and Malevolant.


Cheers, Chism.

Cheers Chism for the interest!

Of course, I would say read the first one but I think it would really help to make this one read smoother.

To be honest, I wouldnt read the script I have up here at the moment. It is the first draft and it is rough.

So to be honest, I would say read Season Of The Devil and if you enjoyed that, then try this, by which time I will hopefully have another draft up and it will be a lot more enjoyable.

By the way, thanks for reading my other stuff!!!

Hi George,
I have gone  through your review and, thank you again for taking the time to do so! It is very helpful and will proove essential in getting me to sort this mess out!
I really do not want to write a responce that is bigger then you're review (lol like last time!) but I feel the least I can do is reply back having you spent time reading and reviewing it.

I guess I should have taken more time editing this. I clearly have left gaps and there are moments where I should have gone back to write more but seem to have forgotten to do so. I dont know if this is down to pure slackness or the ammount of previous rewrites I did but there is no excuse and this should probably not have been posted. However, I might not have noticed these things had you not pointed them out to me so I guess thats what this is all about. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

From the off, you are right and I can't believe my opening description. Hang on a sec...I had originally placed the final parts of the first SOTD and then intended to go from there. Im not sure what happened to that idea, looks like I cut it out without replacing it,  but in any case, the opening scene's descriptions need work and I have now sorted this out.

The dream sequence - I need to rewrite this and put it in less story telling I guess. When I do my complete rewrite I will make sure I sort this out. This whole scene was put in as an after thought. A similar dream happened in SOTD but I felt as it was pretty crucial that I needed to retell it.

The descriptons I agree need work. I find it difficult on finding the right words to use and end up writing them too descriptive.
Dialouge was always going to be a flaw but it certainly needs work. Most of it is basic so it should not be too hard to alter.

I trust in your eagle eye George, but I cant find any mentions of Jim where it does not begin with a capitol! However, I have now changed the dialouge that you pointed out.

The white smog mention has been altered with the help of "as if there were a white smog". Does this work or should the whole sentence go?

How can midnight make noise? I meant that the animals that usually are out at night/midnight were making the noise. Maybe if i stuck to saying nocturnal noises or something like that would make this clearer. The more I read over my script and read your review at the same time, the more it reads like a book. I definitly need to sort this out!! Again, thanks George for pointing these moments out.

The whole "whilst you were performing the ceremony" conversation has been cut out completly. It was meant to be a little amusing but it's not important and the dialouge stinks!

The rabbit lol. I was thinking about replacing that scene with one I had written before, when a drunk is the victim instead. I probably should just have no violence there at all but I was getting a little worried that nothing was happening and people might be getting a little bored. I will probably cut that scene and replace with the one I had written before it.

The whole "you're-your" thing. Doh. I have never got that right!!!!

"Kerry nods a yes, afraid this psycho might kill him." Uh, Kerry's still a girl, right?
Looks like I wrote this wrong! I meant Kerry was afraid Kane might kill Bill. So I have altered this a little so it comes across more clear.
"Father Keane attempts to grab Kerry from Keane's hands and he releases her, making her grab her and hold her although she is not hurt bad." This sentence is a mess. Make sure it says what you want it to say.
Lol. Wow what a mess indeed! This looks like a five year old wrote it. Needless to say, I have now changed this but I cant beleive I wrote that...and left it in!!!!
The perimeter fence scene...is one the many scenes that I never returned to fix. I was thinking I needed to know the exact measurements but thankfully I dont!
"Seargent James, in a well decorated army uniform holding a s*** load of victory badges..."
Eek. This, as you can probably tell, is yet ANOTHER scene where I was meant to come back later and correct once I had found out the information required. As it is, it is pretty embarrasing to have left in. NO WAY was this meant to be left in and without question this will be altered! Apart from that, thanks George on the info you gave. I had no idea what a Seargent (!!!) would wear in such a scene so you have given me some insight that will help me on this.
The wire death scene needs to be worked on.
"Standing a long distance away, in a line, is the three demons." This would read "ARE the three demons."  
Cheers for the eagle eye again , George. I have now corrected this.

"Shots begin to become quite..." What?
I have now replaced this with "Shots begin to fire less frequently..."

