Too Many Lights by Topher Rhives - Short - A young babysitter finds that she and the kids are not alone in the house. 5 pages - html, format 8)

Hey I'm looking for feedback on this. I wrote it under the thesis that I could do horror by keeping things in the dark and not swearing or having gore.

I'm well aware this needs work and I'm looking to extent it to 10 pages or so.

SPOILERS

Yeah, it definitely needs expanded upon. There are a few spelling mistakes, and on page 1 and page 3 - there are some errors (though it could have been Final Draft). You have 2 dialogues running into each other and a descriptive paragraph running onto dialogue.

As for the concept, I get what you are trying to elaborate on - but I feel you can take it to the next level. It feels like a sequence to a bigger picture, so it takes away from the impact of the characters and situation.

Also - one believability issue. End of page 3 - when she answers the phone. It's a little on the nose about checking on the girl after. Also - I think she'd be freaking a little be more and not as calm. Just my opinion.

Stew

Thanks, yeah I'm hoping have a second draft by Saturday. The entire point of this is to creep people out, you know.

I've always intended to change the last line to something a bit less on the nose. At the time I just couldn't think of anything.

With this I'll feel I've succeeded if people think the the suspence works. Another thing I'm going to change is the Saw reference. Seems to much like I'm ripping the idea off.

Nice. Good job. Agreed that it needs to be expanded on. But, only one thing, I just can't put my finger on it. It lacked something. Damn brain figure it out. But, I enjoyied the read and I want to read more of it. The nicest thing I saw about it was that it gets intense than drops than yout hink about stopping that back up. I love that in movies and screenplays. Your reading or watching. Going to stop. Bam! Your excited again. Al and all. 7 out of 10 being somthing was wrong with it.

True it seems too short for me. I'm looking for suggestion on how to lengthen it. What would you guys and girls like to see in here. What would improve the beleivabilty of this peice.

The only thing to keep in mind is I'd pefer not to show what's in the house.

Topher,

try at first to establish an everyday atmosphere. Amber on the phone watching TV while the kids are arguing, etc... Things happen too fast. Then, bring the polaroid in another way. Why is it resting on the table? Another thing. Weird that Amber brings the kids along with her. She just has heard a scream. It'd be funnier that she takes a lightsaber to light the place.

There are my first thoughts. Don't hesitate to ask for some more

Michel 8)

This was an okay read. I didn't really understand what was going on. I was thinking a poltergeist or something and at the end, aliens. In any case, I think the whole thing escalated a bit too fast. There's not much of a build. I agree that you could expand on this much more. It's only five pages, after all. Also, you keep switching the names Andy and Charlie. Pick one and stick with it.

All in all, not bad but I think it needs more.

Andy and Charlie are two characters and not just one. I do agree that I need to build the tension a tad more rather then let it escalate as fast as it did.

Just had a look at this one.

As other readers noted, you need to expand this story. It's not bad, the presence of someone or something in the house could lead to some interesting situations. But right now it doesn't feel like a script, but like a scene from a script.

While there's no need to spill everything to the reader I would suggest to explain a bit more that strange presence in the house. And yeah, loose the polaroid, you can bet your target audience watched "Saw" maybe more than once.

Format and writing style are quite good; your writing is eye friendly. Just one suggestion: don't describe what your characters aren't doing (i.e. Nobody speaks). Just tell us what they're doing while not speaking. If we don't read dialogue lines, we automatically asume they're not speaking.

Good luck with the re-write.

Hmm... I agree with what others have said, that is, Much Too Short.
It's a scene, but essentially one that is familiar: baby sitter in the house and somebody/something spooking her.
The creepiness seemed to shift from the thudding footsteps upstairs, to more of an entity.  
The use of a Poloroid camera to light the hallway/room was okay, but the setup was off.
As pointed out, it feels planted the way you have it.  You will need to introduce the Poloroid camera earlier.  Maybe one of the boys is playing with it.  Maybe taking a picture of Amber.

After Amanda disappears from the top of the stairs, perhaps we should hear her voice or her crying from other parts of the house. That would keep Amber and the boys continuing the search.

Too many names start with A. Fix that.

The description of the lights seem wrong.  I don't know if they would fade or flash on and off.  I think most light systems would simply go on and go off as the current flows and stops.

I think you do okay on keeping the story moving, but I'm not sure I understand all that is going on.  The house feels like it's a Disneyland attraction, with thing happening.  I didn't get a sense that anything was rooted in reality or logic.  

There are inconsistencies, one of them being:

               With that the light stops swinging. The alarm turns off. And
               the appliances shut off. A moment of uneasy silence. RING.
               Amber takes a breathe.  

                                     AMBER
                         I'd better get that. (beat) It's
                         probably the neighbors wondering
                         what's going on. We'll look for Amanda
                         in a few minutes she's probably
                         outside in the front.

Amber is speaking way too matter-of-factly.  Like she's never been through the ordeal you described.
Who cares about the neighbors or what they think?  She should be frantic, searching for Amanda and trying to get out of the house.   Or, at least try to make a call to 911.

The scenes as presented feel rushed.
You can do a montage early on to show the passage of time and the accumulation of activities.
Do you know what the evil "presence" is inside of the house?
Why are these events happening to this household and this family?

Practice good habits by Capping the character names upon introduction.

You mentioned not wanting to infuse this story with gore and profanity, but alot of stuff I've seen with a similar setup aren't necessarily laced with gore and violence.   This is just the preamble.

I'm hoping you can find a new wrinkle in this type of story.
Something that feels concrete and not random.

For example, when Amanda tells Amber that there is somebody in her room, what if she said it's Amber's boyfriend.
Amber could respond, but my boyfriend died six months ago. You know that, Amanda. Why would you say such a thing?

Something like that suggests a more concrete evil.

I'm not saying what you have won't work. But you really need much, much more to help us understand why the evil presence is in this house.  Of course, that all comes with a rewrite and expansion of the story.

Good luck.

Topher, you didn't give the story any opportunity to develop suspense.  You just rushed through, not even given us or the characters a hint as to what was going on.  If, and when, you rewrite this, take your time with the story.  Maybe even show the aftermath of what happened.  Have the babsitter talking with the police, or someone.



Phil

Hey Topher. I havn't read any other comments before this, so keep that in mind if repeat something.

-No name capitilization. I'm sure you wrote this is an  implusive frenzy, but still, formatting is important.

-Amber seems to calm about thing all too often. When she talks about where the girl went, and about the neighbours, she seems alomst happy.

-It's just too ubrupt. Nothing can be supsenseful if there is no lead up. And I didnt care what it was. I  want to be intrigued.

For a five minute short, this was terribly tedious. Not suspenseful, just a little boring. Add stuff in and fix it up. And the babysitter thnig's been done.

I like your idea - horror without gore or swearing, but I don't like your execution.

Rewrite, rewrite. :)