Reality Fiction by Daniel J. Toemta (Alfred Hitchcock) - Short, Action - J.P., a man in his forties, is sitting down at a table in a booth. He's drinking a cup of coffee. Without a word, a waitress comes over and gives him his bill. She leaves. J.P. then turns his head and looks directly at us. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

This script was very problematic, starting with the poor formatting and ending with dull characters.  Never start a script with two pages of monologue.  If you need to have someone talk that long, break it up with some sort of action.  JP can stir his coffee.  He was play with sugar packets.  He can blow a straw wrapper across the diner.  Anything!  REading this was like reading a newpaper column.

You wrote 'without a word, the waitress comes over and gives him the bill.  It's unnecessary to say 'without a word' if she has no dialogue.  It's like saying 'the waitress does not wear a red hair clip.'  Don't describe things that aren't there; describe things that are.

Is it important to mention what Stanley and Robert are wearing?  Is it important mention what type of gun is used?  If not, then don't mention them.

None of these characters caught my interest.  I understand it's sometimes hard to develop characters in such a short piece, but you have to try.


Phil

This one read like a general complaint about the film industry and then what you want to do to them. I get that your main character kills the guys out of frustration because they disagree with them, and I get the irony of the bad guy winning lik ein his pitch, but what does your main character get out of this? His satisfaction will be short-lived when he gets no where on his next pitch. Killing these execs won't get him any deals. It all felt rather pointless to me. There has to be a goal of some sort somewhere in there. Some sort of action to drive us forward. Something that the character wants and aims for. His violence came out of no where.

And I agree with Phil on the monologue. That was way, way, way too long, and just felt like a commentary.

I'm sure everyone has said everything I'm about to say, but this is a big blow towards Hollywood if that's what you're trying to get at. The dialogue for the first one or two pages dragged on and on until I wanted to just close the script.

It wasn't bad, don't get me wrong, but it lagged.

You make a good point, but your script here isn't very... Superb???

2/5

Ok quite a few things to comment on here.

first off Phil,

ok you've had your "format" revenge with me. say we bury the hatchet on that alright?

other than that you make a few good points.

too long and reads like a newspaper column. well when i wrote it i set out to write something totally NOT realistic so whenever you say something like "it read like a newspaper column." then, to me, that's a compliment to my writing. ;D

you make a point with the whole "without a word" thing and i appologise for this. my mistake.

it IS in fact important to say what they're wearing and what gun is used. it's important to mention what they're wearing cos A. you usually do that in a script when you describe a character. and B. it suggests that Stanley is smarter and more sophisticated than Robert when he wears a better suit which only adds to his character and also may help to explain why only Stanley and not Robert understood the joke about rene descartes.

i meantioned the gun type because the script isn't supposed to read like a realistic one and last time i checked they don't use those kinds of guns anymore.

about your complaint on my characters... nothing to do about that really. i'll try harder next time.



George,

yes it was a complaint about film industry. i'm glad you caught the message.

now although i wrote it i don't know EVERYTHING about the characters and the scene. it's your job, as a reader, to figure out for yourself why he did what he did. although if you desperately want an answer i'll make one up for you?

once again thanks for making my point about the monolouge. ;D


James,

not a pop culture fan are we? that's fine, it's not for everyone. but all the NON writers i've shown this to loved it to death! glad you didn't thought it sucked though.  ;D

about it lagging i'm sorry i can't do nothing about that. i guess next time i write something like this i'll work harder on the dialouge.


thanks to everyone who read it and replied!

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock ok you've had your "format" revenge with me. say we bury the hatchet on that alright?

What format revenge?  I reviewed your script and I pointed out the problems with it.  Don't use 'format revenge' as an an explanation for other people's criticism.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock too long and reads like a newspaper column. well when i wrote it i set out to write something totally NOT realistic so whenever you say something like "it read like a newspaper column." then, to me, that's a compliment to my writing.

It's a compliment?  It was a big screenwriting mistake and made for a dull and difficult read.  How is that a compliment?

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock it IS in fact important to say what they're wearing and what gun is used. it's important to mention what they're wearing cos A. you usually do that in a script when you describe a character. and B. it suggests that Stanley is smarter and more sophisticated than Robert when he wears a better suit which only adds to his character and also may help to explain why only Stanley and not Robert understood the joke about rene descartes.

