Love Bites by Tyler Higgins (higgonator) - Comedy - Love can be a wonderful thing, or so Rick hopes when he falls for his best friend Lucy. But when vampires get involved, he is quick to discover that love . . . bites. 97 pages - doc, format 8)

Hey everyone, this is my new script.  I really enjoyed writing it and hope you enjoy reading it.

Any reviews are welcome and taken to the script as well as the heart. Aww!

Tyler.

I noticed on your signature that you wrote the American Jackelope script. I remember reading that and posting a review. I recall commenting on the script having a lose story that was a little weak.

This new script of yours is a big improvement. It was a fun read with a tight story and a well structured plot that kept me reading to see how the story would unfold.

SPOILERS!!!!!

Watch your dialouge. Some of it was great, some of it was bloody hilarious but some of it was too word perfect and felt wooden. Need to shake up that dialouge and make it more naturalistic. Do you really need to have the characters talk a paragraph worth of words of dialouge in every scene?

I love all the little details in your script, there are dozens of them and they just make the story more of a joy to read and spices it up. Like Garret doing weights by using anything he can get his hands on, the fat C.I.T with balloons and sparkles.  Lee as Rick's secutary.

I was amused by the making of holy water and using garlic salt as a weapon. I got a giggle out of that.

The ryming scene was charming. But than again I'm a huge Dr. Suess fan.

The twist was good. I really thought the character you set up to be the vampire really was the vampire. Also liked how you had Garret drink holy water and how it effects the story later on. That was very clever.

This was very enjoyable and I can't see anything wrong with it. the only thing I would question would be the size of the script. Why is everyone sending in scripts that are only 80 pages in length. That's hardly a feature length movie.

And most of the scripts that i read here that are over 100 pages only have enough story to fill a 80 page script.
  

Hey!  Thanks for the read, I'm working on Perplexity Grove, should be done by the end of the weekend.

Glad you liked it, and it is good to know that it is an improvement from Jackelope (Although I really did enjoy that script and think that others who haven't yet read it will as well!).

SPOILERS AGAIN!

The wooden dialogue.  I'll have one of my freind just go through my script for me and point that out, because I can't seem to find it, mainly because I talk like that.  I'm, a bit of a grammar freak, and love my word of the day calendar to death (today's word: Dypnosophist-one who excels at table banter).  I do know what you mean though, I've been nailed for this before.

Thanls for noticing the details, I took a lot of time planning them.

One of the reasons I actually really wanted to make this script is because when going through my kitchen i would always come across garlic salt and spray, and think to myself: "Wouldn't it be hilarious if people used these as weapons against vampires?"

The ryhming scene might be my favorite.  Although I did enjoy making the Fat C.I.T. cry.

Glad the twist worked.  I was afraid it might throw people off. I wa actually debating about the holy kool-aid though, because technically, it wouldn't work, holy water works because water is thought to be the purest substance on earth...blah...blah...blah...holy kool-aid gets laughs, its in.

I'm trying to think of new scenes that may further develop the characters/plot.  I think I may add one between Lucy and Constance.

Once again, thanks for the read!

-Tyler

Oh, and bert, Higgonaitor comes from my last name (Higgins).  It became a nickname through a long, odd story.

Hey Higgs, (hopefully we're on a mono-syllabic basis) I just finished this and I thought it was a pretty cool and solid script with a lot of good stuff in it. aside from the following...

Many spelling and Grammar errors sprinkled throughout. I don't think Rick would have been too pleased with that. In fact, I think he'd be downright miffed.

Was Lucy named Emily in a previous draft? You had one INT. EMILY'S HOUSE when it should have been Lucy's house and the fat C.I.T. said she followed Emily at the end.

kudos on the reporter "Ren Fields", nice word play on probably my favorite horror character.

I Didn't get a good feel off the characters right off the bat. Mina I thought was funny but just seemed a little too quick. And at first, Rick comes off as kinda a hopeless romantic, I thought it was gonna be more of a Ben Stiller in There's Something About Mary type of character. Very unlucky and what not, bumbling asking Lucy out, and then it seemed like he became like really confident, as Lee's coach and then went more after protecting Lucy...it just seemed like his character took a turn to me. I basically just think everyone should have a little more character development in the beginning. The Fat cit should be introduced a little sooner too.

My major problem with this was that everyone kinda sounded the same. The way they talk, sometimes it got hard to destinguish between their respective identities. Especially things like the pickle conversation sounded like something that Steve or Rick would have said. In fact, Steve, Rick, and Constance all particularly sound very similar. And a lot at the beginning the characters seemed kinda blurred together as I mentioned before. Just a little more character development should do the trick. But you did improve with that as the script went on though, just not so much early on I think.

Did I miss something about Constance's house? 1. he's a spirit, and 2. how'd they know where he lived? I think that should just be redone some other way, leaving out showing him living somewhere.

C.I.T. I think you should tell what it stands for. Maybe I'm just slow, but I didn't get what it meant until I re-read some of the beginning. It's "counselor in training", right?

The swearing I don't think quite fit in this. Usually, I encourage MORE swearing, in every screenplay. But in this one, I thought you did a nice job of being clever, and articulate, and having a more intelligent brand of humor, and having the humor based more in the banter and dialogue, instead of just say, dick and fart jokes. which I liked. But every once in a while you'd throw in an "asshole" or a "shit" and I just didn't think it quite fit. Not a big deal, but still got to me enough to mention it.

Constance, I think for the most part came off as an asshole during his romps with Lucy in dealing with Rick. I think you should play more of the "you got me all wrong Rick, I care for Lucy so stop trying to mess things up" angle, rather than the "just stay away from us and leave me alone" angle. You know, like Rick is more of just an annoyance rather than them just not liking eachother, does that make sense?

The ending, I also thought was kinda odd between Lucy and Rick, in the sense that since Constance is gone, now it just seemed like she settled for Rick. After all, she did choose Constance over Rick, it just struck me as kinda bogus that she chose him just now that constance is gone. I think you should play more of the, "I can't believe you went through all this for me" angle of dialogue. I just didn't get that victorious mushy, "Rick finally came out on top" feel off the ending, which is what I think you were going for.

Other than that I thought it was pretty good. I liked it. It was funny from beginning to end, and had some good routines and dialogue. some of my favorites include: "See age doesn't matter, it's size!" - nice pay off, "I was just gatorade to you", "I pity the fool who tries to drink Lucy", and I doubt you even meant for this to be funny, but I thought it was hilarious when Rick said "when he kidnaps you, don't come running to me" - I don't know why that struck me as funny so much. I liked the scenes where Rick went to borrow the flour, and she didn't stick to his script, and all the holy kool-aid elements too. I also thought Steve was splendidly outrageous with his BAMS! Good job!

Wow,that was really thorough, thanks.

That was an enourmous help, and will definetely be in the criteria for the re-write.