"Human heads falling like acons," Maybe acorns?
Oops... Maybe the Witch has an accent but I dont think that would work lol. I've altered the spelling and the rhyme.
The Sowen symbol does not actually exist; I made it up and described it in SOTD 1. I guess it would help if I described it again so I will correct this. I came up with it from the word "Samhain" which is pronounced "Sowen". Samhain is an old celtic druid word for Halloween.
Cat and chase game lol. The double mention of Bill, Jennifer and Eric has been cut and the badly written "opening Kerry's chin" has also be corrected. Thanks George for pointing these things out, I probably would have left them in if not mentioned...Well, I did!
Kane's "revelation" may need to be rewritten. Sure, he's a lunatic but I think you mean the way I wrote it does not tell his story so well. I will go back and rewrite this.
Fete has been changed to fate.
I know I definitly describe too much, and sometimes too little, but I really was not sure on how to describe a scene where it is one person's view the whole time. For example, the Witch is having her visions.  Do I really need to describe this as if it were a normal scene?
The hump with that guy lol. It means in a mood. It's English expression so as I guess this is based in America I need to alter this.
You have it right with the Jamie and Carly story, George.  I really wanted to use these two characters and make a decent story out of them, almost so the reader would care about them. In previous drafts, I have a whole load of stuff that I cut from this or did not even use. In a way im pleased you brought this up as I will most likely give them more of a story in my next rewrite.
As for you're previous point about Keane and Kerry leaving Carly to die, I have to admit that was bad writing and sloppiness. I will rectify this in the next draft.
The betrayal is definitly bizarre, but hopefully it all makes some sort of sense. I dont know how this will be recieved, but the "Goblin" is that kind of character. Whether or not I have portrayed him in this way, I dont know. Even in the first SOTD, he was always pretty much a loner and pretty much self centered. And it all fits in with the whole "betrayal" storyline. Hopefully it worked, or it will work in future writes.
I will work on my descriptions and try to really limit them as much as possible in the next thousand rewrites I do of this! I might even try and write a book and stick my descriptions in that!  
I have cut 1/3 of the ammount of times Kerry mentions the sentence "Are we going to die!". The first two mentions I think are pretty reasonable, but I agree three times in a short space of time is a bit over the top lol.
The whole Goblin proceeding to walk...then walks to... I have simply now cut the last line out.
I think you have the better ending George, it makes sense to let the heroes kind of achieve a victory. This whole thing is probably muddled, but you have made sense out of it which is a good thing so it can only get better!
I will definitly improve this in my future drafts, cant really get much worse to be honest, but I thank you for giving me some real ideas for the finale.
I complety agree with you regarding the flatness of this script and it needs to be intense. That was the plan, was to change from being a violent kill as many- people- as- possible script into something with suspence. And to really work on my characters, thats whats taken me so long to do this as I really wanted to create a film within a film. Like several small plots happening at once, but within one room and with time being the problem. All the while, these other incidents are happening outside - feet above and the absurdity of it was that everyone wanted to be in a grave. In fact, it would be safer to be in a grave!
That was what I initially had, I have done so many rewrites I dont know how I lost that idea.
But George, sorry for the lenghty review of you're review!  I thank you for spending the time reading and reviewing my script so I like to think I at least spend some time responding to it. It has been AMAZINGLY helpful and Im already thinking of ways to improve this thanks to you're comments.
I will check out Vengeance during the week. I will read The Basement first as I said I would!
Thanks again!

You're welcome, as always. I do like reading sometimes and I was on a roll yesterday. 7 scripts in all.

Quoted from Scoob I guess I should have taken more time editing this. I clearly have left gaps and there are moments where I should have gone back to write more but seem to have forgotten to do so. I dont know if this is down to pure slackness or the ammount of previous rewrites I did but there is no excuse and this should probably not have been posted. However, I might not have noticed these things had you not pointed them out to me so I guess thats what this is all about. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

It is a wonderful thing. That's why it is a good idea to let your script ferment for a couple of weeks and then reread it yourself with your left brain on high to catch all the things that make you wonder what you were thinking before you throw it to the wolves. That couple weeks is just as important to the writing process as putting words on the page/screen.

Quoted from Scoob The dream sequence - I need to rewrite this and put it in less story telling I guess. When I do my complete rewrite I will make sure I sort this out. This whole scene was put in as an after thought. A similar dream happened in SOTD but I felt as it was pretty crucial that I needed to retell it.

