Milo by Mike Jones (mgj) - Anime - A down-on-his-luck freelance musician mouse (Milo) finds himself at the end of his rope after spoiling his one shot at making it to the big time.  After a chance run-in with his arch-rival, the infamous Johnny rat who has his own sights set on making it, Milo is drawn back into the cutthroat music scene.  The stage is set.  Will Milo ride destiny to fame?  Or will Johnny and his fellow rat-followers foil his one chance to become the big star he always knew he could be?  93 pages - doc, format 8)

I'm not a fan of Anime. I've nothing against it. It's just not something I'm drawn to. That said, I'm glad I stepped outside my usual interests and took a look at your script. I enjoyed it, throughly. It was a great read!

Still, I have a few comments...

pg. 13 "withdraws" should be brandishes, or something similar. Same prob on pg. 75

pg. 23  "BASSIST PLAYER"  is redundant. Either Bassist or Bass Player.

Pg. 52  This is a matter of opinion. For the most part, I like your style. It is, though, a tad wordy. For example, you wrote:  

"She uncrumples the sheet, studying it keenly now as she makes her way out into the main living area."

Again, just my opinion, but I think it would read better if a few, unnecessary words were cut.... She uncrumples the sheet, studying it, as she makes her way into the main living area.    

Pg. 58  He gyrates about, strumming away when Angel promptly cuts short his performance as she grabs a handful of whiskers and draws the rat up close to her.

The above, I think, would have a more dramatic effect if you didn't tell what Angle does, and the effect that it has, before she does it.

Pg. 69 Angle is able to retrieve Milo's guitar.....seemed a tad convient.

Pg. 70 I think it would be more effective if Angle's desire to be a musian was, at least, hinted at, eariler, in the script. You don't want to give it away, but a hint, something subtle. Otherwise it comes off as too convient.

Pg. 86 "Angel sits alone at the edge of the pier, staring out at the moon as a million thoughts race through her little mind."

I don't know if you're a regular on this board, but many will tell you that you shouldn't describe thoughts or feelings that can't be seen on screen. This is, generally, good advice. I, though, think, if used sparingly, it's okay. Even so, you might want to look through your script and ask yourself if such descriptives are really necessary to the story. If not, it might be best to cut 'em.

Moving on: I was a bit confused at the end of the story. It may be that I missed something. In any casy, I was surprised that Angle and Milo were separated at the end.  When did they part?

Seth

Thanks for your review Seth.  I know it's pretty quiet over here in animation.  

I did try to hint at Angel being a musician earlier on when she uncrumpled the music sheet and started reading it on her own.  At least that was my intention anyway.  Your point is well taken though.

Your point is also well taken about me being too wordy.  I guess this is an ongoing debate here, about how much is too much.  Personally I think a writer's personality should shine through in their work.  I agree though that I do go a little overboard at times.  Actually, you should see some of my earlier stuff.  I am getting better.

I guess it was convenient that she found his guitar.  I'm not sure how else to work it though.  If she wasn't able to find it then Milo never would have taken to the stage and won back the crowd.

I understand about your confusion with them being separated at the end.  Actually,  they never were officially an item at that point.  There may be a scene or two missing that could clarify this better.  Thanks for pointing it out.

And thanks again for your review.

Quoted from mgj Thanks for your review Seth.  I know it's pretty quiet over here in animation.   I did try to hint at Angel being a musician earlier on when she uncrumpled the music sheet and started reading it on her own.  At least that was my intention anyway.  Your point is well taken though.

Yep. Now I remember!

Quoted from mgj Your point is also well taken about me being too wordy.  I guess this is an ongoing debate here, about how much is too much.  Personally I think a writer's personality should shine through in their work.  I agree though that I do go a little overboard at times.  Actually, you should see some of my earlier stuff.  I am getting better.

I didn't think that you wrote too much. Like I said, I like your style. I just thought that there were, maybe, a few words, here and there, that could be removed without effecting the story or tone of the story. Actually, I prefer a more "wordy" script.  

Quoted from mgj I guess it was convenient that she found his guitar.  I'm not sure how else to work it though.  If she wasn't able to find it then Milo never would have taken to the stage and won back the crowd.

Yep, she definitely has to get her hands on the guitar. It's pivotal to the story. That said, I wonder if a scene -- after Milo's horrific performance -- could be added, with the rats gloating, strumming on Milo's real guitar. Angel could see this, realize what's happened, then, being the feisty mouse she is, wrestle it away from them.

This, I think, would be more dramatic  than the rats simply nodding their compliance.

Hope you don't mind my giving a suggestion. You're a better story teller than I am, so take it with a grain of salt.

Quoted from mgj I understand about your confusion with them being separated at the end.  Actually,  they never were officially an item at that point.  There may be a scene or two missing that could clarify this better.  Thanks for pointing it out. And thanks again for your review.

Thanks for great read.

Seth

Hey Seth.

That's definitely a valid suggestion to have Angel wrestle back Milo's guitar from the rats.  I think the reason I didn't write it in this way was because she already wrestled the guitar away from them once before so I didn't want to end up creating a duplicate scene.  She should probably have to jump through a few more hoops though.  I'll think about it.

I'm glad you brought up the point that Angel's desire to be a musician should be hinted at earlier.  For some reason I'm always afraid I'll telegraph things too obviously and I wind up holding back.  I think your initial reaction to this is very telling to me and probably accurate.

It's always good to get a fresh perspective so thanks again.

-Mike

Hey MGJ. I'm checking out another one of your scripts.

You know this is like the fourth script of yours I have read in the past six months. In that time I am about one third of the way through my script and the up hill battle to finish it is getting steeper with each page.

Do you have a stock pile of scripts or are you a very fast writer?

Anywho, I am enjoying this script. So far I have read 40 pages. It is a sweet little story.

The personality dynamics between the two main characters: Milo and Angel are very good. makes for an enjoyable read.

the timid quiet dreamer and the fiesty in your face survivor. Dynamic personality I find very important in a script, give it flavour and cause conflict.

Full mope-mode. That's so cool. Good description.

The sax playing beetle amd Milo seemed like a rehash, rip off form the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa meets Bleeding gums.

The chase scene involing the cat in the teahosue brought back great childhood memories for me of the Tom & Jerry cartoon. The last time I saw an episode of that cartoon must have been 15 years ago.

I love the tiny details such as the hobo stick and the cocktail umbrella to protect the mice from the rain. nice touch.

So in the first 40 pages you have established Milo with a dream and ambitions to be a professinal entertainer and you have the mosue town over run by bad arse rats. I will keep reading to see how it all pans out for Milo our little mouse hero.

will post a second review when I finsh the script.  

Hey Tonka.  Don't worry, I know I owe you a read or two.

I'm not quite that fast.  The False Road is one I dug out of the pile.

I guess the blind street musician beetle does resemble Bleeding Gums.  I think the old jazz man persona has been around for a while though.

You're right about the chase scene being an homage to Tom and Jerry.  Good on you for pointing that out.  You must be over 30.  Personally that's all I watched growing up.  That and Merry Melodies of course.

The real inspiration for this came from an old cartoon I once saw called The Devil and Daniel Mouse.  It was, of course, based on Benet's short story but it centered around these two struggling folk singer mice.  One of them makes a deal with the devil and finds fame and fortune at the cost of her soul.  Different story but the characters left a warm impression on me.

