Aubrey by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A lonely little girl faces her birthday present. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Michel i've read some of your shorts before so I gave this a look.

Nice little story, I really felt the loneliness of Aubrey it was quite moving.  I don't think I have any grumbles with this at all, very enjoyable read.  Good work and nice ending.

Thank you Alffy for your reading. I've tried to translate every grief Aubrey could feel about her mother through the present. Her cruelty is forgivable and I hope the ending easy to get.

Thanks again

Michel 8)

Thanks for reading Enganches!
Grammar (I know English isn't your first language, so I won't post everything).
-Aubrey says "I don't like your eyes" twice. I don't know if this was an accident or you left it in for effect, but it's nothing major.

I wondered where this was gonig until the ending. You said something about the mother being "cruel" in your last post (I think that's what you meant,), but I disagree. Maybe prostitution is all her mum could do to make money, and the giraffe was quite a nice present (despite Aubrey's disllike).

In a way, this reminded me of "uptwon Girls", except I like this. I htink you could have hinted at where you were going before the end, but otherwise, there arn't too many gripes.

Bigwhoop, thank you for reading.

When I was talking about cruelty, it was about Aubrey, not her mother.

****************SPOILERS*******************

Quoted from -Ben- -Aubrey says "I don't like your eyes" twice. I don't know if this was an accident or you left it in for effect, but it's nothing major.

I meant Aubrey saying twice to accentuate the fact she's going to cut them off.

Michel 8)

SPOILERS

I was expecting a lot more with this script.  The way you described the giraffe, I was expecting it to be come to life and attack Aubrey (a la Twilight Zone).  Even your synopsis above (IMHO) suggests a little danger.

While I understand that Aubrey doesn't like the gift, I think she went to extremes with it.


Phil

Yeah i was especting the giraffe to kill, but anyway still a good read.

Thanks for your read. In fact, to Aubrey, the giraffe is the way to take revenge over her mother. She associates the toy with her mother (well, I don't think she would enucleate her mother). In fact, the giraffe is a real animal to Aubrey. You know sometimes how cruel are the children. It's just a story about child loneliness.

Quoted from dogglebe I was expecting a lot more with this script.  The way you described the giraffe, I was expecting it to be come to life and attack Aubrey (a la Twilight Zone).  Phil

I thought about it but found it a bit cliché.

Michel 8)

same has phil, I was really thinking that the giraffe was coming to life.

you should watch out with the giraffe part, because instead of people thinking about the loneliness off the kid, they will be expecting the giraf to come to life, which I honestly was expecting.

and excellent story, and a sad ending, "tres humaniste". I like it!

This was a strange little tale.

I liked the start, how this giraffe seemed like it was watching Aubrey, it had a creepy feel to it, but then it really goes nowhere, the imature person in my kinda wanted the stuffed animal to start going on a murder spree, that would have been kinda cool.

I did like how it ended, with the mother and all being a whore or a stipper, I'm not sure which, seems like this takes place in amsterdam or something.

in the end this had it's moments, a good opening and ending, I just felt it didn't do much in the middle.

keep up the good work :)

Quoted from dogglebe Even your synopsis above (IMHO) suggests a little danger.

I'm sorry phil but I never meant to make feel any danger in the synopsis I tried to make as simple as possible.

Quoted from The boy who could fly in the end this had it's moments, a good opening and ending, I just felt it didn't do much in the middle.

The "middle" is just the everyday (night?) of a little girl left by her mother. You can't ask a story about loneliness to be tremendous.  ;)

Michel

Michel, this is the best thing I've ever read from you.  I "get" it -- and really like it.

It is visual and moving and would cost about 30 bucks to make it.

You might start off describing the room a bit less.  You go into quite a bit of detail there for such a short script.

And I would not have Aubrey read the note to us.  I would have it read as a V.O. from an adult woman.

A microwave dinner takes about 3-5 minutes, or even longer.  You are going to have Aubrey humming for that long?  Just show her putting it in, then cut to her eating at the table later.

This thing with the eyes is great.  I like all of that segment, from start to finish.