I do like the way the dream played out at the end of the story. That was some good foreshadowing and created an element of suspense. I recognized the power plant as the mountain from the dream and was just wondering who would be struck.

Quoted from Scoob I trust in your eagle eye George, but I cant find any mentions of Jim where it does not begin with a capitol!

I should have been more specific. It isn't the first letter, it's not fully capitalized as a dialogue header occasionally. Inotherwords, you have "Jim" speaking sometimes instead of "JIM".

Quoted from Scoob The white smog mention has been altered with the help of "as if there were a white smog". Does this work or should the whole sentence go?

Well, it's just description, so as long as the description describes what you see, it would work. I would describe it as fog, which is what we have outside of big polluted cities.

Quoted from Scoob The whole "you're-your" thing. Doh. I have never got that right!!!!

Your is possessive. Your script. Your computer. Your name. You're is a contraction of you and are. You're coming (You are coming). You're a big dork. (You are a big dork). Maybe that will help.

Quoted from Scoob The Sowen symbol does not actually exist; I made it up and described it in SOTD 1. I guess it would help if I described it again so I will correct this. I came up with it from the word "Samhain" which is pronounced "Sowen". Samhain is an old celtic druid word for Halloween.

Yes, anything that was created for the first film would require a re-description in the second. Can't count on everyone reading the firt, or in my case, remembering every detail of the first.

Quoted from Scoob I know I definitly describe too much, and sometimes too little, but I really was not sure on how to describe a scene where it is one person's view the whole time. For example, the Witch is having her visions.  Do I really need to describe this as if it were a normal scene?

The key is to write what you see here. Book writers have been doing it without 'we' and camera angles for centuries. You can place the whole description is a INT. WITCH'S VISION or something strange if you want to. It's unorthodox, but as long as you get the point across, it will work.

Quoted from Scoob The betrayal is definitly bizarre, but hopefully it all makes some sort of sense. I dont know how this will be recieved, but the "Goblin" is that kind of character. Whether or not I have portrayed him in this way, I dont know. Even in the first SOTD, he was always pretty much a loner and pretty much self centered. And it all fits in with the whole "betrayal" storyline. Hopefully it worked, or it will work in future writes.

The betrayal needs more setup. The Goblin needs to be consistently shown as someone to ignore what the others say and stand with the other two only reluctantly. These three don't do much in this one. It would be nice to see them do a bit more than just stand there, but I don't know what really.

Quoted from Scoob I think you have the better ending George, it makes sense to let the heroes kind of achieve a victory. This whole thing is probably muddled, but you have made sense out of it which is a good thing so it can only get better! I will definitly improve this in my future drafts, cant really get much worse to be honest, but I thank you for giving me some real ideas for the finale.

You're welcome. This site is about improving your writing and I try to help with that. My suggestions are not in any way holy writ and you can throw me or anyone else to the Goblin if you want on them, but I just think about what I would do or what I would want out of certain things, and that's where my thoughts come from. I am happy I was able to help in some way on this and I'm sure others will notice other things as well since we all look for different things in the scripts we read.

Quoted from Scoob I will check out Vengeance during the week. I will read The Basement first as I said I would!

Take your time. Do what you gotta do. I'm here.

Hey no problem, I'm a huge horror buff. Honestly someone needs to come up with the new Exorcist, lol. Horror has dropped somewhat in the last ten years, don't know if you've noticed, HAHAHAHA. Who couldn't notice it.

Your scripts are a piece of alright, if you don't mind me saying so. I'm gonna check out Season of the Devil tomorrow coz I'm reading Vengeance at the moment. Can't wait to read it and tell you what I think.

Hey, you should do a devil possession story. Or at least someone should. Maybe I'll do one. Hmmmm...... anywhoodles. I'll read Season of the Devil tomorrow and have my review posted by tomorrow night hopefully.


Cheers, Chism.

Excellent, thanks George, as I said, all help is appreciated.  
I will take the advice and give this whole SOTD2 a rest and come back to it in a week or so.

Chism, I completly agree a decent horror needs to come along, and there are loads of great scripts. It is pretty dishearntening to see all these remakes when so many original ideas could be put to use.