Okay I am now reading the second half of your story. I will type as I read.

So the conflict towards the rats/mice Johnny/Milo is escalating. The story slows down a bit in the middle. But that's okay because it is clear that the plot is working overtime setting everything up for a show down.

I like the scene where a human is complaining about the carnival becoming over run with rats and sweep at them with broom. First reaction from me is uh-oh, I wonder if the ending will involve animal soceity swept into chaos when human call in pest control to start an attack on rat. That is how I see it as foreshadowing but thena again I have an over active imagination. Will have to keep reading to see what happens.

I really dig the whole burnt out muscian angle you got going with Milo. very nice and makes his character all the more interesting,

Good to see the scene where the two rats assualt Milo and Angel and do the guitar switch. Straight off you can tell this is going to cause our hero grief. Keep chucking those spanners into the works with your story. very important as it creates solid drama and excitement. Don't be afraid to kick the hero of your story and than kick him some more while he is down.

Bingo a perfect climax for this story.  Guitar duel! Human gas bomb! A final struggle between Johnny and Milo. Your third act is very good. I'm glad you had the extermination just I had guessed from the foeshadowing. Your little hint got my mind working and hoping and then you delivered. My only small complaint is that your ending should of been more explosive, more action, more frantic.

But all in all a very entertaining story. The plot was very good and this time it was solid and on track all the way through. I went back and looked at review I did for you other anime (charge of the rodents) and noticed I comment on how the story was solid but fell apart by act 3 and the ending felt tacked on.

Well this story has no plot faults that i can see and is tight.

maybe you could just raise the action and mayhem a wee bit more.

Thank you for sharing your script. look forward to more.  

I did wonder about upping the tension a little at the end.  My uncertainty may have caused me to hold back a bit.  It may be out of character for Milo to turn into some sort of action hero all of a sudden but I'm sure that's not what you were suggesting.   Maybe if he used his cunning somehow.  I trust your judgement so I'll definitely think about expanding on it or reworking it somehow.

I did focus more on the overall storyline this time around.  Glad you noticed.

Thanks for your review.

hehe Milo the action hero.

no that's not what I am suggesting. more of a pacing issue. I'm not sure if you are an animation fan but I highly recommed you get your hands on some Hayo Miyazaki films. His stuff is amazing. The films start out gentle and slow and snow ball  to a big blow out hectic action packed climax. Great stuff.  The movies worth looking at are Kiki's Delivery Service. My Neighbour Totoro, Spirited Away & Howl's moving castle.

Your local rental video store should have them.

What I usually do to help hone my writing craft is read a "how to write a script book" than go watch my DVD's and study the plot, pacing, theme etc etc etc. I am still trying to get my head around raising the stakes. That's a tough one that I find difficult.

I've just discovered Miyazaki recently.  Spirited Away is a great film in alot of ways.  The attention to detail in particular is impressive.  I haven't seen the others yet.  I just might have to put them on my 'to see' list.

Just so you know I'm reading...

Normally, I'd be inclined to read The False Road seeing as I'm much more familiar with the Thriller genre but for once, I decided to try something completely new with Anime (the only genre I haven't read thus far). So far, I'm enjoying this very much. It's interesting and refreshing to see human personalities in animals and to read something that's not so grounded in the logical world.

Anyway, a few notes to hold you over...

pg. 10 – “...grumbles an epitaph...” Am I to under Milo utters a series of words to be etched on his tombstone? Not a big deal but this phrase just seemed particularly odd to me. Personally, I’d rephrase it.

pg. 12 – “Milo quickly finds himself doing a little soul searching.” Lose this line all together. It can’t be seen on screen.

- It seems like Angel has more street smarts than Milo. I’d think she’d know what a mousetrap is. That’s the impression I got anyway. Maybe if Angel knew it was a trap and made an attempt to grab the cheese anyway, thereby springing the trap, and, perhaps, being subsequently saved by Milo. Or not. Just a thought.

- I think its odd that Milo is giving up his dreams at the beginning of the script. Usually, it isn’t until midway through stories of this nature when characters begin to lose hope. I think it works much better this way. In your first act, you’re trying to introduce your characters and here, you’re having your character go through a drastic change before we really get to know him. I strongly suggest you change this.

More later...

Thanks for your review so far James.  For some reason I thought epitaph referred to a swear or curse word.  I guess that would be confusing.  He definitely was not uttering words to be etched onto a tombstone.  I checked the dictionary and it appears the word I wanted was epithet.

You make a good point that Angel should know what a mouse trap is.  As well, your suggestion to have her spring the trap on her own, with Milo subsequently coming to her aid, makes some sense.  I'll definitely think about it.

I'm gonna have to disagree with you that I shouldn't open with Milo already down on his luck, ready to give up on his dreams.  Actually, I think that by seeing him struggle, it reveals a great deal about who he is and his character.  Plus I like the idea of jumping right into things.

Actually, he only thinks he's reached the bottom of the barrel.  He still has a little further to fall before he can pick himself up and realize his dreams.  I'll be interested to know if you still feel the same way after finishing the script and seeing how everything plays out.  Either way though you brought up a point I hadn't considered so thanks for that.  It's always good to get a different perspective and have things to mull over.

-Mike

Well, I'm finally done...

pg. 31 - Angel is spelled Angle. Fix this.

- It takes too long for Milo to find out he's being talked about. This and the Johnny Rat encounter should take place earlier in the story.

pg. 69 - "You're guitar..." You mean "your."

- I think Milo changes his spirits too quickly. Angel reveals that she herself is a musician but doesn't say much to inspire him. I think this conversation needs something more.

- There doesn't seem to be anything leading up to Milo marrying Angel. Not much is revealed about her character until the end. One can only assume they'll end up together. There's not much logic there.

- I'd lose the DISSOLVES. Not saying this because it's frowned upon in script writing, I'm saying it because I don't think it'd look right animated.

I think the story is solid but starts a bit too late and escalates a bit too quickly. I think if the Johnny Rat encounter happened earlier, you'd have the time to need to fill the second and third act with more interesting stuff.

Aside from the story, I mean you could use some more character development as well. Milo's character has a good basis but I'd say he's too inconsistent. I understand you'd like him to start down on his luck but he swings too much between that and being excited. Also, I think this "follow your heart" stuff needs more of an explanation. Maybe if you had some stuff on how Milo got into the music business, there'd be more of an understanding on why he is so passionate about music. I think Angel needs a lot more development as well. There's barely anything revealed about her throughout the story. I think if her and Milo took some more time to explore her past, the ending would make more sense as well. I'd say Lou should be greater developed as well. Otherwise, lose him. He seems too much like subterfuge at this point.

All in all, I think your story is fresh, entertaining, and has a good basis but there's a lot you can do at this point to make it stronger. Good job and good luck with any rewriting you might decide to do.

Thanks James.  I do plan to revist this one eventually.  From what I can gather, it seems the characters could be fleshed out a little more for you.  I think certain aspects of their personalities are well-defined but there may be gaps here that need filling in.  I think that may be what you were having trouble with.

Quoted from James McClung - I think Milo changes his spirits too quickly. Angel reveals that she herself is a musician but doesn't say much to inspire him. I think this conversation needs something more.

