The Bridge by C.R. Hernandez & Daniel Herther (RonMexico) - Horror, Thriller - A doctor's investigation into the suicide of a patient draws her into a dark puzzle of life versus death in which she might be the key. 97 pages - pdf, format 8)

I just read this. Here are my comments: (spoilers)

The Good:
- Format is good. This was an easy read. Pages 13 and 63 have small typo errors.
- The pacing, especially in the beginning, is quite good. You build suspense well and kept me guessing at a million things while not being overwhelmed with "what's going on!?"
-You have a number of twists and "ghostly" concepts here that work really well.
-The algae is a great element (why, however, was it in Alice's apartment from the get go?)
- The final morgue scene is great. The zombie element was great, I would milk it a bit more.

Trouble Spots:

- I didn't really buy Alice's relationship with Wesley. If anything, I suspected him to be evil, and I think making Alice more suspicious would be a good thing. I also think you miss a great opportunity for them to relate, find a common ground to head off with each other, investigating. Why isn't he listening to the same jazz record she listened to earlier?
- I feel like the "backseat" and "sudden figure in the road" tricks have been used a lot. Try and think of something better. The idea of the backseat driver is good, but still flirting with cliche. I really think the algae is your strongest element here. How about it lighting a way on a map or something?
- The conversation with fatima about the lingering spirits is a major concept and twist...and Alice calmly takes it all in. The same can be said about the final confrontation with the doctor. Where's the horror and surprise!? the disgust?
- Last major thing: I feel like Alice has a rich past (scott, the death of her parents) but neither element is explored fully. I felt like i wanted you to pull in the parents death more throughout, and when Scott became a major factor, he felt a little flat.

Well thats all I'll say. In it's current form, the script keeps you reading, which is a lot to be said for a script. At 97 pages, you have a little wiggle room to add to this. I think with some work it could be a really great script.

First of all, I am one of the writers of the script, so I thank you guys for taking the time to consider reading it and would appreciate any comments you guys have.  I promise you, at the very least, a good and fast read.
Here's what I'm hoping to get as far as insight into this draft:

**SPOILERS**

I'm kinda stuck in terms of improving the second and third act, more the bigger picture sorta stuff.  Like our ideas, but for some reason, we can't nail it without it feeling a little cheesy and making it fit with the first act in terms of tone and creepyness. So all suggestions again would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for looking at this and I also look forward to reading all of your scripts as well.

Quoted from I_Am_Remote I just read this. Here are my comments: (spoilers) The Good: - Format is good. This was an easy read. Pages 13 and 63 have small typo errors. - The pacing, especially in the beginning, is quite good. You build suspense well and kept me guessing at a million things while not being overwhelmed with "what's going on!?" -You have a number of twists and "ghostly" concepts here that work really well. -The algae is a great element (why, however, was it in Alice's apartment from the get go?) - The final morgue scene is great. The zombie element was great, I would milk it a bit more. Trouble Spots: - I didn't really buy Alice's relationship with Wesley. If anything, I suspected him to be evil, and I think making Alice more suspicious would be a good thing. I also think you miss a great opportunity for them to relate, find a common ground to head off with each other, investigating. Why isn't he listening to the same jazz record she listened to earlier? - I feel like the "backseat" and "sudden figure in the road" tricks have been used a lot. Try and think of something better. The idea of the backseat driver is good, but still flirting with cliche. I really think the algae is your strongest element here. How about it lighting a way on a map or something? - The conversation with fatima about the lingering spirits is a major concept and twist...and Alice calmly takes it all in. The same can be said about the final confrontation with the doctor. Where's the horror and surprise!? the disgust? - Last major thing: I feel like Alice has a rich past (scott, the death of her parents) but neither element is explored fully. I felt like i wanted you to pull in the parents death more throughout, and when Scott became a major factor, he felt a little flat. Well thats all I'll say. In it's current form, the script keeps you reading, which is a lot to be said for a script. At 97 pages, you have a little wiggle room to add to this. I think with some work it could be a really great script.

Thanks for giving this a read. I really think you have some great ideas. Love the algae on the map and I think we'll incorporate that!!!  Let me know what I can read of yours.

Very well written script with great characters, good dialogue, and a twist no one would see coming at the end.