The only way I'd be able to tell Robert and Stanley apart would be through their suits.  Stanley didn't come off smarter or more sophisticated than Robert.  I've read enough scripts here where the writer describes the four main characters as a jock, a geek, a pot head and a romantic, but never go into character development past that.  The four's dialogue and actions are all the same.  You have the same problem here.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock i meantioned the gun type because the script isn't supposed to read like a realistic one and last time i checked they don't use those kinds of guns anymore.

Spec scripts don't include such information.  And don't say this was a shooting script, because it didn't read like one.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock about your complaint on my characters... nothing to do about that really. i'll try harder next time. There's always rewrites. [quote=Alfred_Hitchcock]now although i wrote it i don't know EVERYTHING about the characters and the scene. it's your job, as a reader, to figure out for yourself why he did what he did. although if you desperately want an answer i'll make one up for you?

We can only figure out the characters if they're developed.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock not a pop culture fan are we? that's fine, it's not for everyone. but all the NON writers i've shown this to loved it to death!

Now, you're showing it to writers.  We demand more.  We're a tougher audience.


Phil

I'm into pop culture. I may have sounded like I didn't like your script. I did, but that lagging dialogue until we get to the point got me a little bored with it. Other than that it was fine.

So basically my only problem was lagging dialogue in the beginning, and for some reason at the end I felt confused, but now it's all making sense. I change the 2 to a 3.

Wow, what a ripoff of Swordfish.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock now although i wrote it i don't know EVERYTHING about the characters and the scene. it's your job, as a reader, to figure out for yourself why he did what he did. although if you desperately want an answer i'll make one up for you?

It's actually your job as a writer to know everything about the characters. Do I want you to make something up? NO! I want you to define this character so completely that his action is not only explained, but it is inevitable. I want to see the character make the decision based on what he does and what happens to him, but to do that, you have to know him. It is said when Leo Tolstoy wrote War and Peace, he had a notebook as thick as the final novel with information about every character in the book. Characters are important, and while you don't write every detail about the characters in the script, you have to know them inside and out. You have to know why J.P. did what he did. You have to know where the characters came from and where they intended to go before their life changed. You have to know YOUR vision of what they look like, what they're wearing, and all tat stuff that as screenwriters, we don't put in, but we know because that information affects how we write them. You have a short script here with 3 characters that are underdeveloped and you admit that you don't know that well. It is NOT the audience's job to figure out YOUR characters. That is your job. If you don't know them, you did not write them well enough for us to figure them out.

I wrote a dramatic script once that has six characters. Before I wrote the just over 90 page script, I had 10 pages of note for these characters. I detailed everything they did not only in the scenes they were in, but justified where they were between scenes. I gave thoughts, emotions, reactions, and a lot of stuff I can't write in a screenplay, but have to show there through dialogue and action. I wrote the script for someone else, but I feel it's one of my best works because I felt I knew the characters so strongly by the end.

If you won't listen to anything else, listen to this: if you can't define characters in a short, how are we to think that you can do it in a feature?

eh.... i'm 15?


no seriously i'll try harder with that next time.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock eh.... i'm 15? no seriously i'll try harder with that next time.

I gather you were kidding with the 15 comment, but you might keep in mind that age does not exist here in cyberspace. We're all on the same level and everyone gets the same level of scrutiny regardless of how old or young they are. This is both a blessing and a curse of the net. When I open something, I don't care how old the writer is. I read good and bad work from all age groups on here. One guy who had some notoriety was supposed to be in his forties and he couldn't string two words together and never listed to anyone. Others are younger than you and can develop their characters in a way I was never able to do in my early 20's. Everyone develops at different rates, but here, everyone is measured by the same scale. It doesn't matter if I'm reading your scripts or Phil's scripts, I use the same ruler on you both. Keep that in mind. Keep writing.

yeah i was kidding.

and i can deal with what you said. just keep in mind my signature. ;)

Alfred, are you trying to be the next Tarantino? Try best, please :)

No. Realized it today, I'm gonna be my own writer. I re-wrote this script a bit (I didn't fix the monolouge which I basicly just wrote to write) and re-submitted it. Should be up in a while. I'm also working on another J.P. story Which I will submit as soon as I've finished.