That was a pretty big turning point so I can see what you mean.  

Quoted from James McClung Milo's character has a good basis but I'd say he's too inconsistent. I understand you'd like him to start down on his luck but he swings too much between that and being excited.

Hmm - I guess Milo could be bi-polar.  I'm not dismising your point.  When you're passionate about something, as Milo is, it's easy to get discouraged.  That's the whole thing with him - he gets down and then he picks himself up.  Maybe, as you say, some more background info on how he got into the music business might be helpful here.  Maybe this would complete the puzzle, make more sense of his actions.

This goes for Angel too.  I'll try to give her more of a backstory.  I did attempt for this somewhat initially but it became a bit tricky as I had to make sure to conceal her musical ambitions.


Thanks again.

Hey Mike,

First off I'm not much of a cartoon guy, but I did like monster house though so there are always a few exceptions.

I did think this was a fun story though and I did like it, so coming from guy who really doesn't care much for these kind of films that's probably the biggest complement I could give.

I liked the bit with the juggling millipede , I think when she gets debris chucked at her it be funny if they they were chucking like fruits and vegetables like in them old timey cartoons, maybe a beer can or something cause I think debris is too vague.

I think I would do more with the Kingpin's entrance in the beginning, maybe show more of his personality up front, you could have him make fun of the roaches that got turned away or something.

I also think it would be funny if the stage hand badger guy was more rough around the edges, like a cigar always in his mouth and he could be hacking and coughing all the time.

In the bar scene you have Johnny rat say "Well, don’t feel bad.  Most people don’t have it in ’em."

since Milo is a mouse maybe he could change "people" with "mice"

I liked Snitch and Snatch, they were pretty funny.

I think Milo goes from giving up to going for it a little to easy, I think there needs to be a little more there to have him get his confidence back up.

Maybe you could hint a little that Angel is also a musician cause it seems to come out of nowhere.  You don't have to make it obvious, but a little hint would help I think.

All in all I thought this was a cute story.  I think the characters could be punched up a bit.  I thought Milo was fine till he started going back and forth a bit at the end, but I liked his final confrontation with Johnny rat.

Johnny rat was a good villain though and I liked what you did with him, same with snitch and snatch.  But I also think a lot of the supporting characters felt flat, you could just do little things to punch them up, it could be as simple as the types of clothes they were, if they have accents, little mannerisms they have, stuff like that.

I liked the story, it was fun and you had an exciting climax.  Good work :)

Thanks for the review TBWCF.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I did think this was a fun story though and I did like it, so coming from guy who really doesn't care much for these kind of films that's probably the biggest complement I could give.

I'll definitely take that as a compliment.  I was actually glad you decided to review this.  It's good to get a fresh perspective from someone outside of the genre.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I also think it would be funny if the stage hand badger guy was more rough around the edges, like a cigar always in his mouth and he could be hacking and coughing all the time.

Cigars are classic.  Right up there with getting hit in the groin.  This would also be in keeping with his character so I'll have to work it in.   Maybe he could blow smoke in Milo's face too or something.  Or accidently into Kingpin's.  Hey - this stuff writes itself.

Quoted from The boy who could fly In the bar scene you have Johnny rat say "Well, don’t feel bad.  Most people don’t have it in ’em." since Milo is a mouse maybe he could change "people" with "mice"

You're right.  Used as a noun,  the word 'people' does refer to human beings specifically.  Thanks for pointing that out.   :B

As someone who writes mostly animation that's a good thing to know.  Of course, logic is often sacrificed in the movies, especially animation and since I've bestowed human characteristics upon all of the critters in this story, this might still be permissable - I think.    

Quoted from The boy who could fly I think Milo goes from giving up to going for it a little to easy, I think there needs to be a little more there to have him get his confidence back up.

Both you and James brought this up.  I think the mere sight of Johnny rat performing on stage is what really set Milo off and motivated him to keep going.  Maybe there needs to be more of a trigger than this - I'm not sure - but I'll definitely try to play this up a bit more.

Quoted from The boy who could fly Maybe you could hint a little that Angel is also a musician cause it seems to come out of nowhere.  You don't have to make it obvious, but a little hint would help I think.

I think when I flesh out Angel's character a little better it'll become more apparent.  A little foreshadowing is always a good thing.

Quoted from The boy who could fly Johnny rat was a good villain though and I liked what you did with him, same with snitch and snatch.  But I also think a lot of the supporting characters felt flat, you could just do little things to punch them up, it could be as simple as the types of clothes they were, if they have accents, little mannerisms they have, stuff like that.

I'll definitely be focusing my attention towards fleshing out some of the other characters a little better.

Thanks again.

This was a nice little story with a good ending. Good Job.

SPOILERS AHEAD-------------------

The animals you used as main characters were definitely unique. It wasn’t the same old ones, like cats, dogs, deers or pigs.

By at least page 10-15 the inciting incident or catalyst should occur. The main character should have some kind of problem, desire, or need. The beginning of your first act is also really delayed also.

When Milo is confronted by Johnny Rat on page thirty something that is your catalyst. It gives Milo something to do and we meet the antagonist. When Milo meets Angel earlier that really isn’t your catalyst.

The beginning of the first act is when Johnny Rat finds out he is performing before Milo, that is almost twenty pages over due.

Maybe Snitch and Snatch’s personalities should differ, instead of being practically identical. But that was probably your intention, just a suggestion.

Maybe we could get more background on Angel wanting to be a musician long ago and Lou and Milo’s relationship.

And it might not be a bad idea to have some of the other characters pop back in the story a little more often.

Nice ending.

Your story structure seems to be missing something. Maybe more twists and turns, or a sense of a character really being in danger. Johnny Rat chasing Milo was good, when Milo’s guitar was switched that was also a good example, and the canisters. It’s just that I feel the script needs more dangerous spots like those. It sort of felt bland at times.

The story seemed to slow down in the middle sort of building up for the end.

Good Job on this one.

Good Luck.

Quoted from TAnthony By at least page 10-15 the inciting incident or catalyst should occur. The main character should have some kind of problem, desire, or need. The beginning of your first act is also really delayed also.

I think I did establish the need and desire part right off the bat with him getting kicked out of the club after his poor performance.  I wanted to establish Milo as a down on this luck musician.  You're right though that the catalyst is delayed.  I've been swinging back and forth on this one.  I've never been one to follow the rules but perhaps if Johnny rat made some sort of introduction earlier on then it might tie things together a little better when they do finally have their confrontation.

Quoted from TAnthony Maybe Snitch and Snatch’s personalities should differ, instead of being practically identical. But that was probably your intention, just a suggestion.

That was my intention but point well taken.  I am trying to flesh out the characters a little better so I'll let this one toil in the back of my mind.

Quoted from TAnthony Maybe we could get more background on Angel wanting to be a musician long ago and Lou and Milo’s relationship.

This is something alot of reviewers have brought up.  I've already included an earlier scene that hints at Angel's musical ambitions.  We'll see about Lou.  I think he is just a minor character though.  He's kind of like Yoda - he's there to dispense his wisdom but not really directly involved in any of the action.  I'll try to flesh out his background a bit better if I can.

