Dairy Screamer by A Member - Short, Horror - A milkman who's used to love women has to deal with a different kind of pussy. 13 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format 8)

The link to this one was screwed up -- in case anybody tried to read it and failed.

It is working now.

This was eerie, but kind of humorous at the same time. I always find animal horror movies fascinating due to the fact that they can be really cheesy most of the times. Let's take Cujo for example, or Bats. This one, the main character is being attacked by cats and inside, I was giggling. But then I found the seriousness inside the script and saw how furoucious these cats really were, and I can tell you, being eaten alive by cats is one way I would not like to die. I can't even imagine how painful that would be...

Wow this one was really good, but started out kind of confusing at first. But I did enjoy it, the dialogue was nice, and I liked the ending dialogue. I really thought Al was going to make it out alive, but the ending told us everything.

Sean

I had said I was going to read all of the entries and I hate to not follow a promise so I read this one. If I had not made that promise I would not have read this. It wouldn’t have been because of the story, but rather the logline.

I know in the UK for example p***y often refers to cats, but here in the US it pretty much only has one meaning and it has nothing to do with felines. The story itself was quite benign so I feel that you might miss out on a few reads here just because of the logline.

This was pretty well written, descriptions, dialogue, story and everything else, but like I said, it was fairly benign.

You start out with a lot of talk about women and having secret affairs with them, but it doesn’t lead to anything. It doesn’t come back into play at all later on in the story. It’s like the first part is about women and the second part about psycho cats.

The writing was good, I just felt the story could be kicked up a few notches, good idea, just sharpen it a bit and change the logline.
8)

This story had good descriptions, and it the first narrated story  read so it was a bit different, but it was pretty boring. I felt like there was no rush or pacing during the story, even with the whole cat chase.

A good read but not a great read.

The best part of this script is the writing. Overall, it is tight. Even impressive. That said, there are a few descriptive lines, poorly written ones, that, given the overall quality of writing, really stand out.

For example: "Then, as if anything had never happened..."

The story, itself, didn't grab me.

Seth

A little tedious, but I thought this was really really good. It surprised me 'cuz I didn't know quite what to expect but I thought it was a great story. You didn't really know what was going to happen next, and it was very unique and original and had a good voic in it.

Some of the dialogue I thought didn't really work for me. Like "They couldn't resist calling me Al" and "like jabba the hut only you could understand him", and a few others just kinda left me scratching my head. But aside from that, the mood and the story was great. Good job.

WITH SPOILERS

Aw, man...you have a great story here - I laughed in several places ("Screw you, you degenerate mouse eaters!)...but you've got to get a better ending!  This is too much of a cheat ending...especially given the rest of the story, which runs along at such an entertaining pace!

One smaller complaint:

This is obviously has a fifties type of setting (who has milk delivered these days?) - so it's rather jarring to have him refer to Casper as "like Jabba the Hutt".  Wrong decade.

Still, I really enjoyed it.  Even though I could guess that the old lady was dead rather early on...and killer cats aren't all that unique.  But it still worked, and I loved the happy go lucky, sunshiny milkman character.  Really fun.  And yes, the logline works.  Just, get a better twist at the end (preferably tying in his "tom catting ways."

Hey.

These were supposed to remain anonymous, so posting your name on the title page (unless I am missing a clever pun or something) was not a good idea.

But it was a good script Walt.  Nice litlle ending line, but watch out for all those typos.

I give this story 1 and a half thumbs up out of two.

I do agree with Pia that the beginning did not really tie into the last two thirds or so. Maybe you werent sure where to go. It happens. It happens to me all the time.

Now... Here is one thing I found that didn't jive.

EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

Al’s truck slowly drives through foggy streets.

AL (V.O.)
The morning was dark, cold, and
foggy.

Well, if the character is going to tell us it is foggy, then your point in the action is redundant.  Try to rearrange so that you are not duplicating action and dialogue.

Overall "Most Excellent!"

Spencer "For  Hire" McDonald

Hey Pia the loglinhe was the best hook to get my attention!

Very nice work here. Al was good builded character for me, inspite of no more details about his past. Al VO set very well during all stcript.

Not much more to say... just you did your homework very well for this challenge, dude!

