Spoiled: Milked Edition

Yikes... very, very, very, very disturbing tale this one is... but it is very, very good.

SPOILERS MAYBE...

Everything in this was almost cringing material... I've never been a fan of incest in films... I hope no one really is... but it is surely horror that you've wrote, whoever you are.

All I can say is the story itself is, somewhat, recognisable in some aspects of it... I'm not sure where from but I can see it. It's not totally unique but you've definitely won a prize for the best genre and subject integration.

It's well written but with a few grammar/spelling mistakes. The ending is great. The killing of Robert nearly made me puke but it worked. This is the best I've read so far.

Jamie :)

This one is well written. It's clean, coherent. The subject matter is, as others have said, sick -- but perfect given the assigned theme.

Seth

What word can I use that wasn't used by the above posters? Um....Demented? Incest? Disgusting?

Well, at least it fits in the category. This was very disturbing indeed, and my facial expressions were changing every few lines. Even I can't imagine somebody doing that, and this made me cringe, and as I have stated before, it takes a lot to make me cringe.

Sean

I'm not gonna be so diplomatic as the others.  This was bad on many levels.  Being sick and twisted is not a virtue in and of itself.  Whoever you are, you need to learn this.

If there was a point or a moral to this story then I would have been open-minded about it.

[edit]

In fairness this was competently written.  Those were my honest feelings though so I have to stick by them.  Just one question - what exactly was your inspiration for this piece.  On second thought, I don't want to know.

I liked it but I don't think it was as disgusting or disturbing as a lot of you people do, which either means I'm a rational human being or a disgusting freak, either way the entire premise of Freudian psychology is that every man wants to sleep with his mother and kill his father.

But anyway, it was a well written piece, pretty creepy. It actually has some potential as a feature, although 90 pages of a son making love to his mother may be a little too much for an audience to handle, so maybe we should just leave it at that. Well done.

Cheers, Chism.

I think the author of this one will want to remain anonymous indefinitely :)

I can't say I "enjoyed" it but it was certainly compelling and quite unsettling. I think the reason it's so disturbing is the Freudian aspect. The premise is not entirely unbelievable if you are to believe Freud's theories on the subject. That is what makes this one so unsettling.

Anyway, it's well written and well paced, but I think it could have been handled with a bit more subtlety. A few parts were just gratuitous and could probably have been implied to greater effect.

Overall, this stuck to the genre and theme very well and it definitely turned my stomach. Nice job.

Oh, and I have a feeling I know the maggot who wrote this one :)

Wow...I just....wow...ummm....this was....wow. Words can't really describe this one. demented is an understatement. But i really liked this though, to some degree. In the terms that what I expect out of a horror is to make you unsettled and expose you to something that you don't necessarily want to be exposed to. So, in a way we should all thank you for the pleasant torture of reading this.

But even storyline aside, this was well written, and paced well. Very sick stuff. Great job.

Hey.

Ew.

I feel inclined to point out that womans breast stop producing milk not too long after childbirth. Suspended disbelief I suppose.

Ew.

-Tyler

This one fit the challenge alright, so congrats on that. It was well written, but sick, like the others before me have said... Real sick.
Not my kind of horror, but that's okay. It still gave me the creeps, and that is what this challenge was supposed to do. Right?

Good job,

Cindy

Quoted from Higgonaitor

I feel inclined to point out that womans breast stop producing milk not too long after childbirth.

That isn't true, Higgs. As long as you keep milking them, they keep producing.

Quoted Text

(warning - very disturbing)

Is this message from Don or the author? In either case, it certainly isn't necessary -- I've seen plenty worse around these boards.

Quoted from mgj

Being sick and twisted is not a virtue in and of itself.

I agree, mgj. But while there might have been a little of that going on here, I found a complete story, with justifications (such as they are) for the way our characters behaved, and a certain logic (such as it is) in the telling.

Quoted from Martin

Oh, and I have a feeling...

Agreed. That's part of the reason I am a little more willing to accept this story at face value than others might be. Good job to the author. This isn't my favorite of these, but I found plenty here to like, as well.

ugh. this was gross.
But it was well written.
The voice over worked well. Have you ever seen a movie called "Sleepwalkers"? The mother and son relationship reminds me of that movie. Queston: How is the mother still producing milk when she had a kid 19 years ago. Your title makes sense and is more suited to the story than the other "Spoiled".
Um..that all. good job.

-shawn

Quoted from Shawnkjr

Queston: How is the mother still producing milk when she had a kid 19 years ago.
-shawn

I thought the same thing and it turns out I was wrong, Bert was right, I did a little research.

lol that was cool in a totally disturbed way.

Great short, that did a little tip of the hat to Psycho I think.

Was it gross? Sure.
Disturbing? Indeed.
Fun to read? Yuppers!

Nice job mystery guest! ;)

First of all, great effort for something you only had a week to put together.