At the end though, with Lucy and Rick, I actually did not want Rick to have "Finally came out on top"  feeling, but more of a leveled playing field.  They were both right, and they were both wrong.  Rick get's what he wants and Lucy doesnt die.  If Rick came out on top, Lucy would have to come out below, and I'm not quite sure thats exactly what I want.  Does this make sense?

Yes, C.I.T. does mean counselor in training, and that will definetely be explained more now that you mentioned it.

Once again, thank you so much.

Oh, and I'm glad you caught the Renfield Renference.

-Tyler

I’m always hesitant to read comedies, in my opinion they’re the easiest genre to fuck up. But lately, I’ve been impressed with the comedies around here and yours was no exception. I guess you could say that it’s all in the bam!

This one had me from the beginning, you have several entertaining events sprinkle throughout and each one had me laughing out loud. When the fat counselor in training tried to write the warning on the balloon was a personal favorite. The amount of humor you have in this one, is just right, no need to mess with any of the jokes in a possible rewrite.  

There were quite a few typos through out the script, but nothing really serious. Format wasn’t really a problem, although I’d consult George or another format jockey about page 58 and the whole montage deal. I’m not sure if that’s formatted correctly.

You had some interesting characters in here, my favorite being Lee. He definitely had the whole “Slient Bob” thing going on.  

Rick was a very well written character and had some great one-liners. But he did have some issues. The biggest thing that bothered me was that his cynical demeanor wasn’t constant throughout the entire script. He actually started off as seemly nice guy; just trying to get the girl and then bam, he’s a jerk. Maybe switch around the dialogue during the first few pages.

The Lucy/Emily character(there were a few instances where she was referred to as Emily) needs a little work, simple because there is nothing really special about her. I kept wondering why Rick was after her in the first place.

Drake also needs some work, perhaps a few more clues about his true nature before the Le Perrier scene. Maybe even a flashback, between Drake and Constance, with Drake killing Constance’s wife. It seems like he needs to be developed more, so there’s a bigger shock when everyone finally realizes he’s a vampire.  

Descriptions were, for the most part, fine. Nothing was confusing or needed to be read over more than once.

So, in the end, this was a great script. It’s needs to be cleaned up a little bit, but it’s a solid start.

-Zavier

Hey, sorry for the wait. I'm still not done reading just wanted to give some feedback so you have something to work with. I forewarn you that this field is not my expertise so...

SPOILERS!
I enjoyed the first scene with Mina especially with her pet rock.

I enjoyed the camp scene - all the boys running wild while the girls are calm.

I had problems with the proceeding scene btw Rick and Lucy especailly with the flour joke.  

The flour joke strenghtens a bit further in Lucy's house, but not much. Rick and Lee reminds me of Silent Bob and the other character that I can't remember his name  now.

The mailman scene trying to deliver the wieghts and topples down - funny

That dialgoue scene when Rick calls Lucy as he draws seems funny to me - I don't know why.

The dialgoue between Lucy and Constance was a bit funny. But went to quick when she gave her number to him.

This so far where I am at. I report more later.

Gabril  

Quoted from Nixon When the fat counselor in training tried to write the warning on the balloon was a personal favorite.

That was my favorite joke, alogn with the parents lines and the ryhming.  I'm so glad someone else loved watching the FGat C.I.T.s misfortune.

Quoted from Nixon Rick was a very well written character and had some great one-liners. But he did have some issues. The biggest thing that bothered me was that his cynical demeanor wasn’t constant throughout the entire script. He actually started off as seemly nice guy; just trying to get the girl and then bam, he’s a jerk. Maybe switch around the dialogue during the first few pages.

Yes, Rick was fun.  He defientely is out of character in the beginning, and I think that needs to just be completely erased and re-written.  I've tried just editting it, but, well, it hasn't worked to well.

Quoted from Nixon The Lucy/Emily character(there were a few instances where she was referred to as Emily) needs a little work, simple because there is nothing really special about her. I kept wondering why Rick was after her in the first place.

Yeah, I need to go through it and get all the Emily's.  I thin Sry helped point them out for me, so it shouldnt be too tough.  One of the added scenes I'm going to have is another between Lucy and constance, so I can develop her, him, and their relationship.  Three birds with one stone.

Quoted from Nixon Drake also needs some work, perhaps a few more clues about his true nature before the Le Perrier scene. Maybe even a flashback, between Drake and Constance, with Drake killing Constance’s wife. It seems like he needs to be developed more, so there’s a bigger shock when everyone finally realizes he’s a vampire.

I actually have a question about this, well, clues.  I wanted to write that Drakes van was the same type as Steves, a sort of clue that wouldn't be blaringly obvious when on screen, but is blaringly obvious in the script.  Do I still include it?  Drakes character should be fun to develop further, i think I'll just extend some scenes, giving him a few noticeable characteristics.  perhaps I'll work on his accent.

Glad you liked this Nixon.

-Tyler

Figure I've kept you waiting long enough...

I'm going to break this review in two since I already have a lot of notes. I'm more than halfway through your script so I should have the second half of the review up in the next day or so.

Anyway...

SPOILERS...

pg. 1 – Just call me Mina a hardcore Goth. No need to describe what she’s wearing. I think most people will have an idea of her right away.

pg. 2 – “It jumps out form the tree…” You mean “from.”

- The bat is wearing a hoodie? What the hell kind of a bat is this? I think a regular-sized bat in a hoodie would look, well, like a hoodie… without a bat in it. Maybe it shifts into human form on the way down. That would make more sense.

- What’s up with this Lee cat? He never talks. Is he a mute or what? Perhaps it’s a little too early to say anything but if his sole purpose in the script is to follow Rick around to give him a reason to talk, I’d say either get rid of him or give him a voice.

- A little too much mention of the Goth girl at this point. It’s already been established that she’s been killed. An additional mention might not do too much harm but, at this point, it’s becoming too repetitive.

pg. 19 – Capitalize Constance when introducing him.

- Maybe I missed something but how did Rick and Lee manage to tag along on Lucy and Constance’s get-together. I can’t imagine why Lucy would want them to with the way Rick is behaving.

pg. 31 – “He is not a stalker and if you can’t except that…” You mean “accept.”

pg. 32 - Who’s this Drake guy? Why is Rick so quick to let him join his and Lee’s “quest?” I mean, if he was just eavesdropping on their conversation, what makes Rick think he’s at all trustworthy, let alone the fact he’s only just met him. I think you need a more feasible reason for Drake to join the crew and perhaps a better introduction to his character as well.

- Why does Constance give himself away to Rick? What made him think Rick was onto him. He clearly had no idea Constance was a vampire. Perhaps he could do something peculiar at the mall that catches Rick’s eye and gives him more reason to suspect. That would give a more feasible reason for the confrontation. As of now, Constance could have easily gone on with Lucy, leaving Rick to continue  looking paranoid.

- Where is Drake from? Apparently he’s not American. Perhaps you should mention this if it has anything to do with the story.

pg. 38 – Constance appears to panic at the sight of the garlic, and for good reason, but perhaps he would try to exit more coolly so as not to weird Lucy out?

pg. 40 – “Scramble!!!” sounds a bit odd. How about “Scram!!!”

