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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Poetry / My short poem
Posted by: bare_nerve (Guest), April 14th, 2007, 12:27am
Wow. Really deep and almost disturbing stuff. I really liked it. Do you have anymore like this one? If so, I would really love to read them.
Posted by: Dethan, May 7th, 2007, 7:26pm; Reply: 1
The first sentence is weird. Your wall of denial can be seen in the eye, eh? I see some mucus. Your mixing a few metaphors here, be careful.
The rhyme scheme is really random and it hurts the flow. When I read it aloud I get stuck on that 2nd stanza - it is hard to make the transition from 2nd and 3rd line work.(The beat of your heart is deadened/You weaken yourself with selfish words) They just don't seem to go together, I have to give it a pause almost like a stanza break.
You also have competing refrains that take away from each other.
"You let the world wound you, you let the world hurt you" <- redundant.
And I'm not a fan of the last 4 lines. Or ... at the end of poems. Be bold. Use a period.
With a little work this could be a nice form poem. Theme is a bit dreary, but it works.
Dethan
Posted by: Dethan, May 7th, 2007, 8:35pm; Reply: 2
I know. I said your rhyme scheme was random. Heroic, Ballad, heroic, unrhymed, ect. You tossed it all in. I was pointing out the harsh d's followed by the soft y sounds. It gives me pause. Not that you cannot read it aloud. It just is hard to do when you don't know it is there.
Dethan
Posted by: alffy, May 8th, 2007, 6:00am; Reply: 3
I'm not good with poetry but I thought it was very good and very emotional.
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