I thought it was a well paced story, with no unnecessary scenes and the formatting was spot on. I noticed only one typo on the last page, where it said nursed instead of nurse.

Very creepy relationship Jeremy had with his mum there.

SPOILER

I thought the ending was terrific. Although as soon as I read that the mum was attached to a respirator, I knew what that would mean and Jeremy's final act didn't surprise me at all, but it was the most plausible thing he could have done.

Good one. :)

What a mind-fuck. That basically sums up what I thought of this one. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’m not even sure.

Some positive aspects: The twisted story definitely sets it apart from anything else I’ve seen on this site.

Some negative aspects: You didn’t really develop the characters. They're crazy and...

Interesting piece.

-Zavier

Very nice piece here! For the front page it belongs to the same writer the other Spoiled.

Inspite the exageration of the milk sppinting like a jet it will be a strong cadidadte to be picked up by a serious young moviemaker soon. Quiet low budget with just three locations and four charaters! Good luck with it, dude!

Sick? Why? This experience happens a lot around there, dear palls! The final scene seemed like Michael Angels' Pietá.

Really sick subject is all I can say

Hmm, "sick" horror isn't always my thing but I enjoyed this. Thanks for have an actual story with characters and motivations...it's very much appreciated. The only thing that I will say is that I've noticed VO's popping up in a few of these shorts and I've gotta say this...VO's aren't scary. They really aren't. Especially with someone very, well, weird, like your characters, I don't like to hear what they're thinking. I find it scary because you can't read them and if they're crazy enough to do blah blah blah, then god knows what they're going to do next.

I dont know why so many people detest this script. Sure its horrific but wasn't the exorcist? And thats one of the greatest horrors of all time. This, in my perspective, is a horror, its not a cliche zombie or a motiveless slasher story but some thing that can actually scare.

So yet again i tip my cap a little lower, just past my brow.

This script is unique. Yes it is about incest and Jeremy's mother being a paedophile but i believe that the author of this script may have done their research on what Freudian psychology is about - what Chism and Martin already built upon - which was basically stating when children are at a young age, instead of other means, they have a sexual attraction to a member of the opposite sex.

Issue aside because it is quite controversial and "sick" , but in my opinion was a good script that kept me compelled all the way through. Were virtually no mistakes throughout, only a couple of typos here and there.

Quoted from Nixon

You didn’t really develop the characters. They're crazy and...

Sorry Zavier but i will have to disagree. I feel there is character development for the mother most of all - although i feel she changed too suddenly - and a little for Jeremy.

What i found sick was the fact that this character developed to be sick like his mother which was very disturbing indeed. The intestines bit was really grotesque and i was like wtf but this showed just how sick Jeremy had become.

Overal is the scariest script i have read in this contest, and to the writer, well done.

This was interesting to say the least.  I actually really enjoyed it.

While the story is "sick" in some ways, I think it was easy for me to come to grips with because it reinforces everything society believes about incest.  The characters, Jeremey especially, are both truly f***** up as a result of their incestuous relationship (as anyone would be).  Obviously the story reflects the horrific nature of incest.  If Jeremy and his mother were to live happily ever after, I probably would not have been able to handle this story.

One comment from a newbie who doesn't know a whole lot yet:

I found the characters more interesting and believable when they were younger (up until Jeremy was 16).  After that, I felt like some of their decisions and motivations, while making sense in the framework of the script, were rushed. (I don't know if that makes any sense at all).

Overall, a great read.  Amazing you could pull that out in a week.

Hey, someone has final draft, don't they?

As soon as I read the synopsis, I suspected. A highly disturbing tale, and you went all the way with it, so I applaud you for that. A little loose end that was left untied is how he got away with what happened to Robert. Something that brutal would not exactly be flagged as a suicide, you know. That little ending could be easily tied up with a final bit of description: as he's commenting on how it's just them, a couple of cops watch him from outside the room.

It moved quick, and while mom and freak are developed decently, Robert is left in the dust. I would have liked to see a little more of the relationship between him and Jeremy, just to fill him out a little bit. Establish that he's a great guy and perfect for mother. That would make his death a little more wrenching.

But other than that, very well done.

Wow, what a disturbing story.
Nicely written and pretty tight.
There is enough milk in this tale to share with all the other scripts that barely mentioned milk.
And you've done a great job of using milk as a central part of Jeremy'd messed-up world.

Pia raises a good point, however. Mom and son have lived this freakish existense for nearly two decades and then she allows an outsider in... hmm.  Not sure if this would work.  Mom's mental state would be as warped as her son's, I think.  Sans his murderous bent.

But, hey, I cannot bust you for much. Despite all the sickness and disgust, I feel like  I've read a story -- and in 10 pages no less.  Somebody on these boards put some thought into this beast.

I think My Favorite thus far, but I've got about 25 stories to go. LOL.

Yup, I am the sick disgusting freak of a human being that wrote this. Thanks for the read, I'm glad most of you got creeped out for this.