- The scene in the school hallway following Rick’s revelation to Lucy contains exactly the same information as the one preceeding it. Lose it entirely. No need to repeat what’s already been said and done.

- Again, this scene with Rick and Garrett is repetitive and offers nothing to the story. Lose it or add something to it that makes it important and stand out.

More later...

Congratulations on finishing another feature length script. You are well ahead of me already.

This was a cute story! Nicely plotted and nicely written. A quick read for sure.

SPOILERS:

Nice beginning I enjoyed it and I thought it fitting that her name was Mina (Dracula).

Pg 5, “Myby – maybe

I thought it was cute how Rick just babbles on out of nervousness.

It took me a while before I figured out what c.i.t was. Which reminds me, I do think that you should give the Fat c.i.t. a name.

Pg 7, INT. RICK’S HOUSEE – house

Pg 8, ansty - antsy

o n – on

Pg 15-17,  in just two or so pages, you switch from night – day five times. I’m no expert and this might be okay, but I think if this was on screen it would come off as somewhat jumpy.

16, I like Garret bench pressing anything he can get his hands on. Is bench benching what you intended to say here?

17, oh a taller – of a taller

Pg 20, I’ll right – write

Pg 25, Constance stands their – there

Pg 35, Constance says “this is much worse than – don’t you mean Rick?

I really enjoyed your different and clever uses of garlic.

I LOVED the idea of the homemade holy water and how it comes into play later on. Good job!

Garret’s comment after drinking the water is “Holy hell that’s good”. Very good, that was funny!

Pg 54, Lucy’s supposed to be likable, otherwise it wouldn’t make sense for all these guys to run after her. However, repeated comments about the Fat c.i.t. makes her come across as mean and makes me like her less. I felt sorry for that fat unnamed girl.

It does seem to me that Drake becomes a good buddy of theirs a little too quick. He’s basically accepted into the group without question right away.

I really liked how you used a number 2 pencil instead of a stake. You do have a lot of very clever things in this script!

Pg 63, Copnstance – Constance

Pg 64, resteraunt – restaurant

Pg 70, the best joke in the whole script to me was the “Bless you” part, haha.

Pg 72, Jim smiles than – then

Really nice how you worked in the Holy water (kool-aid) here. Funny and kool.

You have a lot of verbs ending in ‘ing. I’m only mentioning this because people tell me this all the time. Stick to “present tense” or something like that, is what they tell me.

Pg 74, the Dad says it smells like dead vampires. How would he know?

Pg 78, I loved Drakes comment to Mina that he was just thirsty.

Drake says “I my might” you probably meant I might

Also on this same page, what is Lucy doing? Did I miss something?

On the last pages I do feel that you need to change the whole thing with the Fat c.i.t. unless you want the audience to dislike Lucy.

This was a nice story and my only major complaint would be related to the dialogue. First of all, the characters speak very much in the same way, but they also speak in an unnatural way for teenagers (at least to me). Sometimes it’s almost theatrical instead of normal. There’s also too much of it. Don’t take this too hard however, this is something that I see a lot in especially the young writers. Trying to further the story through dialogue. I’ve even heard some young people complain that my scripts don’t have enough of it, because that’s what they prefer to read.

Just remember that you are writing a movie and not a comic and you have to think visually. I’m sure you’ve read that each sentence in a screenplay must further the story. This goes for dialogue as well.

I noticed you said that “this is how you talk”, that’s fine for one character, but you need to give the others their own voice.

Nice Job!!  8) 8)

Hey Pia,
Thanks for the read!  All that was very helpful for the edit\rewrite I'm working on, so I am very grateful.

As for switching day and night around so much, that was an accident.  The day i accidently added, its supposed to be night, so thanks for pointing that out, i would have never caught it.

The parents saying that it smells like dead vampires is a joke.  You're supposed to think "how would they know?  Thats ridiculous!" and then laugh.  I guess you just thought "thats ridiculous". I think I'll wait for others reactions to this joke before giving it the axe.

I am giving the fat CIT a name (casey, in case you were wondering)  And will change Lucy's reaction towards her at the end, because I don't want Lucy to come off as a joke, justa gil wanting desperately to know what the hell is going on.

On that page, i guess Lucy is just sitting there.  Perhaps I'll have drake pin her with his foot or something.  Thanks for pointing that little hole out.

As for the dialogue sounding the same, I'm having a freind of mine go in and help out woith that abit.  She's focusing on Lucy and Constance, so I guess the others are up to me.

Thanks again Pia!

-Tyler

SPOILERS...

pg. 57 – Garrett is talked into believing Constance is a vampire too quickly. He offers some resistance but when Rick mentions the guy has no reflection and turns into a bat, he eats it right up, like no reflection and shape-shifting is easy to swallow. It should take a little longer before he gives in.

pg. 64 – Constance essentially asks who Drake is. Shouldn’t he already know if he’s supposed to kill him?

pg. 65 – How come Drake’s clothes are reflected in the puddle but Constance is not reflected at all?

- Steve being a vampire seems kind of random. I feel it lacks the impact it should have had since he is such a minor character. Maybe if you expanded his role some, this would come as more of a shock.

pg. 73 – Not sure blood absorbs Kool-Aid. Meh. It’s not a big issue. Just something to think about.

- How does Dad know what burnt vampires smell like? I know it’s a joke but still…

- I think Drake is killed a little too easily. This is no good. Mina is dispatched in the same fashion but that worked well. To do it twice doesn’t. Even so, the whole confrontation is anti-climactic.

- I think you should explain who or what Constance actually is and also what the amulet is. It’s brought up yet subsequently ignored. It’s only partial information as of now and raises more questions than answers. Either get rid of the amulet or give it a purpose. Either way, you need to explain what Constance is.

Anyway, this was a pretty decent read. The premise was clever, there was a wide range of humor, which worked for the most part, and the format is on the money. The characters were decent but I think they could have been better. Rick's motives were understandable but earlier on, he just seemed nosey to me as he's essentially stalking Lucy and Constance on a mere guess that he is not to be trusted. Perhaps if you had some sort of confrontation between the two from the start, it would work better, as Rick would instantly have reason not to trust Constance. Drake also shows up out of nowhere and gets almost no character development until the very end and even then, it is minimal. I'd say expand his character and perhaps Lucy's as well. That'd give more reason for us to care about her and thus care about Rick's quest to save her.

All in all, needs some work, but for the most part, a good easy read with some decent comedy. Good job.

Tyler, do you actually know any goth people?  Well enough to write stories with them.  Despite the fact that you have Mina dressed goth, I didn't think she was goth at all.  I thought she was retarded.  Seriously!  I'm expecting her to have sex with that poet rock of hers.

You're very wordy when you write.  The dialogue is wordy.  And so are your action descriptions.  If you were to put this script aside for a month, and then edit it, you'd probably cut about a fifth off it (maybe more).

