You didn't have page numbers so I pasted it to Final Draft so I could read the page numbers. It's easier that way.
SPOILERS!!!
Pg.1 - Nice Descriptions...I can feel the atmosphere
Pg.3 - I hate ferris wheels...It takes 10 years to get down after the ride is over!
Pg.4 - I don't get the dialogue exchange between the ferris wheel operator and Ian. What didn't work?
Pg.7 - The rollercoaster ride fooled me too! I thought they were surely dead!
Pg.9 -
Quoted Text Suddenly the gears impede sharply, stopping the ride with a sudden jolt. The woman's neck snaps as her head topples over the restraint |
THAT SOUNDS extremely painful!
Pg.10 - Wow That's a lot of description. This might be forboding to some readers.
-Zero Gravity's Destruction: Brutal-Great
-Destination Hell's Destruction: Holy Crap! I'd be terrified in that situation. That must suck!
Pg.11 - Speeder's Destruction: Why is this funny?...I've played Roller Coaster Tycoon and did this to the same type of ride on accident.
ookay, why do we need to know what they have on their hot dogs?
Pg.12 - NICE OPENING!...I liked it.
Pg.14 - I predict Carey will be the survivor or at least one of them.
Oh Great! You have a guy with a video camera. Seems like all the recent body count fillms now have a character with a video camera permanently attched to their hand. This usually causes their death. (Examples:Final Destination 3, House of Wax, House on Haunted Hill). and you also have the pair of bitchettes
Pg.17 - I know you can't just walk up, press a button and get on a ride...Don't you need a key inserted first? Where would they find the keys for each ride?
Pg.22 - Wait...In thought Page was on the ground. How could she be talking to Greg who's high on the ride.
Pg.25 - Okay, so the burger place has cobwebs and dust and cracks but the burger patties are still good with no ice or anything?
Pg.27 -HAUNTED AMUSEMENT PARK. SO THE RIDES ARE POSSESSED! Booga booga!
Pg.28 - this is starting to seem a bit cheesy because of the dorky Monster or demons or whatever.
Pg.30 -
Quoted Text Well at least I don't cut myself to save me from all my depressing events." |
Low Blow!
Pg.33 - Yes! I see just a little bit Character development there. A little cutting...because of daddy there. A little depression. Talk about that depression. Wanna...wanna cry there. Is that a little droplet I see? A little tear on your cheek there? (Sorry...i couldn't resist -that is how some people talk when they are trying to be funny and exaggerate a point)
Pg.34 - Page
Quoted Text I need you yo kiss it to make it feel better |
Are you serious? I hope she dies.
Pg.35 - What idiots! Oh...they almost kill themselves on one ride...WHY NOT get on another one? Even though they saw those creatures in the camera! I'm glad it's swings though. This could be great! Imagine the swings going so fast and wildly that they break off and people go flying and crashing into buildings! LOL. (Yep, I laughed my ass of on the ring when the horse jumps off the boat and tumbles and flips down how is that not funny?)
Pg.37 -
Quoted Text She flies through the air and lands on the ground, rolling imto a metal gate |
ha! Sorry but this is hilarious! I know i'd be terrified in that situation but this would be hilarious to see on screen. I can't stop laughing!
Quoted Text They crash into the ground and ROLL away! |
LMAO!
Pg.38 -
Quoted Text ...dragging Page across the ground and throwing her back up in the air |
LOL Oh my god! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard! I know this shouldn't be funny but it is to me!
Quoted Text Metal poles slice through Haley's abdomen |
OUCH!
Pg.42 - Page! What is wrong with her? Why does she walk off for no reason when she knows there's something dangerous after her? Here is what I call a DBM (Dumb Bitch Move)
Pg.43 - Yeah! A suspenseful bathroom scene! For some reason I love horror scenes that take place in bathrooms or elevators. (High Tension has one of the best!)