Quoted from bert

Is this message from Don or the author? In either case, it certainly isn't necessary -- I've seen plenty worse around these boards.
.

It wasn't me. I was kinda thrown back when I saw that warning, I never seen one on these boards before, so I don't know weather to feel honored or shame, maybe a bit of both.

I only had 2 hrs to write this. I took some notes, but when it came to writing I was on a tight schedule, I know that's a big no no, submitting something without really going over it, but I really wanted to participate(I'm guessing there are one or two pwople here that wish I didn't)

Thanks again for all the reads, I sure got a lot of em :D

Quoted from The boy who could fly

Thanks again for all the reads, I sure got a lot of em :D

Your welcome.

You are right though, you did get quite a lot, along with old man crim and pepi. Yours and berts (crim) seemed to have shared a commone "Ew" effect, maybe that generates more reads...

In any case, nicely done. But ew.

Quoted from The boy who could fly

It wasn't me. I was kinda thrown back when I saw that warning, I never seen one on these boards before, so I don't know weather to feel honored or shame, maybe a bit of both.

Wow, I'd feel honored Jordan. Horror should be dangerous. And evensubject matter aside, I think this was one of the best. So, be proud of it, and not ashamed of it.

Hey sorry I'm a little late on reading it, but I must say that this is my favorite of the one's I read (which unfortunately isn't many cause I've had a deadly week at school).  Anyway this truly was disturbing from start to finish.

I almost gagged at the intestines part.  It made me think of the book "Haunted" by Chuck Palahniuk.

Anyway that was a great way to combine the two topics for the contest.  I thought that it would be impossible to do that (as it can be seen in the lack of real horror in mine), but you pulled it off greatly.

The only downfall I'd say is the end did feel rushed, but if you only had 2hrs I guess that's understandable.

Thanks for the read Pat :) I know it seemed rush, it was ushed, there is a lot more I would like to add to this to make it feel more complete. Again, thanks for the read.

Quoted from Steve-Dave

Wow, I'd feel honored Jordan. Horror should be dangerous. And evensubject matter aside, I think this was one of the best. So, be proud of it, and not ashamed of it.

I am kind of proud :D I wonder if that warning made people more curious or turned more people off, I'm thinkin curious.

I wonder what people would have thought if I gave it the original title I had in mind.

Quoted from The boy who could fly

I wonder what people would have thought if I gave it the original title I had in mind.

Okay, I'll bite. What was your original title?

Quoted from Higgonaitor

Okay, I'll bite. What was your original title?

Mother Fucker

Quoted from The boy who could fly

Mother Fucker

Ahahahaha -- Jordan, I can't believe you chickened out on that title. You coward!!!

I would have loved to watch the response to a title like that.

And I liked your story here, too, btw. In my top five.

Quoted from bert

I just didn't know if Don would post a script with swearing in the title, and Oh, did you notice I didn't have cursing in my script :D That was a first for me ;D

Glad you liked it Bert

Jordan!!

I'm surprised at you!

You wrote one of my favorites last time and if you cooked this one up in just two hours, then I know you have talent. You should have spent a little more time on this one though, but you definitely have talent.

Pia :-)

Hahaha. Oh my goodness, Jordan.

Quite a piece you have written here! Very sick, yet very tender. Lots of action going on too. Sex, nudity, incest, blood, intestines...man. Complete package here. I didn't really like the ending, though. I was expecting either the Mother or Jeremy to die, or at least having her consent to sex with him(yes, I said it). Ending with him breast feeding again just seemed offkey. I can't believe I'm even writing this hahahaha.

Overall very entertaining piece...twisted...but entertaining!

This was a great script, i'll have to read some of your other stuff. That 'Twenty Four Frames' sounds interesting.

Thanks for the read Greg, glad you liked it. There is a lot more I would like to do with this one, I just didn't have the time, hopefully it didn't seemd TOO rushed, but I do know it feels somewhat rushed.

Thanks for the comments Ape, I am glad you liked it :)

Thanks for the nice words Pia :K)

Oh yes, there will be milk. Haha! Somebody bring a straight jacket for this maniac! This is one of my favourites, flyboy; very well done.

I’ll start with the things that were greatly done:

This is the entry that stuck best to the theme (among the ones I read so far). Milk is the visual representation of Jeremy & Mother’s bond, and this bond is the central storyline in this short. Good job.

Good, visual, tight writing style. And good format.

Some things could be improved:

Not much horror in here. This tale is disturbing but not terrifying. The only potentially terrifying scene could have been (spoiler ahead) Robert’s murder, but there was more gore in it than horror. And mind you, “gore” and “horror” are not the same. Horror doesn’t come from pain, it comes from the anticipation of it, and Jeremy didn’t leave us much time to feel horrified; he went straight to business.

