Psychogenesis by Jose L. Villanueva - Horror - Welcome to the nightmare world of Christian Stark. It is a world filled with corpses, murderers, monsters, blood and terror. His nightmare world is either on this side of hell or deep within it. Only one person knows and that person is Christian Stark himself. 91 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The script was a little "wordy" in places, but generally lean, which, as a reader, I appreciated.

While I usually don't comment on camera directions, I was, in this case, distracted by them. They were numerous and, in probably every instance,  unnesessary.

For example, you wrote

"he jumps up, grabs the gun, and peakes through the window." Then you write:

HIS POINT-OF-VIEW THROUGH CURTAINS.

Then, of course, you describe what he sees. It would, I think, read better if you cut the POV and replaced it with, "outside..."

In any case, you shouldn't  use camera direction in a spec script. It's not, according to everything I've read, acceptable.

Also,  your use of LATER.  I wonder, if for simplicities sake, you couldn't combine some of these. For example, the ones on page 24, creating an uninterrupted scene.

Sometimes you'd write things like, BACK TO THE FIELD. I wonder if, when moving from one location to another, a proper scene heading might be more appropriate.

I do, though, understand the nature of your story. This is just opinion. I hope others comment on this script. I'd like to hear what they think concerning this.  

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On to the actual story. I think a lot of people will like this. I, though, am still undecided. It's, imo, an interesting concept, but one that might work better as a short. As it is now, what you've got is a series of deaths/resurrections that get, after the third time,  kinda monotonous. I liked it, but I thought it was, maybe, over done.

Also, a couple of the lines were, I think,  cheesy... "He'll come get you... Get you... Get you..." Forgive the paraphrase.

Anyway, thanks for the interesting read.

Seth

  

Well, this was an odd script. Lots of twists and turns.

I liked Starks, I think he was a cool character. The black guy was cool too and the supernatural content of the story worked perfectly.

I personally had no problem with the time transitions like "LATER" and so--I use them sometimes.

As for the camera directions, I understand that you, as a writer, want the readers to see things exactly how you see them. But still, I think the way it should be pictured in one's head should be almost entirely left to the reader's imagination, specially considering this is not a shooting script, but a spec. script as the other poster said. It would be WAY more fun to read for them that way.

But this was an entertaining script al in all. I can't wait to read more of you (that is, only if you have an account here)

--Julio