Marty Finkle by Jon Bothun - Short - Marty Finckle is a pushover. When he finds out his girlfriend is having an affair, he snaps. 18 pages - doc, format 8)

Well, this has been on for a good few days now... dunno where the author is so I'll keep this short.

Very good story here, great description and great pace to it. The characters are well thought up, even if those type of characters have been made before, I could really imagine all of them. Marty was great. At one point it reminded me of Office Space a little, just because of Bill being the bossy type and Marty being the pushover employee. His little twist is great and the ending is very good.

There are a few typos but I wont mention them now...

The only problem I had with this was the title. It sounds more of a comedy or a childrens fantasy :) I think it would sound much cooler and appropriate to just call it "MARTY" or something like that. I think that would work better.

Anyhoo, great script Jon :) wherever you are... ;D

GBM

I thought this was pretty good. It went at a nice pace and didn't have any flat scenes. There were a few typos as Gravy mentioned but the format was fine, although there were a few descriptions that were too long and should be chopped up a little.

SPOILERS

The dialogue was very natural and the way Marty acted when he started cracking up and in fact went over the edge was believable.

However, I think you should foreshadow Marty cracking up by having him kick the cat or smash something, after his argument with Jenny.

The drunken teenagers driving by was a little bit convenient but I was prepared to go with.

All in all a pretty good effort but I hope you have a crack at a rewrite.

Oh yeah, if you change the title don't call it Marty, that title has already been used.

Hey Jon,
Just finished reading your script, and have some comments...

In your first block of description you say Jenny is standing in her bra in front of a vanity preparing for work.
That sentence made me say "Huh?"
At first I got the impression she was standing with her foot on her bra. You might want to rewrite that.
In fact you have a lot of is standing, is walking, get rid of the "is" and "ing", write in the present.
You also have a lot of "begins" that should be dropped.
Jenny walks back to the vanity and begins to work on her hair.
Jenny is irritated and begins to throw her brush and make-up into her bag.
You also wrote: Dale looks like he's trying to hide the fact that he wants to piss his pants...
What does that look like? Write what is supposed to be seen.
Check for type o's.
Page 14 you are telling when you should be showing. You say Marty recalls happier times. He remembers himself and Jenny on the swing. Here use
EXT. PARK - FLASHBACK - DAY
Then show what you want us to see. Marty pushes Jenny on the swing... write what you want us to see.
Marty is ready to panic... ??? How do you get ready to panic?

The story wasn't bad though, just needs to be rewritten. I hope I've helped in some way.

Cindy