The storyline, although well written, was quite simple and predictable. It was the sick bastard in me who wanted to keep turning the pages, to watch this disturbing relation unfold. That same bastard who makes me rubberneck at a bloody car crash, not the one who goes to the movies.

I think the storyline could be improved by making it a little more complex. Jeremy instantly understands what’s happening, because he sees his mother with another man; and right then we know what’s going to happen with that man. I wonder if it wouldn’t been better to have mother acting a little strange, returning home late, making secret calls, etc. And Jeremy starts to suspect something. Same storyline, but with a little more mystery. You could even make Jeremy kill some wrong suspects in order to have more horror in here.

Some nitpicky comments:

In specland: “JEREMY, ten years old” = “JEREMY (10)"

“Looking ten years younger than she really is” can’t be recorded by the camera; this is a tricky description to include in a script.

P.3 “But then he came into our lives and almost ruined everything” You’re giving away your ending. The “almost” is telling the audience that Jeremy succeeded in dealing with this threat.

Nothing more to add, congratulations flyboy; very solid entry.

Thanks for the read Matias, thanks for the read and comments, I know it needs a little more work, hopefully in the future I will be able to flesh it out a bit more. Thanks again for the read :)

Jordan,

Well? I read it, better later than never. And Whooaw... This should be the best short I read around here. This is a true independant daring short subject. Everything is (almost) perfect. One thing annoyed me anyway: Robert's killing. You should have found something more linked to the main subject. I know stabbing in photogenic (?) In my thriller "Seven Dwarfes" every killing is related to the birth. IMO, you should find a better way to kill Robert. Why not knotting him and make him swallow liters and liters of milk till he dies? Just my opinion.This way you'd stay in the subject.

Michel 8)

ooh me likey

very good script

Hey Jordan I know you didn't mind about my comments (who cares?), but as I said you have to clean it up for sure and soon someone would pick it up.

Anyway I hope you get sucess with this, pal.

THanks for the read Michel, glad you liked it. I was trying to figure out a way to kill Robert, and I always wanted to write a scene where someone gets strangled with their own intestines, and I thought this would have been a good script to do it in, it's brutal and ugly, but that's how Jeremy feels at that point in the story,but I'm still glad you liked most of it.

THanks for the read Ghost :)

Quoted from Helio

Hey Jordan I know you didn't mind about my comments (who cares?), but as I said you have to clean it up for sure and soon someone would pick it up.
Anyway I hope you get sucess with this, pal.

THanks Helio, that actually makes me think, I wonder if it could actually be filmed, I guess if anyone is gonna do it, it would be me, but I don't know how to do the scenes at the begining with the kids, I would feel kinda awkward putting a child in those situations, maybe get a pair of fake boobies like the one's Rbert DeNiro had in Meet the Fockers...LOL The intestines bit would also be difficult but I bet it would be cool to shoot.

Anyway, thanks for the idea :)

Well, congradulations, Jordan. I think you've reached a Takashi Miike level of perversion with this one. This reminded me strongly of his film Visitor Q as that contained themes of both breastfeeding and insest. I saw some of his Audition in this as well so if sick was your aim, you've certainly succeeded. Nevertheless, I think sick was about all this was. I wouldn't exactly call this horror. I think horror needs to be from the point of vew of the victim in order to qualify as such. There is a victim here but the story is told from Jeremy's point of view, not Robert's and Jeremy isn't exactly a simpathetic character (although his mindset does sort of make psychological sense).

All in all, I think the story is likely to get a strong response from virtually everyone who reads it but I think you could've done something beyond shock. Nevertheless, it was relatively well written and I think it did exactly what you wanted it to do so I think taking that into consideration, I can say good job.

Hey James, welcome back and thanks for the read and review :)

I may try to do something with this in the future, it needs a little more development with the characters, I know it is sick though, I wanted to write the most disturbing script I could, without going too far over the line, I certainly didn't wanna make it pornographic or anything.

Anyway, thanks again :D

Quite a nice little script.

Even more impressive considering it was wriiten in such a short time.

I think George summed up the problems with it quite nicely.

One thing that I would add is that I found the scene with his mother when he spat the milk into her face quite comedic, I actually laughed out loud at that point.

I'm not sure that was the effect that you were hoping for!!!

Just a little over the top IMO. ;D

The killing scene was slightly gratuitous as well, bordering on the unbelievable.

As for the subject matter, I thought it was quite good. I think the breast feeding thing went a little far. I think the development from the breast-feeding to incest would be enough and more believable.

Good effort though! Certainly a compelling story teller, which is an important trait.

I'd actually like to produce this at some point, with some minor corrections. I think there is potential for something really quite interesting.

"Hey Jordan I know you didn't mind about my comments (who cares?), but as I said you have to clean it up for sure and soon someone would pick it up.

