The Wrong Guy by Roger Smith - Short, Action, Comedy - A young man is mistaken for a contract killer who happened to murder the son ao a mafia boss. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

I have three people in mind as possible writers for this one.

Format of course was good, but I found a couple of typo's.
I won't bother to mention them.

I must be getting really old, because like Chris, JesusFreak, Landon would say "there's a lot of language here. I'm glad I'm not a guy, I could never talk like that.

SPOILERS:

What a shame about the nice couch. Funny how they talk about that though rather than the fact that she was a guy and was killed too.

Megan and Thomas were funny. In this university town where I live, places like the Veggie Shack are plenty and the people just like them as well. I like how they are activists for just about everything. The tofu and bicycle reference was good too.

"Goodness Gracious!" What a whimp, still easier to read though than those rough Italians.

Too bad Megan had to die, I felt that wasn't really necessary.

Loud and liquidy flatulence, gross, but funny!

Irritable Bowel Syndrome, poor Thomas!

You had me fooled all the way up until the ending.

Great job.

8)

This was a decent read but I think it could have been better. With the exception of the guy shitting his pants, there wasn't really enough comedy in this. There was some but most of it was subtle and dry. Without the IBS bit, this could've worked as a crime script. With it, it's just kind of a well written misstep. Anyway, good job, regardless of genre.

Hey, great title page from Final Draft, but me thinks you did this on purpose from being discovered... Clever..

Page #3 - I've never heard "you don't have to get all *unty on me" before, funny line that even though a bit naughty..

Excellent Italian gangster dialogue, aggressive, offensive and funny too!! Ha!

Hey, the bitch a with hardon is funny.. I liked that.. Ha..

Anti Gun Rally, make the world a safer place, ha, yeah, who from! Hehe.. LOL!!

"loud and liquidly" - oh my dear God! Yuk!

Page #14 typo:

both me

Think you mean:

both men

Good story this as the gay hitman in hiding with Irritable bowel syndrome, well funny..

I enjoyed reading this and the outrageous "fucking" stuff spoken by the gooks, spot on the money and very funny..

Where's the line "why are they always shooting at me?

Apart from that goof, the formatting was ok, well done..

This writer has a warped idea of comedy. Some of the language between the gangsters made me feel unladylike for reading it -- ahahaha. That language would make Al Pacino blush.

The first 6 pages was a drama -  a crime drama. As a comedy, well…

As a crime drama, it’s actually quite good. Aside from the harshness of the guys’ banter, which reminded me full well why men and women should sometimes not mix, it was really good.

Then came the comedy…it was a bit spotty. Sometimes Thomas was such a wimp that it was overboard. But some of it was quite funny.

The ending was a bit Usual Suspects-ish. That’s not a bad thing.

Actually, I think this one would actually be better without the comedy. But it was entertaining nonetheless.

Well, on the surface it fit the theme just fine and it had a decent narrative, a mildly amusing storyline, and nice twist at the end.

On the other hand, it wasn't that funny. It had a couple of situations that were amusing, but nothing laugh out loud funny. For a few pages, it felt like I was watching Layer Cake with the 'F' word in every single line of dialogue. I actually think this was the only "humor" injected in this scene was the profanity, and that's not that funny.

Thomas has IBS and it kicks in. Kind of humorous, but more of a fart joke that loses its thunder quickly (ha-ha thunder).

The conversation between Thomas and Megan was amusing in what they were discussing being an extreme stereotype. Of course, for this scene, I was hoping for a break from all the profanity in the last scene so that was refreshing as well. This scene was not bad and had its moments.

There was some goofiness to be had here, but overall, not much of a comedy. From a dramatic standpoint, it had its moments, but since it had some goofiness to it, the dramatic moments were kind of spoiled. It tried hard, but ultimately fell short. However, I will give you the twist at the end. That was well hidden and had me fooled. Good job there.