Pg.44 - It Would be so hilarious if Page just pulls down her pants and starts taking a dump while the graveling or demon or whatever it is looking for he in the stalls.
Pg.45 - Oh, cool
Quoted Text They run up to the entrance but the gates arent there. It's only a tall brick wall |
Nice! This makes me think of NIGHT OF THE DEMONS!
Pg.49 - Your script has so much...almost too much description. Sometimes you describe things that aren't important to know.
PAGE IS IRRITATING!
Pg.51 - The bumper car scene was awwsome! Very entertaining and exciting-like the opening.
Pg.55 - Okay, Page is just too dumb for anything. Why'd she go in the funhouse? I'd try to get as far away from any attraction as possible!
Quoted Text Suddenly one of her scars split open |
Ah! This is like freddy krueger where they take advantage of the character's weakness. ("What a Rush" "Welcome to primetime bitch")
Pg.56 - I thought the spinning ride broke off!
Pg.57 - Quentin's video confession is way to reminescent of blair Witch...and random...you should take it out.
Pg.60 -
Quoted Text Page has nails piercing through her arms and legs |
:BI fell bad for her, I didn't think i would though.
Quoted Text the tube falls to the ground, landing on the casket held by metal wires...the wires snap...tube falls lading on the casket |
That's messed up
FLASHBACK...hmmm...i smell an explanation as to why the park is HAUNTED.
Pg.61 - Now I know why the Spinning ride is like new.
ha-ha 6/6/66...My cousin was born on this date...but he's not possessed or anything.lol. Oh so every 666 date...shit happens! so next will be 6/6/2066?
Pg.62 - So the crashes and everything happened the last night? Then why were there spiderwebs and dust everywhere in the burger place?
Pg.65 - The reasoning behind the haunting seems a bit random
Quoted Text Three's a multiple of six and if you add itself, it comes out a six also |
I'm sure the demons all got "A's" in math.LOL
Pg.66 - Ah! I hate video camera people! Actually I liked the ones in House on Haunted Hill and House of Wax but I don't like Quentin at all. Someone needs to shove that camera up his ass.
Pg.71 - Why does Michael need the camera so much that he has to risk his life for it?
Pg.72 -How convenient! Too Convenient. I mean..what are the chances of finding a very expensive mini dv camera that plays that exact same kinda tape as the other camera!
Pg75 - This part (Stopping on the rollercoaster upsidedown with the shoulder restraints releases) reminds me of the opening of Fd3
Pg.77 - Stacey was jst brought back to get killed again. LOL
FINISHED!
I don't really understand the ending. At first you said they were on the final day...but in the morning...which is the next day...the rollercoasters kill again. In the end....where they have to climb the rope over the wall to escape the danger...i was having flashbacks to Night of the demons except in that movie, the rope was BARBED WIRE! Ouch! I really like the opening first 12 pages. I think that was the best part of the script. The best parts of course were the rides malfunctioning. I loved the bumper car bit. That was great! The logic behind it all was iffy. I mean...so what if it's 666. Why's they pick that park every single time? Why an amusement park at all? Why not a water park(i can see that), a zoo, grocery store! lol-Could you imagine killer brokley! I didn't really identify with any of your characters. I usually have a person that i root for but i didn't in this.
QUENTIN - He was annoying!That camera! Ugh!
MICHAEL - He was okay. a little bland
HALEY - She was exactly what you wanted her to be.
PAGE - Dumb, dumb, dumb! She didn't have a chance!
STACEY - I liked her but not really, she's okay
CAREY - I knew right away that she'd be the survivor. I wanted to know more about her. You barely focus on her.
GREG - I knew I was missing a character but I didn't know who so I had to look back in the script to find out who. I forgot all about him but i liked his death scene.
Overall...i think this was a pretty fun read despite some lapses in logic. Everything after the near death experience on Destination: Hell other then the death scenes was okay they kina of drag a little.
I enjoyed most of this
-sHaWn :) 8)