The Music by Daniel Robinson - Short, Drama - When Dan wants to battle Eminem he get's a taste of how hard it is. But when he finds out it was just a dream his friend reggie has one hell of a surprise for him. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay, yet another short but this one seems odd. Dan, is this one about you? Is this, maybe, one of your fantasies??? :)

SPOILERS!!!

Still, it's just a rap battle. In the end, like a few of your scripts, it's just a dream in the end. A funny ending sort of. To me it seems this one's something you actually had a dream about and just wrote it down. That's where I get most of my ideas from anyway so... it's all good.

Anyhoo, hope you had fun writing this and tell me if this is actually about you or a dream you had of you... or is it just something you wanted to write about?

GBM

Daniel, before I review your script. I think you need to realize what's going on with most of your scripts. You are putting on too many things at one time, bro. At least two a week. You need to slow the flow.

Anyways, despite what I said above. I still really enjoyed your script, but do you always have endings that seem like dreams? Just curious.

Grammar and spelling was excellent, no errors whatsoever. The story was, well, expected that he'd go somewhere to rap, but I never thought Eminem would show up. I thought he was just interested in his stuff.

The characters were cool, I could picture them all. Just like I could see a movie playing in my mind as I read every line of your script.

Great job, Daniel.

I really did like this one. Better than Area 51, or the Clown. I look forward to the next time scripts are... Oh, you have another one out! I'll go review it for you. :)

-James

Wow, Daniel! 4 in a one go!  

Gosh, I will have to do more than making love and drinking morritos in this weekend!

LOL James.

Thanks for the good reviews.  I'll keep my submissions down to a couple a week or so.

Dan

Can't say I'm huge on the story here, but that's just me not caring for the subject matter.  I suppose if you're into that sort of thing it's ok.

I must say that at least this doesn't have as many spelling and grammar errors as other stuff (James says there were none, but he apparently missed them) so nice job there.

Page 1

pieceings - piercings

Dan - I'm just working on my lines....Needs a ?

masteeck?  This is freestyle rap so I really don't know, but I'm assuming that should be "mystique", which is spelled correctly and also rhymes with speak.  Also, right after that It's is capitalized.  It shouldn't be.

Page 2

Dan - You think the'll let me?  They'll

Dan - I don't know if their (should be thery're) gonna let me do this after all my name is just Dan.

I can see you're trying to foreshadow what's coming, but that is a horribly on the nose piece of dialogue.  Also, it's technically two sentences.  Put a (.) after this and start the second sentence with After.

He breathes into his hands.  Is it cold in there?  Is he checking for yuckmouth?

Page 3

Reggie ... if you mess up ypour...

Dan's supposed to go in in about 15 minutes, but the DJ steps up and asks "Can I have your attention for a minute?" which needs a ? by the way, about 10 seconds later.

New Yorks own.  York's....possessive.

Your up.  "You're"

Page 4

Lose your self.  yourself - one word, and capitalize Eminem.

The continue to cheer.  They.

i'm holding the torch.  I'm

Also, why is Eminem just coming in and saying do you want to battle out of the blue?  I think Dan should be the one issuing the challenge, since that is HIS goal, and I doubt Eminem is going to even acknowledge someone on a stage basically doing a karaoke act of his music.

ich - itch.

definitly - definitely

Page 5

, But look at you.  Don't capitalize but.

some one - someone - one word

Page 6

out side - outside - also one word

If you were really ever to meet Dr. Dre, would you say "How do you do?" to him?  I'd imagine he'd commence to pimpslappin' somebody with a greeting like that.

Ok, I'm done, and like I said there's not as many as in your other stuff, but for being only six pages it's still quite a bit, and I know Word or any other spell check program would have caught a lot of these.

Anyway, better.  Keep on pluggin'.

Alright, there were 1 or 2 spelling errors. My bad, I didn't catch them, because I was basically fixated on story.

Thanks for catching my mistake.

Hey Mike,

Alot better.  Thank you for the feedback on this script.

Hey James,

Glad you liked it.

Dan