Anyway I hope you get sucess with this, pal."

by Helio

"I'd actually like to produce this at some point, with some minor corrections. I think there is potential for something really quite interesting."

by decadencefilms@37.com

What I said, Jordan?! I hope you make a good deal with it, dude!

thanks for the read decadence, glad you liked it. If you actually wanna film this be my guest, there may be some parts that would actually be illegal to film...LOL, at least the parts with the young Jeremy, thanks again for the read.

It does live up to the warning. I liked it though. A good read but my only qualm was it seemed kind of predictable once Robert comes into the picture. The ending again is kind of a standard "things will continue" kind of ending.

It succeeds in disturbing and that is what counts.

I agree with Topher about the inevitable death of Robert but it is pretty disgusting.

I liked it...lol. What does that say about me!

It says you enjoy reading scripts about incestuous, murderous boys addicted to breast milk. What's so wrong with that?

I re-read this script just now, it's the first time I did since the first reading. Anway, I loved it all over again. I was just as sickened and disturbed as the first time. If there was some kind of SimplyScripts Awards for these Weekly Challenges, I think this one would've taken the cake.

Cheers, Chismeister.

Thanks for the reads you guys. glad i was able to get under your skin :P

Just prepare yourself for the milked up edition ;D

This is by far the most disturbing screenplay I've ever read. When I say by far, I mean that very much. You obviously are a master of writing these kinds of things, for it is truly terrible! : )

It was a good screenplay to be honest. Even though it was disgusting.

I'm just curious, what is the one week writing thing?

-Jamie

Oh, do you have any other scripts? If so, PM me the links to them!

Thanks for the read Jamie. I'm glad you enjoyed it, well enjoy is probably the wrong word, but ya know what I mean :D

The OWE happens like every 3 months or so. We are given a theme and a genre and have one week to write a script. The last one was in January so it will probably be April or may before the next one. They are a lot of fun and I suggest you join in on the next one.

Anyways thanks again for the read.

Just one more thing about the OWE. The most fun of all is that no one knows who wrote what until a week or so.

To Jodan, I read this one the other night and yeah it was very disturbing and I commend you on being the first SS writer to earn a disclaimer.

Your witing is excellent and it kept me reading 'past the last page' !

I hope to contribute to the fun next time around. Maybe three false starts will culminate in a follow through!

Anyway, good read, but yes very disgusting in so many ways. Though it was Hitchcockian if you think about it.

--Kotton

Thanks for the read Kotton. I'm glad you liked it. I think the new version will be a little more creepy, at least I hope so, I gotta add some more stuff, and take out some stuff as well.

Thanks again for the read and comments :)

I don't like the way this script made me feel. It made me feel sick to my stomach. Don't take this as an insult, I'm just a pansy. It was well written and thought out, but it was just too much for me. 5 out 10 (I grade scripts on how much I enjoy the read)

Thanks for the read Zack. This was intended to be pretty twisted and I know there would be a few people that wouldn't like it, it is a very disturbing idea, probably too much for some. Anyways thanks again for the read.

Don't get me wrong, I like your style of writing. If you have anything that is a bit more tame, let me know and I'll give it a look.

When everyone mentioned how gross this script was how could I pass it up.

For shock value breast feeding has lost it's edge for me after seeing that very funny sketch from Little Brittian where the adult man gets breast fed from his mummy. They really milked that gag for all it's worth.

But I had to have a little giggle with glee when you take the gross factor to a whole new level where it's not enough to have a man strangled by his own intestine, you add the following detail "hands squeeze on slimey guts. A brown paste oozes out."

Ha ha, nice touch

A great script and if turned into a short I would love to be part of the crowd watching it if played at a festival.

Hey Glenn, thanks for the read, this seems to be my most popular script, I should do more incest stories..hehehe.

This is the most disturbing thing I have written, I felt like I needed to go to confession afterwards.

I should get my butt in gear and put out the "Milked" edition, I don't think I could make it any sicker, but I also don't think I would want to.

Anyways thanks for the read.

Hey. Yeah, that's pretty disturbing in that both the mother and son were as equally twisted. Nasty stuff, but brutally well written and extremely creepy.

Hey Wolfe, glad this one creeped you out. The "Milked edition" should be done by the end of the month, I'm trying to flesh out the characters a little more, and of course, add a little more milk :P.

thanks again for taking the time to read this.

**** SPOLIERS ****

Hey Jordan,

This version was even sicker than the first. More blood, more guts (so to speak), more sex and lots more milk. What you're created here is a creepy, atmospheric, glorious piece of entertainment. Having said that, this extended version does have some problems that didn't really bother me in the shorter one. The most prevelant of these problems being the three way relationship between Jeremy, his mother and Richard. My parents got divorced and my mother remarried, so the whole "step father bonding" thing is very familiar, and you did a good job of capturing that, the problem being maybe you went too far in making Richard a sympathetic character. When Jeremy decides to take care of him, it's a little hard to make that leap. A couple of things that might help would be to really show that things are changing between Jeremy and his mother. Jeremy talks about it, but aside from Jeremy peering on in Richard and mum getting down and dirty, you really don't show it. Maybe have a scene where Jeremy tries to feed from his mother, but she rejects him, or something along those lines.

