Wanna Bet? by Michel J. Duthin - Short, Drama - A Christmas barbecue party     A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - pdf, format 8)

WHOA DUDE or DUDDETTE, this is some fucked up shit :o , but I liked it.

*************SPOILERS***********

the first 3 pages is kinda funny, the idea of having a barbeque during christmas, then the dialog was funny as well.

Then outta nowhere this goes in a completly different direction.  When Blake goes all O.J on Tonya...WOW, you really threw, like a smack in the face.

Good job whoever you may be.

I didn't much care for this one. My first complaint was going to be that no one has a barbeque in December. I was glad to see you adressed this, however. Nevertheless, I think this could have been much better. The whole situation escalates too fast and Blake killing his wife comes seemingly out of nowhere and feels more random than shocking. I think you could have used a lot more tension to make the whole thing more dramatic and some character development before the story begins. I don't know much about either of the characters and I'm confused about the end. I'm not supposed to feel sorry for Blake, am I.

The overall premise is fine. I just think you could beef up some of the elements that are meant to enhance it. As of now, the whole thing feels somewhat hollow. Nevertheless, it's not easy to write a script in one week, let alone a drama (IMO anyway). I say good try.

Now this is my kind of story! :D

This sort of reminds me of the Tales From the Crypt movie (or one of them, unless there's more) where this guy's wife is so annoying and embarassing, he daydreams about killing her, and finally at the end, he actually does.

But no harm done, since this one was almost as different, and I liked it, though, killing his wife in such a manner in such a short time, I do say it is sort of random.

But I still liked it. Demented and sadistic, just like me :-)

Sean

Well, I can't complain about the bar-be-que in December. I know people who actually do this.
This little script packed a big whollop in just those six pages. I would have like to seen her blast him one in the jaw though. There were a few spelling errors, but to do this in one week, I think you did a very good job with it.
As for the writer, well, I'm kinda stumped on that. Three different people come to mind.

Good job,
Cindy

Great! It was realy great: a original idea! A Barbexmas! I loved it.

I think it should be extended to a feature script. How about Blake preparing the barbecue in secret, inviting his boss and collegues and so on... Anyway, nice, very nice job here!

Cool story, must admit it.

SPOILERS!!

The first time Blake grabs Tonya and puts her face on the grill holding her there, you should have seen my expression. It was of pure shock, a little disgusted and I was just so confused. I laughed afterwards of course. It reminded me of JD from Scrubs where he daydreams every now and then about certain situations but this is like Scrubs mixed with... I don't know... Quentin Tarantino and Eli Roth. I suppose you must be insane already if can't differentiate daydreams to real life, I'm sure. Jeeze. Pretty gruesome but pretty darn cool at the same time.

I enjoyed this 6... well, 4 and a half page crazy script of gore! :D

GBM

Haha -- I liked this one.  I liked how Blake came off as a complete idiot -- that was a genuinely funny scenario to me, anyway -- and you really faked me out the first time around.  I completely bought into the “grilling”, so good job there.

For a nice, short read this one worked great for me.  I would have liked the final scene better had we viewed it from a distance, though -- seen the whole house go up, with Santa smashing through a neighbor’s window or something.  Just a thought.

I thought this one was clever.  Good job.  

ho ho ho good times!

funny & smart story!

* SPOILERS *

* This might sound crazy but I think that the last sequence should have been another one of his "daydreams" but that's just me.

* overall a funny and totally evil story that made me laugh.

Good job!

I wouldn't mind a BBQ at Christmas, but I live in Florida so it's not unheard of.

I thought you started this story out very nicely the way you described the Christmas details and so on. Blake singing and things like that. It was putting me in a good mood.

All of a sudden you do a 180 and Blake completely flips out. I must say that I did not see that coming at all.

It's not that I disliked the script, I just can't decide how to feel about it. I don't mind feel good stories and I do (very much) like dark and twisted ones so there's no problem here with either one. Maybe because it was two totally different emotions here I think I was left feeling confused.

Some of the wording makes me think that possibly a non American wrote this, but I could be wrong.
:)

Ah, geez, this one was twisted too. Had yourself a great setup and then ZING! right out of left field. I did enjoy everyone backing out on Blake for his cold barbecue. I can totally see my family doing that to me...wait, that's sad, isn't it?

It was a great setup, some great fake-out, and then a warped ending. Well done.

Oh, this was kinda bizarre...on page 4: "Tonya, what does it means?"

I'm undecided on this one.  I can't figure out if I'm supposed to be laughing at the end or feeling bad.  You start very nicely.  Blake is quite a fellow and his song is Grammy-worthy, but all of a sudden, BAM BAM BAM!  Now, obviously the first was all in his head, and I think that's meant to be funny, but when he actually kills her--then blows up everything--I didn't know if this was a tragedy or a dark comedy or what.

It was a nice twist, don't get me wrong, I just would have liked more feeling so I'm not totally confused at the end.  Maybe make Tonya more of a bitch or something.  Overall, it was a nice read.  Funny, bloody...dark?  Nice work.

And there's nothing wrong with barbeques in December.

Quoted from The boy who could fly WHOA DUDE or DUDDETTE, this is some fucked up shit :o , but I liked it.

Yeah, that pretty much sums up what I think of this one. It feels more like a dark comedy/thriller than a drama and it sort of feels like a Tales from the Crypt short, like ZombieSean mentioned.

I liked Blake's bloody fantasies and I liked how he used "Wanna bet?" as a payback line.

My only beef with this is that Blake looses his grip with reality too fast, too suddenly. Work a little bit more on this angle, make his descent into madness a little bit slower. In that way, the ending will not be so abrupt, and you'll have the chance to flesh out a bit more Blake's relation with his wife focusing on the drama aspect.

I really liked the concept for this entry. It has a lot of potential.

I liked it. Nice read.

Typo - You refer to Blake as Brian in the first page. "Neither Sandy Nor Ross." - That's awkward.

Hi everyone,

Just back today from 3-weeks holidays, what a surprise to find those pleasant comments on my script. I know I should have done better, but I had just two days to write it before leaving. Guess I have a lot of work reading your scripts guys.

Thanks for the feedback. I DO appreciate.

Michel 8)

I'm thinking about turning that one into a feature following Helio's idea.

Michel 8)