Ring of Fire - Print Topic

Hey Jordan,

Haven't read anything from you in awhile, so I figured I'd give this one a look.

If I remember right, you use Final Draft.  You should start editing those title pages, maybe fill in the actual title and what not, and get rid of the other stuff.  Also, I'm not sure if you can or not, but if FD allows it you should remove the continueds from the dialogue.

A couple observations.  How does Oscar know that Mac met his wife in High School?  I didn't get a sense that they knew each other prior to this.

When I read the logline, I was worried that this was going to end up being a script where it ends up feeling like a small piece of a much larger puzzle, but then I started reading and I didn't feel that way, at least not until the very end.  Not sure what it is, but the way that it ended felt like there should have been something just a bit more there.  Who knows, maybe it's just effective writing where you leave the reader wanting more.

Anyway, this worked out alright.  Like I said it could probably use a little bit of an extension, and another round of proofing to catch soem typos or missed question marks, but I'd say it's quite good for an early draft.

Thanks for the read mike. Yeah, I forgot to do a title page, I do that sometimes :B

Quoted from Shelton

A couple observations. How does Oscar know that Mac met his wife in High School? I didn't get a sense that they knew each other prior to this.

No, Oscar didn't know Mac met his wife in high school, I just took another look and I may have worded it wrong, or at least I should have put a question mark instead on a period, that will probably fix that up.

I wanted to end this abruptly, and not really knowing Oscar's fate, I thought that worked better.

anyways, thanks for the comments :)

Alright, Jordan,

First a few spelling mistakes, not a lot but who cares about them right? I make five times more myself.

And yeah, you forgot the question mark on that phrase about Mac his wife.

Now has for the story, it has a nice tempo, that you keep the whole way, I was totally inside the story. Really well told has usual, as for the dialog, Jordan, I love the way you write your dialogs, really! But you already know that!

Mac story about his past, you can actually cut it out, it's more like a filler, keep it about the crime.

I also liked how you played the viewer, by not revieuwing everything, the story unfiels by the flashbacks, and not everything is like in the beginning, I would play with that a little more.

The ending is good that way. Rather open, but I like it.

Great stuff as always Jordan!

Bring on more mate! Been a while since I read something from you, was missing it!

take care,

Pedro

You need to work on character development here, Jordan.  After reading this, I completely forgot it.  The characters are two dimensional.  I don't know if I'm supposed to feel good or bad for the guy.

SPOILER

Let me see if I have this right?  After he confesses to everything, he and the cop talk about getting a lawyer?  That's a little backwards there.

And what was with Mac's trip down memory lane?  Why not have him tell Oscar a cooking recipe or something?

Phil

Thanks for the read you two. I may have made the characters a little flat in a way, I even kind of meant Oscar to be a little flat, maybe not TOO much, I could have gone a little further with him.

SPOILER

The speech with mac about his wife was a way for him to screw with Oscar, he knows what' what, and wants to mess around with him, try and open him up in a way, at least that's what I was hoping for.

With the end and the confession, I know it's supposed to go the other way around, but I decided against that this time, I felt he knew what he did and wanted to get it out, then after realizing he knows that the right course of action would be to get a lawyer.

Thanks again for the reads. :)

Hey, Jordan.  I love the song you’ve referenced, and was happy when the title card let me know that the title was no accident.  Did you know that the definitive version is actually by a band called Wall of Voodoo, and not the late, great Mr. Cash?  You should check it out sometime.

Anyway, I digress.  First off, I would lose all those (CONT’D).  I seem to recall discussing this with you before.  It’s just clutter, man.  We know who’s talking.  And what the hell is a FLSHBK?  I mean, I know what it is, but that ain’t how you do it.  And there are a bunch of spots where you need a question mark and don’t use one.  Maybe five or six times, at least.  Go look for those.

You have Oscar crush out his cigarette after, like, 10 seconds.  One, maybe two drags.  Then he lights another?  Why do that?  Just have him keep smoking the same one.

You say Shannon has the face of an angle haha.  You mean angel.  That crap drove me crazy while working on “Farm”.  I will never again use a character named Angel.

Do they still call it “trim”?  Maybe up there in Canada.  I haven’t heard that one in years and years.

The final twist with Isaac kind of comes out of nowhere.  I think this story needs some subtle clues along the way so that this final revelation makes sense.  You set up Oscar and Shannon as something special, then give us about a minute or two with Isaac, his pal -- and then you pull the rug out from under all of these characters.