Your dialogue is also very forced and artificial.  Lines like, "I talked myself into a teap with Lucy, which is not something I had hoped to do." and the pickle conversation just makes me shudder and think 'WTF?'

SPOILER

Finally, you have to be careful about details.  How would anyone know that anything happened to Mina.  She's a loner.  She left the bar alone, the night before.  And the police found her blood on her pet rock.  Once again:  WTF?  Unless her pet rock glows in the dark, no one's going to know it from another rock.  And no one's going to notice any particular rock unless it's in a spot where you never find rocks.

Don't work on anymore scripts.  Work on the ones you got.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe Tyler, do you actually know any goth people?  Well enough to write stories with them.  Despite the fact that you have Mina dressed goth, I didn't think she was goth at all.  I thought she was retarded.  Seriously!  I'm expecting her to have sex with that poet rock of hers.

I have quite a few goth freinds and none of them act at all like mina (though they do dress the same).  This is a comedy and one comedic element is exaggeration, that is what I tried to use here, exaggeration of a stereotype. She is meant to be socially retarded, a sort of wanna-be goth.  I tried to show this through her hissing at the one guy and him calling hher a freak, but Apparently I need more, so thanks for pointing that out.  Also, the script isn't about goth kids, just two scenes.

Quoted from dogglebe You're very wordy when you write.  The dialogue is wordy.  And so are your action descriptions.  If you were to put this script aside for a month, and then edit it, you'd probably cut about a fifth off it (maybe more). Your dialogue is also very forced and artificial.  Lines like, "I talked myself into a teap with Lucy, which is not something I had hoped to do." and the pickle conversation just makes me shudder and think 'WTF?'

I already started that process, where I'm going back to the scenes that I felt awkward writing (the pickle scene being one of those) and re-writing/wording them.  I havent really cut to much off (perhaps in a month or two like you said) but I am getting the "WTF" bits less WTF.

Quoted from dogglebe Finally, you have to be careful about details.  How would anyone know that anything happened to Mina.  She's a loner.  She left the bar alone, the night before.  And the police found her blood on her pet rock.  Once again:  WTF?  Unless her pet rock glows in the dark, no one's going to know it from another rock.  And no one's going to notice any particular rock unless it's in a spot where you never find rocks.

Huh.  That actually didnt occur to me.  Do you recommend I find a way for them to notice, or just have them not notice?  I guess I could go either way.

Thanks Phil, I'm workin on it.

hey Higgonaitor, finished with the script as promised. Sorry it took long to read. I enjoyed it very much. It had funny scenes. Some of the dialgoue needs a bit work for certain scenes, but overall it was decent. Getting close to the end, the story was getting funnier. That whole hero and sidekick thing was funny. I enjoyed it.

I was perusing some of the comments after reading and noticed a few that you can fix. For example, the comment concerned with would Constance not know Drake.  I guess you can add a scene implying that Drake changed his name from something previous when he took Constance's wife.  

hope this helps.

Gabriel  

Hey Gavriel, thanks for the review, very helpful.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I was perusing some of the comments after reading and noticed a few that you can fix. For example, the comment concerned with would Constance not know Drake.  I guess you can add a scene implying that Drake changed his name from something previous when he took Constance's wife.

I actually had a scene like that, but I got rid of it because I thought it was just kind of confusing and uneeded, but now that I have you recommending it, I think I;ll put it back in.

Thanks!

-Tyler

Well Higgonaitor that was a great read. It was really funny in a lot of parts and Rick was such a great character. His speeches were pretty fun to read.

SPOILERS--------------------------------------

For such a short script I was thinking this thing would be jam-packed with action, well not necessarily action, but in the beginning it seemed that things were starting off pretty slow. Mina’s little bit was good for a beginning, but things seemed to slow down until Constance was introduced. Try to pick things up and throw some more obstacles in your protagonist’s path.

Constance was the only character that needed a little improvement. All of the others have some stereotype that’s way overblown (which is good, because it makes it funnier) why don’t you give him one?

Dialogue
Your dialogue was great the majority of the time, but sometimes the dialogue passages that ran over 4 or 5 lines got a little old. Try to keep things to a minimum and avoid rambling. I do that too so no biggie really.

Minor Issues
-I don’t know about Lee elbowing Rick right in front of Lucy, because well there right in front of each other. I could see under the table, but they’re out in the open.
-I wasn’t too sure about Rick’s assumption. He automatically assumed that the “freak” could possibly be the kidnapper. Just didn’t seem like a strong connection to me.
-Another no biggie, but parentheticals normally go under the characters name.
-How old’s Chris?
-Nice surprise with Constance being the guy going with Lucy, but try to keep up the suspense, and put more obstacles in Rick’s way of stopping them.
-Why did Drake stop talking like his normal self. He lost his medieval type tone.

Format
-Just as an idea you could use instead of doing Int. –then the rest. You could just do ENTRANCE HALLWAY, then when you want to switch upstairs you can do UPSTAIRS.
-Ext. Not so busy road – Night really isn’t a scene heading, just put down “not so busy” in the description.

Characters
-The way Rick talks is so funny. I know people you have that kind of way when they speak.
-You might want to change Drake’s name, just because. I kind of had a feeling he might be involved, still pretty good reveal.
-Dude. Rick is so funny. I think that’s like the third time I said that, but really he is. When the vampire broke the door down and he said Well I guess he showed me I actually laughed out loud.
-Every one of your characters were solid, all of them so different. My fav character was the Fat C.I.T.

Fun Parts
-That’s a pretty cool situation you put Rick and Garret in. Never thought of that.
-Chillins ha… my mom says that.
-Damn, those were some tight rhymes. lol.
-Awesome scene when the vampires attacked them in the home. So many funny lines.

Great script Higgonaitor really it was a fun read.

Good luck.

Thanks for the read T.A., it was extremely helpful and most of it was stuff I had not heard before fixing my cript even more before the re-write goes up (which will be soon, btw.)

I also wanted to thank James, so, thanks james, huge help.

Glad you both enjoyed it.

-Tyler

Tyler, I finally finished it.

It's rather hard to not repeat what everyone said before. The only thing I would repeat is I love your script. Looks like Buffy and Andrews meet the Goonies. Very vivid, bright and brilliant dialogs. You succeeded in avoiding clichés or turned them into original stuff.

*********************SPOILERS**************

IMHO, I'm a litle skeptical about anyone could turn water into holy water. It'd be funnier if they break a church to steal some.

I love the rhyming part in the Perrier.

You could replace the sponge by a kid water gun.

When Jim bites Garrett, it should be a surprise, not an invitation from Garrett to do it.

Well, I can be wrong but it was everything that crosses my mind reading your script.

Hope It'll help.

Michel 8)

Quoted from michel Tyler, I finally finished it. It's rather hard to not repeat what everyone said before. The only thing I would repeat is I love your script. Looks like Buffy and Andrews meet the Goonies. Very vivid, bright and brilliant dialogs. You succeeded in avoiding clichés or turned them into original stuff.