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock I re-wrote this script a bit (I didn't fix the monolouge which I basicly just wrote to write) and re-submitted it.

I think most, if not all, who read this brought up that the monologue is the first thing that should be altered, if just a little. You re-submitted a rewrite without fixing it? I don't think that's a smart move. I know you want to be your own writer and all, everyone does. But I think it'd be smart if you took in the advise. That monologue was enormous and it was very hard to keep going with it at times. Breaking it up with what Phil has already mentioned would make this a much better script to read. Right now, I couldn't even think about reading the rewrite, unless I skipped past the monologue, which is half your story I think.

Besides all that, it was a good story. A little psychotic, but good, and I liked it despite the first half of it. Please break it up a little. It'd help greatly.

I know all that but it's as simple as this. I don't have the energy to do it. It's just a small short anyway, no big deal. I'll leave it like that and do better on the next one. I might fix it one night when I'm bored or something.

Tag -- yer it! Since my arch nemisis Philly has inserted his two cents into your juke box, I though it only proper to toss in my quarter.

First, for the length of the opening. Well... eh, yeah it could be too long for such a short piece. And to say it never works is just wrong. For proof go read the opening of Sling Blade and then watch the movie. It seems to me it works wonderfully, but you also have to take into account that Sling Blade was a feature length script and written by a well known person in Hollywood. Ha Ha!

I did like your story almost alot. Hints of Tarentino and Pulp Fiction definately detrack from your writing style. I think after reading this you have talent and could be so much better than that hack if you'll write from your strenght... which as all good writers know is your voice.

A thought to make this better. The long dialogue up front could be broken into several scenes. Use the dialogue as a voice over to tell the story and the scenes to show the story. For example, you write about someone doing drugs in Hollywood. Well, try to show us that scene while you deliver the voice over to tell us what we are seeing.

You ending was way to much like a scene out of Pulp Fiction. Make the ending yours not someone elses. Again, use your strength which is your voice. And I would take the dude out of the diner and put him in a liquor store or something.  Hope that helps and if not then oh well.

Spencer

It helped, thanks. I'm submitting the new J.P. story tonight. hope you'll take a look.

Hey Daniel,

I have to agree with the majority here and say the opening dialogue is way too long.  I would sugeest breaking it up even with simple actions like J.P takes a sip of coffee and so on.

It's an interesting story and I liked it.  I do feel some of your descriptions need tightening I would try not to include emotions, like saying things like 'Stanley opens his eyes wondering what the f+#k just happened.'

As far as not wanting to change it, thats your choice.  It's hard to change your own vision and you shouldn't feel pressured into doing it.

All in all, good job Daniel.

Daniel,

The opening monologue does not work. You already know that. So change it.
An option would be to have his 'friends' at the table interrupt him while he is talking, frustrating him. This might even give him the motivation to shoot them - which is lacking.

The happy ending/villian winning premise you are presenting was approached in The Player - a movie by Robert Altman - Have you seen this movie?

I liked the Descartes joke.

He's still alive and trying  - try not to use still.

Probably to make him suffer - there's no probably about it. Stanley suffers.

wondering what the fuck just happened - lots of people would complain about the fuck, but what I think is wrong with this is the wondering.

just to see if he is alive or not - again, someone is wondering, even though you didn't use that word.

Terrified customers in the coffee shop has already - should be have already, but then again this is past tense. Your action should always be present tense.

He's still holding his gun - still again. don't use still and don't use suddenly (you don't use suddenly but I thought I would throw that in there anyway).

He then walks over - you don't need the then.

J.P. never looks back - he doesn't never look back - he doesn't look back (at this point in time)

All in all, good job.

No havent' seen that film but I'm gonna! Read The Filmmaker when it comes out if you wanna know more about J.P!

As I mentioned to you in reply to your PM with the exact same statement, yes it is sort of a Swordfish rip off. The whole thing was just an excuse to do a long monolouge about films. A  monolouge which I wrote in one english class when I was bored.