Another thing I had a problem with are the additions of the subplot at school and the party. Actually, I liked those scenes a lot. Putting in those scenes gave Jeremy another dimension, we now understand why he needs his mother so much. The problem came with Jeremy's voice over after his humiliation, I think we should have seen some of these things. He says school was horrible, everyone was calling him names, show some of that. Not too much, just a scene or two to really drive home exactly how cut off he is from everyone.

Other than that, the only complaints are the usual spelling mistakes and grammer stuff that everyone has. There are a couple of moments where "to" should've been "too", but those are minor quibbles and I trust that you're intelligent enough to find em and correct their asses. Everyone has different opinions about extended versions of movies and what not, but for my money (not that I paid to read it) this is a much stronger script than the shorter version. It's creepier, more disgusting, the characters are more fleshed out and stronger, especially Jeremy. He's that weird kid at school that we've all come across in our lives, where you don't know what the hell his deal is, and you would really rather not find out. But somehow, you've managed to turn this strange, incestuous, loner kid into a likeable, sympathetic character who we can't help but.... well, like. That makes his struggles with his mother, with Becky and with Richard a lot more intense.

This was a very well-written script. Tightly-told and creeepy, creepy, creepy. A real treat for twist, sick, demented weirdos like me. Well done. ;D

Matt.

Hey Jordan,

I don't recall reading the first one, so I'm going into this fresh.

I think you've done a good job of protraying Jeremy as a creep.  Keeping to himself, and not really having any kind of social skills was a nice touch and added to his character.

On the whole, I enjoyed the story.  Felt a lot like Psycho 4 in regards to the "infatuation with mother" angle.  Not sure if you're familiar with it, but if you are you know what I mean.

One criticism is that I didn't like how things worked out when Mother found out.  Not so much when, but how.  I think it would have been a lot better if Jeremy had told her and taken pride in it rather than her just finding out randomly.

There's also a fair number of typos throughout.  Nothing major, just some s's where d's should be and stuff like that.

Anyway, nice work.

I actually read the first draft yesterday so good timing. Anywho...

The high school and party stuff. Helped flesh out the whole anti-social angle, I do think it started to drag on a bit. Maybe tighten it up a little.

I do like the bonding scene. I think it needs at least one line, maybe right before the goal, where Robert is slightly alarmed by Jeremy's "weirdness."

Lastly, the mother's turn is still a little weak. I think there needs a point where Jeremy's need for comfort is denied from the mother for Robert. Maybe before the party Jeremy doesn't want to go, is stressed, looks to Mom for comfort who slights him because she about to go out with Robert. This would help reinforce Jeremy's attempt to hook up with the chick and make it creepier that the mother is capable of a normal relationship and Jeremy isn't.

Aside from a couple of typo's, nice improvement on a creepy tale. Good show.

Thanks Matt, Mike and Souter Fell, glad you liked it.

I tried to add on more to this than the first version, the original never left the house, I kinda wanted to see what Jeremy would be like in the outside world. I also wanted to put in another scene with Richard because he really had nothing to say in the first version, he just gets killed, so I tired to make him a more important character

Quoted from Shelton

I think it would have been a lot better if Jeremy had told her and taken pride in it rather than her just finding out randomly.

I think that is a really c0ol Idea and it would make it a lot creepier. Thanks for that ;D

Anyways thanks you guys for the reads and comments

This is probably one of my favorite scripts on the site. I wasn't sure what this "Milked Edition" was all about at first but decided to check it out anyway. I read the original version a while back so it feels fresh reading it again. Still, I can definitely tell what's been added.

I liked Jeremy's interaction with the outside world. He wasn't a total loner. Obviously he has some social skills if someone's trying to get him laid. I thought it was creepier that way. It's a disturbing thought that people like Jeremy could seem like everyone else, even if they're a little off center. I didn't quite get what the deal with Alex was though. Is this guy actually Jeremy's friend. The "fuck you" at the end of their first conversation suggests otherwise. Either way, it's a weird way to end the scene. In any case, I'm a little confused as to how someone like Alex could be so pressed about turning this kid into a social butterfly. What's he get out of it? He doesn't seem like he's trying to humiliate him.

Speaking of humiliation, even though Jeremy's not exactly a sympathetic character, his scene with Becky was painful to read. I didn't know what to expect but I knew it was going to be bad. Once Jeremy couldn't get it up, I thought he might try to strangle Becky or something. This is probably the best addition to the script. There's a lot going on in this scene and not all of it's written down on paper. It's also really awkward and kinda creepy, which fits in perfectly with the rest of the script.

The scene with Richard is a good one as well. You do get the feeling that Richard is trying to be a good guy but the scene ends on a clear indicator that these two probably aren't going to get along.