I might have the boys kick the giraffe some, but I would have the giraffe itself washed away by the filthy waters of the gutter as opposed to just the note.  The story still ends the same way, of course, but it is a more realistic and poignant fashion for the giraffe to make its journey, I think.

Again, I like this one quite a bit.  Nice work for five pages.

Mon ami, Michel, I love this one. Realy I thought it will run to a scare movie, but you drove it very inteligent sendding us to a  very good endding. The giraffe to me represented Aubrey's loneliness and about the simbolism of the eyes taken was valious way to say "I wont to see that my mother is a prostitute". Your little script is filled of great metaphors.

congrats Michel!

really liked this. very simple. good descriptions. u could really see the child. nice twist at the end.

yay u

Thanks Bert, Helio and Acorristine. Sorry for the delay but I completely missed this thread.

Quoted from bert Michel, this is the best thing I've ever read from you.  I "get" it -- and really like it. Nice work for five pages. It is visual and moving and would cost about 30 bucks to make it.

I must admit I loved writing this script. It's one of my favorite too. I always loved writing about children.

Quoted from bert And I would not have Aubrey read the note to us.  I would have it read as a V.O. from an adult woman.

I thought of it, but did it this way for a question of budget saving. I rarely forget about the budget when I write a script, especially a short.

Quoted from bert A microwave dinner takes about 3-5 minutes, or even longer.  You are going to have Aubrey humming for that long?  Just show her putting it in, then cut to her eating at the table later.

I'd rather see an ellipse (is it the right word? or CUT TO:) That humming is here to accentuate Aubrey's loneliness.

It is all about loneliness.

Thanks again for your reviews.

Michel 8)

Just to let know this is a revised version. I think it now works better this way.

Michel 8)

Hi michel,

I missed the first script somehow...

SPOILERS


I think you've described the bedroom too well (pink wallpaper). I'd just say the typical little girls room, neat and tidy, plenty of toys, a table set up for a tea party...

I was wondering why a 7 year old girl would be making a T.V. dinner, and began to wonder if someone else was in the other room.
Maybe you could do a woman's V.O. telling her to make herself a T.V. dinner.  

It surprised me when she turned mean so quickly and cut out the giraffes eyes. She was so loving toward her doll.
If she is thinking that it is staring at her, maybe she is thinking it is talking to her too. What would it say? Maybe that would let us know why she would do that to a birthday present that she just got.

The ending surprised me, too.

I thought it was a good script for being so short, but it still needs a little something to make it REAL good.

I hope I've helped some, and not just babbling on. Working two jobs makes you that way...

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

thank you for your review. I hope my answers would help you to understand what I meant when I wrote it.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I was wondering why a 7 year old girl would be making a T.V. dinner, and began to wonder if someone else was in the other room. Maybe you could do a woman's V.O. telling her to make herself a T.V. dinner.

In fact, this way of living is Aubrey's everyday life. She's used to do it.

Quoted from CindyLKeller It surprised me when she turned mean so quickly and cut out the giraffes eyes. She was so loving toward her doll. If she is thinking that it is staring at her, maybe she is thinking it is talking to her too. What would it say? Maybe that would let us know why she would do that to a birthday present that she just got.

The way she acts with her new toy is a kinda grudges she holds against her mother. Kids can be so mean when they want to. Even if their innocence blinds them. I think you can understand that, being a mother. She thinks the giraffe provokes her, even she if Aubrey didn't ask anything. She doesn't care about the present. She just wants her mother?

Thank you again.

Michel 8)

Hey Michel,

I know you don't have access to the internet right now, but since this was Bert's recommended read for the week, I thought I'd give it my time.

This is the best script I've read of yours. I can see why Bert chose it.

Not only was it nicely written, but quite powerful too I thought.

To me this was a very sad story. You should feel proud of yourself, I'm usually pretty cold and don't feel that way very often about scripts.

Good job Michel!  8)

Hi Michel,

I think this is an excellent short.

I would personally change the V.O back to how you had it before.

I think now it brings her mother's spirit into it too much ie she is now present in the script. It was far better the other way IMHO.

