Refuge by Brion Sinor (darthbrion) - Short, Horror - When an ordinary day becomes a nightmare, one family decides to try and find shelter in their basement. 33 pages - pdf, format 8)

Pg 2
     Voice
     (O.S.)

Should be

     Voice (O.S)

INT. HOUSE/LIVING. EVENING.

Should be INT. HOUSE/LIVING ROOM – EVENING

Pg 6. harry tries to find a new station, etc.” This is a run on sentence. Break it up

Pg Television is still on;ect” Break up the whole sentence

Pg 9. The sounds of foot steps on the stairway
Should read.
Foot steps come from stairway.

Harry spins around.

His frightened wife and son stand there.   Breaking things up like that for action/suspense reads and looks better.

I'll finish tommorow. I am liking what Im reading. Great job at decriptions and dialog, and pace so far.

Loose "we see"and reword it

Avoid the extra "son�" references

Pg  17 oh oh shit: reword, like harry opens his gun and there is only 6 sixs. He looks at the empy case. Then he says �shit� She says " what is it� �Only 6 bullets, left rest in shell case in another drawer� something like that. The rest goes without saying.

Pg 19. harry: Tiffany, baby where down here!� I think its suppose to be Mary
Pg: 20. Harry: who the hell in our house?� Don�t need this line, of course they are all wondering. All of harry�s dialog feels corny and not needed on page 20

The mom going crazy on pg21. and the son questions..its all clich�, change what happens there alil to make it different. I know its hard. I gotta help my 2 of my  own characters in T.K. not be clich�.

That part about going upstairs for a can opener�yea..uh.. falls flat

By page 24, your story could be over. Nothing has really changed but a lot of useless dialog. You  could cut about 4 pages out f them down stairs and wouldn't notice. So Tiffany returns, brings back action.

Pg 32. HARRY needs cap H


Hmm You really put me for a loss after they are down stairs. It was going to well, I felt for it. Then it went down hill. I couldnt feel the panic anymore. Dad really wanting a can opener, then HE has to stay and EVERYONE leaves him and he has the gun to them. he has no water or food he can eat. Then Mom 4gets she has a son and says " im taking my daughter out of here"  They you just end it there, them leaving the basement, anti-climaxed for a short horror. I think basement needs good rewrite to go along better with everything you wrote b4 they go down.

I would when the daughter comes, cause conflict cuz EVERY ONES knows if dead people are around eating people, they if you are bit, you are one of them. Make where in this case, once they get there, They let her in and harry wants to shot her and they wont let him. and chaos happens amoung them down there. in that way, maybe you dont turn once bitten or maybe so. It turns them against each other for a surprise ending.

I hope my tips help. feel free to ask fr advice with it.

hey thanks for the review!  I actually got stuck at the end and wasn't 100% sure how I wanted it to end.  

Thanks for catching all my typos and junk, I'm horrible at that sometimes.

I think with my rewrite I'll add more to it, maybe even start it off sooner and have the ending you suggested.

At any rate thanks for taking the time to read it, I appreciate it!

Quoted from darthbrion hey thanks for the review!  I actually got stuck at the end and wasn't 100% sure how I wanted it to end.   Thanks for catching all my typos and junk, I'm horrible at that sometimes. I think with my rewrite I'll add more to it, maybe even start it off sooner and have the ending you suggested. At any rate thanks for taking the time to read it, I appreciate it!

Welcome. Man my review has some weird shit in it and typos. I had meant Your story could have been over by 24, not yor s h ! t. Sorry I wrote that review in a hurry. G/f was waiting for me. I usaully type as i got in word and copy past over to review here. S thats why strange marks appear.

But yea. I really liked it, and could see what you were imagining. Just again to the down stairs part.  So yea good times my friends, et me know when you alter that part and Ill get to the review!