Thanks Michel, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from michel IMHO, I'm a litle skeptical about anyone could turn water into holy water. It'd be funnier if they break a church to steal some.

I would have done this, but they have the exact scene in "The Lost Boys" and I wanted o seperate myself from that movie.

Quoted from michel When Jim bites Garrett, it should be a surprise, not an invitation from Garrett to do it.

Garret is not actually inviting the vampire to bite him, "bite me" is more of a "screw yu" and is not always to be taken so literally.  It is a kind of slang and is used that way in this screenplay, but perhaps it should be more sudden, more surprising, I'll think it over.

Thanks!

-Tyler

Ok, time for my review.  Sorry it's so late, but I had to peruse through your script once again to get a better feeling of what I needed to say.

First off, I'll start by saying I enjoyed the script.  I never laughed out loud, but I knew that a lot of stuff was funny, and would transfer well to a film, making for an enjoyable experience.  The characters were fun and the situations you put them in suited them well.

However, I agree with a lot of what's been said on the board already.
1) Rick's character changes too much from one part of your script to the other. (Timid to extremely slick and confident)

2) Mina's character is too much.  I see what you're going for, but that doesn't necessarily mean it works.

3) The plot has been done before.  That's your biggest problem.  Even though it's a good script, your logline is going to leave people saying (like myself), "This plot, AGAIN!?!"  It's still an enjoyable read, but actually getting someone to read it with that logline will be tough.

Other than that, good job.  No other real complaints.

Quoted from dresseme First off, I'll start by saying I enjoyed the script.  I never laughed out loud, but I knew that a lot of stuff was funny, and would transfer well to a film, making for an enjoyable experience.  The characters were fun and the situations you put them in suited them well.

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from dresseme 1) Rick's character changes too much from one part of your script to the other. (Timid to extremely slick and confident)

...You should have seen him before the re-write.  Practically bi-polar from beginning to end.  I tried making it less of a jump, but its difficult to make Rick slick in the beginning.  Maybe I'll have to make him less slick near the end.  Any thoughts?

Quoted from dresseme 2) Mina's character is too much.  I see what you're going for, but that doesn't necessarily mean it works.

Hmm, phil seemed to think the same, but everyone else seems either to not mind her or be fond of her, so I'm not sure what I'll do with her. I enjoy her.

Quoted from dresseme 3) The plot has been done before.  That's your biggest problem.  Even though it's a good script, your logline is going to leave people saying (like myself), "This plot, AGAIN!?!"  It's still an enjoyable read, but actually getting someone to read it with that logline will be tough.

Huh.  Really?  Like what?  I don't think I've ver seen this plot before, maybe if you look at it really generally as a script about a guy trying to get a girl thats already dating someone.  But if you look at any plot generally, it's been done a million times.  For example, your script: "Based on a True Story" could be reduced to: "Two guys hatch a scheme to get rich and famous" and then it has been done a million times.  It could be done with just about anything.

If you're NOT looking at this plot generally, and DO know of other scripts where a boy likes a girl who likes a boy who boy one thinks is a vampire, than excuse me, you are correct.

Thanks!
-Mike Sheldon
(Higgonaitor)

I agree with you about the plot.  Everything has been done quite a bit before, including my plot (if you reduced it, like you said).  That's generally why I hate the reliance on log lines, because it has the possibility of making a really great script sound bland.

And it's called "Once Bitten".  I know I've seen it done other times, but off the top of my head I can't remember any.  I wasn't trying to be a dick (I did like the script), I was just trying to point out my distaste for loglines, basically.

Quoted from dresseme I agree with you about the plot.  Everything has been done quite a bit before, including my plot (if you reduced it, like you said).  That's generally why I hate the reliance on log lines, because it has the possibility of making a really great script sound bland. And it's called "Once Bitten".  I know I've seen it done other times, but off the top of my head I can't remember any.  I wasn't trying to be a dick (I did like the script), I was just trying to point out my distaste for loglines, basically.

Yeah, okay cool.  I didn't think you were trying to be a dick anything, I just thought you were wrong, but I guess I didn't really quite get what you were getting at.  Anyway, thanks again.

OK, Higgs.  Seems like I have been reading a lot of comedies lately.  At least this one had some monsters in it.  Your strength is dialogue.  And your format doesn’t suck anymore.  Good job on both.  And good job on this story, actually.  It is very entertaining, with plenty of good laughs in it.

But this one is not without some comments, and these will contain lots of spoilers:


*  First off, where are the page numbers?  It always bugs me to critique a script without page numbers.
*  I like Mina right away.  Raven is a bit strange, but it’s early, so I’ll buy into that for now.
*  Argh!  Don’t say “about 10 boys”!  You are the writer!  Is it 9 or 10 or 11?  Sorry, but that’s a pet peeve of mine.  Don’t ever use “about” or “seems like” or other vague terms.  You do it again around page 45 with “He seems to morph and fade.”  Well, is he or isn’t he?  Just tell it like it is, man.  And tell us what C.I.T. means while you’re at it.
*  OK, now we are borrowing flour, and I am starting to think that Rick might be a bit too verbose.  I mean, I can tell you are having fun with it, and it’s not that it is bad.  It just might be a bit too much if you don’t spread him out a bit.  Just give him those long patches every now and then, you know?  Not every single time he speaks.  But then, Lee never speaks, so he is kind of talking twice as much for both of them.  Whatever.  I think you know what I am getting at.
*  So we finally get some more vampire on page 30 or so, but who the heck is this Chris guy?  I could care less if he gets bit.  You’ve got more characters.  Why not kill somebody we already know?  I would.
*  Why does everybody start cursing when we reach the mall?  Not that it bothers me, but if you haven’t done it so far, why start now?  It really stands out, and doesn’t seem necessary.  I think watching somebody get pelted with a big thing of garlic powder would look very funny on the screen, and would probably get a good laugh.
*  Around page 70, Rick asks Garret, “What about Steve and that girl he was with?”  Sorry if I missed this, but I don’t remember anything happening.  And in this same conversation, it is serial killer, not cereal killer haha.  Fix that.
*  Your late switcheroo is a good one.  I won’t spoil it here, but I did not see it coming.  And then Steve shows up.  I really must have missed something somewhere, but I simply do not remember Steve after that first scene.  If you DID include a scene where Steve gets attacked, I’m sorry, but I would also point out that it was far from memorable, so you should probably rework that part.  [Note:  OK, going back, I found the van wreck.  See my broad comments for more on this.]
*  During Jane’s big death scene, you call her Jim.  Fix that, too.  And Dad smells vampires haha.  That might be my favorite line.
*  After the climax, there is too much chatter.  No need to rehash the whole story.  Get out faster.

And some broader stuff:

You deliver on the laughs, but I am not getting enough scares for a vampire story, and there is no reason not to have both.  You need to up the tension for this story to work right.  Even though the story is intentionally a bit absurd, you should still be using these vampires for more than just comic relief.