Quoted from TAnthony Your story structure seems to be missing something. Maybe more twists and turns, or a sense of a character really being in danger. Johnny Rat chasing Milo was good, when Milo’s guitar was switched that was also a good example, and the canisters. It’s just that I feel the script needs more dangerous spots like those. It sort of felt bland at times.

I tend to be very restrained.  It's just my style.  That being said I can't use that as an excuse.  I definitely don't want to be bland.  I am planning to expand on Milo's final confrontation with Johnny rat.  That should be a start and we'll see from there.

Quoted from TAnthony Good Job on this one.

Thanks and thanks for the review.

Hey, sorry for late review. I just finished reading the story and the fellow replies to your story.

First, I will say I agree with alotf the feed back you are getting and not restate what has been said. Instead i going to point somethings out that have not been stated.

I'm assuming this is for kids. It is hard not to try and compare this story to the no a days pixar and animation fixs that come about. You have a great approach with unqiue setup and imagination. I feel it like where these days anmation needs alot of humor. You base story is good, but lacks alot of things to that make kids and adults laugh.

I would remove " Oh HELL" here is milo! theHell.

Now kids are not to far from adults in this next issues. If milo quits his dreams so early, why on earth is he still carrying around a guitar, which he doesn't want to play anymore??? I know later he states he doesn't know if eh was stop, but that is ong over due when his mentioned from earlier when he is dead set on quiting.

Any person who gives something up. It is tossed quickly. Which can easily be fixed by adding a line, like hs Dad or even Lou gave it to him, so he holds on to it for sentimental value.

i dont think Angel should be reffering to milo as "man" as you have her do. This removes the uniqueness of your world. All words need to be refferred to the rodent world terms.

pg 58 " Knew'" you mean new?

I dont buy the roach getting drink as one drink.

Also, I will have to re point this out. You can't have milo be doing his thing, then he looses to spirits. Just to go back to doing his thing, just to loose spits again, then get it back. needs to be ONE change.

on this note. you next main character Johnny rat (since this is a kid movie)

he needs to learn his lesson aswell. He is the same throughout. In kid Movies the tempory bully/bad learns his lesson.

Also, I dont like the milo leaves behind Johnny. We teach kids, to to forgive and make your enemy your friend. This is how I would have it end, which will solve two problems.

Right after the humans find the trap with the cape on it, flash back to milo come back out and tries hard riskin his life while Johnny whines about he trying to help. then once out, he doesn't necessary say thank you for saving him. Each go their on ways.

After Milo and Angel come about being together. They start playing together on that "street corner" where he used to play. People gather around cheering them on. And Johny's pose storlls up. his boys want to beat up milo. But Johnny intervennes and says like " No, that mouse is alright"  They watch on to milo and angel play out. AND Jut maybe, they invite Johnny to play again with them. Then total harmorny to the fade out.


Overall, It was good story. You put alot of thought and time into it and it showed well. I will tweak dialogue more, for each. To make more unique. Like even hadd accents and stuff to different characters. like more of the woods rodents talk kind of country. and city rats have slang.beetle specific accent that shows he has travelled and learned many of life's lessons.

Good luck with revision! hope this helps in any you agree with.

Hi JD_OK.  Thanks for the review.  It wasn't too late by the way and I like alot of your suggestions.  

Quoted from JD_OK Now kids are not to far from adults in this next issues. If milo quits his dreams so early, why on earth is he still carrying around a guitar, which he doesn't want to play anymore???

Basically the reason Milo keeps giving up is out of frustration.  Deep down he's a musician at heart.  It's his dream.  That's why he can't seem to walk away from it and why he still hangs onto his guitar.  

Quoted from JD_OK Any person who gives something up. It is tossed quickly. Which can easily be fixed by adding a line, like hs Dad or even Lou gave it to him, so he olds on to it for sentimental value.

Good idea.  Very simple but effective.  Thanks for that.

Quoted from JD_OK i dont think Angel should be referring to milo as "man" as you have her do. This removes the uniqueness of your world. All worlds need to be refferred to the rodent world terms.

It's street talk.  As you know most animals in cartoonland are infused with human characteristics but I see your point.  She could say 'mouse' instead of 'man' and still not lose her streetwise, tough-talkin' edge.  

Quoted from JD_OK Also, I will have to re point this out. You can't have milo be doing his thing, then he looses to spirits. Just to go back to doing his thing, just to loose spits again, then get it back. needs to be ONE change.

I guess Milo does seem like he flip-flops alot on this.  I based Milo alot on myself and my struggles as a writer.  There were many times I wanted to quit along the way (I still do occassionally) but, unlike alot of other things I've done, writing seems to stay with me.  It's in my blood, I guess.

You're not the first person to bring this up and to be honest I don't quite understand why.  Maybe I'm not conveying this clearly enough - I mustn't be - but shouldn't our hero face many obstacles along the way - get knocked down, pick himself back up only to be knocked down again?  That's reality - my reality anyway.

Quoted from JD_OK on this note. you next main character Johnny rat (since this is a kid movie) he needs to learn his lesson aswell. He is the same throughout. In kid Movies the tempory bully/bad learns his lesson.

I think he learns his lesson but too late.  You're right though - he's never reformed.  

Quoted from JD_OK Also, I dont like the milo leaves behind Johnny. We teach kids, to to forgive and make your enemy your friend. This is how I would have it end, which will solve to problems. Right after the humans find the trap with the cape on it, flash back to milo come back out and tries hard riskin his life while Johnny whines about he trying to help. then once out, he doesn't necessary say thank you for saving him. Each go their on ways. After Milo and Angel come about being together. They start playing together on that "street corner" where he used to play. People gather around cheering them on. And Johny's pose storlls up. he boys want to beat up milo. But Johnny intervennes and says like " No, that mouse is alright"  They watch on to milo and angel play out. AND Jut maybe, they invite Johnny to play again with them. They total harmorny to the fade out.

Those are good suggestions.  We'll see what happens.  I've already started on my revisions.

Thanks again.

First off, sorry for the mishap for taking so long to reply.

I'm reading through it a second time because I forgott alot of the stuff I was gonna tell you.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_SPOILERS-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

You should give more description on Milo's guitar.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Around the beginning, introducing Stage Manager, you put:

"A badger STAGE MANAGER peers out on stage from behind the curtain."

Personally I would have said:

"A badger peers out on stage from behind the curtain. This is STAGE MANAGER."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You never put the Ferret or the Emcee in all caps when you introduced them,

_________________________________________________________________________________

When Milo is introduced on stage, he's called Milo Mouse, If 'MOUSE' is a part of his title, it should be capitalized.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You need to capitalize Bouncer, Stage Managerm and Lemue, since that is their title.

A few others, but I won't point them out.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Later on, you put:

"An elderly paternal mouse-figure (LOU) stands nearby,"

The parenthasese are unnecessary, commas would suffice.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's 6:00 in the morning, so I'm gonna go to sleep, I'll finish this later today.

Quoted from Braksnen Around the beginning, introducing Stage Manager, you put: "A badger STAGE MANAGER peers out on stage from behind the curtain." Personally I would have said: "A badger peers out on stage from behind the curtain. This is STAGE MANAGER."

Wrong, this is correct way.

STAGE MANAGER, a badger,  peers out on stage from behind the curtain.

Quoted from JD_OK Wrong, this is correct way. STAGE MANAGER, a badger,  peers out on stage from behind the curtain.