But I did get a good thing out of it: The character J.P. which I'm gonna be writing more about in the future. He also stars in an upcoming short (which I submitted over a week ago, get a move on Don! :P) entitled The Filmmaker.

Daniel,

The Filmmaker is an interesting short. The problem is that the script doesn't really stand alone. Part of it is J.P. and his complete mysteriousness, but also troublesome is the story itself. I liken the script to pulp fiction, and in that sense, this scene could work as part of a longer piece broken down into a few different stories. The reason similar scene's in pulp fiction work is because we know Who jules and vincent are working for (Wallace). If we had more to this story, I think I would like it more. That's not to say I didn't like it at all, but it just seems too fragmented for now. I know you are working on other stories with J.P. so maybe if they all tie together, and we get more of him and his world, I could get more into this paticular scene.

Another thing that bothered me was the focus on Tiffany and JO. If he knows he';s gonna kil her, why would he talk to her at all? I think right after she gets the coffee Shear should walk in. Sure, their dialogue makes it more shocking when J.P. shoots her, but the dialogue is not important, and it drags on.

Some notes:

Page 4 - “Get off when the counter hits five.” – Is she trying to be cute? If not it’s a completely wasted comment.

Page 8 – “Never give out your name to people who didn't ask for it.” I think should be “…who don’t ask…”

I like the reference to die hard, but A) some people might not know the reference, so you might want to explain it, and B) I thought the tip cured motion sickness, not fear of flying.

Page 9 – “Denmark actually. My father has some friends there. I didn't like it much though because I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone there.“ could be shortened. start by dropping “actually” and “though.” Also it's the second time Tiffany says “I didn’t like it much” in 2 lines of dialogue. Make it smoother.

I have to agree with most everyone else, that if you want this script to stand alone you need to flesh out the characters, and as George Wilson said, YOu must know your characters. You should be able to tell me where he was born, what his parents did for a living, when he moved out, all the jobs his ever had, where he met his wife, where he lives know, his favorite food, baseball team, music, movie, and book, and the scariest thing that ever happened to him.

If this is a character you like, I say keep writing about him, and thinking of bigger broader stories that he could get involved with. Who knows, maybe one day it will all come together in a feature length script.

Keep it up.

-RH

Quoted Text The Filmmaker by Daniel Toemta - Short - J.P., a man in his forties, walks in and steps up to the front desk. The Lobby is fairly busy, with a few people in normal work clothes walking in and out. 14 pages

So what happens in the other 13.9 pages?


Phil

she's sixteen and flirting" You need to describe what she does to indicate she is flirting
J.P. smiles. that all you need after that
pg 7. rule of thumb, no more then 5 lines to a paragraph
those movies title do not play a part in the script in pushing forward so no need to list specific tiles

I feel as of pg 10. She is way to open with communication for "being on the job" about her self. I know you Say she rambles but you also say no one would ever get her" If she really believes that then she wouldnt try and carry long conversation with a man flirting with her and she also has a boy friend. He needs to try and get her to talk to show he is the friendly one.

Like he notices things on her desk and ases questions with forces her to reply/taking awy from he duties without being rude.
pg 13. "We'll see about that" seems out of place/corny and flat. doesnt need anyting unless " Move"
"its too late" The goes without saying since, alex just said " he didnt have to send you" So that indicates things reaches a point of no return with J.P.
Shear suddenly go affraid to barking ordera, doesnt feel right.

You need to move all VERBS into active sentences, by removing INGS and condense your sentences.
Shear is sweating" Shear sweats"

Replace is, are with attractive verbs.

Uncomfortable cant be filmed. just put silence. or Show us what makes it uncomfortable.

You dont need to have the end

I didnt notice any spelling or grammar mistakes which is good.

Toward the end J.P. had too many bad one liners...

ALSo You cant NAME people who name isnt shown or told in dialogue

example. coffee break guys.

Your dialog was good.

Also I would think this hitman so to speak would have a silencer for a wep since he plans on killing people in public. Colt would be too loud. And some one like J.P. does this for a living wouldnt have loud gun.

Overall Decent short script, structurely better then the average "rookie" writer. I can tell you been at writing for a while. Better then I exspected! i enjoyed it and nice twist to was reallywhat he was up to. I did notice they he was lying about college buddies. So good way of hinting without blunting places it out.

