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Posted by: Don, June 12th, 2006, 8:59pm
Coffee & Inspiration by Mike Shelton - Comedy - A young writer with an odd case of writer's block spends the day in a coffee shop in search of inspiration, but gets far more than he could hope for when a wide variety of characters including a lounge singer, a germophobe, and an indentured servant stripper filter in throughout the night. 104 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Shelton, June 13th, 2006, 12:17am; Reply: 1
Thanks for getting this up, Don.

I wrote this as a "short feature" with an ultra low budget in mind, keeping the entire script in a single location.

If nothing else, I hope it comes out as a somewhat realistic character study, and how random everyday things can be interesting, but that's probably just the people watcher in me.

On the plus side, it gave me an opportuninty to bring back one of my favorite characters, even if it is in a somewhat different role.

Hope you guys enjoy it.
Posted by: bert, June 13th, 2006, 12:35pm; Reply: 2
I'll take first shot at this one since I know who is "in" here and want to see what you've done with him.

SPOILERS:


*  The page numbers should also be in Courier.
*  Barb says, "...running off to the big city."  When is this set?  Is it contemporary? Where is this set?
*  For Del's intro, have the bell DING O.S., then we see him.  And describe him.  Actually, you describe very few of your characters except for their ages.  For a character-driven piece like this you should give us more.
*  Dialogue snafu for Del on page 34.  Should be "Don't know if that..."  And give Gabe a "?" on page 40.
*  On page 41, the sentence doesn't make it clear who Yago is hitting -- we assume it's Gabe, but it could also be Jack the way it's written.
*  After Jack makes his call and the guys show up, it reads as if they shoot Yago with guns.  It only becomes clear later that they didn't.  You should describe those "shots to the stomach" differently.


You've got a real knack for dialogue, Mike -- I'll give you that yet again -- it makes me jealous how easy you make it look.  But I have to say that honestly this story didn't really grab me for a good while.  I kept with it because I knew it was you, and was confident that we would get somewhere eventually -- but had this been an unknown author I probably would have shut it down about 20 pages in.

It was great to "see" Jack again, and when Hill returns, that is a pretty good payoff.  But I am feeling that it takes too long to get there.

This is 60 pages long -- and granted there is a lot of dialogue, and I suspect this would not play out at 60 minutes -- but I'm still feeling this piece could use a trim.

Maybe the feuding couple up front could be lost without losing too much of the story?

This piece is in pretty good shape, though, and works well for what it was intended to be.  Placing my criticisms aside, I still liked the story, and I liked the characters even more than story that surrounded them.

I would say wait for a few more comments before doing anything drastic to this one, though.  Another reader might not agree with me.  Wait and see, you know?
Posted by: Shelton, June 13th, 2006, 4:11pm; Reply: 3
Hey Bert,

Thanks for the read.  Based on what you've said, I think I kinda pulled off what I wanted, which was to make this more about the characters.  I do agree that they could probably use some more description, I just tend to avoid it unless absolutely necessary to ease potential casting.



Quoted from bert

*  Barb says, "...running off to the big city."  When is this set?  Is it contemporary? Where is this set?


This is set in the present, in a small town in the Midwest.  Not the most up to date line I know, but I was trying to imply that small town feel where nothing really goes on.


Quoted from bert

*  Dialogue snafu for Del on page 34.  Should be "Don't know if that..."  And give Gabe a "?" on page 40.


Thanks for the catches.


Quoted from bert

*  On page 41, the sentence doesn't make it clear who Yago is hitting -- we assume it's Gabe, but it could also be Jack the way it's written.


When I was reading back through this yesterday, I noticed that myself.  Thanks for confirming that it's misleading.


Quoted from bert

*  After Jack makes his call and the guys show up, it reads as if they shoot Yago with guns.  It only becomes clear later that they didn't.  You should describe those "shots to the stomach" differently.


That one I didn't catch.  Thanks for that.



Quoted from bert


* But I have to say that honestly this story didn't really grab me for a good while.  I kept with it because I knew it was you, and was confident that we would get somewhere eventually -- but had this been an unknown author I probably would have shut it down about 20 pages in.


This in and of itself was relatively difficult to write.  I kept thinking, How can I make this as close to everyday life as possible, while still making it interesting and keeping it on location.  I guess the challenge of it all was what really motivated me to write it.  I can definitely see it as being a little slow starting, and I appreciate you sticking with it.


Quoted from bert
It was great to "see" Jack again, and when Hill returns, that is a pretty good payoff.  But I am feeling that it takes too long to get there.


To be totally honest, I think he really gives the script a shot to the jugular when he shows up.  Sure, the reluctant stripper and germophobe are nice touches, but the pace really moves when he gets there, which is somewhat late, I'll agree.


Quoted from bert
This is 60 pages long -- and granted there is a lot of dialogue, and I suspect this would not play out at 60 minutes -- but I'm still feeling this piece could use a trim.

Maybe the feuding couple up front could be lost without losing too much of the story?


They could go.  Their only real purpose is to help establish Barb as an experienced "watcher".


Quoted from bert
This piece is in pretty good shape, though, and works well for what it was intended to be.  Placing my criticisms aside, I still liked the story, and I liked the characters even more than story that surrounded them.

I would say wait for a few more comments before doing anything drastic to this one, though.  Another reader might not agree with me.  Wait and see, you know?


I'm glad you enjoyed the characters.  This at least lets me know that I'm moving in the right direction.  This will probably sit for a bit to gain some more comments, before I really do anything with it.  Actually, I have no choice on that, as I'm deep into this other thing I'm working on right now, and it's taking up just about all of my writing time.