I'm not sure Braksnen's way is necessarily wrong JD but yours is more economical so I can see where you're coming from.  There was this article once - I wish I still had the link - that talked about proper format in a spec script and how, if you follow them too religeously, can sometimes hinder the flow or personality of your writing.  

I'm not using this as an excuse - I'll probably change it to how you suggested anyway - just playing devil's advocate with you.  I often will deliberatly break the odd rule of formating here and there just to mix things up a bit and avoid repetition.  As well, because I'm a bit of a rebel too.

You kids don't try this at home.  

Quoted from mgj I'm not sure Braksnen's way is necessarily wrong JD but yours is more economical so I can see where you're coming from.  There was this article once - I wish I still had the link - that talked about proper format in a spec script and how, if you follow them too religeously, can sometimes hinder the flow or personality of your writing.   I'm not using this as an excuse - I'll probably change it to how you suggested anyway - just playing devil's advocate with you.  I often will deliberatly break the odd rule of formating here and there just to mix things up a bit and avoid repetition.  As well, because I'm a bit of a rebel too. You kids don't try this at home.

LOL, sounds good! You have great X-mas
And I see where you are coming from.

Merry Christmas, mgj. Your present is a review. This is by far one of my favorite scripts. I loved everything about it. It took me back to my childhood and got me to laugh especially the Angel character. i could vividly imagine everything. I was reading your previous comment about rules. And i agree with you. Rules are meant to be broken. Some but not all. Are you planning to do a sequel on this? I only ask since I recieved that tinge of it towards the ending. By far a touching script with humor and something for a family to watch. Good Job.

I appologize for the shortness of this review but hey I was completely spellbound by it.

Gabe  

Thanks Gabe and Merry christmas to you too.  I had fun writing it so I'm glad you liked it.  About the rules - you break them at your own risk.  That is, I guess, the best way to put it.  90% of the time I try to stick with them as best I can.

No, I'm not planning a sequel, which doesn't mean it'll never happen, just that  basically I view this as a complete story.  The ending is somewhat open-ended though - you're right.  It might be interesting to see what happens to Milo now that he's a big star.  How does he handle fame?

Maybe I should do a sequel.  Then I could complete my Rodent trilogy with this one and 'Rodent Brigade' (that sounds funny - rodent trilogy).  

I've done a few revisions to Milo BTW.  I might post the new draft at some point but it's basically the same, just added a few details and tighted up some spots based on the suggestions I've received from the people here.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley This is by far one of my favorite scripts. I loved everything about it. Gabe

This is one of my favorite scripts, too. Some may argue that it's over-written, and perhaps it is, but there are many ways to write a screenplay -- "Milo" is one 'em, and a damn good example.

That said, if you're looking for something that goes beyond "bare-bones," something that engages the reader, then read this script!

Unlike many of the scripts that are submitted to SS, this one includes a biginning, middle, and end. Its structure is solid.

Is it perfect? No. But it's as close as I've seen on this site.    

Seth

Thanks Seth.  Funny - my mom says the same thing.  

If you feel it engages the reader then I've done all that I can hope for.  As well, I'm glad you pointed out that it's not perfect.  All of the reviews I've gotten so far have been very helpful and, I should mention, I've incorporated many of the suggestions into my revision.  

Here's the second part of my revision.

-_-_-_-_SPOILERS-_-_-_-_

I just have to say, around when Milo met Angel, you made Angel have some sweet street skills while Milo stood dumb-founded. When they found the mouse trap, you reversed it, Milo knew a lot of that, while Angel, the one who knew the street skills before, was the one who stood dumb-founded.

----------
WEll, the rest of the script has some similar flaws as my first post, some introductions flaws, etc.

I must say, I enjoyed the read. Mr. Ripley said that it took him back to his childhoood, that's true, but it can be mistaken in differend ways. Fro me, it made m feel like a 6 YO again, eagerly awaiting the happy ending. In the happs that this had been made into a full feature film, I'd be with my nefew, watching it, just as excited.  I guess that concludes my revision of the script.

One last thing, This IS in the annimation section, but I was just wondering what kind of animation. There's a bunch of different kinds of animation,

Anime - Japanese animation
Cartoon - Regular SpongeBob Square Pants animation
3D Graphic design - Nightmare Before Christmas (clay, wood, even lego)
CGI (Computor Generated Images) - computor animation
ETC.....

which is it?

Thanks Braksnen.  This story is inspired by the cartoons I watched growing up so I'm not surprised that it brought you back to your childhood.

You brought up a point James mentioned in his review about Angel, being a streetwise mouse, not knowing what a mousetrap was, yet Milo, our timid little hero, was aware.  I can understand where both of you are coming from but I sort of view Angel as someone who, despite having been around the block a few times, carried a tough facade to hide her insecurities.  This is their first meeting.  I needed to find a way for Milo to endear himself upon her.   Since both of you brought this up independantly though... Maybe I'll have to think about it a little more.  Or perhaps someone else out there might offer a different opinion.  We'll see.

To answer your question - I view this as a traditional hand-drawn animation.  I think Japanese animation or Anime would be the best fit for it.  I'm a big fan of stop-motion (3-D) animation but that, along with CGI seem to have their own styles that they lend themselves towards.  As for Sponge Bob... don't get me started on him.  He belongs with Jar-Jar Binks and Scrappy-Doo in Cartoon H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.

Thanks again.

Quoted from mgj You brought up a point James mentioned in his review about Angel, being a streetwise mouse, not knowing what a mousetrap was, yet Milo, our timid little hero, was aware.  I can understand where both of you are coming from but I sort of view Angel as someone who, despite having been around the block a few times, carried a tough facade to hide her insecurities.  This is their first meeting.  I needed to find a way for Milo to endear himself upon her.   Since both of you brought this up independantly though... Maybe I'll have to think about it a little more.  Or perhaps someone else out there might offer a different opinion.  We'll see.

What I was thinking, was maybe just keep the scene, an the only thing you change is who says what.

Quoted from mgj As for Sponge Bob... don't get me started on him.  He belongs with Jar-Jar Binks and Scrappy-Doo in Cartoon H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.

This comment has given me more respect for you.

Quoted from Braksnen What I was thinking, was maybe just keep the scene, an the only thing you change is who says what.

That could work.  I should mention that this was the first scene I wrote.  That whole exchange between the two of them, especially when she tells him he's pretty smart and then quips 'Don't let it go to your head' - that to me was a pitch-perfect moment and really sets the tone for the rest of the story.  I feel like I might lose that elusive chemistry if I change anything so I'm hesitant to do so but we'll see.

Quoted from Braksnen This comment has given me more respect for you.

There aren't many things in life that can transend different cultures and bring people together.  Jar-Jar is one of them.

Mike,

Is this a new draft?

This is a new draft Seth.  Not alot has changed though; mostly just tweaking.  The first half is basically untouched.  Most of the changes come in the middle section and at the very end.

Just briefly:

* I added a scene where Milo is challenged to a duel by Johnny rat.  As I had it originally they were just billed to perform on the same night.  

* As per your suggestion I hinted a little stronger at Angel's musical ambitions.

* Credit here to JD_OK - I included a monologue where Milo explains why he still hangs onto his guitar even though he's given up on being a musician.  