Not too many mistakes here. I don't know what the point of the scene with Jeremy washing his hands is in the begining. I'm pretty sure you can lose that one. Also, on page 12, you've got a "limp sick" where you want a "limp dick" and on page 15, you've got a "changed" where you want a "changes." Those are the only typos that really stand out. It wouldn't hurt to skim over the script for more though.

Anyway, after reading both versions of the script, I'd say the "Milked Edition" is better. All the additions are justified and add a whole lot more to the story, I'd say. In any case, this script still remains the filthiest script I've read on the site, which I think deserves congrats.

Hey James, thanks for the read, glad you liked it more than the original, this was more of what I wanted to do for the challenge, just didn't have the time.

Quoted from James McClung

Speaking of humiliation, even though Jeremy's not exactly a sympathetic character, his scene with Becky was painful to read. I didn't know what to expect but I knew it was going to be bad.

If you thought it was difficult to read, just think of how hard it was to write....HAHAHAHA. That one page took me over a week to get through cause there was more going on in that scene that what is spoken, which is for me at least, the most difficult thing to do, that was also the case at the hockey game, those two scenes took a long time to do.

Quoted from James McClung

This is probably one of my favorite scripts on the site.

Yeah, that's right, I'm puttin that up there cause I have no shame ;D

Anyways thanks for read and comments.

Jordan,

While I'll commend you for being courageous in tackling a subject/genre in a truly unique way, I can't really seem to think of any reason why something like this is worth being produced...if that's your intent.  I treat reading a script as if I were watching a film, and I try to evaluate them on several criteria; 1) Was it entertaining? 2) Was I engrossed in the experience? 3) Was it well-crafted? 4) Does it have any redeeming value? 5) Does it have repeat value? 6) Would I recommend this to someone else?  In sticking with this.

1) No.  It was quite excruciating to read.
2) Unfortunately, my curiosity got the best of me.
3) This is debatable and is typically the largest area the people criticize when reviewing a script.  If I had to say, I think you have a solid story.  "Solid" meaning, there is an objective that the character is reaching for, and has to go through several obstacles to attain it.  That's the general ingredient in any story, and, at least evidenced by this script, you understand that...which, unfortunately, a lot of would-be screenwriters do not.  I did find, personally, that much of the dialogue of the teenagers in the party scenes was trite and uninspiring, and, if I was going to suggest a rewrite, I would tell you to focus the script more on the rivalry with Robert.  Up until then, Jeremy doesn't really have much going against him.  Other than that, it seems you know the mechanics of structure and language in writing a script.  There's no camera direction, no "we see's" or "we hear's," and the characters are DOING things rather than us being told how they feel.  So, in that sense, it's well-crafted, though, I'd recommend getting to the conflict quicker....at least the conflict that was "interesting."
4) No.  I didn't find anything honorable or decent in this script.  Whatever your intention was in exploring the Oedipus complex and whatever other Freudian gobbledygook you are interested in, it feels like all of that was traded in for shock value (i.e. Jeremy strangling Robert with his own intestines; Jeremy sucking on his mother's tit umpteen times).  I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to cross the line with a film and disturb and shock an audience, but, at least SAY something in your piece.  To me, it seemed completely gratuitous.
5) No.
6) No.

Jordan, I hope you take everything I say with a grain of salt.  I realize these are only my opinions and you can dismiss them or accept them however you like.  I hope you know that when I read a script I try to be as objective as possible.  I don't have anything against the nature of the content that's in your script, but, overall, it feels like your script exists to do nothing more than shock and disturb, without any real statement or message underlying it all.  I don't necessarily agree that every script has to have a message in it.  There's plenty of room for mindless entertainment.  But, with the subject matter you're dealing with, I think you're obligated to deal with it with more sensitivity and restraint, and you failed to do that here.

well now..content was interesting, style very good, subject matter was controversal, it may sell, certainly your no coward and not a sheep brovo!!now if you can move to another genre with this style we will be more prone to accept you as a writer now ifs a fetish but lets see somemore and differnet to move yu out of the fetich modeyou got our attention keep getting it and there are place that would gladly take this and expand it if you dont want to. dont sweat the typo's two thumbs up!!!

Hey ka3mapx and Jammer, thanks for the read and comments. I know that this script isn't for everybody and could turn a lot of people off. I wanted to cross the line with this, see how far I could go, believe it or not i did hold back a bit.......HAHAHAHHA.

anyways this could always use more work to make it better so your comments were helpful. thanks again.

Hey Jordan,

The notorious SPOILED script! What can I say? I think the warning Don placed on this one speaks for itself. ;D

It's been a year since I read the original version, so some of the details from that one are a bit blurry to me, but I felt as I was reading this updated version that it was a pretty big improvement.