Granted this is a short, with minimal space for development, but in this final scene, all three characters -- Oscar, Shannon, and Isaac -- go against the character you have established for them.

So, you’ve got a good start here, Jordan, but I agree with the guys telling you that it needs to be longer. This story will not work like it should unless we get to spend a little more time with all three of these characters -- so that this final revelation makes sense within the context of the story -- and so that we care about them one way or the other when the shit hits the fan.  Right now things are feeling rushed.

Thanks for the read Bert,

Quoted from bert

yeah I have that song downloaded, I like Cash's version a lot more though,

I know the script seems kinda rushed, I kinda wanted the story to have that feeling, maybe that was a mistake on my part. I probably should make it a few pages longer, flesh it out a bit more.

I had Oscar only take a few drags then ash out cause I know a few people who are like that when they are stressed out, so I just borrowed from that.

Thanks again for the read. :)

This was quite a decent read but I think this same story has potential to make a much better script. My main “problem” was the ending; it’s a little bit predictable.

*SPOILERS*

Once the audience know there are two bodies (girlfriend and best friend), it’s not hard to do the math and guess what happened.

It’s pointless to advice you to change the ending, since *this* is the story you wanted to tell. But if you tweak a bit the execution, I believe you could turn this ending into something more unexpected.

A possible solution is hinted within the script: Oscar said he came back at four thirty but Mac noticed he was supposed to come back at two. Mac caught his lie. You could push this idea a little more.

What if Oscar tries to hide what he did and comes up with a fake but believable story? He could fool Mac (and the audience as well), but Mac notices some details (like the time difference mentioned above) which makes him discover the truth. And the audience discovers the truth along with him.

Just a crazy idea that crossed my head while writing this, which is not very bright, but that will serve to explain my point: Oscar tells Mac that Shannon was dating Isaac. Oscar was banging her as well; he was the one betraying his friend. When Isaacs finds out, he kills Shannon and then tries to kill Oscar. But Oscar kills him in self defence. That’s Oscars’ fake story, he strongly sustains his version and says he doesn’t even need a lawyer.

But his story has some flaws (which you subtlety planted) and the audience didn’t perceived, but Mac did. So, exploiting those flaws in Oscars’ tale, he concludes that (twist) Oscar was the one dating Shannon, and that Oscar was the jealous murderer that killed both, not in self defence. Mac tells Oscar his version. Oscar is speechless… and now wants a lawyer. Fade Out.

Of course, this is just a random example, but my point is: try to fool the audience, make your ending more surprising (by planting an initial fake story like I suggested or by whatever means you come up with).

Hope this helps.

Hey Jordan, I've read your short script and I expected for more, maybe a impactant reviewling than Oscar's regret.

Anyway, you would do better than this, because you describe very well action and dialogue at least for me.

Hey Jordan, here is one sugestion iI hope it helps you:

Why wouldn't MacQuinn be showed as a tough guy, unsensitive and does not have any mercy for anybody, including his terrible way to interrogate people? For other hand you can carry out more on the colors on Oscar's way very weak and careless guy and seeems to be suffering a lot in the MacQuinn hands. Then you reserves the surprise to the very end when you can reveal through out MacQuinn's speachs his good and has a pasionate realtionship with his wife instead all we thought he was.

Thanks Z and Helio for the comments.

I'm gonna try and make this one work better, by what most people have said there needs to be more.

I may have a scene or two with Isaac and Oscar, show their relationship a bit more and stuff.

Z, I like that idea about Oscar trying to fool the detective, I may have to see if I can pull that off.

Helio, I kinda wanted Mac do be a bit of a prick, my idea was he knew what happened and he was trying to screw Oscar around into a confession, like his big speech about how he met his wife, that was just kind of a BS story, maybe he isn't even married.

I know this script needs a lot more work, hopefully I can make it more dramatic.

Thanks again you two for the reads and comments :)

Hello, just read your script and I liked the formatting. felt the dialogue was a little unreal and the ending was pretty predictable. think you may be better at the directing side of things

good luck

Hy Theboywhocouldfly. My name is Vlad Tofan and i am from Romania an i am a student at the film academy in Bucharest.. I like very much your short script ( ring of fire ) and i would like to transform him in a short movie. can i do that ( and i want to send him at a movie festival whit your name at the "screenplay by" , your real name of couse) ? i'l wait for an answear. bye bye ( sorry for my english )

Hey, theboywhocouldfly the idea is interesting but I belive it needs a bit fleshing out. Make the interrogation much longer with questions and discussion. The dialgoue needs a bit more work. Fix most of the formatting issues that the others advised you about.