Rapture/Chris,

Thanks for looking.  I hope you enjoy the finished product.

Posted by: Combichrist, June 13th, 2006, 5:45pm; Reply: 4
I liked the Characters in this script, and the plucky dialouge. Found myself reading on and on, the descriptive passage just draws you into the action.

Although I was at an end as to the location of the setting. I was aware that Gabe was in Newyork, and that he thought it was not like home But I did not understand where home for him was.

All in all I think this is a great script, and found myself lost as I read on and on. Good work Mike.
Posted by: Shelton, June 13th, 2006, 7:37pm; Reply: 5
BP,

Thanks for your comments.  

Gabe's hometown is somewhat generic.  The only thing is really said about it is that it's in the Midwest, and it's not exactly bursting with activity.  I kind of have an underlying, uh, "submission" reason for this.  :)

Thanks again.
Posted by: Martin, June 15th, 2006, 6:37pm; Reply: 6
Hey Mike,

I read this earlier but I didn't have a chance to write notes at the time, so forgive me if this review's a little vague.

I found very few problems from a technical standpoint (Bert fished out the typos I spotted)

I see you attempted something different here, and I think it worked for the most part. It's very character and dialogue driven. It read like a lighthearted sitcom/TV drama, and I mean that in a good way. In fact, with a few trims here and there, this could easily be a sitcom pilot.

You have some interesting characters, I especially liked the Bum and the germ freak. Bert's right about the introductions though. I still haven't read Jack beyond the 30 pages you sent me when it was in progress, so Jack's introduction felt kind of weak. There's a great opportunity to say something about his character in a brief intro paragraph, you can even get away with a little 'tell' here. Same goes for the other characters.

Your dialogue is excellent as usual. I'm jealous of how easily you make it flow from page to page. That's a real talent. I think it could use a trim in places, there is some repeated info in there, I'm sure you'll find that stuff in the rewrite.

I'm not sure what your plans are for this, Mike, but I'll throw out a suggestion for you: Rewrite it in a TV format, work out your act breaks in a four act structure and use that as a guide. I think it'd help you keep it interesting because the story does kind of wander at times. The structure was difficult to spot and this kind of structure might be useful to keep it on track.

Anyway, I probably had some other stuff to say, but I've forgotten it.

This was a good read. Enjoyable characters, great dialogue, a tad short on story which is probably what gave it the sitcom feel.

It was a fun read.

BTW, in Scarface, Tony Montana's Cuban. I'm sure you know this, but I remember that part sticking out when I read it. Sure, Pacino's Italian, but, well, I dunno. It's late :)
Posted by: Shelton, June 15th, 2006, 7:44pm; Reply: 7
Martin,

Thanks for the read, you brought up a few points that I really hadn't thought about.  Mainly, writing this in TV structure.  I don't think I've EVER actually thought about writing anythign for TV, but it's a good point.

The second thing is in the "telling".  I usually try to avoid this like the plague, but for intro purposes I think it could work.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with this one, but somebody did take a look at it, liked it, and has passed it on to their partner to check out as well.

Yeah, Scarface is Cuban :)

I was just thinking, smarmy, gangster looking Italian guy, and plugged in the most popular name I could think of.  Actually, this is the second script I've mentioned Scarface in, and there's a third one on the way, but it WILL fit there, I promise.

Thanks again.
Posted by: James McClung, June 27th, 2006, 10:20pm; Reply: 8
Thought I'd check this out. After reading a 114 action script, a 63 page drama seemed the way to go.

- I think Gabe would want to be a little more detailed in his notes. I mean, he�s writing a book here. He�s got to have the goods. Yet all he writes is 8:18 � �The Breakup.� He and Barb have already established that hushed voices and rolling eyes are telltale signs of a breakup. Wouldn�t Gabe want to include stuff like this in his notes?

- I�m starting to notice that every time a new character is introduced, they ask if Gabe is still working on his book and his response is always the same. Getting a little repetitive, don�t you think? I mean, we learn something about that character and occasionally a little something more about Gabe as well but I think these exchanges need something more. Something to make each of them different.

- Gabe�s a writer. Perhaps I�m wrong but shouldn�t writers be open to ideas? Gabe doesn�t seem to be as he is quick to dismiss or criticize Cam�s ideas. He should be questioning them, sure, but out of curiosity. His end point is valid but I still think he could come to that conclusion a different way. Just a thought.

- If Gabe is under the presumption that these guys are gangsters, why would he even think about mentioning the word �snitch�, let alone asking them if they were gangsters? Not a smart move in the slightest. The fact that they turned out to be car salesmen was funny but, again, I think you could reach this conclusion a different way.

- How does Barb have a fifty if the tip was forty five?

- Lily�s outburst comes too soon. Perhaps Del could try to get it out of her and take it a little too far. He wouldn�t have to look like a jerk. If Lily�s that insecure about being a stripper, it wouldn�t take long before she cracked but I think after being asked once is too soon.

- Lose Jack�s response to Yago�s line after getting thrown out of the diner. The Oz homage is obvious, I think, therefore Jack�s line is too much. It�s like telling a joke then having someone else say why it�s funny. So yeah. Lose it.

This was a very enjoyable read. I liked the characters and I think they were interesting enough to carry the script on dialogue alone. At feature length, I'm not so sure. Maybe. I also enjoyed the humor. A lot of great quirky situations and dry one-liners. I don't know why this is in the drama section to tell you the truth. I mean, this does kind of straddle between comedy and drama quite well but I expect most of my dramas to be comedy free. Anyway, it doesn't really matter. I enjoyed Franklin's character and the mafia/car salesmen subplot was hilarious. It was cool to get a little taste of Jack as well, even though I haven't read that script.