Thanks for all your replies :)    

Quoted from Ike Page 4 - "Get off when the counter hits five." Is she trying to be cute? If not it's a completely wasted comment.     I like the reference to die hard, but A) some people might not know the reference, so you might want to explain it, and B) I thought the tip cured motion sickness, not fear of flying.     I have to agree with most everyone else, that if you want this script to stand alone you need to flesh out the characters, and as George Wilson said, YOu must know your characters. You should be able to tell me where he was born, what his parents did for a living, when he moved out, all the jobs his ever had, where he met his wife, where he lives know, his favorite food, baseball team, music, movie, and book, and the scariest thing that ever happened to him.     If this is a character you like, I say keep writing about him, and thinking of bigger broader stories that he could get involved with. Who knows, maybe one day it will all come together in a feature length script.     Keep it up.     -RH

    

Thanks for reading,    

1. Yeah she is... I'd say that was pretty clear :-/  That was actually a Die Hard refrence "Elevator over there, get off when you hear the noise."

2. No need to explain it, you either get it or not, it's a trivia thing, just move on with the story. This is part of the J.P. character, he automaticly thinks everyone knows all the films he's seen.    

3. As I mentioned above... I know the character. Ask me anything about him! Ask me about the backstory to this short, J.P.'s full name, where he lives, what's in the envelope, why was she being so open... I can answer it all.    

4. That's the plan! :)    

Quoted from dogglebe     So what happens in the other 13.9 pages?      Phil

  

Well, he walks into an office and has a conversation with someone and then Shear walks in and they have a confrontation.

Quoted from JD_OK she's sixteen and flirting" You need to describe what she does to indicate she is flirting J.P. smiles. that all you need after that pg 7. rule of thumb, no more then 5 lines to a paragraph those movies title do not play a part in the script in pushing forward so no need to list specific tiles I feel as of pg 10. She is way to open with communication for "being on the job" about her self. I know you Say she rambles but you also say no one would ever get her" If she really believes that then she wouldnt try and carry long conversation with a man flirting with her and she also has a boy friend. He needs to try and get her to talk to show he is the friendly one. Like he notices things on her desk and ases questions with forces her to reply/taking awy from he duties without being rude. pg 13. "We'll see about that" seems out of place/corny and flat. doesnt need anyting unless " Move" "its too late" The goes without saying since, alex just said " he didnt have to send you" So that indicates things reaches a point of no return with J.P. Shear suddenly go affraid to barking ordera, doesnt feel right. You need to move all VERBS into active sentences, by removing INGS and condense your sentences. Shear is sweating" Shear sweats" Replace is, are with attractive verbs. Uncomfortable cant be filmed. just put silence. or Show us what makes it uncomfortable. You dont need to have the end I didnt notice any spelling or grammar mistakes which is good. Toward the end J.P. had too many bad one liners... ALSo You cant NAME people who name isnt shown or told in dialogue example. coffee break guys. Your dialog was good. Also I would think this hitman so to speak would have a silencer for a wep since he plans on killing people in public. Colt would be too loud. And some one like J.P. does this for a living wouldnt have loud gun. Overall Decent short script, structurely better then the average "rookie" writer. I can tell you been at writing for a while. Better then I exspected! i enjoyed it and nice twist to was reallywhat he was up to. I did notice they he was lying about college buddies. So good way of hinting without blunting places it out.

I advice you to read it again, I've already fixed a few of those things... But not all of them though.

Thanks for reading! :)

Quoted Text So what happens in the other 13.9 pages?

Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock Well, he walks into an office and has a conversation with someone and then Shear walks in and they have a confrontation.

I only wrote this because I noticed that your synopses are the first lines in your scripts, after the header.  They don't really say what your scripts are about.


Phil

This is intentional. Sort of a screwed up logline idea I got, since it's a series, I assume that you've read at least one story and the first action lines on the script is supposed to make you interested and ask yourself "What the hell is he up to now?"

But if this is wrong, I appologize. No need to start a discussion.

This wasn't bad at all.

I had no problem with the sudden violence; and liked the mysterious Keyser Soze/Devil-like "Him" in the script.

