Untitled by Brian Latimer (sweatshop) - Short, Thriller - Several late night phone calls. A voice that seems familiar and a dream that becomes reality. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello All-

Hope you enjoy reading the script. It is my first attempt at writing so be nice.
I am looking for any input and or suggestions and help with a title. Enjoi!

Brian Latimer

Even if you cant think of a really good one, just give it a title for the time being.  People tend to gravitate away from untitled scripts.

Anyway, I read it for you, and I have a few tips.  Apparently you are not supposed to use the cut-to's in these scripts, for it is against the format and distracts or something, perhaps someone else can tell you more.

SPOILERS

The story was good, I think.  Thats a cool dream to reality thing that worked out well.  My only problem with your story is when he dropped his glass, I thought that was a bit much.

As for a possible title, perhaps: "Wake up Call", or something.  That was the best I could come up with.

good luck.

Confusing story. Not badly written excpet those many CUT TO:
The transition between Andrew's apartment and the room where the woman is, is not very clear.

Am I the only one not getting what's happening at the end?

Michel 8)

Just read your short and it was quite good.

For some reason though I kept getting the image of the FooFighters video 'Everlong' which has a similar dream and phone ringing.

I agree with Michel that the ending isn't too clear but it is an enjoyable read.

I dug what it was trying to do, but how it did it...

The formatting seemed off. When a character speaks, any (TO HIMSELF) style descriptions go beneath the character name, and above dialogue. There were a few occassions where the woman would speak, and then you'd have a space... but no text... and she'd resume speaking.

Just out of curiousity - what did you use to format it?

Like I said, the theory behind it's good. The ending too. But the formatting needs tightening up before people really resonate with it.

I have had alot of people ask me about the formatting. I used Final Draft to do the screenplay. It also the first thing I have ever written so the format will definitely be in question. Glad you liked the story. I have received some good constructive criticism on the short and hopefully the rewrite will be much better. Thanx for reading it.

BL-