The Perfect Ending by Joshua A.B. Hinke - Drama - A young woman searching for a reason to lives finds it in an old has-been writer as he dies. 120 pages - pdf, format 8)

Started reading this. I'm only 7 pages in so far. I'll read more bit by bit over the next couple weeks. Here's what I got so far, just technical stuff...

The biggest problem so far is not having ages for some of your characters. As it is now, we have no idea how old Marissa, Aria, or Peter are.

Your descriptions could use a lot of work and tightening I think. You used things like "we see" and "we open" a couple times. Try not to look at it as you are explaining something, and just tell it like it's happening. "She does this" "This happens". A little rewording would make them move quicker. And some may be put off if the descriptions aren't broken up into 3,4, or 5 lines at a time as well.

phone conversations and answering machine voices would be more appropriate in Voice Overs instead of O.S.

Thanks for the pointers.  I've been meaning to go over it and start fishing out the details.  Just so the script stays readable, Marvin is in his early seventies, Marissa is in her early 30's, Peter is in his early 30's.  Thanks for reading and I look forward to hearing more.

Got some more for ya...

Marissa making breakfast at 4 for Aria seemed a little odd. Shouldn't she be trying to get her back to bed instead?

To me, I don't think you should have sluglines that mention the character before intrducing them. Like INT. MARVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT and INT. MARISSA MAYER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT, and THEN introduce them officially in the following paragraph. After you introduce them, then you could but not before.

pg 9 - Wile E. Coyote - not Wild E.

top pg 12 - Marissa drives "past" a church - should be PASSED a church. I screw up on those too.

The priest's and Marissa's relationship was odd to me at first. He's apparently a family friend, and apparently he's seen her or new that she's gone to the cemetary for years, yet it seems like they should have had their talk earlier. It seems like they haven't had any contact for years. It just seems unlikely to me. It seems like he just popped out of nowehere and yet they have all this history.

pg 15 - Rachel should be in CAPS when you introduce her.

pg 17 - The waiter reaches there table - should be THEIR table

pg 20 - Rachel says "So, are you looking for a job?" I think she should say, "So, you're looking for a job, huh?" or something like that since Marissa has already mentioned in the conversation that she's looking for a job of some sort.

So far though, I'm getting more and more into the story. I dig the way you write your dialogue too. Lines like the roadrunner not talking unless there's something important to say discussion, and Marissa's Gin at the restaraunt, and what's so mysterious about dying by a drunk driver were really clever and spice it up a lot. I think the conversations with Marvin and his lawyer, rachel and Marissa and Marissa and the priest were very well constructed.

I'll have more later.

Marissa drives "past" a church - should be PASSED a church

The above is WRONG.

It has to be Marissa drives past a church.

                          OR

Marissa passed a church.

The priest is in the story as a character to try and establish why Marissa is so screwed up.  He was a character that was not in the original draft and then after some reworkings he got two scenes to reflect how Marissa's parent's died.  In retropsect would it be better for her to talk to a family member about this?

Quoted from MonetteBooks Marissa drives "past" a church - should be PASSED a church The above is WRONG. It has to be Marissa drives past a church.                           OR Marissa passed a church.

Okay, yeah you're right. Sorry about that.

Quoted from joshywa The priest is in the story as a character to try and establish why Marissa is so screwed up.  He was a character that was not in the original draft and then after some reworkings he got two scenes to reflect how Marissa's parent's died.  In retropsect would it be better for her to talk to a family member about this?

Not really. I think it's fine, I just think him noticing her going out there for three years and them never having the conversation is a little unbelievable. If it was more like three months or six months or less then it would make more sense. However if you wanted to rework it, you could have it be a family member or like her therapist or other doctor who perscribed her the pills, that would work too. But I think you could just tweak the conversation with the priest a little to make it work better and it should be fine. Even just throwing in something like Marissa saying "sorry I haven't been to church in a while father" or something like that. Just something to make that three year gap easier to swallow.

Let's forget about the typos for now.  You have a bigger problem in your long-winded descripotions and dragged out dialogue.

After reading the first sixty pages of this script, I said to myself, "This could easily be written in twenty or twenty-five pages."  You open up with an extremely-detailed description of two photos.  A ten line description of two photos!  Cut it down to three lines.

You script is filled with such long descriptions.  You wait to page twenty before the two main characters meet.  This should've been done by page ten (at the latest).

Eliminate most of your scene headers.  They are only needed when there's a story break.  If a character walks through a house, you don't need to include:

INT.  KITCHEN.  DAY

INT.  DINING ROOM.  DAY

INT. LIVING ROOM.  DAY

Your dialogue also drags on.  While a lot of people cut to the chase with conversation, you went just the other way and made every conversation longer than it should be.  The conversation on page 58 took over a page to say absolutely nothing.

Everything in this script needs to be tightened up.  Agents and professional readers will read or fifteen pages of a script.  The Sundance screenplay competition asks entrants to submit only the first five pages.  Five pages!  If you don't grab them at this point, your script is trashed.


Phil

Needs a read over for grammar and spelling.

Aria has a phone in her room when she's six?

pg 59 - Marvin telling Marissa she looks like shit may be a tad insensitive at the moment.

I thought the scene in the restaurant, where Marvin gives his speech about being able to tell a lot obout people by what they do, was very well done.

pg 67 - instead of Marvin saying "you don't want my sympathy", I think pity or charity would be a better match in place of sympathy.

pg 75 - the flashback should be signified, and a v.o. for marissa.

conversation with aria about being a writer was well done.

Marissa telling Aria to dial 911 seemed a little odd as well. I think she'd want to leave her daughter out of the knowledge that someone just died in the house.

Marvin letting Aria finish his book I thought was cool.

I didn't really get a good vibe off of Marvin's death, I found myself not really caring actually. I think you spend too much time building him up as a bad guy in my opinion. He cut his kids out of the will, and there seemed to be no real resolution with them. And then the flashback with him walking in on his wife, and saying he won't pay for a doctor for her. It seemed like he was just more of an asshole, and I sympathized more with his wife and kids rather than him. Which is what I think you were trying to go for, but it just didn't pan out that way for me. But that's definitely the way this script should be I think.

Then there's also the fact that his wife killed herself, but yet Marissa and Marvin say that she's waiting for him and wants him to come? And earlier, Marvin resented his wife for being selfish and killing herself, but then feels like it's his fault? It just didn't seem to match up. It seems like there's just too much bickering about a bunch of different things, there should be more distinct guidelines. Either the kids and his wife is wrong, or Marvin is wrong and redeems himself somehow. But as it is now, I just didn't sympathize much with him, and felt Marissa was the only character who had anything resolved.

I think it could do without the Greg appearance, even though I did like the dialogue, but it just didn't seem to fit. And the flashback and suicide attempt I think could be lost.

The last scene with the priest I think should maybe be Marissa coming to him in a church, or maybe again in the cemetary.

Your descriptions could definitely use a lot of cutting. Your dialogue is usually very good throughout, and I'd like to read more of that rather than paragraphs of descriptions. Some of your lengthier dialogue could be trimmed down as well, as sometimes you tend to repeat the same point several times. You could probably get this down to 100 pages.

Aside from those points (which are just my opinions, take 'em or leave 'em)  I thought it was a good read. I think your dialogue is very strong, and you can tell a story very well. Just needs to be reworked a little to make some of the main points work more effectively.