* As well, I know the ending confused you a little bit in regards with Milo and Angel's seperation.  I added a reunion scene at the bar where they officially get hitched.

That's basically it.  There are other changes too but, like it said, it's mostly just tweaking.  

Quoted from mgj That's basically it.  There are other changes too but, like it said, it's mostly just tweaking.

hey you still need to clean up the writing bro! It will help, trust me! I been real busy and I hopefully  can have rest of review completed tomorrow if not def by wenday late night (central time)

Quoted from JD_OK Hey you still need to clean up the writing bro! It will help, trust me! (central time)

I know I tend to be wordy with my writing.  If you could list an example or two of what I'm doing wrong that would be great.

BTW I'll have your review up soon.

Quoted from mgj I know I tend to be wordy with my writing.  If you could list an example or two of what I'm doing wrong that would be great. BTW I'll have your review up soon.

Sounds good! I think I gave the examples on my previous comments... if i didnt... I will!

Hi Mike,

I just want to say, again, how much I admire the way you write. Each word flows into the next with a kind of grace -- making for a great read.

I know, previously, I commented that you were a tad wordy in places, but different writers have different styles. That said, I think you should continue doing what you do.

Seth

  

avoid the use, suddenly, again, now and still. Actions occur in he order you write them. those words r unecessary.

pg 32 is where your act ends and act two begins. this needs to occur by or on page 25.

Milo old world is gone, and new one starts. The treat of Johnny Rat.

Structure is slightly off. But so far i havent noticed any changes...


Loose the agains, without warnings,suddenly, begins,. Stuff like that takes up unecessary space..... action occurs in the order you place it
pg 39 Angel is peering outside through a seam." this is a PASSIVE sentence. needs to be active. ie "Angel  peersoutside through a seam."

I like your reason about the guitar. works and believable.


Things like this have no place in a script. It does nothing but call for a shot which a director will do. also eave out dusk.. day and night only

EXT   PIER � DUSK

Night falls on Coney Island.  The setting sun tinges the structures and monuments in a strangely surreal orange hue.


I would also work on given each character uniqueness

pg 57The first one (SNITCH) nudges the other (SNATCH) and nods discreetly." why are they in ().... need description or more then just a rat...what makes them different since they play a part in the story

pg 66 I seen you changed it to snatch instead of female rat from b4. I think female roach accompliss worked better for seducing him to drink
69.
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Johnny, huh?

Since it is Angel, says it angel.

93, fade out on wrong side and, I like this ending better then b4, but i think it runs alil long, could be cut shorter with the dialogue.

Since nothing majorly changed my opinions from previous stand. However this did make better. You still need to tighten your descriptions and loose the things that cant be filmed.  Good luck buddy on your revision!

Thanks JD.  I know not alot has changed.  I did cut out a bit of exposition in the middle section where I thought it lagged a little.  

I'm glad you liked the guitar bit.    The ending probably does drag on a little.  It's a work in process so we'll see.  As well, I'll try to tighten up my descriptiosn a bit.  



Seth - thanks for the comments.  It's a fair to say that I can be wordy or longwinded on occasion.  I do like my style though but styles evolve and change with time.  If I can add to my own then all the better.

Hey mgj, I had time to read this now so:

SPOILERS!
I can't recall from the past scripts but this flows much more better. Eventhough there are some instances where you tell rather than show, I see no difference since you narrate the story very well. Just some stuff i caught:

The scene where Milo meets Angel in the teahouse loses its tension too easily. Rather than say he is no threat, show it to us. You don't have to do much in order to accomplish it, in my opinion. I think by deleting the sentence where she sizes Milo up, where she drops her weapon, and her dialgoue whicch starts off "you know", you pretty much accomplish that part. Don't forget also to add bit description and/or parts in order to accomplish further.

what happened to the cheese after the mouse trap snaps? I think you should add that she is eating the cheese in order to make the friendship more strong between angel and milo.

Gabe (more to come)


  

Thanks so far Gabe.  No, not a great deal has changed.  Most of it occurs in the middle section and at the very end.  I did trim down some of my descriptions as well - something I'm still doing.  

Good point about Angel's first encounter with Milo.  Funny - I did originally write in a scene where they snuck off to some cafe together and munched on the cheese, along with a few bread crumbs that fell off the table.  The whole episode got a little side-tracked as Milo fell into a glass of wine and got drunk.

Read a couple more pages:

SPOILERS!

For the banners, I suggest you write them within the description sentence. It says space which can be use for other additions that you might have in mind.

The scene with Lou, I think some of the dialgoue can be shown as well such as when Lou tells how he was a musician himself. Put some pictures that might start this up.

Gabe

more review to come.

Just to touch on a couple of your points:

I really wanted to keep this at around the 90 page mark.  I guess that's why Lou seems so underdeveloped.  I had this idea to have him live in a crevasse at the back of a music store.  It was all worked out: the store owner would have captured him and put him in a cage.  Then one day while fiddling with an instrument he notices that the little rodent responds to the musical beats he was playing.  Eventually he teaches it to perform an entire song with him.  This would be how Lou honed his craft as a musician, kind of though osmosis.

It's basically a backstory though and not directly tied to the plot.  That's why I decided to scrap it.  We'll see though.  Definitely food for thought.

And yeah, Mike is fine.  I know you're busy so take your time with the rest of the review.  Just let me know if you want me to take a look at anything of yours.

i think this was a great read. the plot was good i liked the characters the events the whole thing was awasome:)

Thanks Jane12.  It's always good to get feedback.  This script seems to have struck a chord with people - some people anyway.  Glad you liked it.  As well, if there's anything about it you didn't like or felt could be improved upon, don't hesitate to share your thoughts.

-Mike

Hey, mgj

i finally got this script done. I really enjoyed it. Nothing much changed. But I've come up with some possible ideas for you to ponder about.

The scene where Mile and Angel have to escape and they see a mouse die. I think you should have it that they try to save the mouse. You saved Johnny's so save the innocent mouse.

The scene where Johnny is trapped by his cape. I think it's too simply to get away. The fact that his mad why dont you leave a torn foot. lol.

Angel's dream in the music business i think came out of no where. felt as if you put it in there so you could move the story along.  you should start to develop that b.g. when both meet each other.

When Milo is going to sign and asks about Angel. once kingpin gives the response, why not just end the scene there with Angel's scream and continue off. I thought that was kinda of mean after knowing angel that he would still make the attempt to sign.  

So these are kinda of some thoughts for u to mull over. Hope it helps. Wish u luck in the competitions and inform me quickly if u get picked up. Ill be the first one to watch the film.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The scene where Mile and Angel have to escape and they see a mouse die. I think you should have it that they try to save the mouse. You saved Johnny's so save the innocent mouse.

I can see where you're coming from, this being a kid's story and all.  I don't want to sugar-coat this too much though.  Toxic gas is deadly - it would be pretty unrealistic if none of the rodents died.  

BTW have you ever seen Watership Down?  That's pretty intense for a cartoon - there's blood and brutality you wouldn't normally see in a live action movie.

I do see your point though.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The scene where Johnny is trapped by his cape. I think it's too simply to get away. The fact that his mad why dont you leave a torn foot. lol.