I do think the script suffers from WAY too many references to other films. It was very in your face and distracted me from the characters, in that it sounded like the writer speaking; telling a snide inside joke, more than a natural conversation.

The empty dialogue about movies could be used to hint or foreshadow the upcoming violence. Give J.P. something to do. Something to fidget with? A set of matches...maybe he smokes in a place he's not supposed to? Hint a bit at his sinister nature, without giving it away.

This was surreal and not realistic in any way, so I don't think it's apt critique to question the pragmatics of J.P.'s career choice to waste the Exec. I personally felt J.P. was somewhat an agent of the Devil or some very powerful, all-seeing, all-knowing figure and the exec had made some sort of deal with the devil.

As a visual-driven short this could work. As a plot-driven work it doesn't.

Daniel,

You wanted me to read your script so I did.

SPOILERS:

First the positive…..

I think you’ve done very well regarding your English considering your age and living in Norway. Format was alright, not perfect but I don’t worry too much about that right now.

Now the negative……

The problem with your script is your story.

“J.P., a man in his forties, walks in and steps up to the front desk. The Lobby is fairly busy, with a few people in normal work clothes walking in and out. “

That’s your logline, but that is not what the story is about. The story is really about J.P coming to retrieve something from Mr. Shear. Do you see the difference? First you have to identify the story in just one or two sentences. That can be hard sometimes and I stink at loglines, so I know it can be tricky.

Now when the story has been identified, then you can see that most of what you have here in these 14 pages don’t really have anything to do with the story itself. It’s just fluff and fluff on screen bores people and make their minds wander. It would be much better if you trimmed down this particular story to a tight 5 page script than leave it as a long boring piece that makes little or no sense.

The receptionist in the beginning, talking on the phone add nothing to the story. Ditto that for the two men talking about a porno tape being mixed up at a middle school. It has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Remember, every single line in the script should move the story forward, otherwise it does not have a place in the script, and that goes for dialogue as well.

The ending has basically nothing leading up to it, therefore it seems unbelievable and random that he kills two people.

I also felt cheated that you did not let us know what was in the envelope. Must have been pretty important to kill two people over.

I hope you don’t think I’m being mean spirited here. I’m just trying to help you identify the real story,  so you can make it better. Hope this helped.

Pia  :)

The James Bond tagline: "James Bond will return."

The Kevin Smith movie tagline: "Jay and Silent Bob will return."

The Filmmaker tagline: "Mr. Manero, the two guys and the envelope will return."

Thanks for your comments!

Okay, yeah...

Thanks

The biggest problem I had with The Filmmaker was that it dragged in a big big way.  JP spends two pages talking to Caroline when she's not even a part of the story.  Then Walter and the other guy talk for a page and a half.  Then there's four pages of Tiffany.  That's seven and a half pages--half of your script--spent on meaningless chatter.

You have to ask yourself this:  would it make a difference two the story if these people were not in the script.  IMHO, the answer is 'no.'  Maybe Tiffany has some impact, but not that much.  The conversation between her and J.P. had nothing to do with anything.  Europe has nothing to do with the story.  Change this conversation to something important.  Something that moves the story somewhere.  And Walter and the other guy?  Remove them completely!  Their roles in the story couldn't be any less relevent if they were talking about Tupperware.

I don't see where you're going with this series.  After chapter/episode two, the reader should have more of a clue with the story.  Someone, earlier, mentioned Swordfish.  I think of Get Shorty when I read this.  Maybe you can call the series, 'The Thugs of Hollywood.'

I also had a big problem with the set up to chapter two.  A receptionist does not sit in the lobby of an office building.  The lobbyist (more commonly known as 'the peoople in the lobby') do this.  You walk up to them and say, "I'd like to see Mister Smith.  I'm Mister Jones."  They in turn, call Mister Smith's assistant who says either to send him up or not.  If you don't have an appointment, chances are you are not going up there.  This keeps the idiots away.  This would be especially true if Mister Smith makes movies; otherwise every next-Tarantino would be hanging out in his office all day and he's never get any real business done.  This also keeps psychos away from you.

Your font size seemed small to me.  That will actually upset professional readers if they think your cramming a 150 page script into a 110 page script.

What software package, if any, are you using?


Phil

open office. that's it.

thanks for your review.