For example, when Rick discovers who Constance really is in the mall -- or thinks he does -- Constance just runs away.  This is a lost opportunity to frame Constance as a formidable villain.  Constance should threaten Rick.  A little more misdirection here.  This should be a menacing scene that leaves Rick afraid, but now he knows that he must rise to the challenge to save his beloved Lucy.  This would make your late switcheroo even more powerful.

And that part where Steve and Jane get it.  Honestly, that segment barely registered with me.  I had to go back and find it.  You should show them in the van getting attacked.  Have your unseen vampire pounding on the roof of the van while they cower inside.  Hell, have your guy rip the roof right off!  But simply cutting away from the wreck is not enough.  Again, give your reader more scares.  More tension.

I would like to see more of Mina, too.  She is my favorite character, but she is gone as soon as she has had a chance to register.  I think this story would benefit from a little more of her.  She could be a wicked presence popping up from time to time, helping to confirm for us that yes, there are nasty vampires among us.  The pet rock is still weird, though.  Whatever.

But your comedy works, Higgs.  A lot of this is really funny, if a bit chatty from time to time.  Work on trimming some of that fat, just keeping the stuff that is really good, using your own judgement there.  My advice, when you find it in you to go back for a rewrite on this, is to up the horror aspects where you can.  Find places where you can insert some good scares.  This could be a very tight script for a teen audience, as I think you’ve got all the right pieces in place.

Bert, I just sent you a PM saying I hope you enjoy it, but you've already read it, so I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks.

Quoted from bert *  First off, where are the page numbers?  It always bugs me to critique a script without page numbers.

Huh.  I wonder if theres a way for me to do that without going through and numbering each page by hand, knowing me, if I had to do it that way, I'd end up with about 6 page sevens.

Quoted from bert *  Argh!  Don’t say “about 10 boys”!  You are the writer!  Is it 9 or 10 or 11?  Sorry, but that’s a pet peeve of mine.  Don’t ever use “about” or “seems like” or other vague terms.  You do it again around page 45 with “He seems to morph and fade.”  Well, is he or isn’t he?  Just tell it like it is, man.  And tell us what C.I.T. means while you’re at it.

..I mean. I would end up with 6 page sevens.  Point recieved.

Quoted from bert *  OK, now we are borrowing flour, and I am starting to think that Rick might be a bit too verbose.  I mean, I can tell you are having fun with it, and it’s not that it is bad.  It just might be a bit too much if you don’t spread him out a bit.  Just give him those long patches every now and then, you know?  Not every single time he speaks.  But then, Lee never speaks, so he is kind of talking twice as much for both of them.  Whatever.  I think you know what I am getting at.

Yeah, I do need to cut down on Ricks babbling in certain areas.  I dont want him THAT annoying.

Quoted from bert *  So we finally get some more vampire on page 30 or so, but who the heck is this Chris guy?  I could care less if he gets bit.  You’ve got more characters.  Why not kill somebody we already know?  I would.

That didn't occur to me at all as I was writing it, it seems like something that happens often in horror movies, the random guy that dies to advance the horror, but when I had some of my freinds read it that was their main problem with the whole thing "Who the hell is chris?".  So I think that rather than killing off Garret or lee or the Fat C.I.T., I'm just going to have to introduce Chris before he dies, not sure how though.  Maybe at the camp.

Quoted from bert And Dad smells vampires haha.  That might be my favorite line. *  After the climax, there is too much chatter.  No need to rehash the whole story.  Get out faster.

That was one of my favorite lines too! That and the asian nut line for some reason. As for ditching the rehash, that sounds good.

Quoted from bert You deliver on the laughs, but I am not getting enough scares for a vampire story, and there is no reason not to have both.  You need to up the tension for this story to work right.  . . .  Again, give your reader more scares.  More tension.

Yeah, I realloy did want this to have a horror component to it.  Horror, unfortunately, has never been my strongest suit.  Ishould be able to beef up the horror in the scenes you mentioned though, but horror is definetely something I need to work on.

Quoted from bert I would like to see more of Mina, too.  She is my favorite character, but she is gone as soon as she has had a chance to register.  I think this story would benefit from a little more of her.  She could be a wicked presence popping up from time to time, helping to confirm for us that yes, there are nasty vampires among us.  The pet rock is still weird, though.  Whatever.

Another pro Mina vote then.  I don't know if I can really expand her part, some people just can't stand her at all, but it looks like she's gonna stay in, which isd good because I also really enjoyed her.  Raven, however, is still on thin ice it appears.

Thanks for the rewad Bert.  Extremely helpful.

-Tyler

Tyler

Okay I read your screenplay and for the most past I enjoyed it. I read it in two sittings, noted what page number where I left off at and when I returned I didn't have a problem re-finding my way through the story or characters (always a good sign).

This isn't that bad of a story, you have fleshed out a decent group of characters; you clearly show who the protagonist is and the supposed antagonist. You know what a 3 act structure is, you clearly have plot points throughout, you have a set-up, a mid point and a clever reversal (revealing who the real antagonist is) and an ending. Which all goes to show you understand what a ?screenplay? is. You also have a talent for humor and this is reflected in your quick-fire dialogue. You also provide through lines in your dialogue but these do tend to be related to character conflict more than plot or story but some on these through lines do reflect the story conflict occasionally so you are not that far off in places.

What let you down is you write too much dialogue as if you rely on this to tell your story through the dialogue for you. I'd like to see you cut your dialogue down by 50 per cent. You'll still be able to retain the heart of what your characters want to say and not lose anything. When I say this I mean you write a lot of lines that exceed 5 lines so the effect you get is these characters seem to give speeches. Like I said, you can achieve the same effects but by reducing the lines down 50 per cent in my opinion. In some cases more. Dialogue in movies is not talk in real life but is condensed. The idea is to make it as tight as possible with as few words as possible but still capture the essence of what you want your characters to say. Hey, this stuff ain't easy but as a discipline, if you work at this it'll make you a better screenwriter.

Moreover, I feel a lot of dialogue, on occasions is throw-away and not directly linked to the overall story or plot. I should re-evaluate what you've written from dialogue and say to yourself, is what I have written related to the plot and story in anyway. If not, throw it away or re-write dialogue for your characters which is directly linked with through lines so the plot and story in some way which enables us as readers to locate a path as we trundle through your story narrative.

I would also like to see you practice writing the spoken word with single inverted commas so your dialogue springs off the page when your characters speak to us. At the moment a lot of your dialogue is written as the written word and feels a little stiff and lifeless. This doesn't mean to say what your characters said in this screenplay didn't speak to me because they did, but I was forced to work hard to imagine what they said was spoken. In actual fact their dialogue was written and read that way. You can only learn this stuff by reading more novels and screenplays. See how an author or screenwriter actually writes dialogue, where he or she places single inverted commas. Exclamation marks.  Where the dialogue tails off or is interrupted. As a writer you can capture the essence of what a character says with a little attention to these details and me thinks you could work on this element of your writing a bit more.