I'm one of the people here who wondered if you wrote this as a dramatic piece, rather than a comedy.  I didn't see anything funny until the script was more than halfway over.

I found the dialogue to be a little too on-the-nose.  Gianni talking to his men on page five was a good example of this.  Also, you should try to avoid writing such long pieces without breaking it up with something.  Another problem with the dialogue was that it was forced and artificial.  'Goodness gracious?'

I had a problem with the two goons finding Thomas in the restaurant.  The odds of them finding him so quickly was a little annoying.  This is especially based solely on a police sketch artist's drawing.  Those things aren't known for their accuracy.

And then you reduced it all to a series of fart jokes....

This is the first of the scripts I've read from the one week thing.  It might end up being my least favorite.


Phil

Ya know, I did like this script to a certain extent but I feel it could have been much better.  There wasn't much comedy in this except for the IBS thing, but I think your use of strong language is what at least kept me interested throughout the piece.  The characters, though, were dull.  It was just 4 Al Pacinos here.  I couldn't tell the 4 mafia guys apart from each other!  

I liked the IBS thing to an extent as well.  At first it was funny, but a couple farts later it was like "ookay."  When he got into Gianni's office it was funny again.  The thing about fart jokes is that you don't want to overuse them in such a short amount of time.  But I laughed.  I did.  Plus the shitting himself was probably for disguise so he could finish off Michael and Gianni and the gang.  I laughed at some of the excessive use of language, but I can't say this was a comedy.

So, you know, I'm kinda strapped both directions on this one.  I'll just end this review by saying good job you got some laughs out of me. :)

This was the last of many scripts I read today, so I'm feeling a little reviewed out. But I enjoyed this one; the banter between the gangsters was great. My favorite exchange was the one they had before going into the vegetarian joint, that was gold. They reminded me of the gangsters from Ghost Dog, very funny, yet realistic.

SPOILERS

The unexpected ending was great, Thomas' request for a steak before revealing he was in fact the killer was a slick way to top off a solid script. I look forward to discussing this with you in greater depth, once the competition is over. Well done. 8/10  

I think this is the last one for me to read in this exercise thingy.
Like Greg, I couldn't tell the gangster characters apart.
The IBS was funny though, and I did like the ending.

Some bits I liked and others not, but overall it was a good read.

Not much comedy during the first pages. This kicked in at page 4 for me; Michael's story was funny and told in a very funny way. I really liked how this bastards discussed about the ruined couch without asking any questions about the body.

I'm not keen on fart humour, so I didn't enjoy the chase scene. But it didn't bother me either.

Frankie/Joey's dialogue in page 13/14 was funny as hell, altough I found a bit unbelievable that they shot the crap out of each other. A little bit exaggerated IMO, even for a comedy piece.

I enjoyed this one, good job.

Yup, I'm the foul mouthed little shit who wrote this ;D, thank you everyone for reading and comenting on this, I know this wasn't very funny, I have never written comedy before and this was quite a challenge, plus I had like just over 2 hrs to do it before the deadline, so I couldn' t proof read it and there were several grammer errors :B, I think I could have won an award for most grammer errors in a script.  I'm glad that most of you were able to find something that you liked out of it, I know some really didn't like it though, but I guess that just helps me to get better.  Thanks again everyone :D

Quoted from The boy who could fly Yup, I'm the foul mouthed little shit who wrote this ;D

Yep, you are Jordan you naughty boy!

Seriously, you did a good job, man!

Like I said in my original post, very funny.. You did good..

Keep up the good work..


Kev

Consider me impressed!

I really thought this was written by someone older and more experienced.
8)

Thank you Tomson and Kevan:D

Hey Jordan.  I see plenty of people have already got you on the nitpick stuff, so I'll let all of that slide.

What I liked most about this one was that there was plenty of great wiseguy dialogue here.  You have a pretty good ear for it.  Stuff like:

"That's a nice fuckin' couch Mike, you got a good deal on that."