Gabriel

Thanks for the read, looks like this one needs to be brought back to the drawing board :B

Hope the next draft works out a little better, well actually a lot better :D

Thanks again

hello Jordan,
I read your script, nice!
It reminded me of my script, "Hostile"
But yea, great job.

Lee,

Thanks for the read Lee. You're one of the few that actually liked this one ;D

Hopefully the re-write will be MUCH better.

Alright, I had no major problems with your script here. The formatting was great, the dialogue flowed (one spelling mistake), and an excellent story to go with it. Where was the ending though?

I was expecting more of a twist, but it never came. Right from the beginning, it was obvious to me who killed them both.

Other than that, it was a good script. Maybe if you fixed some minor things then it would be even better then it is now. Good luck with any future projects, or any you are working on now.

P.S. I'm not too good at reviewing, so work with me. :)

thanks for the read Bojangles. Glad you liked it :)

Hi Jordan,

glad to see you're back on the saddle again. How are things rolling in Vancouver?

You're a very good storyteller. I love the parallel between Oscar's memory and his cigarettes. Some typos, but who doesn't make it?

A kind of twist is missing. Maybe something very simple about Shannon. Oscar could find a hair of her on him to let him show how much he did love her.

Michel 8)

Merci du lu. Je suis heureux que vous l'ayez apprécié.

Hey Jordan,

I enjoyed this but I think it could benefit from another draft or two. There are a few typos which can be easily fixed.

I like your writing. The descriptions are vivid, the action reads smoothly and the dialogue feels natural. No formatting problems except maybe FLSHBCK which is kinda weird. Can I buy a vowel?

You seem to have an innate understanding of when to enter and leave your scenes. You don't hang around, and that makes for a quick read.

The flashbacks worked pretty well. There are some nice touches like the thing with Oscar's cigarettes. I think you could have added a little more in the flashbacks about the characters and their motives. It feels like there's some inconsistency there. Shannon says things early on (I'd love you all the same....) that contradict her actions later (sleeping with his buddy). If there's a subtext in that early exchange between Oscar and Shannon, I missed it. Oscar having to leave and go to work, and cracking a sexist joke isn't enough of a motive for her to look elsewhere, at least not IMO.

You could work on the ending as well, try to make it less predictable and turn the whole thing on its head. I agree with whoever said the lawyer line doesn't work.

Overall, this is a pretty solid piece as it is. You definitely have talent in the dialogue department and you know how to tell a visual story. Work on your characters and their motives and I think you'll improve a great deal.

Hey Martin, thanks for the read and comments. I know this one needs a bit of work, hopefully I will be able to make it flow a little better and flesh it out.

Thanks again :)

Yo J-Rock, look what I found!

I've read everything in your signature(aside from Whispers, which I promised I'd read before next February haha), so I figure I'd pull this up.

It's an interesting thing you got here, but it's the ending that bugged me.  Oscar obviously has some mental problems and I think you should go more into that.  Make him some escaped mental patient or something just to spice things up.  The story ends with him wanting a lawyer, but I was left feeling like ehhh okay.

Dialogue was pretty good...in fact I think it flowed pretty nicely.  I think the major conflict here is lack of overall development, because I wanted to think of Oscar as the good guy, but in the end it's tossed up in the air.  Another 4 pages or so and you can make this a gnarley psychological short.  Nice work with the title too haha.  Johnny Cash right?

So overall ya know, you've done better stuff, but hey, it was quick.  And Mac's speech was rather inspiring to me  ;)  Kudos!

Hey Jordan,

This is the only thing in your catalog I haven't read. I looked for it a while back but couldn't find it. Glad to see Greg decided to bump it. Thanks, man!

Anyway, I think you can lose all of the voice over in the beginning. I think the first flashback would actually be much more interesting if Oscar didn't reveal what it is he saw. The rest of the voice over only reveals either what is implied or what is repeated (speaking of repeated, Oscar doesn't need to tell Mac he was going to ask Shannon to marry him as it's repeated in the following flashback). It's not neccesary and I actually think the scenes would read much stronger without it.