Just goes to show, you can please all of the people all of the time. ;D

Hey everyone, just to let you know that I am working with Michel to bring the short to life. I always liked it very much. I am still at storyboarding it to get a feel of how the story will flow on screen but I already have a small crew ready to shoot and some others are joining soon. Still looking for a young girl to play the main part tho.

I am also working on a silent horror short. We did a rough cut of it with low budget camera and lighting and we screened it to friends and teachers and got strong positive feedback.

I'll keep you all posted on any development.

Phil

It's weird to come back on a script 3 years later. Time has passed and looking back on the story, I realized a lot of things I did then not on purpose but rather by instinct.

Some people would find it VERY different from things I did lately, but it's only another facet of my personality, you'd rather find through my features.

The name Aubrey was inspired by the song "Aubrey" from the 70's band Bread. It's a very melancholic song and I kept listening to it when I wrote the script. (For those don't know that song, here's a link on YouTube: Aubrey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwdTcoUHfkw)

The reasons why Aubrey acts so weirdly with the giraffe: this is a gift from her missing mother and she reports on the toy all the grudges she holds to her mother. First she tries to ignore the stuffed animal. She plays with her doll and fantasizes how she would be treated by her own mother. Every word she tells her doll are the ones she'd wished her mother could tell her on that special night.

Then, the giraffe (the grudge) interferes.

The things about the eyes. When Aubrey says "I don't like your eyes" to the giraffe is her way to reject her own bad feelings about her mother. She know she has bad thoughts about her and it gives her a guilty conscience. The eyes of the giraffe "jugdge" her. She first cuts them and tries to get rid of the eyes in the bathroom, but the eyes are still there.

Remember Cain after his brother Adam's killing.
In French author Victor Hugo's poem , you can read:

"Cain (...) saw an eye, wide open in the night,
Staring at him in the darkness.
I am too near," he said, and trembling,
He woke up his sleeping sons, and his tired wife,
And, sinister, he fled again through space.
He walked thirty days, he walked thirty nights (...)
And as he sat down, he saw, in the sad sky,
The eye in the same place on the horizon's verge...
And the eye will pursue Cain even into the tomb.
The eye was in the tomb there and looked straight at Cain..."

Aubrey's only way to get rid of this guilt is to throw the giraffe by the window.

Hope all this will make you feel like reading or re-discovering this short.

Michel 8)

Michel

This was ok, it had its moments.

I liked Aubery as a character, a lonely, seemingly innocent girl who quickly becomes the most paranoid and self conscious (although endearing) 7 year old your likely to meet. The "reveal" at the end about her mother hints at what one can presume (besides the idylic kodak moment photo) to be an innocent robbing, unordodox childhood, thus explaining the enigmatic protagonist.

A part that really grabbed me was the repetition of the line "I don't like your eyes" unlike someone above who thought it may have been a mistake I found it a very natural "real" thing for a confused, unnerved child to say. It's like she is confirming it out loud for her own assurance. There is something unfavourable about the Giraffe's eyes, she may not be able to put her finger on it or articulate exactly why she doesn't like them but feels strongly to recite it to herself. I also liked her playing the record too, nice touch.

It was a sad tale throughout, I never knew where you were taking it but figured it wasn't going to be a happy ending either way. For one I really wanted to know why a loving, present giving mother would leave her young daughter on her own in their house during the night.

Again, the ending goes some way to explain this or give reason to but I wasn't satisfied by it. It panned out too quickly for me, too improbable and rushed of a coincidence, it came off very contrived.

I know a lot of great films, books and stories in general work simply because of these cossing-of-paths but it happened here so seamless like a message in a bottle type thing, you know what I mean? I get you were going for a series of shot technique with the Giraffe finding its irresponsible target through a set of intervening, unrelated circumstances. I guess It just didn't answer enough questions for me.

I think you should seriously think of expanding to 10 or 15 pages. Incorporate some background, some answers as to why things have got to be the way they are. I for one need to know more about the Mother, its like I'm only getting one side of the story here. She has a big part to play in all this, not least the norturing of who a very interesting, off beat main character yet we only meet her at the end for a glimpse, through a unlikely sequence of events. I wan

Not bad overall, maybe think about some further development.