SPOILERS--------


The Bridge was a fairly good read, that reminded me very much of movies like the Ring, the Grudge, and What lies beneath. It’s a story where the protagonist is solving a mystery that contains a lot of supernatural creepy stuff. I want you to know that you really have a lot of creepy stuff in here. Your script is another example in which violence and gore is not needed to spook someone. The part in the script when Alice and Katrina play their “game” is really creepy to me, nothing really scary happens except the small image in the mirror, but the whole situation is just a good start. The quick flashes… just good. Another sign of a great writer is when parts of the script start to become frantic. The main character is running from one place to the next and things are jumping out of the blue and scaring her and stuff. Much of the script is in the hospital and I’ve seen many people try to fake what they know about procedures and things, and it comes out horrible you however pulled it off fine and all the procedures felt real. Scene transitions, descriptions of characters are very good, and things are made sense at the end like the algae. Well done.

This script was very good yes, but there were some spots in it that I think could be fleshed out a little more such as Scott’s character. I felt that Scott was a flat character. Nothing real different about him, besides the fact that he’s Death. Even so I wanted Scott to have some trait, some physical difference, or look that would separate him from the other people in the script. You probably did this to hide the fact that he was Death, but I think there should be something a little menacing about this guy.

I’ve probably said this too much, but you should steer clear from any clichés or things that even closely resemble movies that are already out there. Your story is about a female protagonist solving a mystery involving ghosts. People are going to immediately think about movies they’ve seen in the past and if your script even remotely resembles them then they’re gonna jump all over it thinking they've got something on you. Here’s some things that remotely resemble other movies.--

-Main character having to brake in the middle of the road to avoid a ghost.(What lies Beneath) You don't really even need that part.
-Certain scar that shows up on some victims. (The Ring)
-“Special” tape. (The Ring)
-Woman having an “evil” child. (Omen)

I’ll give it to you. The dialogue was very authentic and believable in a lot of places, but around page 76 or so things just got so... weird. I really didn’t like the conversation between Fatima and Alice on page 76 and 77 either I missed something or Fatima just out of the blue starts talking about how she was a jumper. It just seemed too out of the blue, and came off as a little corny to me. I know this isn’t true, but it almost felt like you were in a rush to finish the script. Things just started to be revealed to Alice, first Fatima then Dr. Warner. Alice didn’t have to do any of her sleuthing to figure those things out.

Your script is a good length, because you have just enough room to add and just enough room to cut things out. The action lines clearly show the visual action, good job on that. Alice has consistent forces trying to stop her from reaching her goals, and Alice is a very well-thought out character who not only has external, but internal goals. However the only really stand out supporting character for me was Wesley, the others weren’t as well thought out. Audiences really like supporting characters believe it or not. They should contrast the main one.

For me act one ended way too soon. I’d say it stopped around page twelve, and Act two was much longer than it should have been. Try to space things out better.

Minor spelling mistakes... no biggie.
-On page 63 you have "The picture of Teresa is the comes out after he keys are plopped on the table." What the heck does that mean?
-Page 76 you have “Please forgive me if was rude to you.” this should be “Please forgive me if I was rude to you.”
-On page 13 you have “Puts in a a sad jazz…”


Oh yeah almost forgot please explain the ending to me. What exactly happened to Alice’s Son?


Good Luck. Awesome read!

This is very well written, actually.  Good format.  Good story.  Good pacing.  I'm just warning you up front that I tend to dwell more on the negatives, which do more good in the long run, you know?

Comments as I go, with SPOILERS:



*  Placing the credits in a spec script is always iffy.  It's the director's call, really.  And I wouldn't put them where you did anyway.  Putting them "over" the funeral would probably play better.
*  I let the first "meet" for Alice go, but then you've got another for Teresa.  You should stop introducing characters that way.  It's kind of weird.  To me anyway.
*  Erm...how does Teresa get a bloody hand rubbing her belly?  Wouldn't she have to be rubbing...well...never mind haha.  Does this have something to do with the scar you keep mentioning?  Is that bleeding?  Give us more description of the scar than "odd looking", would you�  Where is it?  How long is it?  There is a line between holding back information for later and actually confusing the reader.  You are confusing this reader.
*  The bridge scene is good.  So is the nursery scene.  So is the picture.  Just giving you a little good stuff.
*  Bloody Mary???  Oh, no -- Please tell me we aren't going there.  There are, like, 15 Bloody Mary scripts around here, and God knows how many in the world at large.  Unless this scene is pivotal, I say lose it.  If you include this scene you risk having a producer toss the script right off his desk at this point, so beware...
*  Don't use "sotto" haha.  Use a word everyone knows.
*  The trucker "smells of booze."  A detail that doesn't belong in a script.  Just sayin'.  But I do look forward to meeting the Fisherman.  Great potential there for a very compelling character.
*  "Casanova to Machiavelli in two seconds."  This is good writing here.
*  While Alice is watching the tape -- and the picture falls -- she should be startled.
*  Fatima gives Alice a pretty big reveal on page 78 or so.  I think Alice handles this new information -- and believes all of it -- way too easily.
*  For my own tastes, I think the ending was a little too ambiguous.  I sense what you are going for, but that final scene is lacking a bit as you've got it now, I think.  At least give us some O.S. sounds that help us to understand what is happening.

