William's Well by Dan Lynch (huckleberry) - Short - A man finds himself at the bottom of an abandoned well, unable to remember who he is or how he got there. At death's hand, he struggles to make amends with a life he can not remember. 25 pages - doc, format 8)

This is my first attempt at writing one of these.  Comments, positive or negative, are encouraged.  

I really liked this story a lot! The whole time I was wondering what the hell happened to this guy. And I actually believed—

SPOILERS---------------------------

--that Abigail was his daughter. What did William do to her? Maybe you should incorporate that in the movie, and out of curiosity who was the person’s whisper in the end. Wow I really liked this story.

Format

There’s a few minor formatting issues in your script.

-Don’t being your screenplay with OPEN, instead begin in it with Fade In:.
-Unless your planning to direct this no camera directions. So (from this person’s point of view) is not allowed.
-In your scene headings give the time of day – Either Day or Night.
- He is awoken by the dripping noise and a fierce throbbing pain that covers his whole body. – How will the audience be able to see this? You should have William grimace in pain, or grab his hurt body, or even simply say “ow”, but you have to write what the audience can see. Just like you described the blink’s, and how much that hurts him.
-No action lines longer than four – five max.
-Why are his words in italics?

Questions/Suggestion

-How’s he hitting himself if he’s in so much pain?
-I think the sheriff calls William a son of a bitch a little too much.
-I like how there’s a little to be questioned in the end, but maybe you should include more of what happned Abigial or how William got the picture.

Great read and hopefully I can read more from you in the future.

Good Luck.

Anthony,
  Thanks for pointing me in the right direction.  I'm new at this, and all your suggestions were on point and really helped a lot.  I'll adress the ones you had questions on:

-His words were in Italics because...hmmm, no good reason...I think it's because I drink a lot and don't really know how to write a screen play. I'll fix that.
-He hits himself, despite the pain, because he momentarily loses himself in frustration.  I kind of wanted to express some early delerium too.  
- The sheriff does say Son of a B### too much now that you mention it.
- I wanted there to be a lot of question marks at the end of this, but I'll explore ways to provide some more insight for the reader about the characters and their history.

Thanks again Anthony...I'm just about finished with my next one.  

Finished, I didn't know quite what to expect as the story moved along, and I thought the story was great, but there are some things you need to work on.

Introductions need a lot of work. The opening sequence especially. I'd just introduce William right off the bat, and use WILLIAM'S POV with Abigale running towards him, because it was kinda confusing. Also, a character introduced for the first time should be in CAPS, and I would have liked to know how old these characters were.

The kids that come to the well should have O.S. next to their names, as they are not in the well.

a lot of William's dialogue I think could be V.O. as he would probably not want to talk out loud all that much. Some of it just sounds inner monologue-esque anyways. I think that's what you tried to imply with the italics, but you should have V.O. (voice over) next to William's name.

I think William should have several tries at yelling for help along the way. It seems like he gives up hope too easily.

William hitting himself so hard that he knocks himself out seems a little far fetched. Maybe something could fall in the well that knocks him out (a brick from out of the well??? ), or maybe he just doses off, or you could time lapse to later when he has fallen back asleep after screaming for help.

You say about halfway, after the kids went to get help, that William was COUGHING and COUGHED up some blood. But nothing should be in past tense when writing. Just describe it as it happens.

The part where the girl said her dad was a fireman I thought was funny. And the part with the hail mary prayer.

Good imagery of the well for him coming to grips with himself and god, and his religious awakening.. (the light at the end of the tunnel)

You referred to William as "the man in the well" a few times, I think you should just call him William. It's more personal and takes up less room.

I liked William's character. I thought you did a great job with geting us to sympathize with William and then not sure what to think of him at the end. You kind of put us in his position, which I thought was great.

I think you could condense your description, and cut a lot of your dialogue. particularly at the beginning and at the end. The dialogue gets kinda repetative and makes the ver ygood twist ending seem to drag on longer than I think it should. It should be more of a punch in the face to me, rather than drag on for several pages. But that's just my opinion. I think you could get this down to 15-20 pages and have it be a whole lot more effective and flow a lot better.

All and all, this was a very interesting concept and a great story. I like that we never discover what happened to Abigale. And you definitely do have a voice of your own, your technique I just think needs a little work. This is your first screenplay right? So, if your new to it, you definitely have talent at telling the story, but need to work on the technical stuff, which will come in time the more you write. You definitely kept a one location script, and a limited cast of characters and not being able to see very much seem entertaining for 25 pages, that's no easy feat in itself. And I'll keep an eye out for whatever you do in the future. Good job.

Sryknows,

   Thanks for the review.  I think your suggestions will help any re-write and future stories.  I agree with all your suggestions. Thanks again.

Good story although there is too much man’s VO dialog (I suppose it is VO) with so little action at the beginning. You must think how it’d be filmed. Margins of shooting are very tight in a  closed place (especially in a well). Cut your VO dialogs.

It’s weird to name a character who can’t remember his own name. Furthermore, decide once for all how you’re calling him. You named him “the man”, “the man in the well”, or “William”.

I liked the story maybe because I wrote myself a script years ago where the hero was suffering of amnesia and reveals himself as a “son of a b*tch”.

Needs to be re-written but it stands good.

Michel 8)

Michel,
  
  Thanks for taking the time to read it. You're right, a lot of the dialogue does need to be cut. Even though this is a screen play, I didn't really give any thought to how it might be filmed, thanks for pointing that out.  

What would be an appropriate name for the character? I'm open to suggestions. I wrote the script calling him "THE MAN IN THE WELL," because I couldn't think of any names. Before I submitted it I decided to give him a generic name, like William.

Thanks again for reading, and I appreciate all your comments.

Dan,

I also enjoyed this very much.  A lot of my suggestions have already been touched on here, but here are some others.

On Page 11, Don't use past tense.  At the beginning of the back and forth between the kids, you might try 'William begins to cough violently.'  After the girl's last line, perhaps you could say, 'William's coughing produces some blood visible on his lower lip'
Also at the end of the page 'back round' should be background.

Another formatting note on Page 13, you might try:

WILLIAM
(coughing)
Yea, I'm alive.

At the top of Page 15, it looks like a stray carriage return worked its way into the dialogue.  At the bottom, his whispering would be dialogue, not quoted in the description of the action.

17.  Don't need the (continued)
18.  Capitalize Bobby
19.  You might cut 'I'm halfway covered in it'  He's probably going to be as short with words as possible in his pain.
21.  The Sheriff seems to break character here.  He was reasonably well-spoken until this point.
24.  How come using the doll is morbid and burning the guy alive is not?

At the very end, if the voice is William's you might try this formatting technique:

WILLIAM
(loud whisper)
Abagail...

Hope this is helpful.

RJW,
  Thanks for taking a look. Your suggestions were helpful...thanks for that too.  Maybe one thing to clarify:

24.  How come using the doll is morbid and burning the guy alive is not?
Burning the guy alive is horrific, but the sheriff sees that as justice.  Using the doll to do it is no big deal, but the sheriff sees that as morbid.  I wanted it to seem a bit rediculous.  I wasn't too clear about that though.

Thanks again for the input.