There doesn't seem to be a plot in sight nor is there a lot of action but you say this was meant to feel like everyday life and, to an extent, you succeeded, and I don't mind dialogue. I, myself, enjoy writing it as much as I do action and such. The whole thing kind of reminded me of Clerks in that it seemed to be a collection of quirky randomness that was amusing nevertheless. All in all, a very entertaining read. I was basically able to read this in a single sitting, which I don't do a lot. Good job, Mike.
Posted by: Shelton, June 27th, 2006, 10:39pm; Reply: 9
James,

Thanks for checking it out.

I think I had Gabe take notes the way he did, in order to keep the flow going, and to serve as basic reminders of things he sees.  The breakup?  Oh yeah, that couple that spoke in hushed tones, etc. etc.  Something like that.

Yeah, I may have gone a little overboard with asking about the book.  Just trying to establish that these people knew each other for the most part.

Gabe dismissing Cam threw you off?  Hmm.  In a roundabout way, Cam's advice was for gabe to basically write, a book.  No plot suggestions or anything, just the general format of a book.

I was a little hesitant about the snitch thing myself, but I took the chance to have a better payoff later on.

Barb gets a fifty for a five dollar tab, equaling a forty five dollar tip.

Your comment on Lily's revelation makes sense.  I just didn't want any overkill since I knew I was going to use it more later on.

I'm glad you found it to be an enjoyable read.  It was fun to use Jack again, although he's probably just a little different in this one than in his own script.  In this one he's more of a real guy, I think.

Yeah, not much plot here.  I just wanted to see how interesting I could make a real, down to earth, everyday situation.  There are a few odd quirks here and there, but it's totally possible for someone to spend some time in a coffee shop and see a great deal of this stuff.  Franklin could be a stretch, but it's still possible in everyday life.

I was a little hesitant to post this in Drama, but after looking through it a few times, I figured it was closer to that than Comedy.

Thanks again for the read and the feedback.
Posted by: Jonathan Terry, June 28th, 2006, 12:20pm; Reply: 10
Another nice one here Mike.  I really found this as an interesting read and as a character study as well.  You do a very good job of creating an entire cast of different characters with different personalities.  And your dialouge was superb.

I'm not going much into the problems I had because they weren't many and, well, everyone's already nailed them.  The one major problem I had was the fact that this story just seemed to end too quickly.  The climax was obviously Yago's "attack" at the end but he wasn't as interesting as the other characters so it just came out kind of lackluster.  I also would have loved to see the story end in the same way it started.  Gabe leaving the coffee shop and the script ends at him crossing the street like it started.  This is mostly just personal preference.  I have just always liked the idea of stories coming full circle.

In a way, this reminded me a lot of Clerks without all the obscene profanity.  That may have be a stretch but oh well...

Anyhoo, I'm just rambling at this point.  Great job once again Mike.
Posted by: Shelton, June 30th, 2006, 12:25am; Reply: 11
T.I.N,

Thanks for the read, and for your compliments.  

Hmm, the ending was abrupt?  May need to go back into that.  When I was writing it, I kind of got to a point where I felt it should just end, despite it's length since things may have gotten a little old.  I would have liked to have had Jack in there a bit more though, so maybe I'll try to work that in.


Not a bad idea with having the story go full circle, since I enjoy that kind of ending myself.  The way the current ending is, I'd have to do a little bit of tooling, but nothing major.  Probably just a matter of having Gabe leave as well, or him instead of Jack, but something minor nonetheless.

Always nice to get a Clerks comparison, even if it is a stretch.  :)

Thanks again.
Posted by: guyjackson (Guest), July 7th, 2006, 12:17am; Reply: 12
One review for the man that would leave his wife for Rachel Leigh Cook coming up...

I have to hand it to you, Mike.  This script has got to be one of the most visually adapted screenplays I have ever read.  Every single line of it I imagined and had a real good image of.  Very cool.

This didn't even read like a screenplay.  It read like I was actually there in the diner with them.  I can't really explain it.  You did a wonderful job of describing the events and characters.

The dialogue was spot on.  Some of the best dialogue I have read.  It wasn't rigid at all and was very realistic.  Each character seemed to have his/her own style too which is always a plus.  

And on to the big man.  Jack was awesome.  He was that bad ass, swift talker that can light up any room he walks into.  I like how you had Gabe unconscious for his stories and waking up at the end, but still being intrigued with the man.  Very nice touch.

Very nice script, Mike.  I almost didn't want it to end.  For 63 pages it really moved along like a feature that did not drag.  I really can't think of something bad with this.  Other than a few minor typos, it was a grat piece of writing.

  
Posted by: Shelton, July 7th, 2006, 12:37am; Reply: 13
Wow, thanks Guy.  So much so, that I'm not even sure how to respond to your post...lol.

Usually, I have at least one thing that I have to talk about, but you seemed to enjoy everything, so thanks.  I guess if I have something to respond to, it would be your comments on my descriptions.

I used to be absolutely terrible with them (others can confirm this) and have worked really hard to make them better and more concise in recent months, so thanks for pointing that out to me.

I usually peruse the "screenplays wanted" ads looking for an opportunity to pitch this, since I think it would make a nice low budget film, but I run into problems because of its length.  Is it a short, is it a feature?  You know.  I usually go with the latter since it's far too long to be a short.

Overall, I'm just glad you enjoyed it.  It adds more validity to my crackpot notion that I could create an interesting script that really doesn't have a plot.