I might give a crack at writing a book, see what I come up with, as I enjoy writing descriptions, feelings, emotions.

I will still continue to write scripts, and I intend to make this one a really good one, and a couple of others I have planned, but I miss writing like how I like to write.

Writing novels is a great way to get away from writing screenplays, which sounds really strange because they're both writing, just different ways, but it does actually help. I've written two complete novels in between screenplays, which actually makes my novel career more prodominant than my feature script career, but oh well.

I would strong recommend writing a book, it flows pretty naturally for me because there's no real formatting involved and the ideas just come flowing and you type them up fresh and original, it's a very liberating experience.

Good luck with your book and all of your future projects, you're really stepping into your own as a great writer and I wish you all the best for the future.


Cheers, Chism.

Hey, Scoob.  You weren't kidding about this one being different from the original.  But it is still you, and while the story is different, the style is quite similar.  Fans of the first should be pleased with what you've got to offer this time around.

I didn't read George's comments, but it sure looks like he did you right.  So pardon any repeats.  I'll have to check out what he said later.

As for the story, I think the set up is great, with the crypt, the three demons, and the line in the sky.  Not much wasted time.  Right where we left off.  Now that I see it, I agree with you that this was the best way to do it. I was genuinely intrigued by where all of this might be going.  I also liked the intimate feel of this story, within the confines of the crypt, and while some of the characters seemed a bit extraneous, you did a good job with developing the main characters.  Particularly the new character of Kane -- no mistaking where this guy was coming from.

Comments are kind of difficult without page numbers, but I'll list my comments in the order they occurred,

And these got SPOILERS:

*  I like the stuff going on with the sky, suggesting that something is wrong with the whole damnn world -- a point that was never made clear in the original.
*  You kept saying "corn stems".  The word is "stalks".
*  Jim's little freak-out around the campfire was pretty effective.  I liked that scene.
*  You've got a character named Keane, and now another named Kane.  These names are too close together, perhaps.  Particularly given that we've got a Kerry in there, too.
*  Why give Jennifer bulging eyes?  That's a weird detail.  Do you have an actress in mind with bulging eyes?  I seem to recall that chick in "Undead" had big, google eyes.
*  As I said earlier, I think you are building tension in the crypt well.  It's ambitious, and tough to build characters this way -- through dialogue alone.  But it seems out of character when Kerry announces that she is taking charge.  I have to call you on that, as this was not set up adequately.  You should build up to that, and suggest it earlier.  You can't just have her jump up and do it.
*  "The perimeter fence is (x) feet high and (X) foot wide."  What is up with this description?  Looks like you forgot to come back to this.
*  You've set this story in America (I think), but Colonel Askin talks about the costs of the operation being "millions of pounds."  You mean dollars.  The wire through the head that immediately follows this is confusing.  I'm not sure what you mean.  Where did this wire come from?  However, blowing the shite out of the misty graveyard was cool, and would probably look great with all the exploding headstones.  I really liked that image.
*  Then, when we move back to the crypt, how come nobody comments on the insane amount of gunfire outside?
*  You say "laminates" when you really mean "illuminates".  You do that a couple of times.
*  Kerry is free, just like that?  You should show her freeing herself, and have her cut the ropes on a rock at least, but preferably something more clever than that.

In terms of broader comments, I have a few suggestions for you when you jump into the rewrite.  The first one concerns the character of Father Keane, and how you handle him at the climax of your story.  I think you missed an opportunity there, as he never really has to struggle with the question of his destiny.  You made his faith constant -- and unshakable -- so when he is finally confronted with that pivotal choice at the end, there was really no question that he would refuse.

What if, instead of relying on his faith, there were periods where he had lapses of faith? Periods where he hated God, and was certain that God had abandoned them.  Then, when Jim presents him with the opportunity to join them on the rooftop, Father Keane might have been more tempted to accept this offer.  There could have been some tension there -- will he accept? -- but ultimately, his faith would have seen him through, and he would have emerged all the stronger for it.

As you've got it now, Father Keane and Kerry never really do anything but run away.  And that's kind of a problem, as they are our heroes.  They should be more engaged in the climax, and take more of an active role in what ultimately happens between Jim and our friends the Demons and so on.