Best of luck

Col.

Col, thank you for your cleverish analyze. But I still have some reticences about a few of your points

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I know a lot of great films, books and stories in general work simply because of these cossing-of-paths but it happened here so seamless like a message in a bottle type thing, you know what I mean? I get you were going for a series of shot technique with the Giraffe finding its irresponsible target through a set of intervening, unrelated circumstances. I guess It just didn't answer enough questions for me.

You know Col, you're damn right about that and one of the greatest Masters of Movies mankind, Sir Alfred Hitchcock built his career, his reputation and savoir-faire with those coincidences.

"Aubrey" as I mentioned in the message just before yours is full with metaphors. What I'm gonna may sound stupid and obvious but, and that's my own conception of shorts, in a short, precisely, you have to use cut shorts. You have to point out the highlights of the story, get rid of the superfluous and do what you can to make the story flow. It's a hard thing to do. That should be the reason why among the numerous shorts I wrote so far this one is the best. I know it sounds pretentious, but I do think so.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I think you should seriously think of expanding to 10 or 15 pages. Incorporate some background, some answers as to why things have got to be the way they are. I for one need to know more about the Mother, its like I'm only getting one side of the story here. She has a big part to play in all this, not least the norturing of who a very interesting, off beat main character yet we only meet her at the end for a glimpse, through a unlikely sequence of events.

I would say I do not agree about developping Aubrey's mother's part and telling audience too much things. Along the story, we have an almost idyllic image of her mother, except she's not here for her daughter's birthday. But her note to Aubrey is nice, full of excuses and love. Finding out at the very end she's a hooker gives a big surprise (IMO) and all the answer of her absence. I don't really think that most of the protitutes are making this job by vocation. People don't need to know why she's a prostitute. She is, that's all.

I worked along the script to give a certain atmosphere. Remember the first reviewers. Some were upset it wouldn't turn out to a horror story. Giving too much explanation would destroy that atmosphere.

Oh, I almost forgot. You didn't mean it, but you rised something I did "by instinct" in your words and gave me a great idea for a minor detail.

Thank you again

Michel 8)

I am new here so I will only offer an opinion as someone with little experience. I liked it alot. One question? It may have been answered already but does she know her mothers a stripper? Thanks again for the great story. I cant wait to post my screenplay.  

Hi Ledbetter and welcome among us.

Thank you for the reading and I'm glad you liked it.

In fact, I don't think that a 7 year-old little would figure what a prostitute (and not a stripper) could be. I can't imagine a worthy mother telling her little girl this kind of thing. I would rather think she told Aubrey she was working in some kind of night bar.

Thanks again and I will read yours when you post it.

Michel 8)

Michel

I see what you mean about "You have to point out the highlights of the story, get rid of the superfluous and do what you can to make the story flow" the ending sequence does lend itself to that and it would work well within the time (and often financial constraints) of a short film.

I just realised this is being made, according to your sig anyway, congrats.

Col.

Thanks Col

the little girl chosen for the part is so cute and perfect

a friend of mine will compose the score

hope the result will reach my hopes

cross my fingers

Michel

I'm proud to announce you that the first Set Stills of AUBREY can be seen here:

http://www.freewebs.com/micheljduthin/

Michel 8)

That is one pissed-off-looking giraffe (picture #5).


Phil

Fascinating

Was the Giraffe a special made prop for this short or was it just something picked up from your local National Geographic shop or Toy'R'us?

From the stills, they really seem to be capturing what I liked so much about the tone of this script -- it feels like horror -- it looks like horror -- and it ends up something entirely different.

I certainly hope that comes through in the finished film.  I look forward to seeing it.

pretty cool. from the picture on the original post i was expecting giraffe for dinner, at least for dolly, served up with a smile.

Quoted from tonkatough Fascinating. Was the Giraffe a special made prop for this short or was it just something picked up from your local National Geographic shop or Toy'R'us?

