Sam Jones by ET - Short, Thriller - Will Sam Jones, a prisoner, escape? Or will his time to be gassed come? 4 pages - doc, format 8)

ET,

Format was fine but there were a few typos.

SPOILERS

I liked the say hello to my ex-girlfriend line and the other related dialogue that came from it.

However, I didn't really think it was much of a story. The guy breaks his cuffs, kills an inmate and a guard. After that he takes off into the night and the story ends. Sorry but it didn't really cut it for me.

I found it a bit strange that there was a woman in a men’s prison.

I also found it a little confusing when the prisoner grabbed the guards riffle, because earlier on you said the guard pulls out his gun, which conjured up images of him pulling out a pistol.

But like I said the format was fine as was the dialogue, I'm sure if you put a bit more imagination into it you could come up with something better. Good luck.

I agree with christopher. The format was fine and the dialogue was fine but the story didn't cut it for me

Was that girl supposed to be an inmate?

Thanks for reviewing my script, guys.

The woman was a typo error I guess.

SPOILERS

Sam Jones didn't take out a riffle, it was the metal file he killed Dan with.

END SPOILER

I know it's a really short script, I'll make the script longer in a second draft. Originally, it was meant to be ten pages, the prison scene was a prologue, and then the last seven pages were taken place at the present where high school students try to find out what happened to Sam Jones. But there was a twist ending, but I thought the twist ending was not really good, so I cut that out.

Thanks for the reviews.

Quoted from I_M SPOILERS Sam Jones didn't take out a riffle, it was the metal file he killed Dan with. END SPOILER

SPOILER

I knew Sam killed Dan with the file, but for some reason I thought he took the rifle off the guard and killed him with it. I guess at that point of the story I was a little confused because I thought the guard pulled out a pistol and then it said he had a rifle. So I still think you should have specified that the gun was a rifle when he first got it out.  

SPOILERS....MAYBE

So..it takes this Sam Jones guy thirty years to file those handcuffs? Now, I'm not expert, but I'm sure they would have broken by then or he would've given up.

Your descriptions were confusing. Takeshi basically covered that, so I'll move on.

Doesn't it say in the submission rules that you can't send unfinished script? What could possibly happen to this Sam Jones afterwards, anyway? if it's just him running from the cops, it's been done so many times. You didn't really set up any antagonsits (besides the polcie) so this couldn't really be a feature length yet.

Overall, it's cliched and silly. Shouldn't ahve posted it until you finished it.

Okay, I read this script and all I can say is that it  isn't that great of work.

I can tell that you wrote this in 20 minutes, and didn't review it at all. You didn't rewrite it or revise either. You just wrote it to get something on the boards to get criticism. I know you must be eager, but you should have taken your time.

It isn't all bad, but it is pretty different.

I didn't know that women were in the same prison as men, that would really suck for the women and men. Plus, the guard would have taken the file away from Sam if he saw him trying to get out.

He wouldn't watch stupidly and talk while the guy is escaping.

Is riffle supposed to be rifle???

Rewrite this, revise it, and take your time. I will read it again if you do post it again. Good luck...

1.5/5

This isn't really a story, dude.  I mean you got some nice descriptions of the prison and you got your prison violence which is always good, but after reading this it's like "okay?"  
As Sawyer said, it does seem rushed, and you should never ever do that.  Take your time, create a solid story, then show your work because then people will respect your work alot more.

*They don't gas prisoners in the US.  It's death by lethal injection
*When you want a subtitle put SUPER:
*Sam's breaking out, right?  I don't see why he would kill Dan and draw all of the attention.  He's been in the joint for 40 years so maybe he's just busting his way out.
*And the ending, it really wasn't there.  There's some violence and then a subtitle which says what happened, which you shouldn't do considering this is only 4 pages long.

So, yeah, work on that.  You're a talented writer though.  Much better than I was at your age, so just keep at it :)

I'm posting some rubbish just so the author can see that Greg and I reviewed his script.  :B

Thought I'd take a look at this, seeing as it's short and all.

This feels more like a teaser trailer for a movie than an actual story. You barely give us anything here. There's so much stuff you can expand upon here. Who is Sam Jones? Why is he in prison? What did he do? Why did he do it? Stuff like this is important for a legitimate story. Beef this up a couple pages and you might be in good shape. The format's in ship shape and the writing itself is pretty decent but other than that, right now, you have next to nothing. Make it something.