Thanks again.
Posted by: tonkatough, July 9th, 2006, 6:45am; Reply: 14
Hmm, this is very interesting script. not sure what to say about it. I don't think I would care to see a movie made off this script. not my cup of tea. (coffee)  However it was worth reading this script just to see how natural, skillful dialouge should look in words on paper.

Dialouge is tough to do and it requires a lot of effort to write in a way that does not seem wooden or word perfect.  You certainly have a flare for writing dialouge that is not only natural but also unique to each character. I like that.

Franklin the clean freak  trapped in the rest room was amusing. so to was Del the cook who has nothing to cook because everyone orders coffee. These little details are excellent and makes your script a pleasure to read.

The only thing missing from your story is a . . . well . . . how can I put this? A story. You have writen a story that has no story. I only quickly glanced over the messages above before I wrote this. I think you said it was your intention to write a script that has no plot.  All this script shows is that you have mastered writing great dilaouge. But what about a plot and character?

Is this what you have wanted to write: a day in the life of a coffee shop or was this script just an excercise in writing dialouge? I am just curious.

I loved your writing and dialouge. I am keen to look at your other stuff.  
Posted by: Shelton, July 9th, 2006, 10:45pm; Reply: 15
Tonka,

You pretty much nailed it.  There really is no story here.  The reason for that is that I wanted to see if I could write something that took place entirely in one location with a minimal amount of characters, and would be somewhat realistic and interesting.

I think I succeeded in doing that.  Obviously there's REALLY no plot here, but I'm a little shocked as to why you asked about characters.  You didn't think the characters were developed or interesting enough?

It wasn't an exercise in writing dialogue, but the gist of what I was trying to do was in my synopsis, which is meant to be an ultra low budget "short feature"
Posted by: tonkatough, July 10th, 2006, 12:35am; Reply: 16
My apology mike. I left out a word in my message so I was not questioning your characters. I was meant to write character arc inwhich goes hand in hand with plot.

I dunno, maybe I've read to many how to write a script books but the empthisis always seems to be creating a protaganist, throw lots of ordeals at them and see how much they change from the ordeal.  This seems to be the  basic element of a story. Even something as simple as a fairy tale has this with the hero living "happily ever after" after they've endured misery.

So it is interesting that you have chosen to write a story and left out this one crucial element. For me this script did not work. It didn't fully engage me.

Your characters are great and diverse and this is shown in the diffent flavours of dialouge you have writen.

I'm sorry if I shocked you, this was not my intention.  
Posted by: Shelton, July 10th, 2006, 9:23pm; Reply: 17
Thanks for explaining the missed word, things make more sense now.

I definitely understand where you're coming from, and knew even prior to submitting it that it wouldn't be for everyone, but what script really is?

Even with the lack of "story", if you were able to appreciate the characters and dialogue, that's good enough for me.

When you say it didn't engage you, do you mean that you weren't able to finish it?  Just curious.  I'm assuming since you commented on Franklin, you made it about halfway anyway.  

Either way, I appreciate you taking the time to look at it.
Posted by: tonkatough, July 10th, 2006, 10:13pm; Reply: 18
To answer your question what I meant by "not engage" me is that I did not care for the characters or the situation they where in. I was not emotionally invested with the characters.  But yes I did read through over two thirds of your script and I was impressed by your technical skills at writing a script and dialouge. So if you failed to entertain me with this script that doesn't matter because your script demonstrated that you a skilled script writer and makes me eager to read more of your works, hopefully with a plot. :)    
Posted by: Steve-Dave, July 15th, 2006, 8:20am; Reply: 19
About halfway down on pg 5, you go right from Gabe and Barb's conversation right into Keith and  Val's. I think you should put something to separate them and go over to Keith and Val's booth.

pg 9- Gabe says, "I'm so busy with the book anymore". shouldn't now be in place of anymore?

I think the breakup would be more significant if Gabe overheard at least some of it, rather than just witnessing it. Because everyone who comes into the diner has some contact with Gabe, and everything revolves around Gabe, but in Keith and Val's conversation, it seems more removed from everything and doesn't really seem to fit.

I thought the comment about the italian guy being oily or something I thought was awesome.

Tony Montana was Cuban, not Italian.

Franklin getting stuck in the bathroom because he ran out of towelettes was f***ing hilarious. Pure genious.

near the bottom of 34, Del says, "I don't if that's his name".

Jack telling his stories for four hours seems a little far fetched. Maybe like a half hour or 45 minutes would be better, even an hour and a half or something would be better.

pg 57- jack says, "Why he doesn't come inside?"

In conclusion. I thought this was very good. Well written, moved quick, and was a simple situation that was entertaining from beginning to end. It also had some pretty funny lines, particularly from Jack. - "Yep, behind on his payments", "Gabe will just spill the coffee on himself", "come for the coffee, stay for the wrongful imprisonment", "for when you only want a shot of coffee", "endentured servant stripper". All great funny stuff.

My only problems were that Keith and Val's conversation should be tied in more with Gabe, as I described earlier. and I also was unsatisfied with the ending. I think Gabe should have like one more conversation with Barb or Cam or something, and/or address his book one more time, or write something in his notebook and leave, or just something like that, and not just end while they're about to have breakfast.

Anyways all and all, being a big fan of heavy dialogue and conversation based stuff,  I thought it was great. Aside from the above, But those are just my opinions, I could be wrong.

P.S. What other script is Jack in?
Posted by: Shelton, July 15th, 2006, 4:11pm; Reply: 20
Thanks for checking it out, and for catching a few things I hadn't noticed already.