Alice's treatment early on by the hospital is a big plot point, but I wonder how accurate it is.  Do hospitals actually work that way?  A few minutes of asking questions to the right people could probably lend your story a lot more authenticity in this regard.  I'm a big believer in researching what you choose to write about, at least a bit.  Great ideas that would never have occurred to you otherwise pop up all the time that way.

I understand (I think) Scott's role in this story, but am left wondering why he needed to work as a bartender.  That's a small point that could use some clarification.  Must he have a job for this story to work?  Couldn't he just be in the bar?

And as a final point, having read the story now, I would encourage you to lose the Bloody Mary thing.  It misleads the reader into thinking you are going in one direction, when you are actually telling a different (and better) story.  You can still incorporate Katrina and the mirror without using the game, I think.

Good job to both authors.  Ahead of the curve, particularly for horror.

Quoted from TAnthony Very well written script with great characters, good dialogue, and a twist no one would see coming at the end. SPOILERS-------- The Bridge was a fairly good read, that reminded me very much of movies like the Ring, the Grudge, and What lies beneath. It’s a story where the protagonist is solving a mystery that contains a lot of supernatural creepy stuff. I want you to know that you really have a lot of creepy stuff in here. Your script is another example in which violence and gore is not needed to spook someone. The part in the script when Alice and Katrina play their “game” is really creepy to me, nothing really scary happens except the small image in the mirror, but the whole situation is just a good start. The quick flashes… just good. Another sign of a great writer is when parts of the script start to become frantic. The main character is running from one place to the next and things are jumping out of the blue and scaring her and stuff. Much of the script is in the hospital and I’ve seen many people try to fake what they know about procedures and things, and it comes out horrible you however pulled it off fine and all the procedures felt real. Scene transitions, descriptions of characters are very good, and things are made sense at the end like the algae. Well done. This script was very good yes, but there were some spots in it that I think could be fleshed out a little more such as Scott’s character. I felt that Scott was a flat character. Nothing real different about him, besides the fact that he’s Death. Even so I wanted Scott to have some trait, some physical difference, or look that would separate him from the other people in the script. You probably did this to hide the fact that he was Death, but I think there should be something a little menacing about this guy. I’ve probably said this too much, but you should steer clear from any clichés or things that even closely resemble movies that are already out there. Your story is about a female protagonist solving a mystery involving ghosts. People are going to immediately think about movies they’ve seen in the past and if your script even remotely resembles them then they’re gonna jump all over it thinking they've got something on you. Here’s some things that remotely resemble other movies.-- -Main character having to brake in the middle of the road to avoid a ghost.(What lies Beneath) You don't really even need that part. -Certain scar that shows up on some victims. (The Ring) -“Special” tape. (The Ring) -Woman having an “evil” child. (Omen) I’ll give it to you. The dialogue was very authentic and believable in a lot of places, but around page 76 or so things just got so... weird. I really didn’t like the conversation between Fatima and Alice on page 76 and 77 either I missed something or Fatima just out of the blue starts talking about how she was a jumper. It just seemed too out of the blue, and came off as a little corny to me. I know this isn’t true, but it almost felt like you were in a rush to finish the script. Things just started to be revealed to Alice, first Fatima then Dr. Warner. Alice didn’t have to do any of her sleuthing to figure those things out. Your script is a good length, because you have just enough room to add and just enough room to cut things out. The action lines clearly show the visual action, good job on that. Alice has consistent forces trying to stop her from reaching her goals, and Alice is a very well-thought out character who not only has external, but internal goals. However the only really stand out supporting character for me was Wesley, the others weren’t as well thought out. Audiences really like supporting characters believe it or not. They should contrast the main one. For me act one ended way too soon. I’d say it stopped around page twelve, and Act two was much longer than it should have been. Try to space things out better. Minor spelling mistakes... no biggie. -On page 63 you have "The picture of Teresa is the comes out after he keys are plopped on the table." What the heck does that mean? -Page 76 you have “Please forgive me if was rude to you.” this should be “Please forgive me if I was rude to you.” -On page 13 you have “Puts in a a sad jazz…” Oh yeah almost forgot please explain the ending to me. What exactly happened to Alice’s Son? Good Luck. Awesome read!