A torn foot.  Now that's just plain mean.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Angel's dream in the music business i think came out of no where. felt as if you put it in there so you could move the story along.  you should start to develop that b.g. when both meet each other.

I did try to rectify this when I had Milo catch Angel toiling away on the piano keys.  Still a little too subtle maybe.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley When Milo is going to sign and asks about Angel. once kingpin gives the response, why not just end the scene there with Angel's scream and continue off. I thought that was kinda of mean after knowing angel that he would still make the attempt to sign.

Well, he was quite torn if you'll recall.  Just as he was about to sign the contract fate stepped in and prevented him from making a terrible mistake.  Sometimes we do things in the heat of the moment that we later regret.


Thanks again Gabe.  I always like it when a reviewer offers up suggestions.  I did enter this in a few competions.  We'll see how it goes.  As for it getting picked up - well, I'm not holding my breath.  BTW I'm pretty sure I'd be the first in line to see it.  Lol.

For the dying mouse. Since they see him, I imagined that they were close to him enought to save his life. You can have mouses die just that if they had the chance to save him, take it. Don't just let them glance at a mouse dying  four steps away and then run off. That was my point.

For the torn foot...hehehe. that is mean. lol

In regards to Angel's back stroy, Looking back at it now on my memory. I do actually see some other subtle items I missed. I appologize for that comment.

For the contract, Angel had given Milo hope and encouragement. Milo helped her as well. So their relationship is strong. Even when, he asked kingpin about her I thought that just strengthened it. But I think this is all the disney movies Ive watched when I was young that is talking now. lol.

Now in regards for the possibility of being made into a movie...I'll be second then. but no more. lol.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley For the dying mouse. Since they see him, I imagined that they were close to him enought to save his life. You can have mouses die just that if they had the chance to save him, take it. Don't just let them glance at a mouse dying  four steps away and then run off. That was my point.

I do see your point.  I won't quibble too much over it, just to say that I guess if Bambi's mother can die, then by god I'm gonna kill a mouse or two.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley For the contract, Angel had given Milo hope and encouragement. Milo helped her as well. So their relationship is strong. Even when, he asked kingpin about her I thought that just strengthened it. But I think this is all the disney movies Ive watched when I was young that is talking now. lol.

Actually I think we're on the same page here, more or less.  Milo didn't want to sign - that's why he hesitated.  I was just trying to create a little tension - sort of a 'will he or won't he' kind of thing.  

i did'nt get the cat attack part but everything else was great

Yeah, I guess tha cat did come out of nowhere.  I threw him in more for fun than anything else.  I think I may have watched one too many Tom and Jerry cartoons growing up.   :)

I'm a little behind where I want to be in terms of the review lottery with the new job and all, but I was finally able to get around to this.

I have no idea if there's any certain format or whatever that should be followed when writing Animation, so I'm not even going to bother commenting on anything of that nature as I read along...This will be all about the story.

In the opening scene, where Milo plays and it doesn't go over to well, I think you could pile on a little bit more.  Nobody likes the melancholy stuff, but he could take a crack at something a little more up tempo and end up snapping a guitar string.  Same effect at the end, but just a little more oomph to add to his "mope-walk".  It's fine as it is though.

I think you've done a good job of introducing Milo to Angel, having them go through everything with the cat, and developing a little bit of kinship in that short amount of time.  I thought the pacing worked well, and you cut it at just the right time.

I liked the description of Milo getting caught and then ending up back at the scavenger bar, and then the spider flinging drinks with all of his arms.  It's stuff like this that really belongs in animation scripts, and it works really well.

I think the description of the type of music Milo is playign would help a bit.  I'm assuming it's something more upbeat since his slower stuff didn't go over too well, but calling it out would allow for a better visual in the mind's eye.

Angel "smashing" the rat over the head with the guitar implies that it would be broken into pieces, but you have Milo picking it up and running along with it.

Good use of the cuts back and forth between Johnny and Milo to drive home that the showdown is about ego vs. perserverance.

A nice touch with the ensuing pandemonium after Milo's performance.  Almost out of the woods, but not quite yet.

Everything ended nicely, but what happened to Johnny.  You have him getting stuck in the trap and conceding his fate, but then later when the humans are at the building, one guy sees a small piece of torn fabric in the trap.  Reading this, I'd think that either Milo helped him, which doesn't seem to fit, or he managed to escape and you have plans for a sequel.  

If neither is true and something is just missing,  then it really needs to be fixed since it's a huge hole.

Overall, I really enjoyed this.  You had a good, well rounded set of characters, and the pacing and structure were great.  This is right on par with the types of animated films being put out now, where kids will love the visuals, but adults don't find the story ho-hum and can relate to it.

Good job, Mike.

Thanks for giving this a look Mike.

I'm not sure either if there is any special format to follow with animation.  I just wrote this as I would any other script.

I know I didn't go into too much detail describing the type of music he was playing.  I had envisioned Milo as a sort of Bob Dylan beatnik type who sang as well.  I don't compose music myself so I just settled on having him play the guitar.  Ideally I'd love to see what some musician could do with this (as long as it wasn't Justin Timberlake).

I see what you mean about smashing the guitar over someone's head.  It probably would break into bits.  I just couldn't resist.  It would feel like an opportunity missed if I didn't include it.  I'll think more about it.  Maybe I can get away with it; I'm not sure.

As for what happened to Johnny at the very end - that's something I may need to rework.  I know it's a little vague.  Killing him just seemed a little heavy-handed.  

It wasn't my intention to imply that Milo went back to rescue him, nor was I intending to set this up for a sequel either.  Just simply to add a little mystery, get people thinking.

I'm glad you didn't perceive this as strictly for kid's.  As well, I'm glade the pacing work for you.  I know I have a tendancy to be too methodical with my writing, overthink things.  I really made a conscious effort with this one to just jump right in and see what happens.

Thanks again.

I really enjoyed reading this Mike. I loved the animal world you created.  I thought the characters were quite well drawn, you knew and told your story well and the pacing was fantastic.  The climax was one of the best I have read on SS.

Obviously I don't have a tremendous amount of comments and what I do have to say is nit picky but here goes.

The thing that bothered me the most was that you called them guitar chords.   I think it would be much better if you called them strings because chords has more than one meaning for a guitar and it was confusing.

Next was the people.  I know they play an important part of the story but everytime there was human dialogue, you lost me.  I think you should underplay them a bit more - I would say get rid of them entirely but that would affect the story too much.

I was a bit confused with the teahouse at the begining, I kept thinking we were in Japan.

I thought Angel's piano talent needed to be foreshadowed a bit more.  I got an inkling of it from the scene at Milo's crash pad but not enough.

Here's a few typos I found.

You’re table sir.
Your table sir.

The humans use it to catch mice
The humans use it to catch us (maybe)

elderly paternal mouse-figure
elderly mouse paternal-figure

Eat rat poisoning creep!
Eat rat poison creep!

hounding me ever
hounding me every

That's it.  Well done. Best of luck with this script.

Thanks for the review mcornetto.  

Quoted from mcornetto I really enjoyed reading this Mike. I loved the animal world you created.  I thought the characters were quite well drawn, you knew and told your story well and the pacing was fantastic.  The climax was one of the best I have read on SS.

That's very nice.  Glad you liked it.  