Posted by: marshallamps12 (Guest), July 22nd, 2006, 12:19am; Reply: 21
I just read got done reading this. Here's my thoughts:

Not bad, not bad at all. It's definitely an enjoyable read. I like screenplays that are very dialogue-driven. To tell you the truth, I feel this could be fleshed out into a 100-120 page screenplay. The dialogue was good for the most part, besides a few spelling errors here and there (but nothing to serious). The characters were interesting. The screenplay was very fun to read. It's very entertaining and some of the lines were great ("and Bum, well, he's a bum" had me cracking up). It's an interesting idea for a screenplay and I definitely think it can be made with a very low budget.

I haven't read any of your other scripts so I don't know if you were referencing any of your other works, I'm just curious about something. There's a scene where Cam talks about having a book feature difference characters in each chapter and they are all connected by something (he says a comb or a watch). Have you ever tried doing something like that in a story? I know it's just a random question but it sounds like an interesting idea. Was there any significance to that part? I was thinking that maybe it was symbolic of Gabe and how he is involved with different stories featuring different people in the same diner. He finds himself meeting Franklin, Jack, Lily, etc. They're all interesting characters and they have their own characteristics, yet their similarity is that they all go to the diner either for comfort, for friends, or just for some coffee (man, a lot of coffee is drunk throught the screenplay :p). Gabe interacts with all of them in some way, kind of like a watch that connects different stories, like Cam was talking about.

Perhaps, I didn't read it close enough, but as far as I could tell, there didn't seem to be enough character development. Let's take Gabe for example. We know he's a writer, he's from the midwest, he went to the city for new ideas, he has an ex-girlfriend. His external conflict is that he is struggling to get ideas to write The Great American Novel. Is this really resolved by the end of the script? Also, what is his internal conflict? I'm not saying these things aren't there, as it's very possible that I didn't read close enough, I just found the characters to be a little lacking. I'm not saying all the characters need to be 3 dimensional, but I think it would make the screenplay better if you fleshed out the characters more.

One more thing: I really liked how Gabe wrote down the characteristics of the people he met into his little notebook. It's a clever way to introduce characters and also to add depth to them that we might not have known about them. For example, when he writes down the characteristics about Del, he mentions that he's overworked. Del and Gabe obviously have known each other for awhile, so perhaps Gabe could write even more characteristics about him. It's sort of like a neat little way to add a background and depth to a character quickly and informatively.

These are just my thoughts, though. I'm just throwing suggestions around to see what you think and to see if you plan on extending this into a full-length screenplay. I enjoyed the screenplay very much and I look forward to reading your other works in the future.
Posted by: Shelton, July 22nd, 2006, 11:17am; Reply: 22
Marshall, thanks for checking it out.

I had thought about extending this, but only to around 80-85 pages at this point due to the fact that when I was writing it I just ended up hitting where I thought it should end.  Reading back through I do have some areas I could expand on though.  100-120 pages?  Could be a challenge, but I might take a crack at it.

I've always wanted to write a script that contains four to five stories, but all of the stories are attached to a single element.  I'm yet to do it, but hopefully I will some day.

His external conflict is somewhat resolved at the end when he meets Jack with his vast assortment of stories.  His internal conflict is something that Cam comments on briefly, in that the only writing he does is characters in the notebook.  He's too choosy/picky to sit down and write the actual book.  The characters can use some beefing up, I'll agree.

Thanks for the comments.

Posted by: marshallamps12 (Guest), July 22nd, 2006, 11:34am; Reply: 23
Oh, I see what you're talking about with the external/internal conflicts. I enjoyed reading the script and if you ever think about extending it, I'll definitely read that version too. I really think this could work as a full-length screenplay. The characters and dialogue are strong enough. If Clerks can get by with essentially 2 main characters, a couple minor characters, and a bunch of characters that only appear once or twice, then I think this could work. I found myself interested in the characters and wanted to know more about them. They all had interesting traits about them that kind of "hooked" me in. That's a key to a good script. I'll probably check out another of your scripts soon. Any suggestions?
Posted by: Shelton, July 22nd, 2006, 1:31pm; Reply: 24
If you're looking for a feature, I'd recommend checking out a comedy, the action stuff is a little subpar in comparison.

For a short, whatever you like.  I'm all over the place in terms of genre with those.

Check out the link in my sig and see if anything strikes your interest.

Thanks again.
Posted by: greg, February 16th, 2007, 6:48pm; Reply: 25
Hello, Michael,

I remember we spoke about this script last summer when you were in the middle of writing it.  It's really quite impressive that you've been able to pull off a single-location script here and keep it interesting, though with 62 pages of stuff that's mostly dialogue, I doubt this thing would be able to clock in at even an hour.  Of course that's at first glance.  With some careful direction you could probably pull it off since you got some mellow-dramatic moments in here.

You know, I breezed through the first 20 pages, but I felt it lacked some substance.  I feel Gabe and I feel Barb, but then Cam makes his entry and I just didn't feel him until his second appearance, and then after that you clearly make him the slightly immature, bang bang friend guy thing.  

I laughed out loud when Bum made his appearance, simply because of the name you gave him and his early antics.  One thing I think that you should expand on here is creating some development for him at the end.  Maybe make him a sadder individual, then have him tell a short story, then at the end he reveals his real name or something, because as was said in the story, no one knows his real name.

Franklin was hilarious, very nice add of consistent comic relief.  The subplot with Lily and Yago I think was the real drama of this story.  As a young woman essentially being forced to start stripping, the reader feels that emotion for her.  Both of Yago's ass-kicking exits were very well played out.  Speaking of which, the car salesman-mafia bit was excellent.  The initial scene where the three guys burst out laughing, and then Jack's final "Yep, behind on his payments" bit had me cracking up.