I also consider you could spend a little more thought on your scene descriptions or action to describe stuff and events more so we the reader know what you mean. This could also be said for a decent biography or description of your characters. Have fun with this stuff, it's like painting with different brushes and colors and can be real fun when you get into the swing of it. A lot of comments have been made about putting too much in a screenplay but me thinks a little goes a long way. You can describe characters as continually fiddling with their spectacles or hair, scratching their butt, picking their nose; be a hard ass or a lamer who has a limp. It doesn't really matter but if you send some time setting up these wonderful characters you have in your head so they breathe and come alive off the page then we as readers can see them too. It's like you know these characters are there, so does the reader but you have to go to great lengths to describe them, and this is what writing is all about. Be as accurate as possible so you leave no room for doubt in what you are describing.

The same can be said of times of day, clothes characters wear, behavior, action and reaction by characters, the more in detail you can describe in the least words possible then you will have screenwriting down to a craft. A lot of this stuff comes from re-writes anyway so its something you have to chisel away at to refine and make as perfect as you can. Every word, every sentence and every paragraph is so important in a screenplay that it has to have meaning and be related some way to the plot and story so your characters are locked into these phenomena.

If you can acquire a formatting screenplay package I think it would be good for you when you re-write this script to see how your text will format on the page correctly. A lot of your action descriptions and dialogue is okay where it is placed on the page but your slug lines need correcting. It's no biggy but something you could work on. I would describe a person's house (in your script's case) as the house of a person so if we as the reader are then presented at a house I would ay something like:

EXT. SMITH'S HOUSE - TONY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

You do have this in some places but laps on other occasions in the script.

These are minor problems and can be fixed but I would like to see what you could do with industry quality script formatting software such as Final Draft or Movie Magic Screenwriter or something similar. I'd like to see this presented in a formatted PDF document, I'm sure it would look a lot better..

Ultimately, like I've already mentioned, you can only learn this stuff if you read more. Screenwriting books, other screenplays and novels. The craft of writing stems from reading, the two go hand in hand..

You have a good little screenplay here, you've established the foundations for a good story which is well plotted and you also display a good understanding of the 3 act structure and other elements which go to make up a screenplay so well done there. I can tell that you've worked hard on this and you should be commended, it is very good but I think it could be a lot better if you concentrate on a little more character development, better scene descriptions, using more active verbs, write in the present tense and try and reduce the amount of lines you write for each character. You can find alternative solutions to break up more than 5 lines of dialogue by other characters interrupting, breaking dialogue with some action or cross cutting to a different scene which are cool devices to play around with, they keep the interest up, they introduce new conflict and keep the conflict rising to newer peaks. It also propells the story forward quicker.

Overall, you have quiet an achievement here, a completed feature screenplay and that is something to be very proud of. Keep, working on this, make your writing more descriptive, more tighter, reduce the amount of dialogue your characters speak and I think you'll do exceptionally well with this.

Its' not about how many features you can write but how you re-write what you've already got to make it read like this screenplays is one of the best there is. Attention to detail is the key here. You'll only improve a thing if you work on the re-writing..

Climb back in there and do another re-write and let yourself go.. Go for it..

Well done by the way, you've done good...

Let me know when you've performed another re-write and I'll give it another read for you.


Kevan

Thank you very much for the read and review Kevan.  My main question is what you mean by "through lines", I have never heard that term before, which probably means I need to work on it.

I have been told very often that my dialogue is much to long, as if my characters were giving speeches, so I definetely in the next revision have to cut down the dialogue quite a bit, as you suggested.  

My vagueness in the description should also be worked on, as you mentioned, and more details will be put forward.

Once again, thank you very much.

-Tyler

Tyler

Through-lines are the different view points of how a story is told. In a screenplay, it is how you the writer chooses dialogue which relates to the story and leads to other characters what they have seen, witnessed, heard, read etc. You can be creative using through-lines and choose to let your characters reveal plot points or talk about them after they have been revealed visually or you can do both. You can have your characters agree and or disagree about what happens in your screenplays and these are through-lines.

Think of your story where your main hero character tells the girl she is being stalked by a vampire and she laughs and tells him he his stupid, he is just jealous. This is a through-line. You are also revealing elements of plot too here so there is a fine balance between what to show and what to tell.. In this case, your girl character needed to be informed that the hero characters thinks the stalker is a vampire because this is also rooted in the set-up and the reversal and so is directly related to the plot. So in this instance, it is a good through-line.

Other through-lines can be a lot smaller and can be a joke, As in the store when buying garlic when one buys Garlic Salt which has a payoff later on. This is also a through-line because it not only relays information visually, both in the store and later when thrown on the supposed antagonist but is spoken about by your characters on more than one occasion. Therefore, the first time garlic salt is spoken about leads to a second time it is mentioned and then a third. This is three through-lines which link the scenes together or bridge them.

Through-lines - very useful little things.. Can also be used doubly as subtexts, can be evident in the hero character's flaw, mirrored between two or more characters, a whole host of uses in a screenplay.. Color is another use for a through-line.. The color red signifies something, but the continual representation of the color red in a screenplay can act as a through-line to signify something about character, plot and many other things.. Think of them as layers which interconnect but which move the story and plot forward. It produces a kind of a deeper meaning to the work..

The idea is to make a complete screenplay possess through-lines from scene to scene, between character and character, with visuals and dialogue, color, light and anything else you care to mention. In other words, a great screenplay has so many interconnecting through-lines that the work is elevated to a masterpiece. Alan Ball’s American Beauty is considered a screenplay which contains many through-lines which are interconnected and woven so beautifully in the script that once read you'll never forget them. Matchstick Men has a decent amount of through-lines too, and a very good screenplay to read too..

Kevan

So I want to make sure I have through lines straight, tell me please, if the following example is a through line: Mina is attacked in the beginning, Mina is talked about by Garret and Rick, Mina comes back at the end.  Would that be three through lines?

Or is it more like when Rick says that Lee is an expert in karate, endowing Lee with another character trait?

Are eithe rof those good examples?

Tyler

Yes, the Mina example you've mentioned are through-lines because even though they are broken by passages of time they provide a link in three places throughout the screenplay story and are also related to the plot.

I'm not sure about the Lee character example.. If you mention that Lee is a karate expert but nothing else is discussed or shown or it is not pertaining to the splot then this is not a throug-line but a throw-away line and un-related. If you use it as a joke then one line would br the set-up and the second line or visual gag would be the payoff.

For example, if you have Rick say that Lee is a Karate black belt and then later on when the characters are confronted by Lee and he doesn't use Karate skills but simply bursts through the door with his undead powers of strength, then another character can make a joke and say something like, "I didn't know they taught smashing through doors at Kung Poo's Karate school."... The dialogue line is a question and an answer in one but linked to the original line which refered to Lee being a black belt in Karate and could then be refered to as a through-line and the visual gag of him smashing through the door would be another through-line too. And the other characters shocked reactions. Through-lines can be visual as well as within dialogue..

Through-lines don't have to be something the characters do, they can be releated to things within the story, could be pictures on the wall, photoraphs, vampires non-refections in mirrors, clocks dislaying certain times of day, anything but it is the interlinking and interweaving which is the key to understanding and using them correctly..