Quoted from mcornetto The thing that bothered me the most was that you called them guitar chords.   I think it would be much better if you called them strings because chords has more than one meaning for a guitar and it was confusing.

Good point.  Chords are a series of notes.  Strings are something different.  I'll change it.

Quoted from mcornetto Next was the people.  I know they play an important part of the story but everytime there was human dialogue, you lost me.  I think you should underplay them a bit more - I would say get rid of them entirely but that would affect the story too much.

I do see what you mean.  Most if not virtually all of this story takes place at gutter-level, from the rodent's perspective.  Introducing human's does take you out of the story (or setting anyway).  I remember in those old Tom and Jerry cartoons they'd never show any of the humans above the waist.  The perspective was always maintained at ground level.  I envisioned something similar here. Maybe I should just do a V.O. - have them speak off camera.   That might create a similar effect.

Quoted from mcornetto I was a bit confused with the teahouse at the begining, I kept thinking we were in Japan.

Yeah, I just kinda figured I could get away with it.  Being that New York is a melting pot, I figured a tea-house might not be so unheard of in Coney Island.  Of course, I could be wrong.

Quoted from mcornetto I thought Angel's piano talent needed to be foreshadowed a bit more.  I got an inkling of it from the scene at Milo's crash pad but not enough.

Virtually everyone has mentioned this.  I have tweaked the scene but I'll consider doing more.

Quoted from mcornetto That's it.  Well done. Best of luck with this script.

Thanks again.

-Mike

Seth has told me on more than one occasion to look this one over, and I have glanced at the comments enough to know that response has been pretty positive.  Like several readers before me, I open with the caveat that these types of stories are not really my bag.  But cheers to you for writing them.

I think a few stray episodes of Banana Chan is the only time I have ever perused this board, but I am glad I returned for a look at this one.  It draws you in quickly, and I found that knowing this was envisioned as a cartoon somehow encouraged me to imagine the fanciful images and characters even more than usual.

*  You do not have periods after INT or EXT.  Surely somebody has brought that to your attention by now. And at least half your parentheticals can go.  Probably more than that.
*  The Kingpin is "pimpish"?  Ha.  Is that even a real adjective?  I guess it is now.  Seems like he ought to have a dame on his arm, though.
*  The rivalry between Johnny Rat and Milo builds well.  The whole bar scene is pretty good.  Especially the spider bartender.  That is another one that is fun to visualize.
*  The black-eye thug mouse has enough lines that he needs a real name.  It is confusing when his dialogue is just "mouse".  I mean, they are all mice.
*  Snitch and Snatch cave to Angle pretty quickly in the bar about the guitar.  She should have, like, a baseball bat or something.  Or whatever it is that mice carry.
*  When the trap springs and catches Johnny’s cape -- well, I was unaware that Johnny had a cape.  If you set that up before, I missed it.  You need to make that more prominent.  If you neglected to mention it, go back and do it somewhere.  You have a good payoff that you forgot to set up.

Speaking broadly now, I have two comments on the story itself.

One thing I found kind of odd was the Angel and Milo never fight.  They get along for the entire story, and there is never any friction in their relationship.  They should have a disagreement at some point, and go their separate ways, if only temporarily.  Of course they will end up together, but you need to make them work for it a little harder to give it more meaning.  The piano playing is a nice surprise, and perhaps that aspect of her character is what can bring them back together when things seem darkest for Milo.

I also have to say that I was not very fond of Lou.  His character is only there for exposition, and it shows.  The story drags when he is around.  There is really no reason that Milo cannot live in that bumper car by himself, abandoning it when he leaves, and returning to it later.  The space you save by using Lou would be better devoted to the aforementioned friction in the relationship between Angel and Milo.

If you feel that exposition is vital -- and I would disagree to a point -- why not have the piano roach give it at some point?  There seems to be some history between him and Milo already built into the story.

But otherwise, I have to say that Johnny Rat is a wonderful antagonist, and was the star of the story for me.  He overshadowed Milo whenever he was around, but that is fine.  The story builds at a good pace, and we look forward to the inevitable showdown.  The final climax, with mice and rats working together, sends the right message.  I enjoyed this quite a bit, despite my nits.  There are always nits.

Thanks for giving this a look Bert.  I was curious to know what you thought.  I always like to know what others outside the genre think.  Often they can provide a unique insight.

Quoted from bert *  The Kingpin is "pimpish"?  Ha.  Is that even a real adjective?  I guess it is now.  Seems like he ought to have a dame on his arm, though.

I was wondering when someone would bring that up.  According to my spell-checker it's not a word but I think you can add 'ish' to any noun and turn it into an adjective.  I once saw a character described as bookish.  As well, you're right, he ought to have a dame or two on his arm.

Quoted from bert *  The black-eye thug mouse has enough lines that he needs a real name.  It is confusing when his dialogue is just "mouse".  I mean, they are all mice.

Good point.  I was never very good with names but I really ought to have come up with something.

Quoted from bert *  Snitch and Snatch cave to Angle pretty quickly in the bar about the guitar.  She should have, like, a baseball bat or something.  Or whatever it is that mice carry.

Yeah, you're right.  If she had a baseball bat, then she'd have to carry it with her throughout the whole story.  It's a possibility - or perhaps she could swipe a cello bow from the orchestra pit?

Quoted from bert *  When the trap springs and catches Johnny’s cape -- well, I was unaware that Johnny had a cape.  If you set that up before, I missed it.  You need to make that more prominent.  If you neglected to mention it, go back and do it somewhere.  You have a good payoff that you forgot to set up.

I believe all I wrote was that he was dramatically attired when I first introduced his character.  It makes sense though to mention the cape since it comes into play.

Quoted from bert One thing I found kind of odd was the Angel and Milo never fight.  They get along for the entire story, and there is never any friction in their relationship.

That's funny.  At one point I thought of doing a sequel and wrote about ten pages or so.  I had them breaking up so the scene itself is already written.  It shouldn't be too difficult to incorporate into the story - actually, when is anything ever easy in screenwriting?  Anyway, my point is that the scene does exist so it'll definitely give me something to consider.  

Quoted from bert I also have to say that I was not very fond of Lou.  His character is only there for exposition, and it shows.  The story drags when he is around.  There is really no reason that Milo cannot live in that bumper car by himself, abandoning it when he leaves, and returning to it later.  The space you save by using Lou would be better devoted to the aforementioned friction in the relationship between Angel and Milo. If you feel that exposition is vital -- and I would disagree to a point -- why not have the piano roach give it at some point?  There seems to be some history between him and Milo already built into the story.

I think it is important that Milo have a mentor - it makes sense to me anyway but your idea of combining Lou and the roach into one character is intriguing.  They do both basically function in the same capacity.

Quoted from bert But otherwise, I have to say that Johnny Rat is a wonderful antagonist, and was the star of the story for me.  He overshadowed Milo whenever he was around, but that is fine.

I can see how Johnny might overshadow Milo.  I think it works though because, since they're opposites, the two  can play off of each other.  Johnny is all sizzle and no steak, Milo is all modesty but has the edge on him in the integrity department.  I wouldn't want to change that dynamic.  

I sort of envisoned Milo as a Bob Dylan, beatnik type - I don't know if that comes through or not but I think there's a certain understated charm there.

Thanks again for this.