It was good to see Jack again...I guess he's the guy that may be coming in and out of your stories from now on.  However, he essentially took over the story a little too much I felt.  After Gabe is knocked out, Jack's pretty much the main guy for 15 pages, and that's a long time in a short feature such as this.  I think maybe waking Gabe up earlier so he can resume his role as the main character would help.  I mean Jack is a fun guy, but Gabe is the main character.  I know that he's trying to gain inspiration from these folks, so having him knocked out for a 4th of the story seems a little offkey.  

The dialogue was great.  The re-occuring quirks such as Franklin's germaphobia and Del's grub at no one buying food were excellent.  Everyone was easily distinguishable and the piece moved very quickly.  I'm happy to say that I enjoyed this piece very much.  A single location feature is definitely no easy task, but you pulled it off here with extroadinary success.  Good job!
Posted by: Shelton, February 17th, 2007, 6:23pm; Reply: 26
Greg,

Thanks a lot for bringing this one back up from the depths and taking a look at it.  I'm quite proud of it as it stands, but I do have plans to go back and work on it in the hopes of being able to start putting it out there.

The opening is a little iffy.  Most of it is in developing the real core characters a bit, and Keith and Valerie don't serve much of a purpose other than to establish how Gabe does things and that Barb is a veteran people watcher herself.

I really tried to give each character their own little niche (The cook who can't cook, the germophobe, the indentured servant stripper, etc..), and Cam's just takes a bit longer to come through.  Franklin is based on an idea that I had for a short script that I thought would work better as a small subplot in the feature.

Jack will definitely be popping up periodically as I find ways to work him into scripts without forcing it.  I actually have ideas for a sequel, but I'm keeping away from doing that since I haven't been able to officially sell the original yet.

Thanks for the read and the comments.  I hope to have an extended, more well rounded out version up here at some point.
Posted by: Shelton, May 3rd, 2007, 9:54pm; Reply: 27
Hey all,

New version of the script here.  

I've added about 40 pages and have completely taken it over to the comedy side. I even took it outside of the coffee shop for a few scenes.  I really liked the first version, but I think the extension has made it even better, not to mention making it more commercial.

Looking forward to any feedback.
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), May 7th, 2007, 3:38am; Reply: 28
Hey Mike,

The characters were mostly well drawn and the dialogue was good but this was very light on story. There wasn't much to hold interest until  the Yago plot developed.  Sometimes this really reminded me of a stageplay, even the dialogue (Sort of like Bus Stop without the heavy bits).  You could certainly film it but it didn’t seem filmic.

I know you were trying to write something that was low budget and kept to one location but my suggestion is to forget that.  Write your film without the concern of budget.  Then edit that script to make it fit your budgetary constraints.  You will turn out a better product.

Some specific things I noted about the script were:

If you were going to use one location, then use one location.  You can most certainly get away with that. One of my favourite movies is ‘My Dinner with Andre’ and that takes place solely at a restaurant table.  

To achieve this I think your main character has to be more interesting.  Gabe wasn't. I thought Jack stole the show, and that was not good.  You'll probably say "No way" but I would suggest removing Jack from this script. You know him too well and he comes across stronger than the main character. Even the main character is in awe of him.

I liked the ongoing dreams and the repeated killing of Jill. I would have liked to have known Jill better. Her death was meaningless without me knowing how I should have felt about it.  Also it seemed like you repeated the same death for her twice then changed it.  I could be wrong but I think it was run over, run over, shot, shot. Did you do this intentionally?

Also, I think you missed an opportunity for a dream when Gabe passed out.

Overall, not bad - but I know you can do better.  Let me know when you have the next draft up.

Michael      


Posted by: Shelton, May 7th, 2007, 4:41am; Reply: 29
Michael,

Thanks for getting to this one so quickly and for the feedback.  I can see what you're saying in regards to this readng like a stageplay, and I think the reason for that is two-fold.  1) This is the first script that I went back to work on after completing play, and 2)  I've always been a dialogue heavy writer, which is definitely more suited to the stage.

The screenplay itself picks up a little more with the introduction of Yago because its storyline runs almost parallel to Gabe's fantasy storyline.  As he meets new and exciting people that give him inspiration and allow him to expand on his story, it expands the exterior story as well.  The same can be said for Jack.  He's a much more gripping character because he needs to be.  Gabe is the main guy here, but Jack has to have that little something more about him that enables him to unseat Gabe as hero of his story.  That's probably a snooty, intellectual type response, but it's the best I got...hahaha.

What was it about Yago that peaked your interest?  Was it the switchblade comb?

In the earlier draft, Jack didn't come in until way late.  Some people thought the story didn't pick up until then and to try and get him in earlier, so I went with it.

The original draft did take place entirely in the coffee shop and clocked in at about 65 pages.  A producer had foudn it on here, but felt it was far too short in it's current state, so we exchanged some ideas back and forth and came up with the additional material consisting of the daydreams and most everything outside of the coffee shop, with the exception of Franklin whose part I just expanded a little since he seemed to be a reader favorite.

Jill broke up with Gabe, which has essentially caused him to develop the weird block.  I figured that outside of that, anything I could show wouldn't have too much impact so I decided to reveal it in the dialogue.  I had to go back through to remember all of Jill's deaths, but they break down like this....