This is a good story, but it didn't flow well at all.  It just kind of lagged on until the final scene.

Unless this story takes place in the UK(which Pia referenced to), using Jabba the Hut in the days of American milkmen is unheard of.  Do they even have milkmen in the UK?  I don't know, but there's a little time issue here.

The corpse description was cool, and the final line was a snappy way to end it with a bang.  So like I said, it's a good story, but kind of tedious to read.

That logline's gotta go. Really.

The story has good suspense, plenty of creepiness. It's the scariest one I've read yet. Wish he could have taken down a few of those hideous cats.

Not an original ending, yet it worked here. I was surprised. Had thought he'd get out the door. Good work!

Quoted from tomson know in the UK for example p***y often refers to cats, but here in the US it pretty much only has one meaning and it has nothing to do with felines

Lol it has the exact  same meaning in the UK, this actually tied me in lolol.

The story to me seemed all too unrealistic. For example there are a few aspects. If a milkman had just entered my home - me being alive here - i would whip his ass. Why would he just enter the home?

If i was a milk man and a person owed 236 dollars, i would have simply stopped delivering the milk long ago, and i'm sure anyone would. This seems all too obvious, and too convenient that all this takes place, when all this means is Al will finally stumble across all of the cats etc.

Page 4 "In a such place" Should be, In such a place. Just a little typo.


INT - LARGE OLD HOUSE NIGHT. if he enters the kitchen, kitchen should be stated on this heading also. Page 6.

Again page 6. He says he feels a spooky presence. Make that obvious through action. If a horror element is trying to be conveyed, then if some one is talking all of the time in a voice over, it is not scary because there is no silence or tension. This happens so many times i eventually just quoted this one.

Ending too cliche. Also the boss is called Casper..Is this some sort of clue that ghosts will be invloved in the story or that the boss is as white as a ghost? Or just a silly name..

Overall quite unrealistic, and i wasnt really pulled in. Why did you put your name on the script?? The format was good though.
                                                       Robert.

It has horror. It has milk. And “milk” has a fairly relevant part to play in the story. That alone make this one to stand out among those that didn’t stick to the exercise’s theme and genre.

The first pages of a script usually establishes the mood and genre of the story. Considering this is an horror short, the friendly V.O. that opens the script, Al’s dream job, his happy whistling, his jokes about women, etc, don’t help you to establish the mood you should be heading for. You need a darker opening.

And all the elements mentioned before don’t have a relevant part to play in the outcome of the story (as Pia already mentioned) so I suggest you to loose them and open the script with Al already heading for Mrs. Shuey’s house.

On P.1 you’ve got a sentence of Al’s V.O broken in two by action (the young woman readjusting her blouse). The problem is that (judging by its content) this sentence is supposed to be said without interruptions. And two lines of description in the middle of it, break the continuity that said sentence is supposed to have. This confuses the reader.

This technique is often used by Phil, but the rest of the writing doesn’t look like him. I’m curious to know who wrote this.

Yeah well I mean this was pretty good.  The descriptions were good and it was fun once we got into it but I really think that this could lose a couple pages.  I found my eyes drifting down the page sometimes because there were such long scenes to which the ending seemed obvious.

Still, there was something eerie about the story.  Points on that.  It created an interesting mood.  I just think it needs to be tightened a lot.

Nice, straightforward story.  The simple act of a man entering a creepy house can be told many different ways and never seems to lose its effect.

I liked the voice-over narration.  It was effective how you had him speak in past tense throughout.  I wonder though if you should have stopped the narration once he entered the house, that way by bringing us into the present with him, it would have heightened the tension factor a few degrees, I think.  

I also like the fact that there was no supernatural explanation for the cat's behaviour.  That would have ruined it for me so good job.  Cats are pretty sinister on their own anyway.

BTW the beginning didn't feel slow or out of place for me.  I like how you took the time to established a character.  

Just got done with this one and I’m surprised by other people’s comments.

First off, words seemed to be missing or out of place in your dialogue and descriptions. This makes things difficult for the reader. Unfortunately, the voice-overs weren’t really effective either. They seemed dull and some didn’t even further the story. The ending didn’t really help things. This felt rushed and undeveloped.