Which brings me to my last comment, regarding the trio of demons.  Man, I really like these guys, and I really wish there were a way to expand on these characters in their own right.  I get what you are doing with the witch being the only one who speaks, and the goblin does kind of have some personality with his grunts and his actions, but the skull gets kind of ripped off.  I don't know how much more you can do without actually giving them voices, and I'm not sure that's even a good idea anyway.  If you could just figure out some way to give them larger roles -- even at the expense of some of the action in the crypt -- I think this would emerge as a stronger story.

So, anyway, I hope some of this helps you out with the rewrite.  This piece is a solid companion to the first.  Good job.

I suppose it might send you screaming for the woods to suggest that you go for a trilogy, huh?

Hey Scoob, I just finished reading the original Season of the Devil and my review is up on that thread if you'd care to take a ganders at it.

I'm going to start reading Season of the Devil II as soon as I can, but I think I've had my fill of screenplays for the day as I've been writing bits and pieces of my own and reading your's.


Cheers, Chism.

Hey Bert,
Thank you for the great review, I'm almost relieved that you enjoyed it and managed to stick with it! I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.

I'm happy you like the idea and can see the possible potential it has when I rewrite it.

I'll try and write a bit about some of the comments you made a bit later- they are all great points and ones that will certainly help me to iron this out.

Thanks again for a really great review and for taking the time out to do so!

Hi Bert,
First, thanks again for the great review and taking the time to read this script. Any script that is 110 pages is a long slog to get through, so you're words mean a lot and I appreciate every one.  

As for the story, I think the set up is great, with the crypt, the three demons, and the line in the sky. Not much wasted time. Right where we left off. Now that I see it, I agree with you that this was the best way to do it. I was genuinely intrigued by where all of this might be going. I also liked the intimate feel of this story, within the confines of the crypt, and while some of the characters seemed a bit extraneous, you did a good job with developing the main characters. Particularly the new character of Kane -- no mistaking where this guy was coming from.

First off, I'm pleased and relieved you enjoyed the setting. Considering this whole thing is based over a few hours and in one main location I was worried this might drag on and become tiredsome. It's a massive cliche to set this in the crypt and graveyard but I just thought the whole setting worked well.  Thanks for appreciating the skyline as well as it was a big part of the story overall.
Im also happy you thought I did a decent job with the characters - I spent a lot of time reworking and rewriting scenes for this bunch and although it is not perfect as yet, at least I know Im on the right track. I have a fair ammount of scenes that I cut out that go more into the Jamie and Carly characters and Im thinking of restoring them so I can make the whole thing more intense.

* I like the stuff going on with the sky, suggesting that something is wrong with the whole damnn world -- a point that was never made clear in the original.

Yep, I'm pretty sure you gave me this idea when you reviewed the first one. It was pretty important to emphasise the fact it was the whole world and not just this dingly little town that was going through this bizarre night and change was world wide. Im very pleased this came across in the sequal.

* You kept saying "corn stems". The word is "stalks".
I will correct this. Cheers!

* Jim's little freak-out around the campfire was pretty effective. I liked that scene.
Cool, thanks Bert. It either was going to come across unintentionally funny and dare I say it, camp, but Im pleased the scene worked well.

* You've got a character named Keane, and now another named Kane. These names are too close together, perhaps. Particularly given that we've got a Kerry in there, too.
Eek. I have the KKK in my script it seems.  Something that I will look at, maybe Kane needs a name change as I cant really alter the other two. Maybe...Cain? Just kidding.

* Why give Jennifer bulging eyes? That's a weird detail. Do you have an actress in mind with bulging eyes? I seem to recall that chick in "Undead" had big, google eyes.
This is a bizarre description I guess. I will put this in another way.

* As I said earlier, I think you are building tension in the crypt well. It's ambitious, and tough to build characters this way -- through dialogue alone. But it seems out of character when Kerry announces that she is taking charge. I have to call you on that, as this was not set up adequately. You should build up to that, and suggest it earlier. You can't just have her jump up and do it.
Both you and George have called me up on this and I agree. It looks like I was trying to push things forward too quickly and without reason. I will have a look at this and sort it out.

* "The perimeter fence is (x) feet high and (X) foot wide." What is up with this description? Looks like you forgot to come back to this.
This aswell, I have now rewritten this bit! This was one of many moments I forgot to come back and alter. Also , I was not entirely sure if I had to give the exact measurements but Im glad I was corrected in how to do this. Cheers.