I think you can also lose Mac's story. It really contributes nothing to the story. Mac's a detective. It's his job to get information. I see what he's getting at with trying to make Oscar feel he's just another guy and be more comfortable in answering questions but I think he'd no better than to tell him that story. I doubt Oscar'd be in much of a mood to answer questions if Mac's rubbing his pain in his face. I think Mac knows that too.

Other than that, I really dug this one. The characters were developed, the dialogue was well written, and you made good use of flashbacks. All in all, I think if you make the right changes, you'll have a pretty solid work on your hands.

Nice job, dude!

The first flashback I didn't like. You should show Shannon's dead body, and later you could continue the same shot and just pull back to reveal Isaac, or something else that would make the flashback interesting to see. otherwise I think omitting it and just having Oscar sit there with a glazed look in his eye would be more suspenseful. Or have a quick cut to blood or something would be better too. A couple other flashbacks too were like this, where you just say Oscar walks into the bedroom. some of the flashbacks didn't work well for me, I think you could tie them together better. They didn't do much to move the story or create any suspense.

I also think Oscar may confess too easily. Mac should back him into a corner a little more. Maybe Mac has some information that Oscar doesn't know about that he springs on him instead of just the cigarettes and time.

I think too that you should build up a little more hindsight tension between Shannon and Isaac. Like maybe he offers her the joint instead, or Isaac makes the gimme a beer woman comment or something.

Some of the banter I didn't care for, mostly at the beginning of the scene between Shannon/Oscar/Isaac, particularly the "five knuckle shuffle" line and the "you're not getting any tonight" line, just seemed odd for some reason. And the "I'm gonna squeeze the life outta you" line didn't work for me either. For the most part though, I thought the dialogue was cool. I liked the "is she a good flavor?" line.

You should also create more of a state were Shannon feels the need to cheat on Oscar, or she at least gives him a reason. Because it just didn't seem to fit with the way she was talking with him earlier in the script.

All in all, a decent read, but not one of your best. It would be better if you just delved deeper into it though.

Thanks for the reads G Spot and Steven, I know this isn't one of my better scripts and it needs some work so thanks for the comments :)

Quoted from greg

And Mac's speech was rather inspiring to me ;) Kudos!

Haha, took me a few seconds to get that ;D

Jordan, sorry it took me so long to get around to this one. The combination of busyness and laziness is just so overwhelming sometimes. Anyway, I'm here now so here we go.

***** SPOILERS *****

The script overall was good. I was expecting something.... different. I don't know, this didn't seem like a very Jordanesque script. There were no maggots or incest or really bloody, brutal, disturbing stuff, which is kind of your Modus operandi. But oh well. There wasn't even a sex scene, you came in post-coital, which really surprised me. I mean, there's nothing in the world wrong with it and this is definitely not a complaint, but it just surprised me.

Some of the scenes here were really well-written. Such as Oscar snapping out of his flashback and asking about Isaac and then all of his smokes are gone. That's getting into like... Memento territory. And I dunno about you, but I loved that movie. Just adds a nice little touch, something kinda weird to make you go "huh"? I liked it.

The final murder scene, however, I think is very much you. Kissing her at the same time he is strangling the life out of her, very twisted and sick. The idea of love and sex and death being very close together is a theme that a lot of really good psychological thrillers explore, particularly the mother of them all: SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. It's physical, macabre, intense and I thought it just struck the perfect note.

I'm glad you decided to end it there. You needed nothing more and neither did we. So all in all a good script, the final scenes have a strange kind of resonance. Really well done.

Cheers, Chismeister.

So Jordan, I decided to take a look at this.

-First thing, damn good writing. Sharp and rich in description without going over-length. There are some spelling errors as others have pointed out, but nothing too big.

-Mac: "Tell me about this moring?" That's an order. No need for the question mark unless he's asking a question.

-Pg.2 "Face of an angle." I think you mean angel.

-I'm not sure about the others, but I personally didn't like the dialogue between Oscar and Shannon in the first scene she appears. It just seemed too "soap operish" to me. I'm fifteen though, so I have no idea how they would actually speak. It just seemed a bit fake to me.

-Near the end of Pg. 3 you go straight from a slugline to a character talking. You need some sort of action here.

I really didn't like how this script played out. It left me wanting more, but not in a good way. I felt Isaac was not only flat, but he was obviously just there as a script tool for Oscar to kill Shannon. I think more scenes with Isaac could work well, he said he loved Shannon, but why? Since when? Maybe this could be extended to a 30 pager. I just think it could be a lot better than it is.

Goodluck to you.

--Julio