The first few pages I found myself squirming in my seat. I swear I felt like I was reading the X-rated version of Psycho. The beginning here is very disturbing indeed. Not so much visually, but psychologically. You did a good job making my skin crawl. However, the part that is visually more gross and shocking, the intestine part, felt lame'ish. That probably sounds weird, but to me at least, it doesn't get anywhere near as sick as the stuff in the beginning. I have no suggestion how to fix this since those scenes have to play in the order thay are.

I think the scenes with the highschool and the party worked out really well. It lets us know and understand Jeremy a lot better.

In both these versions of the script, I felt that his mother too suddenly pushes him away for Robert. I find it hard to believe that after all those years of being so "close" to each other she wouldn't all of a sudden trade him for someone else.

I agree with some of the others here that you need to go over it again for all those typos. If I notice them, then you know there are quite a few. Didn't bother me hugely, but some.

Good job on the rewrite. You added just the right stuff to make this better, sicker, more disturbing. ;D

Pia

Thanks for the read Pia, glad you liked the newer version, the intestines part is something I always wanted to put in a script, for some reason this felt like the right one, even though it as a different tone than the rest of the script. I'm still thinking of a different climax, Mike had a g0od suggestion, might go with that. Anyways thanks again for the read and comments.

I got word that a German filmmaker wants to make this, how creepy is that, I have actually received a few emails about this script but I don't think it would be possible or even legal to shoot this in the US, Canada maybe, but definitely not the US, so a European country would probably do it justice. She said it would be in German with English subtitles. Anyways I thought that was kinda cool, hope it turns out ok.

Good luck with that Jordan. I wouldn't mind seeing one of my scripts in another language and country. It'd be interesting to see something you wrote taking place in a completely different environment to the one you imagined it in.

I think it's pretty c0ol, she'll probably have to make some changes cause of the different cultures and stuff like that, but that's co0l.

Congrats Jordan!!

I'm not surprised this appealed to the Germans. IMO they like it a little on the bizarre side, as do some of the other northern Europeans. ;D

I really would like to see what they do with it when it's finished. I do watch quite a bit of European films... I guess that makes me weird too!

Quoted from tomson

HAHA, nah, you ain't weird, I think European filmmakers aren't afraid to go too far, they have a bit more courage.

Jordan - While I would rate your writing high, I cannot say the same about your story.  The characterization of your characters, especially the protagonist, is poor and the story-line is in many ways unoriginal.

I don't like giving criticism without solutions, so here are some tips:

Make your main character stand out for more of a reason than because he still drinks milk from his mother and on occasion fucks her.  Yes, that is shocking and disturbing and grabs people's attention, but what does it say about your character? Take this away and what is left? I have no idea because that's pretty much all you give us.  I don't care about a character who I don't know about.  This character could have lived, died, and I wouldn't have blinked, same thing for the stepfather (to be).  Then you have the mother.  Who is she? Why does she sleep with her son? You never address this.  Give her some kind of history, even if it's brief, and even if she is not your main character. Who is this woman? I have NO clue. You didn't tell me anything about her except she fucks her son. Okay, she's disturbed...and?  *crickets*

Add characterization and you elevate the quality of your script.

As for the aspects of the story that I found unoriginal...um, the whole high school loner/party/unpopularity stuff is just so boring...you can use it, but make it different somehow. Add a twist in there.  One question what did the following at to your story:

-Main character going to a party and NOT hooking up with a girl
-Main character being called a limp dick or whatever

Your character was already disturbed and already unpopular and it was already clear that he enjoyed and prefered to sleep with his mother. The purpose of that mentioned above is unclear.  If you wanted to add more sex or more shock value then that is a poor reason for adding this.

This story has a lot of potential, primarily because you are a good writer. You have the skills, which is ESSENTIAL, now just think a little more about your story and be more demanding of yourself. You can hack out more than just a story that people will like based on shock value. Even in a week. Demand more. You'll get it. I can tell. :)

Hi KelterDai, Thanks so much for reading my script, you have made some very valid points and I can understand for your not liking the script that much, I knew when I wrote it there would be a lot of people who would not care for it.  For me it was a shock script, I wanted not just to cross the line, but leap way over it, in fact, I was a little queasy when I wrote it,  thought I should have gone to confession after...hahaha.

I did want the mother and son to be empty and messed up, these are two sick people,I never really wanted to go into their past so much, just to show two disturbed people who do the most unthinkable act, I could never understand why anyone would wanna do this, but it happens a lot more than I wanna think about, and that is pretty sad and fucked up.  I did think about adding more depth to these two relationship, bit for me I liked this empty hole that they lived in, I didn't want these two to be sympathetic, more like pathetic, but your point is valid and does make sense.  The reason Jeremy doesn't hook up with the girl is cause only his mom gets him hard, and that' why he was called a limp dick.

Anyways, thanks again for taking the time in reading this and giving me some more to think about, that is always good and appreciated.  I may go back and try and make it better, at least the best I can do.

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