* You've set this story in America (I think), but Colonel Askin talks about the costs of the operation being "millions of pounds." You mean dollars. The wire through the head that immediately follows this is confusing. I'm not sure what you mean. Where did this wire come from? However, blowing the shite out of the misty graveyard was cool, and would probably look great with all the exploding headstones. I really liked that image.
* Then, when we move back to the crypt, how come nobody comments on the insane amount of gunfire outside?
* You say "laminates" when you really mean "illuminates". You do that a couple of times.
* Kerry is free, just like that? You should show her freeing herself, and have her cut the ropes on a rock at least, but preferably something more clever than that.
The story is set in America so I made a mistake with the pounds-dollars thing. Thanks for that.
The wire death scene needs work and explaining. The idea was that the wire fence surrounding the area had a part to play but it looks like I never even wrote it! So I will possibly change that whole scene. As you can tell, I've left a lot out or have just forgot about certain scenes. I tried to write this, leave some scenes blank or very bland and then I would come back to them and fix them up. This is the first time I have tried this as I usually write the scene in one go and dont leave it until Im happy with it.
Heh heh, glad you liked the graveyard biting the dust scene!  
As for why no one heard the gunfire in the crypt, that's another good point and one I can probably correct with a few sentences. Maybe they were so far down underground that it was impossible to hear it but maybe that is a paper thin excuse.
As with the Kerry scene, the escape is pretty simple isnt it lol. I now intend to rewrite a lot of this and put a lot more detail into what is actually going on.
In terms of broader comments, I have a few suggestions for you when you jump into the rewrite. The first one concerns the character of Father Keane, and how you handle him at the climax of your story. I think you missed an opportunity there, as he never really has to struggle with the question of his destiny. You made his faith constant -- and unshakable -- so when he is finally confronted with that pivotal choice at the end, there was really no question that he would refuse.
What if, instead of relying on his faith, there were periods where he had lapses of faith? Periods where he hated God, and was certain that God had abandoned them. Then, when Jim presents him with the opportunity to join them on the rooftop, Father Keane might have been more tempted to accept this offer. There could have been some tension there -- will he accept? -- but ultimately, his faith would have seen him through, and he would have emerged all the stronger for it.
I will look into this and will almost certainly use it! In one of my other writes, I had it that the plot was focused on Father Keane being looked upon by everyone else as the bad guy and that it was his fault this whole disaster was happening. It made him stay constantly strong in his beleifs and never change. But that whole thing never really looked right and was one of my many failed earlier attempts. I think you have the right idea, by making Father Keane have doubts (and with good reason) regarding his faith then the finale might not look so obvious.
As you've got it now, Father Keane and Kerry never really do anything but run away. And that's kind of a problem, as they are our heroes. They should be more engaged in the climax, and take more of an active role in what ultimately happens between Jim and our friends the Demons and so on.
You're right. With the script building up to what should be some kind of final confrontation, I guess the ending maybe was a dissapointment that neither Kerry or Father Keane had much of a  part to play in it. I guess the idea that evil wiping evil out didnt really go down that well and give a feeling of satisfaction. I will take a whole new look at this set up.

b]Which brings me to my last comment, regarding the trio of demons. Man, I really like these guys, and I really wish there were a way to expand on these characters in their own right. I get what you are doing with the witch being the only one who speaks, and the goblin does kind of have some personality with his grunts and his actions, but the skull gets kind of ripped off. I don't know how much more you can do without actually giving them voices, and I'm not sure that's even a good idea anyway. If you could just figure out some way to give them larger roles -- even at the expense of some of the action in the crypt -- I think this would emerge as a stronger story.[/b]
I will almost certainly give the Demons some more scenes. I didnt want to make the script about them initially, but of course it needs them. They are, after all, the main threat and need to probably do some more damage. I wanted to put them in of course, but I really wanted to make this about how people would react in different ways to being trapped in a crypt and then add in the extra element of the supernatural.  The Goblin, the guy I like the most, I can almost see him in similarity to Moloch from you're Starbuck series! I think the two of them would have a great time together lol.  But, yeah, I agree I need to make them be more productive and make Skull more then just a prop.
So, anyway, I hope some of this helps you out with the rewrite. This piece is a solid companion to the first. Good job.
Bert, I am very grateful for the review. It was more then helpful and along with George's review I can see the errors and mistakes I have made which make my job on the next draft a lot easier. Im very happy that you seem to have enjoyed it and think it was worth while.