Those kind of mundane things that ring so true on the Sopranos -- you watch that show?  -- this sounds exactly like Christopher to me.

But then we get:    

"Goodness gracious! Guns!"

What the heck were you thinking with that one?

Anyways, while this one was a little short on comedy, I still enjoyed it for what it was.  The strengths of the story far outweighed its few weaknesses.

I'll also echo Thompson's thoughts that given your age, you are well above where you ought to be in terms of your writing.  Nice work.

Thank you Bert:D, I have never had a chance to see the soprano's cause I don't get HBO, but I have seen clips of it before and it looks like a cool show.  

The Goodness Gracious line, well, I just tried to think of the most pussy thing he could say, it was either that or "Holy Moly"  or "Good Golly"...lol, maybe none of those would have worked, I just wanted a far contrast between him and the gangsters, there was probably a better way to go about it though.  I was going for extremes in this movie, from stereotypes to violence, I just figured it would be more interesting to go to far than not far enough.

anyways, thanks again Bert :)

PS Bert:  I wanna read your alternate/original ending to paramour's, I know my sick twisted little mind would love it:P

Quoted from The boy who could fly PS Bert:  I wanna read your alternate/original ending to paramour's, I know my sick twisted little mind would love it:P

Yes please, Bert, me too...

Just send it me as an attachment via email..

Just to consider your formatting, structure, dialogue, plot and such.. Haha.. Lol!!!

Alright I see your cursing was picked at quite a bit. I found it slightly humorous how the F word rolled off of the gangsters tongues before just about every other noun. If someone curses a lot, it losses it's effect. That's what happened here. Maybe that was your intention.

I'm not really a fan of most bathroom humor and the same goes for this script.

That aside you had some whitty dialogue and I was just waiting for those gangsters to meet up with the people in the restraunt. I loved the reaction when the gun was drawn.
Theboywhocoudfly, nice work. Not what i would call my cup of tea but you wrote some very 'interesting' moments.

Thanks for the comments Tony, glad you read it :)

Opening needs a little more to get people's attention, (the gun shot was predictable) but from then on it was near terrific.

The dialogues, at times, was realistic (depsite the constant fucks) and the payoff was kind of unexpected.

The "joke" of the script was mildly funny, liek many have said, it got old fast.

**** out of *****

Thanks bigwoop for your comments and in taking the time in reading it. :D

I read this only, and frankly I loved it!

Nothing wrong with putting drama and comedy together! It works!

As for the ending, well done, you really had me fooled until the very end!

Would love to shoot this one! :D

Thanks for the read rpedo.  This was written for a one week writting exercise and there are a ton of typo's and a few other things I would have liked to have change, just didn't have the time, and I had to write something I wasn't used to, but for what it's worth it worked out ok.  Thanks again.

Hey Jordan, I don't know about other people here (I only read a few of the first posts about this script), but I liked reading this. There were a few parts where there was a lot of action and dialogue that I didn't know who was who for a little bit.

I thought it was funny because I laughed at some parts. I liked it when Thomas pooped in his pants and I liked the ending.

So basically, I liked this script.

Sean

Thanks for the read Sean.

Maybe I will write a sequel and have the gangsters come back from the dead and seek revenge on Thomas :O

Quoted from The boy who could fly Thanks for the read Sean. Maybe I will write a sequel and have the gangsters come back from the dead and seek revenge on Thomas :O

Now THAT I would read right away.  Heck, I might even film it! Though I wouldn't want to ruin a good script with bad filming...

Sean

It wasn't a bad read.

I know the dialogue is there for a reason, but I felt it like it was in my way through the script. So, even if it's colorful, I personally would trim it down.

whoa, this one got dug up from the grave.  Thanks for the read Garbagemen, this was for the first OWC I did and this actually was just filmed, I should be getting a copy of it pretty soon, i'm curious how it turned out.