Thanks for the read TA.  I'm actually not sure where I'm going with the ending.  I was hoping to get some ideas because I know there is a problem there but can't figure out how to fix it without tearing the script apart.  Scott is obviously Death.  The son of Death thing is a little too ROSEMARY'S BABY/OMEN - ish, but can't figure out how to make it fresh.

Quoted from bert This is very well written, actually.  Good format.  Good story.  Good pacing.  I'm just warning you up front that I tend to dwell more on the negatives, which do more good in the long run, you know? Comments as I go, with SPOILERS: *  Placing the credits in a spec script is always iffy.  It's the director's call, really.  And I wouldn't put them where you did anyway.  Putting them "over" the funeral would probably play better. *  I let the first "meet" for Alice go, but then you've got another for Teresa.  You should stop introducing characters that way.  It's kind of weird.  To me anyway. *  Erm...how does Teresa get a bloody hand rubbing her belly?  Wouldn't she have to be rubbing...well...never mind haha.  Does this have something to do with the scar you keep mentioning?  Is that bleeding?  Give us more description of the scar than "odd looking", would you�  Where is it?  How long is it?  There is a line between holding back information for later and actually confusing the reader.  You are confusing this reader. *  The bridge scene is good.  So is the nursery scene.  So is the picture.  Just giving you a little good stuff. *  Bloody Mary???  Oh, no -- Please tell me we aren't going there.  There are, like, 15 Bloody Mary scripts around here, and God knows how many in the world at large.  Unless this scene is pivotal, I say lose it.  If you include this scene you risk having a producer toss the script right off his desk at this point, so beware... *  Don't use "sotto" haha.  Use a word everyone knows. *  The trucker "smells of booze."  A detail that doesn't belong in a script.  Just sayin'.  But I do look forward to meeting the Fisherman.  Great potential there for a very compelling character. *  "Casanova to Machiavelli in two seconds."  This is good writing here. *  While Alice is watching the tape -- and the picture falls -- she should be startled. *  Fatima gives Alice a pretty big reveal on page 78 or so.  I think Alice handles this new information -- and believes all of it -- way too easily. *  For my own tastes, I think the ending was a little too ambiguous.  I sense what you are going for, but that final scene is lacking a bit as you've got it now, I think.  At least give us some O.S. sounds that help us to understand what is happening. Alice's treatment early on by the hospital is a big plot point, but I wonder how accurate it is.  Do hospitals actually work that way?  A few minutes of asking questions to the right people could probably lend your story a lot more authenticity in this regard.  I'm a big believer in researching what you choose to write about, at least a bit.  Great ideas that would never have occurred to you otherwise pop up all the time that way. I understand (I think) Scott's role in this story, but am left wondering why he needed to work as a bartender.  That's a small point that could use some clarification.  Must he have a job for this story to work?  Couldn't he just be in the bar? And as a final point, having read the story now, I would encourage you to lose the Bloody Mary thing.  It misleads the reader into thinking you are going in one direction, when you are actually telling a different (and better) story.  You can still incorporate Katrina and the mirror without using the game, I think. Good job to both authors.  Ahead of the curve, particularly for horror.

Thanks for the read Bert.  I think lots of your ideas are helpful.  I actually laughed on your blood/belly comment.  Never thought of that before but makes perfect sense.  

Like I said above, I'm really trying to figure out how to give the ending a cool, original feel that makes sense and wouldn't cause me to tear apart half the script.  I understand that in writing, you have to kill your babies.  I just feel that there is an idea there to fix what I think is wrong w/ the end of 2nd/3rd act and haven't found it yet.

I read the script of THE BRIDGE over 2 nights..
I know. But I'm talking late at night.
Yeah! It would be good to be made as a movie..
Great dialogue. Good characters. The whole works.

Who knows? I could turn it into a movie if I wanted to..
Just have to find a good producer..

WAYNE!  :D