-Zavier

Wow, not bad at all. You quickly establish a character and then throw him into a weird situation. The suspense in the house was well done and left me curious as to what was going to happen next. I suspected the state of the woman, but her fate was clever. You've got the "gross-out" factor, and then a little chase scene. You hit the elements of a nice horror flick.

Some of the voiceovers came at odd, and occasionally unnecessary, times. You use the word "real" a bit much at the beginning (or so it felt like; I can remember twice). I don't have a problem with voiceover, but you've got to only use it to quickly tell what might take too long to show. There is also no need to state that the cats are everywhere, since we can see that they are everywhere.

You also pulled my number one pet peeve: someone entering a house that doesn't belong to them. I find this one a little easier to believe than some because it was apparent that there was a problem and someone might need help (as evidenced by the multiple milk bottles in the cat hole), but I was still irked by it.

I also give you props for your two-fold use of the word "pussy" in reference to your synopsis, and your milkman's character. That was very clever.

But even with these shortcomings, I still thought this was one of the better ones so far...but then, it's only the fourth one I've read, too.

First of all, thank you to everyone above for the interest you took to read my story.

About the logline: I'm not good in loglines, but never I wanted to be offensive. I love women (as persons) and if you could take time to read my scripts I've never been machist of offensive in any kind. It was just a joke (maybe a bad one) but only a joke. After all, the logline perfectly sets to the character.  

About the story: It was inspired by a true story

http://www.ogrish.com/archives/woman_eaten_by_her_own_cats_Feb_09_2004.html

It's true the story was a bit messy. I started it with a hommage to Monty Python (the Milkman's affair) and ended it with the "Psycho" house and tried to mix them all. The VO and the end was inspired by "Sunset Boulevard". Maybe it would need to be cut a bit, but I just wanted to settle an atmosphere.

Anyway, thanks again. And sorry for the logline.

Michel 8)

Quoted from RobertSpence Also the boss is called Casper..Is this some sort of clue that ghosts will be invloved in the story or that the boss is as white as a ghost? Or just a silly name...

About the boss' name Casper, it's was just a fun name regarding Casper Milquetoast. That's why he named his small company Milk'n'Toast.

Quoted from RobertSpence Why did you put your name on the script??

It wasn't my name, but there again, a fun name:

Walt N. O'Thor = What an author

Thought it was obvious. Well, it wasn't... :B

Michel

Hi Michel.  I still have a few more of these stories to look at, and I’ve finally worked my way around to this one…the one with “the logline”.  Aside from the other problems that Breanne has already touched upon, it also gives away far too much of the story.

I mean, I did know what you meant, and I could predict where this story was going.

I liked this story, but my principle complaint is that there is a bit too much V.O. for me.  Especially when he is delivering the milk to the old lady, walking through her house and making his grisly discoveries.

Those scenes didn’t really need any dialogue at all.  The mewing of cats would have been sound enough, I think.  But that is a matter of personal taste, of course.  It does suit the tone of the story, I suppose -- but I still contend they could use a trim.

One of the things I’ve noticed is a distinct improvement in your English from you earliest scripts.  I wonder if this site had anything to do with that?  Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I’ve noticed.  However, I have absolutely no idea what “swaying like a mollusk” is supposed to mean.

In fact, sometimes you might even get a little too fancy.  Words like moiré, damask, balustrade, and olla podrida are actually kind of distracting.  Use the extravagant stuff a little more sparingly.

But this story does have a very satisfying conclusion.  The mailman was a great touch, and the final piece of V.O. we get from Al works just fine.  That one you should keep haha.

Bert, thank you for your pertinent review. Looking back, I must admit the V.O. are too many in this script and I could have done better maybe with more time.

Quoted from bert One of the things I’ve noticed is a distinct improvement in your English from you earliest scripts. I wonder if this site had anything to do with that?

Definitely, yes. I learned a LOT with you all and, following everyone's advices, I feel myself like improving day after day. I always said that writing is just like sport training: the more you do it, the more your brain muscle works.

Quoted from bert I have absolutely no idea what “swaying like a mollusk” is supposed to mean.

I tried this way describing the way of walking like a snail could do.

Thanks again for your review and your encouragements.

Michel 8)