1 - Hit by a car
2 - Hit by a motorcycle
3 - Shot by Barb with a .38
4 - Poisoned by gas
5 - Gunned down by Jack
6 - Cuff link dart to the neck
7 - Stiletto heel to the eye
8 - No apparent cause of death, just the switcheroo after Jack knocks out Yago

Gabe being passed out was a nice shot for a dream, but at that time the only thing I could have squeezed in would have been another story with the entire cast, and I didn't want to overload it that way since the next and very last one is his resolution.

As far as the next draft goes, it'll probably be awhile before I get around to it.  I normally work in a cycle, rewriting one script and then moving on to the next one, so on and so forth.  I have about four other scripts in the cycle, plus I'm going to be starting an assignment soon and still have to write a play.  I'm far too busy for my own good.

Did you find that each of the characters had their own voice?  I figured it'd be a good question to ask you since you just finished a big ensemble piece.

Anyway, thanks a lot for the read and the feedback.
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), May 7th, 2007, 6:07am; Reply: 30

Quoted from Shelton
The same can be said for Jack.  He's a much more gripping character because he needs to be.  Gabe is the main guy here, but Jack has to have that little something more about him that enables him to unseat Gabe as hero of his story.

Why does Gabe need Jack to unseat him as hero?  Jack does this but I think it is at the cost of his likeability.  I read The Swinging Sounds, even though I didn't review it, and I know how likeable Jack can be.  I was disappointed with him in this script because he has too much personality and he was crowding the other characters out.

Quoted from Shelton

What was it about Yago that peaked your interest?  Was it the switchblade comb?

I think it was the action he brought with him.  Yes, I admit it - I am a bit of an action junkie.

Quoted from Shelton

Jill broke up with Gabe, which has essentially caused him to develop the weird block.  I figured that outside of that, anything I could show wouldn't have too much impact so I decided to reveal it in the dialogue.

After reading the script I still don't know how Gabe felt about her.  If it was in the dialogue then I missed it.

Quoted from Shelton

Did you find that each of the characters had their own voice?

Yes. You definitely have a knack for giving characters their own voice.
Posted by: Shelton, May 7th, 2007, 2:01pm; Reply: 31

Quoted from mcornetto

Why does Gabe need Jack to unseat him as hero?  Jack does this but I think it is at the cost of his likeability.  I read The Swinging Sounds, even though I didn't review it, and I know how likeable Jack can be.  I was disappointed with him in this script because he has too much personality and he was crowding the other characters out.


Jack needs to unseat Gabe because in his earlier fantasies that portray himself as the hero, they're quite cheesy.  When he meets Jack, he realizes that he would make a better hero and decides to use him instead.  The sam applies to Yago unseating Cam as the villian.  The difference between Jack here and Jack elsewhere is that I wanted to portray him as more of an actual person instead of someone's alter ego.


Quoted from mcornetto
I think it was the action he brought with him.  Yes, I admit it - I am a bit of an action junkie.


Well if my action peaked your interest that's a good sign.  My earlier full on action stuff didn't go over so well.


Quoted from mcornetto
After reading the script I still don't know how Gabe felt about her.  If it was in the dialogue then I missed it.


He never really goes too deep into it.  It's just revealed that she left him and that's what caused the block.  I was hoping that would imply some feelings for her, but I may have to look back into it.


Quoted from mcornetto
Yes. You definitely have a knack for giving characters their own voice.


Thanks.  With this many characters, and their alternate personalities to boot, I wanted to make sure they seemed believable.

Thanks for the extra feedback.
Posted by: shelbyoops (Guest), June 3rd, 2007, 10:11pm; Reply: 32
Mike,

Considering how much I loved The Hero of Her Heart, I will definately will give this a read.

I must say, the plot sounds more like a comedy than a drama. Maybe it's a drama in the same way Clerks II was.. Will post a review soon.

-Shelby
Posted by: Shelton, June 3rd, 2007, 11:06pm; Reply: 33
Hey Shelby....thanks.

It is actually a comedy (very different from The Hero of Her Heart though), but when I had the original version up it seemed more like a drama.  It's been extended quite a bit in this new draft, but I just kept it in the same thread.
Posted by: shelbyoops (Guest), June 4th, 2007, 11:01pm; Reply: 34
Well Mike,

I read the script. It was really good, but I just didn't care for it like I did "Hero".

The characters were well developed, and thats good, considering there isn't a real plot.. but that's okay.

The dialogue was over all pretty good but there was a couple of lines from Gabe's friend *His name escapes me, my brain isn't working today* that sounded a little off.

I have no major complaints/suggestions about this. I just loved it. It is well written and fun.

-Shelby
Posted by: JD_OK, June 26th, 2007, 11:19pm; Reply: 35
pg 8. I think keith and val convo session runs to long.

You prolly already know this but I would reframe from using the words: still, again,begins, starts, finally and suddenly. actionoccurs in the order you place it. Write action so it comes across sudden cuz usen he word actually have the opposite affect.

pg 16 I could just be nit picking but woulda del would use to cuttin onions once you do it enuff? Seems like he has been a cook for awhile.
I would include END DREAM(as transition) to signify when it over, just for clarity.
pg 23, should make all of ur Okays, the same. Here u use "ok"

pg 30. You dont have a clear end of act one here yet, which mean ur structure is off. This must be fixed ;0)!

so far you got it decent attention grabbing, I would like more tho. Dialog is good, characters are good/distinguishable, so far they seem to stay in character.

I do give ur props for comin up with crazy dream scenarios, thus killing jill in new way!

pg pg 32 " I hate you" This first time you made me laugh, good one.
pg 39need cont'd on fran's dialog since it page breaks
pg 42. LOL "burn the shirt"
I think u know better just maybe old draft? Need scene description b4 dialog on new scene
pg 43, I really hope franklin germ guy adds to the story cuz of right now I dont see how he is pushing the plot forward just yet. Feels like a filler.