I can't tell you. But it's awesome. Exactly like I imagined it.

Michel 8)

Quoted from bert From the stills, they really seem to be capturing what I liked so much about the tone of this script -- it feels like horror -- it looks like horror -- and it ends up something entirely different. I certainly hope that comes through in the finished film.  I look forward to seeing it.

So do I. You can't imagine how I'm eager...

Michel 8)

Quoted from dogglebe That is one pissed-off-looking giraffe

She just saw Roly Poly around... ;D

Quoted from michel She just saw Roly Poly around... ;D

Watch it, punk!  My vampire will kick your giraffe's ass!  You get me!


Phil

Give'em Four Leather Balls. We'll see...

Hey congratulations, Michel. The stills look good.


Breanne

Quoted from michel Give'em Four Leather Balls. We'll see...

Fine, but you'll have to let his pants out first.


Phil

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Hey congratulations, Michel. The stills look good. Breanne

Thanks Breanne. Some more should be available soon.

Michel 8)

Hey Michel, I think I read this a long time ago. The stills look pretty cool, look forward to seeing this.  I'm glad you're happy with how it's going too.

The stills look good!

I have a question though. Who is making the film? I thought Rick "decadence" was...

Quoted from alffy Hey Michel, I think I read this a long time ago.

I submitted "Aubrey" in 2006. Which just goes to show we have to be patient.

"Patience is a virtue..." (The Mummy - 1999) It's gonna be my motto.

Michel 8)

For those who haven't seen it yet:


© Vadim Artamonov


Phil's favorite giraffe.

Michel 8)

For those who might be interested, I uploaded the first theme from "Aubrey" on my site on the main page of the stills.

If you want to listen to it:

http://www.freewebs.com/micheljduthin/aubreynewsetstills.htm

Hope you'll like it

Michel 8)

For those who might be interested, the first roughy cut is about to be done.

You can't imagine how much I'm eager to see the final result... :-/

Michel 8)

PS: If you still missed the read, you'll find the link hereunder. ;)

I enjoyed that, quite disturbing. Wouldn't mind watching it when it's finally finished, the screenshots look great.

Hi Muse,

Thank you for the read.

Quoted from Muse32 quite disturbing

What do you mean by disturbing? I don't think there's anything "disturbing" in the story. You drew my attention on something no one has underlined before.

Michel 8)

Quoted from michel Hi Muse, Thank you for the read. What do you mean by disturbing? I don't think there's anything "disturbing" in the story. You drew my attention on something no one has underlined before. Michel 8)

Her attitude, the way she perceived herself as an adult and the way she cut the eyes off the giraffe. As I was reading I kept getting 'The Shinning' going through my mind. That's how she came across to me, as a brother to the little kid in that who goes crazy with REDRUM!

I guess the way it came across to me was like Stephen King'ish, if that's ok to say. Very disturbing, but kind of in a subtle way, without being too obvious. She seemed very pyschologically disturbed, by neglect and possibly lonelyness.

Just my thoughts, could be wrong.

Quoted from Muse32 As I was reading I kept getting 'The Shinning' going through my mind. That's how she came across to me, as a brother to the little kid in that who goes crazy with REDRUM!

That never crossed my mind. If there could be violence, it's rather inner violence.

Quoted from Muse32 She seemed very pyschologically disturbed, by neglect and possibly loneliness.

That's almost right. Kids who grow by themselves are not especially "disturbed", but get maturity faster than the others.

Michel 8)

Michel,

I see this is in post production (congratulations) so some, hopefully not all, of this will be redundant. Not the first time for me, and certainly not the last.

I've neglected to read the previous comments so pardon me if you've heard all this before.

I think the main problem would be getting across the feelings and your intentions concerning the giraffe. Whilst this would be a doddle for an experienced diector with the aid of a good musician in charge of the soundtrack. I'd guess most low budget types would struggle to do this effectively. It is, after all a stuffed toy. I hope your guys did a good on this for you.

This problem is however, the production team's, rather than yours. I think you've done what you can with a spec script. If there's a shooting script I'd like to see it.