Kevan

hey good script i like.

Hey, thanks Bga.  Do you have any comments though?  Like what exactly did you like, and was there anything you disliked?  Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

-Tyler

Quoted from Higgonaitor Hey, thanks Bga.  Do you have any comments though?  Like what exactly did you like, and was there anything you disliked?  Any comments would be greatly appreciated. -Tyler

Hey Tyler,
Sorry my review is taking so long. I'll have it up soon...i'm on page 75.

-shawn

Don't worry shawn, I'm also taking a long time on yours, I bet your as busy as I am.  I should have 8X10 done this weekend.

Hey i post i share lil what I have found, so you kow i am reading it! So far I do the Steve "bam" good shit.

"A relaxed looking STEVE, 17, wears sunglasses and keeps an eye on the kids as he listens to RICK, 16, who is kind of short, and skinny with dark hair and fashionable glasses."

Break this sentence up


"There is another also a fat C.I.T. named Casey." Fix this one.


"And the only thing found at her
disappearance was this blood
spattered pet rock, with an angsty
face, and a space in her heart
which her owner, Mina, used to
occupy. Now back to you, John"

AFTER her" -I'm not really able to grasp what you are implying here. Maybe its just me" and how do they know it was a PET rock, honestly?

          RICK
"What were they planning on using
said flour for, anyways? You know?
Stuff like that." Remove *said*


More all sentences to ACTIVE form, that can be without making bad grammer. That means drop all ING from verb words. You ill notice in this in my scripts. Might find 2 or 3 in the entire script.
i hope to post full review soon!

LUCY
Awesome, *I'M*

Pg 17
RICK
See? More golden nuggets for your
non-existent notebook!  Tommorow at" Tomorrow

im up to page 20 something and enjoying so far!

Here's my review (though VERY delayed; Sorry about that)

On my initial read it seemed to start of pretty slow. I got to about page thirty and i had no idea at all what was going on. I realised I wasn't really focused so i started all over from the beginning.


I thought Steve's consistent use of BAM was hilarious...at first but then it got old but then funny again cause he was so very consistant.

I loved Rick and Lee's relationship...it reminded me a bit of Pinky and the Brain except Lee had barely any dialogue.

I knew something was up with Drake as soon as I read his name...Drake as in "Dracula" but i thought he might be Constance's day guard or something like that.

I thought Constance was a girl at first...and I really believed that he was a Vampire good job at that.

I remember Rick had a line referenceing Martha Stewart that I couldn't stop laughing at. Also the HOLY GRAPE KOOL-AID was great and the fact that Rick became a Priest over the internet.
I thought of the FROG brothers during that Vampire proofing montage.

I didn't really have any problems with this except of the same from Mindless...while some of the jokes were funny to me...others are kinda flat. But you can't really please everyone with comedy...different people find different thingd funny. I know people who though Date Movie was Hilarious while others didn't laugh once. Also I didn't really find myself up until Rick and Lee are following Constance and Luck at the mall. I really Enjoyed this...especially the last half.


Once again...I apoplogize for the delay


-Shawn

Hey Tyler,

I'm copying James from the other thread because I know I said I'd read this a long time ago, so I just started checking this out to let you know that I've begun.  I'm about 12 pages in and so far I'm liking it.  Steve and his "bams" are hilarious.  One thing though that I'm nitpicking is when Rick is talking to Garret and Garret is like "Some Goth girl named Mina was killed etc etc."  The name doesn't really matter IMO.  I mean if I saw the news story and was telling someone I'd say "dude, some Goth chick was killed etc. etc."  But again, that's just a nitpick through the first 12.  I'll try to finish this up as soon as humanly possible!

Thanks for the ead shawn, I'm really working on the beginning, I've found that to be the weakest art of the script, what with the slowness as you mentioned and how the characters kind of dont really fit.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Greg, I'm glad you started it.  As for the name dropping you're right.  That doesnt work.  I basically just wanted to give some props to bram stoker, but I'll get rid of it because it does kind of throw it off.

thanks guy's.

-tyler

Oh, hahaha.  So how long ago did I say I'd read this?  5 years ago or something?  Well, I told you I'd get around to it! And I finally finished it this evening!

Now, I was taking notes but found myself writing minimal plot thingies, so I figure I'd just kind of explain my opinions on dialogue, story, etc.

Story: It was a very nice story, friendly, interesting take on the love-themed comedies.  I think what was best about this story is that it wasn't cheesy--or at least intentionally cheesy--like many romantic comedies tend to be.  That plays to your advantage because your target audience is then much wider.  So you got the vampires killing people and whatnot, and I liked the dramatic flashback you had with Constance and his wife and that slut Drake.  The pacing was great as well, though I feel that you could have expanded on certain parts, i.e. the ending.  I'll be honest, the ending didn't really do it for me, like at all.  Drake and Constance vanish, then it's like okay, bye, c-ya, let's go out, the end.  I just felt something else could have been added in, like they all go eat garlic bread or we learn that Constance is at peace now or just anything else!  To me it just seemed the ending wanted to go as fast as possible, so I'd consider going over it.

Dialogue: For the most part pretty good stuff.  I like Rick's explanations of every little thing that he talks about.  He's got a kind of obsessive compulsiveness about him where everything has to be just so and he hast to explain everything to death so no one messes up.  The exchanges that he has with Garret were well timed, Drake's switch from foreign egghead to evil vampire dude was clear and concise, and Lee's only speech came at a very appropriate time.  I thought the "bless you" was awesome!  Lucy was probably the only one I felt lagged, but that's because probably she was the innocent girl in this and all of these crazy guys were surrounding her.  Maybe that was your intention?  And of course Steve's bams were awesome as well.

Characters: I liked all the characters.  At first I thought Constance was an ass but when we learn about his character I felt sympathy and then really liked him at the end which is why I wanted to see some closure for him beyond the death of Drake.  I think you could go without the scene with Mom and Dad because that's like their only appearance and it's just out of place.  Rick was a well rounded character and all, though I think in certain scenes you could have dropped some sarcasm and added in some more depth, i.e. rather than saying "we have to get the bloodsucker or whatever" add something more concrete like "We got a job to do." Ok, I know that sucks but I can't think of anything right now.  Just more formal is the point I'm trying to make in a few areas.  Lee was my favorite because he was the mute sidekick who kicked ass and that notebook of his was very funny at times.  

Quirks: Plenty of good quirks throughout.  I laughed out loud when you had Rick sitting down, and then suddenly his chair moves up because Garret is working out.  Those scenes were great.  Mina's reappearance at the end though didn't really do it for me.  I knew she would come back at some point, but I was disappointed with what her final scene was.  BAM!

Overall I think this is easily your best piece yet.  There's an assload of typos and the format is off, but someone else probably explained that.  The pacing was great, the characters were all likeable and easily decipherable, solid job.  Any questions or anything feel free to let me know and sorry for taking so long :(