After page 50 for me story just felt like long tv show or many shorts of a guy in a coffee shop with new character just jumping into the mix. I never really found an end of act one

I felt while alot of the dialog was good and witty, it wasnt pushing the plot forward for me at all. But I can see this easily been filmed. It simple story, with great unique characters  and driven by them.

Over all was just okay for me when some good one liners. And yes Jack is cool character, I see why u took his name for ur play ( i havent read it so I dont know if ur play is this character or not).

I would only work on the structure and better conflicts for Gabe, I really dont feel for him as the protagonist more of all the characters seem one big prog then one main. Gabe seems to be a foley to others, I like the dreams but are they necessary?

dont get my wrong I found them great, but it loses effect when know Jill will appear and die,what more are they dreams providing to Gabe?

I did like how u foreshadowed cam thing about all having somethin in common, for his writing... good job, finsally made sense of how each of character was add to the overallplot.

I

Feel free to ask any questions!
Posted by: Shelton, June 27th, 2007, 9:18am; Reply: 36
JD, thanks for the read and your comments.  I can see where the confusion is.

If looked at like a traditional screenplay, this is really strange since there is NO structure at all, and I never intended for there to be.  This is simply a story about a guy who has a weird writer's block (his visions of Jill's demise), he seeks to overcome them, and does through the people he meets.

The entire script is the structure....Guy has conflict, Guy overcomes conflict.

There's a secondary conflict with Yago in there as well, just for a little more oomph.

You're definitely in the majority of peopel who think this is well written, but has no plot though.  It does, it's just not as defined as the norm.

The lack of description you commented on, is that when it cuts from the bathrrom back to the coffee shop?  If so, I did that on purpose, sort of like a cut gag where you see someone insisting that they're not going to do something, and in the next scene they're doing it.

I had already established Gabe's location in the coffee shop, and he was already in the middle of the conversation, so the instant cut would be acceptable and serve as an underhanded camera direction, focusing mainly on the characters.

Gabe isn't as prominent of a protag because he shouldn't be.  Yeah, he's the one with the problem, but it's the other characters that help him overcome it whether they realize it or not.  It's more of an ensemble piece.

Jack is pretty much the same as in the previous works he's apeared in, except here, I tried to portray him more as a real guy.

I'm glad you were able to spot how it all tied together in the end.

Thanks again.

Posted by: JD_OK, June 27th, 2007, 12:18pm; Reply: 37

Quoted from Shelton


The lack of description you commented on, is that when it cuts from the bathrrom back to the coffee shop?  If so, I did that on purpose, sort of like a cut gag where you see someone insisting that they're not going to do something, and in the next scene they're doing it.


I think to get what you want across you should do an INTERCUT in the heading after gabe leaves the bathroom. So as they talk as franklin reacts to his situation in the bathroom.

Welcome!
Posted by: Chris_MacGuffin, July 14th, 2007, 11:24pm; Reply: 38
This would make a great play actually. I liked it alot and felt in all earnest it has something in it that would translate well onto stage.

Actually, if it wouldn't be too much of a burden, could I see if I could pull together a stage production or at least present it to the local theatre community?
Posted by: Shelton, July 15th, 2007, 12:09pm; Reply: 39

Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin
This would make a great play actually. I liked it alot and felt in all earnest it has something in it that would translate well onto stage.

Actually, if it wouldn't be too much of a burden, could I see if I could pull together a stage production or at least present it to the local theatre community?


If you can put it together or find someone else interested in doing it, feel free.
Posted by: Mr.Ripley, February 26th, 2009, 6:51pm; Reply: 40
Got to read this. This reminds me of Kevin Smith's film the Clerks.

What I liked:

The dream sequences were good since it gave some sort of action to the script. It helped balance off the dull coffee shop scenes with something not dull. I also enjoyed how it helped show Gabe's progression in forgetting about Jill. Those dreams were funny especially when they always killed Jill. lol.

The characters' pov and dialogue is really good.

What I disliked:

The ending seemed abrupt since I have no idea what he's going to write about. I have some idea (prob the experience that he just went through) but I would like something concrete.  Maybe have a scene of the published book that Gabe finally writes.

Hope this helps, Sorry it that much. :(
Gabe
Posted by: Tommyp, February 26th, 2009, 7:14pm; Reply: 41
Mr Ripley, in case you didn't know, this is the Script Club script.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1235398764/s-0/

And I don't really see how it's like Clerks at all. Well they are both low budget, but that's about it!
Posted by: Mr.Ripley, February 26th, 2009, 7:32pm; Reply: 42
It's like Clerks since it deals with a lot of talking, is in one location primarily, and low budget. And I am aware of the script club, but not knowing where you guys are in the script club I decided to post my review on the thread.
Posted by: Shelton, February 27th, 2009, 11:25am; Reply: 43
Hey Gabe,

Thanks for checking it out, and for adding something here where I can actually respond. :)

I remember someone else mentiong Clerks in a review awhile back, and I thought it was a little odd at first, but I guess when you look at it in terms of excessive dialogue and minimal story, it makes some sense.

The ending is definitely a little abrupt, but I figured once Gabe realizes that he's been going about his novel all wrong, there wasn't a whole lot more to add to it.  He hasn't figured out what it is he's going to write, but it's going to be something "real".  I can see where the assumption that he's going to write about everything that's happened can come into play, but that's not necessarily the case.

Thanks again for reading.
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