First thing that struck me is it's also most dialogue free. If it wasn't I'd be saying it's overwritten. Strangely though it almost has to be as there's almost no dialogue to show us what we need to see.

All the same it could do with a little timming here and there.

As I've said before I like your writing. For a native Frenchman you're surprisingly adept at describing fairly complex scenes. You also use unusual phrasing that would never be done by a native English writer.

The downside is there's occasionally bizarre phrasing. Somehow though you always seem to get your point across.

Technically the main point is you need to stay in the present tense when describing people, animals, actions and emotions. Examples -

Quoted from Aubrey The cat seated on the table. Footsteps are heard. Intrigued, she steps closer Aubrey is clearly disturbed

I still catch myself writing like this. Putting these phrases in the present rather than the past tense changes them from novel-like to screenplay style.

They'd read a lot better too.

You're good at atmosphere. This felt particularly creepy and sinister and I can't put my finger on quite why. Probably something to with the minimal dialogue and the fact that toys can be as sinister as clowns. There's something slightly sinister about children too. Probably their lack of knowledge and naviety.

Strange, I never thought a giraffe would make a good choice. I'm knocked off my perch again. Now, where's my high horse gone?

The agate bit puzzled me. Ah, you mean the toy's eyes. That bit read as slightly confusing. Still, I probably should have guessed.

People slag writers writers off for using adverbs. Frankly I think this is silly. An example -

Quoted from Aubrey Out of spite, Aubrey shuts the lid down.

That's a 'tell' line to me, not a 'show'. I have preferred something like -

"Aubrey slams the lid down spitefully."

Or, if you're adverse to adverbs -
  
"Aubrey slams the lid down with spite."

You take my point.

Stand out bits -

The imagery and atmosphere. For a script set within a small world there's a feeling created here that I puzzle over. I can see why this got picked up for production.

The dialogue. Minimal but neverthessless it's spot on. I'm not giving you any quarter or points here for being French either-. It's as good as anyone's. You make very few errors and it all sounds / reads real to me. Children are tough to write for and you managed to avoid that 'ooh aren't they cute' rubbish.

There are way too many scripts that spend pages and pages and pages on utterly boring and meaningless dialogue. They're like being sat on a bus with windy morons who won't shut the fuck up! [end of rant].

Use of characters and objects - everything seemed to have a purpose and a meaning.

This is something I'd never manage to write. I feel like I've learned something too. I do hope the film version turns out well for you.

R

Hi Rendevous (hey, that's almost a French word!)

thank you for taking your time for your long analysis.

Quoted from rendevous Whilst this would be a doddle for an experienced diector with the aid of a good musician in charge of the soundtrack. I'd guess most low budget types would struggle to do this effectively. It is, after all a stuffed toy. I hope your guys did a good on this for you.

I can tell you that from what I know (I haven't seen the film yet – they just finished the editing) that the short should be a hit. A friend of mine wrote a magnificent music (his first experience for the occasion) and I trust the director to be faithful to the script. There was not rewriting.

Quoted from rendevous First thing that struck me is it's also most dialogue free. If it wasn't I'd be saying it's overwritten. Strangely though it almost has to be as there's almost no dialogue to show us what we need to see.

It was my first try on the matter. I did it again with "Silent Blue Eyes". I'm found of silent movies. That's really  'show not tell'.

Quoted from rendevous Strange, I never thought a giraffe would make a good choice. I'm knocked off my perch again. Now, where's my high horse gone?

I chose the giraffe because I wanted an animal which could dominate the little girl just like a grown-up.

Quoted from rendevous People slag writers writers off for using adverbs. Frankly I think this is silly.

That was one of my main flaws then  (I wrote it in 2006)

Quoted from rendevous Children are tough to write for and you managed to avoid that 'ooh aren't they cute' rubbish.

I hate that too. I love writing for kids just like in my last shorts (i.e. "Splash", or "The Rest is Silence")

Quoted from rendevous Use of characters and objects - everything seemed to have a purpose and a meaning.

I tried to write a story the most symbolic that I could.

Cheers
Michel 8)