I suppose it might send you screaming for the woods to suggest that you go for a trilogy, huh?
I think castration would be less painful.

Thank you Bert, you have come through with a great review and one I really appreciate. This will help me no end and for that, all I can say is cheers and if you have any scripts up I will be more then happy to take a look. I think there are a couple on your list I am yet to go read, so I will do in due course. I've promised to read Andy's Basement and George's Vengeance rewrite plus Chism's Hero. So when I get to them, I will certainly check out some more of you're material, Bert.

I think we have an almost similar variation of our bad guys in regards to you're Starbuck series andthe villain Moloch. I think if the Goblin could talk, he would be very much like Moloch! By the way, I am looking forward to reading the next chapter in that series, you have me hooked so far and it is a shame I have to wait. Hopefully not for too long!

All the best.

Yeah, that "trilogy" thing was just a joke.  I am sure you are ready to move on -- at least for the time being.

You know, there is nothing wrong with "Cain" -- I think you should consider it -- a biblical name seems fitting for the tone of your story.  Don't discard that idea out of hand.  It's really only on the page that the Kane/Keane thing creates confusion.

I suppose Goblin and Moloch could have one hell of a party.  That's funny.  For me, these three demons are the highlight of these stories -- the other aspects are good, sure -- but these guys are just fantastic to me.  I can't get enough of them, and my interest level picked up every single time they appeared.

But I suspect "balance" with these guys will be important, though.  You should use them as much as you possibly can, I think -- but on the other hand, if you use them too much, it might diminish their appeal, you know?  It will be a tough call.

Maybe George will chime in on that.  And that Chism guy looks like he will be giving you a pretty thorough treatment.  Ask him what he thinks, maybe.

Actually, one of the comments I made was that they don't do much in this one, whereas they were very involved in the last one. I know the focus of the drama in within the crypt, but these guys are on the outside and they're the main antagonists. Their big part of the story is wiping out some soldiers and standing there growing ever closer to the crypt. Seems kinda flat to me, but at the same time, within the boundaries of the story (without going gratuitious), I'm not too sure what else they could do.

Hi!

Bert, thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the name change, I think its safe to say Kane will now be Cain. As you say, it does have that biblical name to it so maybe I can squeeze in some more biblical nonsence lol.

Of course I am very happy you like the Demons, and as Geroge has said, I really didnt want to overuse them and make this look like another excuse for  a slasher film.

I'm going to start rewriting this in about a weeks time, so we shall see what happens but your comments are priceless and I thank you very much for them.

Hey, I want to apologize if I am hogging up this channel with my "seasonal" scripts but I just would like to say I have started on the next draft of this.

So far nothing major - the Your Vs You're problem has been hopefully fixed.

I have made the Sowen symbol describable and altered Kane's name to Cain.

Corn stems to corn stalks!

There will be a completely different intro to the Demons.

The opening scene has been altered with more description.

And a lot more will be worked on. Kerry taking over the crypt, the wire death scene, the chamber scenes, and the ending.

Not to mention there will be a lot more character development from Jamie, Carly, Jennifer, Eric and even Bill!

I dont know when this will be complete as I dont want to rush it.

Thanks for reading!

I have sent in the next draft of this and have corrected the previously abysmal spelling amongst a few other things.

The final draft, dare I call it that, will hopefully be posted shortly.

The final draft of this will hopefully be posted in October.

There are a few changes, alterations and some twists so this may be a different story then what you read before.

This will be the so called final cut of this script.

Cheers!

Thanks Don for posting the latest and what I will call for now, the final draft of this script.

I did try and place some parts of what I had written on a seperate draft in with this but it just did not mix well at all so I scrapped that whole idea and just re wrote a few scenes.

The start maybe well too descriptive but hopefully the rest is OK.

Hopefully I have adressed all the major problems that were mentioned and thats the beauty of this site and why I have to give a big thanks to George and Bert for helping to pinpoint the problems with this.

Thanks guys